I am lost.

[mageofspades]

I've never posted before, and I must say I'm completely embarrassed and a little ashamed of what I am about to post...

 

I have been dating this amazing guy for almost 4 months. We both agreed that we were going to take things very slow (since we both have had very unhealthy relationships in the past). Everything was fine. We were building a strong base for a meaningful relationship. He called me one of his best friends, and I truly felt that same towards him. We were romantically involved, but never referred to ourselves as in a relationship (the semantics are all irrelevant, what I mean here is it was never "official per se).

 

Then last Wednesday, we both got intoxicated with our friends, got into a disagreement over seeing a children's movies...and ended our relationship with a promise of no contact, him crying and me feeling more guilty than I've ever felt in my entire life. Yes...we broke it off on April Fool's day over How To Train Your Dragon (he knew I wanted to see it, but instead went to see it with his friends...if I was sober, believe me, I would have put into context).

 

During this "disagreement" I sprung the question "If I were to ask you to be my boyfriend, what would be your answer?" and he said "Right now, I would have to say no." And I got emotional, defensive and immature. I really care about this guy, but he told me if I had to disappear he would understand. He cried and ran out of my car. He said that I have made a profound appearance in his life, but the spark has been going away and he doesn't understand why. He said I was everything he was looking for. I asked him to forgive me and he of course said yes and that I am one of the most beautiful people he as ever met.

 

I texted him the next day asking him about his grandfather - because he was just admitted to the hospital and I told him that I was truly sorry to hear about that and that if he needed anything, I would be here for him. He responded "Thank you. Not much to be done, though." And that was the last thing we have said to each other.

 

Is this just stupid? Yes. Is this immature? Yes. Am I embarrassed? You better believe it. I just don't know what to do. We are both med students...and I am completely lost. I do not know how to initiate contact, or if I even should.

 

This is the e-mail he sent to me the day after...

"I don't want you to disappear from my life. If you have to, I will understand. You're a part of me, yet you're substantially different and I love that. I don't have any expectations, I want you to do what's right in your soul. I can't ask for anything else. I wish I could be everything. I am not. I feel like the worst person on the planet. I wish I could speak to you in raw emotion because words can't describe what this feels like. I don't want you to go away, but I don't know how you can stay and that hurts me. You have shown me so much and I thank you for every piece of that. But I can't negotiate when my heart says you're my best friend. I wish it would always feel like boyfriend. It just isn't all the time. Empty is how I feel, it's the right way for me to feel right now. God only knows how devoid of everything I feel right now, I don't know what is right or up or down. I thank you for everything. I forgive you for everything even if it's not something you need to be forgiven for. I actually want you to forgive me. Please forgive me? Forgive me for hurting one of my best friends. Please don't forget that faeries exist because we believe they do. I want you to believe in Never Never Land. Peter pan lives in all of us, just like you will always live in me and I in you. That will never change."

[Keyman]

So, that was a week ago. can I suggest perhaps waiting another week or two and then texting him the following three words..."I miss you." and see what happens.

 

If he has been flipping between friend and boyfriend, then there may be parts of the relationship where he is not feeling fulfilled and by simply working together to determine what the issues were you may be able to get past them.

[mca1975]

Umm, very confusing. He is a very sensitive being isn't he, very romantic in his writings....

 

However, it looks like he is trying to say he just wants to be friends, but feels terrible about it?

 

I would back off, I bet he contacts you soon saying he misses you.

[mageofspades]

I don't think he will be contacting me. He is thoroughly convinced that I do not want to be talk with him. He said to a mutual friend that he is worried about me - and trying to adjust to us not being friends. He is hurt...

 

But...a part of me wants to wait for him to contact me and a part of me wants to contact him, but I don't want to go back on my word.

 

His birthday is this week...

 

I don't know what to do.

[Ms Darcy]

During this "disagreement" I sprung the question "If I were to ask you to be my boyfriend, what would be your answer?" and he said "Right now, I would have to say no." And I got emotional, defensive and immature. I really care about this guy, but he told me if I had to disappear he would understand. He cried and ran out of my car. He said that I have made a profound appearance in his life, but the spark has been going away and he doesn't understand why. He said I was everything he was looking for. I asked him to forgive me and he of course said yes and that I am one of the most beautiful people he as ever met.

 

I think your answer is in what he told you. The attraction was dying for him. What I think is interesting is the whole "we didn't need labels" thing. It sounds like that was a good way for him to avoid examining how he really felt about you. Anyway, I'm a fan of commitments; it lets you know how much a person is willing to claim you as their partner, which tells you where their heart is. I'm sorry you are going through this now.

[mageofspades]

So I texted him last night at around 2am (we both stay up late studying, so it's normal) "your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. And all I stitch has colored with it." (It's from a book and I quoted it) and he responded...

 

I miss your friends as a color to my palatte. It's hue leaves a colorless mark which will never be full.

 

How the heck do I respond to that?!

[SpeedingCars]

Wait, so he misses your friends? I'm confused.

[mageofspades]

Woops, sorry - friendship. Must have gotten ahead of myself. Sorry : )

[Ms Darcy]

So I texted him last night at around 2am (we both stay up late studying, so it's normal) "your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. And all I stitch has colored with it." (It's from a book and I quoted it) and he responded...

 

I miss your friends as a color to my palatte. It's hue leaves a colorless mark which will never be full.

 

How the heck do I respond to that?!

 

Wow that's a whole lot of bologne. He doesn't want to be your bf and that's what you want. Telling you he misses you is simply being selfish and not considering how much that would hurt you.

[mageofspades]

Well the poetry is because we're both writers. lol

 

I called him the other night to wish him a happy birthday and he answered on the first ring. He sounded extremely excited to hear from me (but he was also slightly intoxicated). He asked how I was and I asked the same - then he blurted out "Are we still doing this ignoring one another and not being friends thingy?" and that took me my surprise. I told him that's what I wanted to talk about, but not with him tonight because (1) you're drunk and (2) it's your birthday, friggin' have fun! haha

 

He then called me the pet name he had for me (sunshine pants); it's what he called me all throughout dating, and I just had to finish the convo because I was getting a little emotional. He told me he would call me the next day - but I informed him I will call him later on because I have class all day and needed to study.

 

Well, that's how that went. What do you all think?

[abitbroken]

It seems to me that this young man is confused about relationships. In a good relationship, you won't ever feel a spark every moment or second. There are times of sheer companionship, etc. He may feel - if he is dramatic and poetic - that love is some big lightning bolt or something. So hence perhaps sometimes feeling like bf/gf and sometimes like best friends.

 

I think that you have to take him with a grain of salt per the phone call because he was intoxicated. In fact, this whole mess sort of started because you were both intoxicated, no?

 

He sounds - minus the drinking - like my first boyfriend. Who wanted to "someday walk in union" with me, etc.

 

I think this guy could want to be with you but doesn't want to be anything formal and its going to be an emotional rollercoaster or continue to be. I didn't think you were unreasonable for wanting to be his girlfriend, but I don't think you are going to be in the way you want - in a free and easy "one minute on/one minute off" way.

 

I would say don't be so quick to contact this guy back.

[mageofspades]

Thank you for the advice : )

 

We haven't actually had a conversation since we broke up april 1st...

[mageofspades]

We are going to have dinner sometime this week. We spoke for about 2 hours on the phone - he pretty much is still where he was at when he ended it - says i'm his "best friend" (which is very sad, because...he doesn't have many friends) and was just waiting for the right opportunity to bring up a discussion.

 

Apparently it was something that I did that make him realize we just aren't compatible on the level that I want it to be. I did something, and in doing it told him that I know what I'm doing is wrong and I can't even apologize because I know I'm doing it (it wasn't cheating).

 

But we're going to talk and i'm going to give him his birthday gift and I'm just going to be a strong, supportive friend because I respect him and hopefully in doing so i can regain whatever trust or feelings I lost.

 

Yes? No?