cherryberry123 Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 I have another thread that basically explains this whole situation, but to sum it up in order: We met October 2008 July-August 2009 Started seeing a difference in him...kept asking if something is bothering him, but every time he would say "no" September 2009: Told me he didn't feel the same anymore; School started (Note: I tried to hold onto him for the whole semester. When I would try to stop contact, he would get upset at me..and I would cave) End of December 2009: Told me he was starting to see someone new Start of January 2010 He gave me the whole "I'm not giving you any signs I like you, you need to move on." ; The most devastating thing happened...I wanted him to give me a call one evening. He calls at 10pm but immediately hung up. I tried calling him back but he kept denying my calls. I eventually received a call from him at 12 at night, I asked where he was. His response? "I was at her house...". It kills me every time I think back to that night. I finally did something smart for once and finally stopped contacting him from the night forward. Middle of Feb 2010 I msged him on IM just to see how he was..told him I was getting help. (I know, dumb move) ; I apologized for the past but he told me to let that go. March He changed his facebook picture to a teddy I gave him (I gave it to him when he was angry at me back in June/July) and received an email from him the next day after he changed his pic. I am completely confused at this point. We email back and forth for a bit, but I end the exchange by not responding to his last email March 5 days later after his last email, i guess he noticed i wasn't responding..I get a facebook msg from him random msg. i saw pine/some other type of wood (for pets) which i cant remember at walmart which was pretty cheap. ". I don't respond to the msg April A couple days later after I received his facebook msg, I decided to text him outta the blue: Me: "Kelso!! (I'm the only one who calls him this)" Him: "Hahaha. What's up?" Me: "Just getting ready for bed. How are you?" Him: "Not bad. Working the night shift. How was your day? Me: "Don't they know you have narcolepsy(joke)? I saw alice in 3d! Has work been busy?" I didn't receive a text for a while, and just sent him another "Goodnight, Kelso. Sweet dreams" Him: "Haha. I wish they did. How was the movie. It's been steady" Yesterday Through hours of discussing it with my friends, I decided I was going to confront him and settle this once and for all. I was going to ask him about the suspicious facebook picture. I was getting ready for possible rejection again. I texted: me: " Hey what's up?" him: "Hey! I'm just studying...or attempting to.lol. What are you up to?" me: "Just getting ready for bed. if you're not too busy, I was wondering if we can talk on the phone for a bit" He ends up calling right away, I freak out..and don't call for another 15 minutes,I made an excuse I was getting ready for bed still. The conversation was about an hour and a half. It was casual, and I chickened out and could not confront him. What can I say about the conversation itself? -He was courteous; He didn't sound annoyed or anything -I did most of the talking, I think. He would still talk but it felt like I was the one keeping the convo going -After a little while, he seemed like he wanted to go. He would say "What time is up? Wow, it's 12:00". I think he didn't know how to end the convo... -We ended the convo, and he said "It was nice hearing from you" and I said the same. I hate hearing "It was nice hearing from you"- it sounds so final..and I remember he said that 3 months ago.It wasn't a "I'll talk to you again soon", which sounds more promising I feel like I kinda got a sense that he just sees me as a friend, but I wish I asked him about the facebook picture. This is my plan: I won't contact him in any shape or form. I will give him one week to see if he contacts me at all. If not, I have my answer (just friends)..if he does contact, we'll see where it goes from there. Makes sense? Would love any thoughts into this. Should I just contact him now and ask him about it directly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 It is a good idea to make no contact with him, but I feel that you using his response as a "sign" - if he doesn't contact you within a week "you know his answer" but if he does, you will see how it goes. Its like someone saying "if they look back at me when they walk away - its meant to be." You are also over interpreting his words - even the end of his convo "nice talking to you" versus Talk to you later - which both might be pretty automatic, pat responses. It seems to me that his answer is very clear. He told you that you need to move on and that he's seeing someone new. I don't know what other answer you were looking for. He is going to contact you out of familiarity or convenience only. I think you should have taken it to heart, as harsh as it may sound. Continuing to talk to him is just prolonging your agony and your healing. Also, if there were ever a possibility of getting back together someday - he can't miss you because you didn't go away and instead of remembering you as a confident young woman an attractive thing, you are talking to him about random stuff wishing you could say more and he perhaps senses your lack of confidence and lack of directness. Please do what you can to heal. And "unfriend" him from Facebook. If he calls you again mad because you aren't talking to him - ignore him. If you feel you must respond (it is meaningful communication such as telling you a mutual friend died or something you really needed to know - don't respond immediately). You can ignore or block his FB messages too. But if he persists, tell him that you need to move on just like him. And leave it at that. I wanted to confront my ex so bad to "make him realize" how I feel, but it doesn't amount to anything. They already have their minds made up now its time to heal and move on to find someone who thinks you are great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fLuiD Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 You blew your chance! LOL! But we are human, no harm in it! How do you bounce back from this? Hhhhmmm.... Maybe indirectly through an email/text? Im sure he will respond since he has been responsive lately. A text would probably be best so you can get right to the point of things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Your comment was hard to read but it makes sense. I guess a part of me is just holding onto this hope, and is angry at him for posting a reminder of me on facebook. Can someone please explain this to me? I really feel like telling him to remove the picture because it just conjures up memories for me...I tried to confront him, but I couldn't. He told me to move on, but why is he holding onto past items such as the teddy bear? It doesn't make any sense to me at all! I feel like I don't have proper closure. He told me to do one thing, but he's doing another...if you know what I am saying. This girl he also mentioned he was seeing...he either is no longer seeing or they weren't seeing eachother in the first place. Everyone agrees he isn't seeing someone currently. He didn't sound like he was seeing someone either based on yesterdays convo..."School, work, got home and eat..that's it. Boring". Him contacting me and posting pictures as a reminder of me would also be pretty clear to me that he isn't seeing someone. I hope I didn't sound like I was harassing him all the time. We did not speak for about 2-3 months till he decided to contact me. I know I sound like I'm making alot of excuses, but I am trying to keep in mind what he has said in the past. I hope you can understand the frustration I am going through. I was finally learning to live without him, and then he all of a sudden contacts me and starts doing all these weird things...as if he wants to hear from me. I can't deny the fact that I dream about him realizing he still has feelings, and is hoping to get together again...but that's probably not realistic. I don't know what kind of relation I want with him, if any..friends is going to be hard, and I may continue to hold onto this hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uhohlala Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Your comment was hard to read but it makes sense. I guess a part of me is just holding onto this hope, and is angry at him for posting a reminder of me on facebook. Can someone please explain this to me? OK, how about this: you said that you gave him the bear at a time when he was angry with you. Perhaps the FB photo is his way of saying "peace" because he felt a bit bad about telling you you needed to move on. But that doesn't mean he wants to get back together with you. Doesn't mean he isn't happy with the new girl. Just means that he doesn't like to feel like a mean person. He wants to know that you harbor no ill will. I really feel like telling him to remove the picture because it just conjures up memories for me...I tried to confront him, but I couldn't. He told me to move on, but why is he holding onto past items such as the teddy bear? It doesn't make any sense to me at all! Instead of trying to suss out what's going on in his head, why not recognize what's going on in your head, and the effect it's having on your peace of mind? You're over-analyzing his every word, and ascribing significance to things that might well be completely insignificant to him -- or at least aren't indicative of wanting to get back together with you. I feel like I don't have proper closure. He told me to do one thing, but he's doing another...if you know what I am saying. Actually, it's quite possible that it's all very consistent in his mind: he moved on, you were having a hard time doing the same and at one point he lost patience with you and told you that you needed to move on. A chill descended between the two of you, and he felt bad about that even though he'd just been telling you the truth when he said you needed to move on. And in the meantime he kept on moving on. And after what seemed (to him) to be a reasonable amount of time, he extended an olive branch, thinking that surely by now you were over it. This girl he also mentioned he was seeing...he either is no longer seeing or they weren't seeing eachother in the first place. Everyone agrees he isn't seeing someone currently. He didn't sound like he was seeing someone either based on yesterdays convo..."School, work, got home and eat..that's it. Boring". Him contacting me and posting pictures as a reminder of me would also be pretty clear to me that he isn't seeing someone. This is all speculative. I know I sound like I'm making alot of excuses, Yes... but I am trying to keep in mind what he has said in the past. He hasn't said anything in the present that contradicts it, has he? I hope you can understand the frustration I am going through. Oh, I can! I've been where you are, trying to figure out what someone intends when their overt behavior/words seem too mundane to possibly be the whole story. I was finally learning to live without him, and then he all of a sudden contacts me and starts doing all these weird things...as if he wants to hear from me. Yeah, this sucks. Let's assume he's a decent guy with good intentions -- nevertheless he's not taking your reality into account. You're not helping him get it, of course, by feigning nonchalance. You adopt a breezy, unconcerned demeanor, and he thinks that all is well, that you're ready to just be friends. I can't deny the fact that I dream about him realizing he still has feelings, and is hoping to get together again...but that's probably not realistic. I don't know what kind of relation I want with him, if any..friends is going to be hard, and I may continue to hold onto this hope. Right: and so you need to either fess up and be straight with him -- so he knows that you're not okay with a casual friends thing and that his renewed contact is unnerving, or you need to cut him off again. If he wants to get pissy with you because you defriend him on Facebook, that's his problem. Just because he wants to have a friendship with you doesn't mean that you're obliged to contort yourself into a pretzel in order to accommodate his wishes. Bottom line: you're not ready to just be friends. He hasn't said or done anything that explicitly indicates a change of heart. So you won't gain anything from renewed contact with him. If you don't think you'll be able to muster the resolve to cut him off until you know for sure that he's not having second thoughts, then you'll have to directly ask him what's going on. It's not about what he ought to do or wants to do -- it's about what you need to do for your own peace of mind. He's not responsible for your peace of mind and overall well-being. You are. You know you're not ready to just be friends with him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying that. It won't make you look weak, it won't give him the upper hand. And it's the truth. So what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bri427 Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 hunny you sound ecaxtly like me when i went through this wit my ex lol. first of all...BREATHE life is so short to waste ure energy on someone who has already let you down, prolly more than once. there are much more ppl out there willing to put the effort you need and deserve. no sense in wasting your time trying to over analyze the situation..the truth is you prolly will never get all the answers you need in this situation. its sad cuz i kno u still care for him and juts want some final decions for ureself but in the end you need to be the adult and walk away. later on in life you will look back and realize it was foolish to put so much concentration on the guy when he obviously was not able to show you the same courtesy. its hard to love someone who dont love you back the right away. its best to walk away now knowing the good memories were worth it and it was nice while you had him. now allow someone else to come along and start soemthin new. best wishes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 About the bear: Sometimes when people give us things, they take on a life of their own. I got something from an old friend and I like it very much. But to me it I don't connect what happens to that item with the friend. it is part of my life now. He could have a picture of the bear because he was testing a camera and liked the way the photo came out or just likes the bear. Or maybe his friends tagged him and they were all supposed to choose photos of animals just like people had others post retro photos of themselves, etc. I wouldn't read into things that he posted it "just for you to see." It could mean something but it may mean absolutely nothing. You don't know - and it will just drive you nuts to speculate. If you don't know "what kind of friends you can be" you will not know unless you have done some healing and have him out of your life. People sometimes cannot really change roles if we are still holding onto the old one. And you may not want to be friends with him. "Friends" is not a downgrade of a relationship - its a different type of relationship. He is not your 'friend" as it stands. I agree, though, that you should heal and look at this as a new chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Thanks for all the great and sincere responses. I talked to my friends and family, and came to the conclusion that I ask him to rid of the picture. I sent him an email... "I gave teddy to you for certain reasons and I don't know why you decided to put it as your facebook picture. I would appreciate it if you could remove that picture from facebook. I hope you understand. Thanks. Best Wishes" He changed it, but did not respond to the email. I feel kinda relieved, wish I got some kind of reply..but I guess I'm content I was going to go for a long ass email about no contact...but my mother said that was too harsh and unnecessary..and that he should be able to figure it out by me telling him to rid of the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britomart Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 I think that message conveys the intention pretty clearly. ANother email might be belaboring the point. I know it's easy to speculate on exactly what any further contact from his part (god knows I'm guilty of that 24/7), but as dumpees we often think too much... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Share Posted April 8, 2010 I think that message conveys the intention pretty clearly. ANother email might be belaboring the point. I know it's easy to speculate on exactly what any further contact from his part (god knows I'm guilty of that 24/7), but as dumpees we often think too much... I don't intend on contacting him any longer. I feel like a huge weight was lifted after I sent the email. His picture was changed, and I have nothing to worry about. I doubt he would further any contact after this point. The email sent him a clear msg. I don't expect any contact from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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