Need advice, getting her back.

[CRX-EF8]

Hello everyone. I am making this post as I am feeling quite confused as to what I should do right now. If you are interested in reading what my situation is, I created this thread with my story a while ago. (sorry wouldn't let me post link, look in my other posts if you would like to read it).

 

Basically things ended with my girlfriend of 6 months due to fault on both our parts, partly due to childhood issues relating to her father and her failing to work on them while she was with me, but mostly due to a lack of maturity on my part. This included things like me not empathizing with her issues, and taking more than I gave in the relationship, as well as somewhat taking her for granted.

 

I should begin by stating the outcome I hope to achieve in the future. Basically I want this girl back because shes been the best thing to happen me in my entire life. I realise that I can create my own happiness and don't NEED her but she is an amazing girl and I love her. I also hate the fact that basically I screwed up, and I hurt this girl and made her cry. Nothing worse than listening to someone you care about cry because of something you did. I need advice on what I can do to get her back because I really don't know how to go about it right now. Let me say that I'm not after any 'techniques' to 'trick' her into coming back to me, because I care about her and I don't want to force anything, but I do want to know what I can do to build up a potential relationship in the future.

 

I read a lot on these forums some great advice on what to do if you are the dumper or the dumpee, however I'm confused as to who is who in this situation. So firstly I would like to present the situation and figure out what my role is exactly. I kind of felt like the dumper at the time, because towards the end of our relationship I felt very emotional and genuinely thought we would be better as friends since we both were miserable and I felt things just weren't working out. so I kept suggesting this to her that it might be for the best but I didn't have the balls to end it. So eventually one night I kept saying this and she ended up saying that we should be friends, so it was her decision at the time, but I think this was only because I was too gutless to end it myself, and just kept implying that it should end.

 

I did feel like the dumper then, the next morning I sent her a message asking if she was ok because she had been alone that night house sitting for her dad and she responded with a few messages saying that I shouldn't be txting her and that our time together obviously meant nothing if I was this fine. She also sent some messages saying that I was just immature and that I never loved her. Of course I was really upset about the breakup but I didn't send her any emotional messages or anything so she was just under the impression that I was fine. After a few days she calmed down and we talked for a while with level heads. We talked about why we thought the relationship ended and how we were both feeling pretty low.

 

We actually hung out over coffee and chatted just like nothing had happened fairly soon after the breakup, I even went back to her house and lay on her bed next to her and watched a movie (we didn't have sex or kiss or anything). After about 1.5 weeks or so, I made what I feel was a mistake. I felt incredibly lonely and was crying in bed one night so I called her. She was actually surprised as she thought that I had been fine with the whole breakup and that I was happy with us being friends. I started unloading on her and saying how sorry I was for all the things I did etc etc. She said not to apologise because we both did things wrong, and that she didn't like me being upset. After this phone call, we stopped contacting each other as much but would still call/txt each other every now and then.

 

After about a month I called her and we chatted for about an hour about stuff we had both been up to, just catching up pretty much. Then I made another mistake I think. I said that I wanted her back. I said that I had been doing a lot of thinking with a fairly clear head, and really wanted to try again, starting off really slowly, just getting lunch or something and then gradually see each other a bit more and hopefully work through what problems there were in the relationship. I acknowledged my part in the breakup about how I didn't take the relationship seriously enough and needed to grow up and learn how to give and take better.

 

She said that if we got together we would just end up the same way again. She started saying that we mabye just weren't compatible for a few reasons. The main one is because of her dog which I am allergic to. the dog sleeps in her room and when I stayed the night I would sometimes get a rash and my eyes would get itchy which was uncomfortable but I felt that I was starting to build a tolerance to it, and I feel that shouldn't be a deal breaker if we both have feelings for each other. She also mentioned lack of common interest. She said she acknowledged its good to have different hobbies/interests but she enjoyed things like horse riding which I couldn't really do (allergies again), and also the fact she likes to go dancing. This point is actually really bugging me because she somehow got the impression that I hated going dancing because I said to her once that I was * * * * at dancing, which is true but I would have still liked to go with her. Because of this she never asked me to go dancing because she thought I didn't want to. In hindsight I should have made an effort to say that I wanted to, but like many other things I just didn't take it seriously enough.

 

She also said to me that its not a good idea since she is not a good person to have as a girlfriend. I asked her what she meant because she was a great girlfriend to me, and she starting saying about how her issues get in the way and that she ends up not taking the relationship seriously. I'm not sure of her exact meaning as I was fairly upset by this point. I started saying all this insecure/wussy stuff like how she was all I think about and I try to keep busy but just think about her and what I did wrong (mistake I know). She then started to cry saying how she hated the fact that I was happy before I met her, and then she came along and made me miserable when she knew she would eventually because she didn't have her issues under control. I said that of course that wasn't true she made me very happy and eventually I would feel better and be a better person for it.

 

So I am really confused now, at first I felt like the dumper but now recently I've acted all needy like I was the dumpee, and since I can't figure out who is which, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the length of this post, I just didn't want to leave out any details, If anyone could give me any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it, and if you need me to elaborate on anything I am more than happy to.

 

Thank you.

[CRX-EF8]

Just wanted to add something that just happened before, could be nothing but just want to put it in here anyway while it's still fresh in my mind.

She came onto MSN before and started a conversation with me and started saying how he had a really bad day. She got into a big argument with her mum because she wanted to take a years break from Uni to work, and then while she was at work later on a customer yelled at her and said some horrible things and made her cry. I tried not to be too much of a 'nice guy friend' and just said how that sucks that she had a bad day. I then said that your mum should be a lot more supportive because you've been working on your issues and being really positive over the past month or so and she says yeah I've been really happy the past month. Now that was just a kick in the balls really, I'm glad that she is feeling happy but to come on and talk to me about her bad day and then pretty much say shes been happier since not long after we split up hurts. After she said this I said I had to go and left. I may be reading into this too much as I'm still kinda emotional but yeah.

 

Also, it kinda hurts that she is dealing with this so well. For the first 2 weeks or so she was a mess calling me and txting me for comfort but ever since I called her and spilled all my emotions out it just seems to be the other way round now. I am genuinely happy that she is happy right now, she is being really positive about her issues, seeing old friends she lost touch with, going out and having fun, and even though it makes me feel pretty bad im glad she's dealing with this well. I just wish I hadn't made that phone call, because I think its the whole she knows she can have me thing. I dunno, im just blabbing out my feelings as much as I can for you wise people to descifre while they're still fresh in my mind. I'm going to get to sleep and hopefully in the morning I will be able to read some respones. once again, many thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the both of you need to be in NC and work on your own lives. It sounds like the two of you are just feeling lonely and that is why you reach out to each other. In order for two people to get back together in a healthier way, enough time needs to have lapsed post breakup to give both people a chance to really reflect on the relationship and determine if it truly is love. Getting back together quickly after a break up usually signifies neediness rather than real love. Take the time to work on yourself and to live your life, and let her live her life. Get to the point where you don't feel you NEED her in your life and that you are fine without her.

[CRX-EF8]

I just thought I would update this. I met up with her yesterday, we just went and coffee. We chatted and laughed, it was nice. She seems very happy which is good, we kept the meeting light hearted, didn't talk about us or anything. Then after coffee we went and looked in a few shops and then I dropped her home.

 

I don't really know what to make of it, it was really nice to see her and when we hugged to say goodbye it felt amazing. Not really sure if shes moving on now or what. after the meeting I sent her a message saying it was good to catch up and we should do it again soon. she responded with "yeah sounds good I guess I'll just see what happens from now on. Any analysis from anyone?

 

thanks

[paulod]

I agree with crazyaboutdogs,

You both need to go away and work positivly on yourselves,it's hard to stay away believe me and you'll have your ups and downs doing it, but in the end it will be so much better for you both. It's what I'm doing now and it does work, takes time but it works!

[eAlone]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except we were in a relationship for over 3.5 years. I'll tell you what's been happening. We met just the two of us like you guys, then another time after. Then we met at a couple of mutual friend's event. She calls me for comfort. And you know what...we're still not together and its closing on 4 months but I can say that it puts me back not at step 1 cause I'm completely passed that, but close to step 1. I'm always the one wanting more, but not getting any of it, and it sucks. I've been told that what I'm doing is just easing her through the break up until someone else comes to snatch her. But I guess it's different for everyone. I plan on just risking it all by summer time though. No need for this unnecessary back and forth business.

[CRX-EF8]

Thank you for your replies. I can see where you guys are coming from when you talk about the whole time away from each other, I guess I just find it hard to accept it. Paulod when you say it takes time but it works, how long have you been doing it? and how exactly did it work for you in the end?

ealone, that really sucks to hear, i can understand what you mean about risking it all. Part of me just wants to give it my all, and if shes not interested then at least I'll have some sort of closure. I just really hate the idea of going NC when everything is open ended, all the what ifs running through my head.