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More marriage hints - we're not moving too, too fast are we?


citymouse

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This is an update to a thread I posted a few weeks ago... here it is if anyone cares to look:

 

Basically I met my guy in December through E-harmony, we hit it off, and we've been dating steadily for nearly four months. We waited two months before we slept together FWIW. We have so much fun, and are on the same page emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, everything.

 

But during the past month he has been dropping marriage hints, and it seems like it is escalating.

 

* A few weeks ago he told me he is a member of a local botanical garden that is a hugely popular spot for weddings -- and added that he gets discounts on booking "private events" there. Then he said he wants to add me to his membership next year.

 

* Said he is planning to build/add on to the square footage of his house.

 

* Two weeks ago he gave me a three carat diamond bracelet on the first day of spring because he said I have made him feel like new again.

 

* The other day he said he wants to stick around in my life as long as I'll have him.

 

* Today when I told him how much I miss flying (I used to be a flight attendant)-- he said "we will have to look into that" because he has a ton of sky miles saved up and wants to use them to get two first-class Trans-Atlantic airline tickets. (but to where and with whom? Lol)

 

* Today when I told him I would love to have a dog again but can't because I live in a studio, he stopped me in mid-sentence and held my hand and said:

 

Well, I want you to know I have been thinking. And I would like for us to spend the rest of our lives together. And you can have all the dogs that you want. I don't want to be with anyone else...you've made me happier than I've ever been. I can't imagine being with anyone else but you for the rest of my life.

 

Then he added that he would like us to "stop working so much" so that we can "slow down" and make the most of the time we have together and maybe do a little bit of traveling. Here I would like to add that we are both at mid-life, I'm 48 and a flat broke public school teacher; he's 51, he's a successful lawyer and from what I gather he is well established financially.

 

While I do have summers off, I have no plans to quit working whether I'm happily married or not. I don't think that's what he was suggesting though. Maybe he was referring to lightening up his case load? But if I can have all the dogs I want, that sounds like us living together, right?

 

Like I said, we are nearly at the four month mark. It's OK for us to be talking like this, right? It is not like we are 20-year-old kids.

 

How long do you think people should be dating before they start talking about these things?

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No, I don't think it's too soon at all. Men fall fast when they fall for someone. Doesn't mean it's not genuine. Maybe if you were 18 years old that might be different, but by his 50's, I assume he knows what he wants and has been around a bit.

 

Love has no time limit. You don't have to wait 6 months or 2 years or whatever silly time constraints people put on these things.

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I don't think there's a hard limit, but it sounds like you're concerned just because you came here to ask about it.

 

What about his attitude or readiness for this concerns you? Do you feel you don't know him well enough just yet to be ready for something this serious with him? Do you want to still advance the relationship but keep taking it slow? Where are you in all this as far as where YOU see the relationship now, where it's going, and where you would like to see it in another 4 months?

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Yes it's normal, stop over-analyzing and enjoy it!! Sounds like a great guy who knows what he wants and is crazy about you.

 

I'm sure there are some who will say this is too fast, but given your age and the fact that he's been so consistent with you I think he's completely genuine. My best friend got engaged 6 months after meeting her husband, they are now married for 6 years and have two children, it happens and like I said enjoy it!

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Like I said, we are nearly at the four month mark. It's OK for us to be talking like this, right? It is not like we are 20-year-old kids.

 

How long do you think people should be dating before they start talking about these things?

There is no set time period, it's different for everyone.

 

How do you feel about it? Is it too soon for you? Do you feel things are moving too fast?

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Well, even though you're not "kids" anymore, I think you are still in that lovely phase of new relationships where you fantasize about the future with the other person, and start to picture and dream about what life could be like together.

 

Obviously it sounds like he can picture the two of you together forever. Still, I don't think that means he is hinting that he is ready, or the two of you are ready, to move forward with one of those big steps (living together or marriage), quite yet.

 

If I were you, I would enjoy the day dreaming about the future while still taking the time to get to know him. If you still feel this way about each other in 6 months or so, then it would be time to make that next step. I guess what I'm saying is, it's not too soon to be thinking and talking about it, but I think it is still too soon to make those dreams a reality. Make sure you take the time to get to know each other and establish a strong foundation.

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i'd wonder if you've yet to experience any significant problems. that seems important. perhaps when you commit to somone...you commit to working through any problems that arise. are you compatible in that sense? are you on the same page when it comes to communication...especially in regards to differences. i'd hazard a guess that that's the main reason people wait. any relationship experiences the inevitable power struggle...when the initial intense romance stage begins to subside. relationships seem to grow more from differences than they do from the things you share in common. have you dealt with any significant differences?

 

tend to agree with the other posts. trust your own feelings. if something's making you uncomfortable...why not explore that?

 

 

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If I were you, I would enjoy the day dreaming about the future while still taking the time to get to know him. If you still feel this way about each other in 6 months or so, then it would be time to make that next step. I guess what I'm saying is, it's not too soon to be thinking and talking about it, but I think it is still too soon to make those dreams a reality. Make sure you take the time to get to know each other and establish a strong foundation.

 

Perfectly put.

 

Enjoy the dreams as a romantic gesture, an expression of love. Leave the reality until you know each other well enough to be sure of it.

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What about his attitude or readiness for this concerns you? ....

Where are you in all this as far as where YOU see the relationship now, where it's going, and where you would like to see it in another 4 months?

 

I guess I'm not concerned so much as just wondering what the standard is, if there is such a thing.

 

I value others' input and insights because I have a terrible track record with relationships. I have a history of dating men who cheated on me, toyed with me, treated me like an afterthought, or were just not very nice in general.

 

However I took a very long hiatus from dating, and so did my b/f. We both were saying today that that long "alone" period was what we needed, to take a time out and think about how not to make the same old mistakes again.

 

So far so good...

 

As far as what I want? If I had a crystal ball I would like to see us continue dating and having fun this year. I would be comfortable with getting engaged later this year. I think summer at the earliest. Married and living together one year after we met at the earliest.

 

My lease comes up in January anyway!

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He is coming on way way way too strong and seems to be trying to buy you things. A 3 Carat diamond bracelet!!!!!. It seems like everything is "your wish is my command", like he is some kind of Genie who grants you your wishes. Be very very careful because he is laying it on really thick and plenty of women have gotten burned by these men who really lay it on thick so fast and are doing cartwheels for the woman buying her expensive presents, wining and dining her and making it seem like he will buy her the moon all she has to do is ask. Lots of these "so eager to sweep the woman off their feet" types are wolf in sheep's clothing. I think there is too much rushing and too much "I am your genie in a bottle" reactions from him.

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i'd wonder if you've yet to experience any significant problems. that seems important. perhaps when you commit to somone...you commit to working through any problems that arise. are you compatible in that sense?

 

 

I think this is where my anxiety is coming from.

 

Like I said earlier I have a terrible track record with *past* relationships. This one has been great from the beginning. He is so incredibly kind and thoughtful. He also is a very patient and compassionate person and I could go on and on about how smart and interesting he is too.

 

But I have this secret fear that it's all so wonderful and it's going to go "poof" and turn out to be some terrible mirage. A conflict will arise or he will turn out to be a Jekyll and Hyde.

 

Why? Because that is my history, it has happened to me over and over where I fell for these guys, and back in those days I often overlooked red flags and then got my heart broken.

 

So far there are no red flags with this guy. I keep watching and looking, but nothing.

 

Meanwhile I'm deliriously happy and can't stop smiling all the time! I want him so much that it scares me.

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He is coming on way way way too strong and seems to be trying to buy you things. A 3 Carat diamond bracelet!!!!!. It seems like everything is "your wish is my command", like he is some kind of Genie who grants you your wishes. Be very very careful because he is laying it on really thick and plenty of women have gotten burned by these men who really lay it on thick so fast and are doing cartwheels for the woman buying her expensive presents, wining and dining her and making it seem like he will buy her the moon all she has to do is ask. Lots of these "so eager to sweep the woman off their feet" types are wolf in sheep's clothing. I think there is too much rushing and too much "I am your genie in a bottle" reactions from him.

 

 

what's wrong with the guy who thinks you are the "bee's knees" and wants to give you everything under the sun. I would be flattered with that.

 

Look at life as a glass "half full" NOT "half empty".

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what's wrong with the guy who thinks you are the "bee's knees" and wants to give you everything under the sun. I would be flattered with that.

 

Look at life as a glass "half full" NOT "half empty".

 

To be fair, and maybe this is just because I'm a young guy and I'd have my concerns if I was seriously thinking about this sort of thing right now, but has he brought up any reservations in concert with his dreams?

 

I mean, "I want you to be with me." is great and all, but has he thought through the implications of that or is he just daydreaming? They're two different things, one's head in the clouds, other's feet on the ground.

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If I were you, I would enjoy the day dreaming about the future while still taking the time to get to know him. If you still feel this way about each other in 6 months or so, then it would be time to make that next step. I guess what I'm saying is, it's not too soon to be thinking and talking about it, but I think it is still too soon to make those dreams a reality. Make sure you take the time to get to know each other and establish a strong foundation.

 

Thank you, Sophie. I love your advice.

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He's just doing what a smitten guy does. He's obviously crazy about you, and sometimes things do happen that fast. My boyfriend can't even remember some of the absolutely crazy things he did for me when we first met (I have some REALLY hilariously bad poetry saved from those days) and he is crazy as ever for me, 4 years later. But, we were just kids and obviously couldn't just go getting married right away. My Mom's husband went nuts for her, and even went so far as to buy her a kayak for her birthday, less than a year into their relationship. When a man falls, he falls hard, and it sounds like this is what your man has done.

 

Need another example? My cousin got engaged to her now-husband about 5months after they met and they were married a little more than a year after they met. They have a little daughter and are a happy family. Their relationship has been set on turbo the whole time, but they're very happy.

 

The only negative thing I have to say is that you MUST have your first disagreement before you agree to get married, IF he is barking up that tree already. You each need to know how the other handles conflict, and whether or not you will still be as tight after a fight as you are now.

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I mean, "I want you to be with me." is great and all, but has he thought through the implications of that or is he just daydreaming? .

 

No, he hasn't gotten specific. And I'm glad of that. I think he is just floating the idea out there. Of course I floated the idea right back, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I adore him and nothing would make me happier.

 

I think this is something he has been thinking about and was waiting for the right moment to bring it up. I mean, I was in the middle of talking about dogs and he stopped me in mid-sentence and switched the conversation around to us spending the rest of our lives together.

 

IMO nothing is ever official until there is a ring and a date set.

 

 

The only negative thing I have to say is that you MUST have your first disagreement before you agree to get married, IF he is barking up that tree already. You each need to know how the other handles conflict, and whether or not you will still be as tight after a fight as you are now.

 

Sherryberrypie, I lovvvve your examples and they made me smile, thanks for sharing!

 

And I think you have raised a great point about handling conflicts. Absolutely.... we are still totally in the honeymoon period and there have been no conflicts. It's like we trip over ourselves to cater to each other and defer to the other one's opinions or desires. We're so nice to each other... this is a total switch from my past relationships!

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I'm really torn, Citymouse. Part of me is thinking how wonderful this sounds and how lucky you are - and part of me is remembering the one guy I met who treated me like this and turned out to be a control freak and I felt as though I had been groomed.

 

You know at our age (I'm about your age) that we DO have to fight through cynicism to get to Love again. BUT...

 

...you obviously have something inside telling you to be wary. This could be a good or bad thing, and the only way you are going to know is by giving it time.

 

Personally I think he is doing the 'genie' thing - and that is the flipside of being very controlling. I would feel really smothered - but I can see how it could simply just be a loving, generous guy (I have to remind myself they ARE out there!!)

 

Listen to your heart. How long does he generally go without offering to do something nice for you? That can be a sign of someone who constantly had to appease a parent, for example, and when you know him longer you may realise that he sees this as putting love in the bank and that you 'owe' him.

 

I really hope not. I hope this is what it seems.

 

If it is, then waiting and asking him to hold back a little will do no harm.

 

Because the sad truth is, he may be rushing things along so that you're in too deep before you're out of the honyemoon phase...

 

As I said, I do hope this is a genuinely good man - BUT!! Listen to your heart. (Another thread points out that we usually know the answers, we just don't want to hear them!)

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You know at our age (I'm about your age) that we DO have to fight through cynicism to get to Love again...

 

 

It's a daily battle for me. I have lost sleep the past two nights because I had this fear that something bad will happen, the carpet will be yanked out from under me.

 

 

...you obviously have something inside telling you to be wary. This could be a good or bad thing, and the only way you are going to know is by giving it time.

 

 

I do. You can't forget 25 years of dating experiences... I'm wary because we have only known each other four months. Yet in my heart I feel like I've known him all my life because we are so in sync. I agree that though things are going well, we need more time together; it's all just so early on.

 

 

 

How long does he generally go without offering to do something nice for you? That can be a sign of someone who constantly had to appease a parent, for example, and when you know him longer you may realise that he sees this as putting love in the bank and that you 'owe' him.

 

 

I'm not familiar with the 'genie' phenomenon. But he does nice things for me all.the.time. Just little things. If I mention that I'm out of matches, he brings me matches the next time he comes over. If we're out driving, he tells me to pull into a gas station so he can fill up my tank and wash the car windows. Just little things like that, all the time.

 

I am still learning about his family history but he did tell me that his mother "wore the pants" in the family. Those were his words. He also was brought up very strictly.

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Oh my, he's my type of guy! For someone to be talking about possibly getting married at a botanical garden and buying a three carat ring for his girl is definitely my type of man. Just go with it and enjoy what you have with him. He's just overly smitten by you.

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There is an expression "if it is too good to be true it usually is" He is over the top. There is being nice and doing nice gestures, but he seems to be over the top...too much too soon. Yes, forty somethings can be cynical...but by the same token there are many lonely forty something women who felt that they missed the boat and there have been plenty of men around to take advantage of their loneliness by turning on the charm, getting them hooked and then turning into the man from hell once the woman is hooked. His over the top behaviour is very suspicious and I would be very wary of his true intentions.

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might be time for a little foray into the land of communication. couldn't hurt at this stage...could it? if it's a concern...isn't it worth expressing that in some way? might be your first opportunity to deal with a potential 'problem'. perfect opportunity for you to guage his reaction...see how he deals with the situation...and of course, how you deal with the situation.

 

sure, it may play out just fine. there's certainly some cred to the idea of just going with it; however, is there a potential for you to get drawn in to the point where it's even harder to turn back? where you're stuck in a situation that really makes you squirm?

 

hmmm...interesting situation. sure you'll keep us posted on how it all pans out.

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Thanks, Kitty!

 

 

might be time for a little foray into the land of communication. couldn't hurt at this stage...could it? if it's a concern...isn't it worth expressing that in some way? )

 

Not sure I'm understanding you -- You mean the concern -- the fears I've been having that this relationship will suddenly go badly because I've had that happen to me so many times before?

 

Not sure I'd want to share that with him... I'm honestly trying really hard not to share my insecurities with him. I feel like the insecurities are my problem, my baggage, and they really have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and the lousy choices I've made in the past.

 

Even though I have these nagging fears sometimes, I am trying to "fake it until I make it" --- approach the relationship positively and keep things light and fun. I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities for conflicts or disagreements later on; that's part of all relationships, at some point.

 

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