Journal - losing the love of your life

[Sam-b]

Hey,

 

I've decided to write a journal about my break up. Fora number of reasons really, to help me cope and to gain advice as to what to do next.

 

Me and my ex were together for 4.5 years. We have a 2 year old son.

 

During our relationship we have had our ups and downs but neither of us as car as I am aware have cheated. Over the past 6 months we have grown apart and our sex life and general spending time together has dwindled.

 

I have go e through redundancy with my job and have struggled with some financial problems which have really got me down. I started to forget about me, my mood and looking after myself dropped and I ended up a shell of the former self.

 

This reflected on our relationship and we began to argue and not spend time as a family anymore.

 

3 weeks ago she said that she was not happy with the way things were going. I was gutted. She said that she didn't stop loving me and she did still care, I just wasn't the man she fell in love with.

 

I have been beside myself with grief. We are still coinhabiting due to money issues and we sleep in the same bed but do not talk, do not touch and have not spoken about the break up.

 

Initially as I was struck with grief I was phoning and texting her for days and she was getting noticably annoyed. I decided to go NC. Three days past and she started making general conversation with me. Which to be honest I could not take as she still mentioned breaking up.

 

NC for another 3 days. Just being around her hurt me because I couldn't hug her and tell her how much this relationship meAnt.

 

After another 3 days, I saw her applying tan in the bedroom, she was naked and I couldn't help myself. We had sex there and then.

 

After that she said that she did care for me and kissed being as a couple. I said that she was the one to breakup so she needs to make a decision and there is t anything that I could say to change that.

 

She said that she does care about me and that she wanted to talk things slow.

 

I do t understand thus really as the next day she is a closed book and won't talk I a civil way. I think that because I'd previosuly text and called shewas getting annoyed and just needed space?

 

Currently, we are still living together and I'm going hard on the NC. Just talking about our son and staying out of her way. We sleep in the same bed and are not intimate after the sex we had. She now says that she doesn't want me to be with anybody else, but misses the old me.

 

I did post this before but it was very general so I decided to post this journal to update daily.

 

I don't know how to approach her and tell her my feelings that I want us to stay together.

 

Why would she have sex with me if she doesn't want me? Is this all a game to her to keep me hangin?

 

I will update daily with movements. For now I'm heartbroken and I have to sleep next to her when all I want to do is be with her and be a family again.

 

Sam

[maddyfaye]

Your situation happens a lot. She is probably craving romance and the feeling of the honeymoon stage that has faded. This is why I don't plan to get married again or ever invest too much time into one person. When feelings change all logic, promises etc quickly get thrown out the window. These days people can be too selfish and don't want to fix things. People all too often rewrite your history to justify actions. Make sure you have your own life and friends and become the guy you were so that you have options and it is not all about her feelings and her decision.

[bungalo]

Do you know how many great Couples Books there are on the market?

Start with Keeping the Love you Find by Harville Hendricks...I don't get why people just throw in the towel without trying counseling or communicating!

[J1969]

Hey,

 

Me and my ex were together for 4.5 years. We have a 2 year old son.

During our relationship we have had our ups and downs but neither of us as far as I am aware have cheated. Over the past 6 months we have grown apart and our sex life and general spending time together has dwindled.

I have gone through redundancy with my job and have struggled with some financial problems which have really got me down. I started to forget about me, my mood and looking after myself dropped and I ended up a shell of the former self.

 

This reflected on our relationship and we began to argue and not spend time as a family anymore.

3 weeks ago she said that she was not happy with the way things were going. I was gutted. She said that she didn't stop loving me and she did still care, I just wasn't the man she fell in love with. "

 

 

Sam, wow, your story is almost identical to mine, save for a few fine details.

My common law wife / girlfriend were also together for 4 and a half years, have a 2 and a half yr old [plus 2 boys each from previous marriages]. In November she told me she wasn't happy, i was distraught, and was thinking of looking for an apt. but we agreed to get through December together, which we did and i went through great lengths to get out with her as a couple, which we did and had a great time, but as soon as the holidays were over in January she announced she had an apartment. Unfortunately, it was for March and she'd expected me to be ok with things and simply live together, waiting and then be friends. This is something i can't do,because i am still deeply in love with her and cannot find myself able to move on because i still see her incredibly attractive [even if she's left and tries to keep a distance. [Things came to a head and i felt she had to go sooner than March 1, which she did] . I've often thought too of keeping a log throughout this, and maybe i should because my first reaction was to drink myself stupid, which is till tend to do on nights i do not have any kids and have to come home to an empty house. I rarely sleep for more than a few hours at a time, and have little drive to get out and do anything. Everyone says things will change, i move on, etc... but at present [2 months down the road] i still feel as crappy as the day she left.

[AutumnBorn]

I suggest Al Turtle's blog. It's great. Start here:

 

link removed

[Sam-b]

Right , bit of an update.

 

I had decided to completely cut myself out of the picture and focus on me. I was having a friendly chat with a friend over my facebook profile, and just suggested that she should come for a few drinks with me for my mates Bday, just a friends but that was it.

 

Next morning I have my ex questioning me about who this woman is and whether I am meeting her, she said it bothered her very much and she started to cry saying that it was a shock that I was getting on with my life. I said that "what am I meant to do? Wait and watch until she finds someone else or get on with my life, I said I wasn't anybodies lap dog and was not willing to be played around like a rag doll. She started hugging me and was obviously a big shaken and said she wanted to talk about things. To be honest I'm going to be firm but fair. I would b more than happy to work things out but it has to be on equal terms and that she needs to show me that she loves me and not just because she is jealous of other girls who are already showing interest..

 

We had sex AGAIN, but no chat as yet. I'm just not mentioning the break up and just getting along together for now, the sex is a bonus and if it can help spark again then I'm game. I have noticed that the flirting and sexual tension between us has grown a lot... I don't understand this to be honest. Is this what starting to rekindle ur relationship is like, Im feing like i'm on the pull again, just with the same girl, it's weird but somewhat exciting in a way...

 

What do u guys think?

[mca1975]

I'm really sorry Sam-B, I know you are still in love with her, but I think she is just acting like this because she is jealous.

 

This is very common after a break-up. It's very easy to slide into. In fact, some years ago, I finished with an ex and because I craved the closeness of someone and became jealous, I started to sleep with him after every drunken night out I had. It turned into a complete disaster, and because of this, I hurt both of us even more. It was very hard to pull away from it, from the excitement, but it was also very very painful. Don't go there. I beg you. Call it quits now and really try to move on and have no contact.

 

I am sure this is what is happening with her.

[Sam-b]

Think this is getting far to hard to handle.

 

On Friday we ended up being in the house together for the night, we drank some Dissoronno together... We have sex again. I don't understand this at all.

 

Why would she have sex with me if she didn't care, she knows that I love her still and she is treating me like some sap.

 

I have got girls making moves in the right directions but this girl is the one I wanted. We have a family, so it's hard for me to even comtemplate being with another girl until she goes, I don't know why.

 

She forever says that she is jealous of anybody else trying their luck my way but she says she doesn't want me. I'm forever being questioned on who I've been with and why girls I am with even though SHE broke up with me. It's been four weeks of hell.

 

I think I just need to turn down the sex aspect because it's starting to get ugly and is hurting me even more.

 

I don't know what to do as it's hard going NC with somebody who is in the house with me...

 

I don't know what I'll do when she leaves...it's a nightmare come true..