Invited to a cousin's wedding...can't take a date.

[Laura11111]

Hi there,

Haven't posted a long time.

Need some opinions.

 

I've been invited to my first cousin's wedding but told that I can't bring a date. My sister and brother are invited without a date as well. Do I have a right to feel insuted? A number of people whom I have spoke with agree with me that to invite us without dates in rude.

 

To give you some background...I only have three first cousins on that side of the family (the groom and his two sisters). The wedding is a six hour drive for us so we have to take off work and pay for a hotel in order to attend. My boyfriend and I are very serious although we've only been dating for six months. My sister has been with her boyfriend for five years and they are currently looking to buy a house together. My cousin's family is wealthy. The last I heard, the wedding costs were up to $60 000. We aren't going to know very many people at the wedding.

 

So...what the heck? I'm so insulted that I don't think I'm going to go. If they want to keep numbers down, they should cut the dates of people who live in town, dont' have significant others, and whom know more people at the wedding.

 

Sorry...this turned into a vent.

 

What do you think???

[fLuiD]

Skip the wedding.

[happyfrank]

I wouldn't go.. Very insulting.. I would just give them present after the event and wish them luck.

[capbit]

Ultimately, it's their wedding and their call when it comes to the number of people they would like to have attend. If you're not comfortable with that then don't go.

[JonasWaingaro]

It's a toughie. My exes family got cut in half because of a wedding snub. 10 years later and it's still not anywhere near fixed - totally ignore each other. Was it worth it? Probably not, I met them all and got along great but they still hold a grudge and have hard feelings. As Capbit says, it's their wedding - it's their day not the families or anyone elses. If it bothers you politely beg out, but I'd go and let the issue go. It's about them, let them have the day.

[agent1607307371]

The last I heard, the wedding costs were up to $60 000.

 

Sixty grand, right. Not sixy dollars. Tbh, you don't know how badly that's hitting them.

[itsallgrand]

I don't see what the big deal is, honestly. It's one day, and if they are people you care about - well I'd just go.

 

What bothers me is when they don't feed me at weddings! I've been to several now where we have to pop into a restaurant and buy a meal in between the service and the reception. Now that sucks.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to draw the line at only inviting guests where the couple is engaged or married. Weddings are expensive and I don't think it's fair for you to judge how they choose to spend their money. How well do they know your boyfriend? Maybe they want to limit the number of strangers at their wedding so this is where they're drawing the line. I went to a number of weddings solo because I wasn't invited with a date and I had a great time - I also traveled, stayed at a hotel a few times, etc. You're not obligated to attend of course but I don't think it's rude on their part.

[itsallgrand]

Oh another option, since you are in Ontario, just go to their social and be done with it that way if you want. The bf can go with you there if you don't want to do the wedding thing solo.

[rosephase]

Tell me again why that is insulting? It's not like they have met your boyfriend and said "we don't want HIM to come"

 

I do not understand why you would get up in arms about it. If it sounds expensive and/or boring then just don't go. If you feel like you *should* because it's family suck it up and deal.

 

We have to do unpleasant things from time to time for our families. It happens. It's a six hour drive and a night without your boyfriend in the end it's not a big deal and it's not offensive.

[DN]

I think it's fine to draw the line at only inviting guests where the couple is engaged or married. Weddings are expensive and I don't think it's fair for you to judge how they choose to spend their money. How well do they know your boyfriend? Maybe they want to limit the number of strangers at their wedding so this is where they're drawing the line. I went to a number of weddings solo because I wasn't invited with a date and I had a great time - I also traveled, stayed at a hotel a few times, etc. You're not obligated to attend of course but I don't think it's rude on their part.

I agree with Batya.

 

A wedding is not the same as a party. It is a celebration for friends and family of the bride and groom and although it is nice to be able to bring a date many people simply can't afford it and either have to curtail it that way or not invite other friends.

 

If you choose to take it as an insult then that is up to you.

[iBroken]

Weddings are expensive and if they dont want to allow people to bring guests to cut down on costs, it is ultimately up to them because it is their day.

 

If you are close with your cousin, I would just go to the wedding and forget that you couldnt bring a date. Its really not worth making a fuss over. You might not understand why they didnt invite guests of a guest and they might not understand why its so important for you to insist a non family member celebrate this day at their expense.

[Miss Firecracker]

No one is forcing you to go there. I see nothing strange with their request. Just don't go if you are upset about it though. That would be pointless, you'd be miserable.

[russ978]

If you want to turn THEIR special day into YOUR somehow being insulted, do them a favor and don't go...they can't afford both you and a date so they're asking you to come...if you try to make it about you, you're selfish...don't go.

 

If you want to show your support for them and the start of their new lives go.

 

Hopefully, when you get married, you'll have all the cash in the world and can invite everyone but if you can't...I sure hope you aren't stuck with petty 'why isn't this about me and my life' individuals....

[sophie274]

I agree with DN and Batya. I might expect a very close friend or immediate family member to invite me with a plus one if I had a boyfriend, since they would presumably know him,etc, but not a cousin. I agree that's it's only rude to invited one half if a couple is married - for me, married couples are always a package deal in that situation!

 

I was invited and went to my second cousin's wedding because I'm close to her parents and her sisters, and wanted to show my support. Because everyone I knew was in the wedding party (her immediate family), they were extremely busy and didn't have much time to speak with me, since they needed to make the rounds. It was a bit lonely, but I tried to meet people, had dinner, smiled, stayed to dance for a bit, and then left. Even though it wasn't the evening of my life I was glad to have been there for that moment in her life so I could witness to it, symbolically.

 

If you don't think it'll be fun and don't feel like going and it's a stretch for you to get there, you don't have to go - although depending on how close you are with your cousin I think it's nice to attend as a gesture of love and support, even if it's not the time of your life.

[metafisics]

I think it's fine to draw the line at only inviting guests where the couple is engaged or married. Weddings are expensive and I don't think it's fair for you to judge how they choose to spend their money. How well do they know your boyfriend? Maybe they want to limit the number of strangers at their wedding so this is where they're drawing the line. I went to a number of weddings solo because I wasn't invited with a date and I had a great time - I also traveled, stayed at a hotel a few times, etc. You're not obligated to attend of course but I don't think it's rude on their part.

 

Same boat, I find it insulting to people who have partners and have no intention of getting married. I am grudgingly going to an old's friend wedding, who has specified that singles cant bring partners.

 

I view this as some serious discrimination and putting married people on a pedestal. I have voiced this to her and she said she will see what she can do. I am really annoyed, but I have decided that for the sake of our friendship, which is otherwise good, I will attend the wedding and deal with her later.

 

I understand budget limitation, but couldnt she picked another criteria to limit the number of guests that doesnt specifically discriminate against a certain group?

 

I am really trying to deal with my resentment, because I trully resent the discrimination.

[EEjustYOmeRE]

it's you cousin's day. not yours. it may suck, trust me, i know! but being on both ends of the spectrum (having to decide who to invite, who can bring dates and what not and also not being able to bring my partner to special occasions such as these) you just have to respect their decisions. unless you were the one going through all the stressors of planning the wedding with them, i don't think you have much say on what you want for their day.

 

when you get married, you can decide however you want and plan all you want, and BELIEVE me, there will be at least one person complaining about one thing or another. and the fact that it would be yours and your significant other's day....you won't really care to cater to other people's complaints or requests.

[wildchild1]

It is an honor to be invited to a wedding. To be upset because it is not on your terms is doing your relationship a disservice. I am in the process of this right now, and if there is a limited budget, it is not easy or enjoyable deciding who gets to come and who doesn't. It is one thing if you are footing the bill with them and their families, but you are not. So I believe you are over stepping your bounds. If you do not wish to go, don't go, I think that is fair.

 

I hardly find it discriminatory. No matter what the criteria, someone is going to have to be disappointed. For those planning a wedding, it makes the most sense to only pay for people that will be there. A married or engaged couple is less likely to have a partial no show then a 6 month relationship.

[metafisics]

Oh you're so wrong! I've seen plenty married couples no show. Instead, singles often bring another date if things are no longer good between them and their original partners.

 

I understand urging people not to go out of their way to get dates, but to discriminate against people who do have partners but are not married is plain unacceptable!

[wildchild1]

Oh you're so wrong! I've seen plenty married couples no show. Instead, singles often bring another date if things are no longer good between them and their original partners.

 

I understand urging people not to go out of their way to get dates, but to discriminate against people who do have partners but are not married is plain unacceptable!

 

I'm sure there are some examples, there always are. Your evidence is anecdotal though. You can continue to feel discriminated against, or you can be happy for those that are getting married, because once again, it is about the couple at that point in time.

 

I know at almost $100 a plate, I want to be sure they show up

 

P.S. Not to mention the litany of reasons they may personally have of wanting those limitations.

[metafisics]

I'm sure there are some examples, there always are. Your evidence is anecdotal though. You can continue to feel discriminated against, or you can be happy for those that are getting married, because once again, it is about the couple at that point in time.

 

I know at almost $100 a plate, I want to be sure they show up

 

P.S. Not to mention the litany of reasons they may personally have of wanting those limitations.

 

With all due respect, I think you are missing my point. Not disputing all that about costs and plates that cost $100.

 

Besides, I am the one who is putting my feelings aside for the sake of our friendship and have decided to attend the wedding.

 

All I am saying is nothing justfies discriminating against a person because they are not married. It being your day does not give you the right to discriminate against your friends because they are not married. However you can appeal to those who do not have partners not to bring dates.

 

ps: My evidence is not anymore anecdotal than yours.

[wildchild1]

With all due respect, I think you are missing my point. Not disputing all that about costs and plates that cost $100.

 

Besides, I am the one who is putting my feelings aside for the sake of our friendship and have decided to attend the wedding.

 

All I am saying is nothing justfies discriminating against a person because they are not married. It being your day does not give you the right to discriminate against your friends because they are not married. However you can appeal to those who do not have partners not to bring dates.

 

ps: My evidence is not anymore anecdotal than yours.

 

Just because I disagree doesn't mean I miss the point. And in Western society it is far more common for a married couple to attend or simply not RSVP if they can't make it. You do realize you are also discriminating against those that don't have dates at the moment. Who are you to decide they can't bring people? This is a circular argument, simply do what you feel is right. I sincerely hope you enjoy the wedding if you decide to attend.

[Batya33]

It's a private party paid for privately - where's the "discrimination"? They can invite whoever they want and the invitees need not attend. If I were in the bride's shoes I would invite married people and couples who have been together long term - where I know the couples. I would not invite everyone to bring a guest with them, because that would include random dates as well as new boyfriends/girlfriends etc.

[greywolf]

I don't think it's insulting.

[annie24]

I think it's fine to draw the line at only inviting guests where the couple is engaged or married. Weddings are expensive and I don't think it's fair for you to judge how they choose to spend their money. How well do they know your boyfriend? Maybe they want to limit the number of strangers at their wedding so this is where they're drawing the line. I went to a number of weddings solo because I wasn't invited with a date and I had a great time - I also traveled, stayed at a hotel a few times, etc. You're not obligated to attend of course but I don't think it's rude on their part.

 

i agree with batya. $60,000 is A LOT of money. and it's not like you wouldn't know anyone at the wedding as your other family would be there right? it's also always an opportunity to meet new people. i wouldn't stress about it. honestly.

 

i never have shown up to a wedding with a date, even when i could, just because i've never had a serious enough boyfriend to take when the invitation came. and batya brings up a great point about fiancees or spouses being invited, not the 'flavor of the month.' a wedding is still a personal event, and i would rather know who my guests are than 'who is that random man over there?' i'd rather invite more friends to a wedding than have half the people there be dates of those people i do actually know. that's just me though.