Can't Get a Girlfriend Because of Fear of Rejection

[Schubatis1]

I can't get a girlfriend because I'm afraid she'll reject me. I'm not afraid of meeting women or asking for a date (that's the easy part); I'm afraid of letting them get to know me. I'm afraid that if a woman truly gets to know me, she won't like what she sees and she'll reject me. What can I do to get over this problem?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You just have to take that chance and open up to a girlfriend. I don't think you can get over it until you face it.

[MikNomis]

Well at least you can get dates. So if the date goes well, use that confident boost to get a 2nd and 3rd date, and so on. All you need to do is remember to not be needy, clingy, angry, or jealous. The rest, the part that attracts her to you, I assume you have if you can keep getting more dates with the girl.

[Schubatis1]

There's the problem. I can put on a facade to get the date, but I've never made it past the first date. I never truly interact with my date because I'm afraid that if I open myself up, she won't like what she sees. If even after the first date she still likes me, I sabotage myself so that it doesn't get anywhere and I don't have to face her rejection. I have no idea how to get over this though.

[Cognitive_Canine]

There's the problem. I can put on a facade to get the date, but I've never made it past the first date. I never truly interact with my date because I'm afraid that if I open myself up, she won't like what she sees. If even after the first date she still likes me, I sabotage myself so that it doesn't get anywhere and I don't have to face her rejection. I have no idea how to get over this though.

 

Do you like yourself?

[sidehop]

There's the problem. I can put on a facade to get the date, but I've never made it past the first date. I never truly interact with my date because I'm afraid that if I open myself up, she won't like what she sees. If even after the first date she still likes me, I sabotage myself so that it doesn't get anywhere and I don't have to face her rejection. I have no idea how to get over this though.

 

You may want to look into counseling if this is a chronic problem. Cognitive behavior therapy may help to understand your problems and avoid purposely sabotaging a date/relationship.

[Clarity]

Do you like yourself?

 

Great question. I was just going to ask this myself and I think the OP's answer is already known, based on what they've already said.

[quirky]

What are you afraid she may see and why do you think it's so bad? Everyone is messed up and insecure to some extend and love still happens. The girls you speak to most likely put on a facade too. Everyone is a bit scared because noone is perfect. But that's what's nice, the imperfections otherwise we'd all be identical robots.

[Schubatis1]

Objectively, I know that I'm a great person. I know that I'm nice and kind and funny. I know that I'm smart. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm fit. I know that I have a lot of great friends and family. I know that I'm doing well in school and am on a path to have a successful career. I'm no male model, but I know I'm attractive enough.

 

The problem is how I feel. Sometimes I feel great about myself. Other times I feel awful about myself; I feel like I can't compare to other people. I feel that I'm not nice and kind and funny. I feel like I'm dumb. I feel like I'm boring. I feel like I'm out-of-shape. I feel embarrassed by my friends and family. I feel like I'll never be as successful as my peers. I feel like I'm fat and ugly.

 

I feel like if a partner (or anyone for that matter) got to know me, she would find out that I am like what I feel I am (not like I actually am). Then she wouldn't like me.

 

I suppose I need to find a way to feel like what I am. Any suggestions?

[Green Mile]

I'm similar to you, I know that I'm attractive and have a great personality but I also have a huge amount of self-doubt and find it hard to to accept that somebody else would see that in me, coupled with being shy around girls I don't have much on my side!

 

One thing I have found works is remembering compliments and believing them. If somebody tells me I'm good looking or that I look like I've lost weight or I'm funny, I take it on board and really appreciate it. As a result in the last few years I've started believing things about myself that everybody else could see but I was denying because I never used to feel that way.

[misssmithviii]

Everyone has times when they don't feel so great. I feel the same way a lot - especially since I've actually had two serious boyfriends in my past tell me exactly what you're afraid of! They literally said to me "I fell out of love with you... you just weren't what I thought you were... etc etc" and it really hurt.

It got me in the same mindset as you - freaked out that once people got to know me they'd lose interest or just not care for me the same because I opened up too much about myself. What I learned pretty soon was that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And there's nothing wrong with you. Just because somebody may not like you after they get to know you doesn't mean you're fatally flawed, it just means they're not into you.

Instead of holding it against them, understand that it's not your fault and it's not your problem. You just keep being yourself, find someone along the way who enjoys you and every piece of you regardless.

 

Someone wise once told me to be easier on myself and love myself. Get yourself figured out first before even thinking about getting with someone else. The way I look at it is if you lean two trees on each other, just cut down one and both will fall - both must be planted and solid on their own in order to grow together. Food for thought

 

Try this, smile. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Shake off the thoughts and doubts in yourself and remember you'd enjoy life much more if you're spending it secure within yourself. It's not hard, it just takes commitment.

 

Stop worrying about a relationship right now, it sounds like you're not ready. At this point you'll be a leaning tree.