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My first love. (LONG)


Fudgie

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This will be the first time that I post this online for people to see it, but maybe this will benefit someone. I went through a lot of pain and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.

 

6 years ago, when I was 14, I was going through a very rough time in my life. There had been a screw-up with my antidepressants, and I got suicidal. While I was struggling to get over that episode, life just seemed bleak to me. I didn't have any close friends to turn to. I felt alone.

 

I met a man in a chatroom, when I was 14. We shall call him S. It was a "spiritual" chat room of some sorts, so no sex. I had my age hidden but I could see his (32) so 18 years my senior. He was also located in England. He seemed interesting enough so I got to IMing him. We immediately hit it off. He was very academic and sarcastic, polite, but he had a bit of "edge" about him. We liked the same subjects, and both read a ton. He told me a lot about himself, but I, always being cautious, wasn't open about my age.

 

The NIGHT after I met him, I had a dream. I dreamt it was the Rapture and I was going to die with everyone else. Suddenly, I sprouted wings and parts of the sky opened up toward heaven. I jumped up and began to fly upwards, but I felt someone grab me by the waist and say "No you're staying here with me." it was S. I was screaming and crying. I should have listened to that dream - you'll see why in a bit.

 

He said he assumed I was in my 20s or so (college age) but I said nothing. I didn't want him to leave. Over the course of a couple months, things were starting to get more romantic on IM, and I finally came clean about my age. He was blown away and couldn't believe it, and "cooled off" for a while. But still, I loved our talks. Things stayed romantic, but not sexual. But I wanted more...we ended up talking on the phone. It was perfect. I loved his voice. I pressured him for phone sex and the like (yes, I was the instigator here, not him) but he eventually gave in, so I tend to think of it as a wrong on both are parts.

 

The first time we made love on the phone, I was 14 still...I experienced my first orgasm and it felt incredible. For the first time in my life, I felt ALIVE. After it was over, I began crying and shaking with joy, the emotions were indescribable. I was hooked, he was like my drug. I couldn't get enough of him. My love for him was all consuming but innocent. I wanted to grow older with him and taken care of him. I felt like he had filled me with life and a greater desire to LEARN and be a better person. I was on Cloud 9.

 

I was learning Latin at the time (I read Latin poetry now) but the passion for it didn't "hit" me yet. S introduced it to me. He knew Latin quite well. We spent a long time talking about me and he taught it to me. He instilled a passion for learning in me that I may or may not have discovered on my own. He loved the sciences and was so smart...he even showed me photos with his certificate from MENSA and scanned in his old "proofs" from college that he was very proud of. He had a degree in A.I. and so all his work was in computers. I learned so much from him. He fascinated me. At the same time, he always took interest in me and always wanted to know what I was learning, or reading, what I found interesting. Philosophy was also a favourite and we spent HOURS just pontificating. Oh, what fun.

 

He had this odd ability...he could "read" people, almost to perfection, by looking at their faces. It amazed me. The first time he saw my pic (early on - he didn't know much about me) he could already guess that I was very close with my father, my depression, my desire to learn, and he instantly knew about a very rare traumatizing experience I had in child hood that I don't feel like telling here (not molestation, I have NO idea how he knew.) He also told me that when I was 17, my father would become very ill and nearly die. I thought it was a sick joke. But I would soon find out that it wasn't.

He never talked much about his "ability". He just said that he "dabbled" in magic, but he didn't like to talk about it for some reason. He said it was nothing to brag about.

 

But to every rose, there is a thorn. S was not perfect, as I am not (no one is) but he had demons. Like me, he struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, well, in his past he had them. He fantasized a lot about killing himself. When I saw his pictures, it became more apparent. I had friends who were cutters and I knew what the "down the road" scars looked like. I could see that he had them on the ventral side of his forearms, of different lengths and thickness. He said most of that was from his teen years...he had a history of trying to commit suicide. I asked why he hadn't succeeded. He told me it was easy to kill yourself with a gun, but he didn't want to go "easily"...he wanted to go slowly and painfully. He said he "deserved" it. He lived with his mother and could never get enough time alone to die in the painful that he wanted.

 

He was required to go to therapy...which I thought was weird, but oh well. He knew how to work the system, so he could get out fast and not have to spend any more time in the hospital. I could tell he had playing that system for a long time. It bothered me. I told him I wanted him to be OPEN and honest with them, so they could help. He said they wouldn't understand.

 

He had a long history of familial abuse and the like. I know I was only 14 but even then, I had a good sense of "reading" people. He had this deep self-hatred that I have never seen in anyone since. At the same token, I thought that the hate may could have extended to other people, but I wasn't sure. But his soul was so twisted, that's the only way I could put it. There was this deep inner pathology and it poisoned him.

 

I may have a callous exterior at times, but deep down, I am too damn nice. I felt compassionate for him and I loved him dearly, and wanted to help him. I wanted to save him. I thought my love for him could save him and heal him...love cures all right? No. That was the most difficult lesson I ended up learning.

 

We were together in secret for several months. I turned 15, and he turned 33 a few days before my birthday. We talked and chatted everyday, like clockwork. No naughty pictures were exchanged. We were occasionally sexual but mostly just romantic. Even as time went on, our conversations were mostly about academic subjects, research, and just taking delight in each other. I loved him with all my heart, like a child really. It was so innocent. He knew everything about me, I shared everything. He was open with me about everything in his life, I know, I did a background check early on and it was clean. One time (I was kidding) I asked to see his passport and he scanned it in for me! He didn't want to know my passwords but he wanted me to know his, so he gave me his email password. I rarely went in though.

 

He was planning to come here when I turned 17 or 18, and then we could be together. He didn't have much, but he had some money saved up

 

But all good things must come to an end. It was getting difficult to hide the phone bills, all those damn pieces of paper...LOL. Calls to the UK are expensive. My mother confronted me. I was literally trapped. I had no choice but to tell her the truth and she FREAKED out. It wasn't so much the age gap, but that I was underage. This brought back memories for her because she was raped by an older man when she was 15. She told me he could come and kill me. I freaked out and began sleeping with a knife under my pillow.

 

I secretly called S and told him what happened. I told him to get the hell out of there for a while so I could fend them off for a while. I wasn't going to let him go to jail. He was crying and said he didn't want to lose me. I promised him that he wouldn't, and to please wait for me. I'd always love him, I said.

 

In the meantime, the FBI got involved...yes, my mom called them. I'm from a prominent family PLUS the fact that she was really upset probably made the situation worse. I had to go in for an "interview". By that time, I already went in and destroyed many emails before my mom could see them and locked all the info/evidence (like perhaps some sexual content in chat logs) away in a thumb drive. I didn't talk. I just cried and said I didn't know anything and no, nothing sexual happened and boy was I scared! But I wasn't going to let S get in trouble for what happened, I felt like we BOTH played a part in it. Yeah, I was the minor, but I knew full well what I was doing, and the legal consequences. We both did.

 

Well, a couple weeks later, S's mom contacts my mom via phone. I was banned from the computer for months, so I couldn't talk to S. S's mom was pissed off...she thought I was a little * * * * * and now because I was, S was in the hospital. He OD'd on a bunch of narcotics and had to have his stomach pumped but he still got a fatal dose. It was Valentine's Day then. I freaked out and I couldn't stop crying. I tried to contact her to see what was wrong but she said "YOU STAY AWAY" so I did. I thought he had died. For over a year, I fell into a depression. I felt like it was all my fault.

 

I lost friends over S. People saw that I was depressed but no one understood why. If I told a friend, they got weirded out and left me alone for good. I felt so isolated and awful. It was like old times again! But I learned a lesson...before, I saw the world in black/white. But now, it wasn't that way. Here was something that everyone told me was WRONG: the love that S and I had. I didn't want to think it was WRONG, I felt it was right...but yet, not totally. It was grey. For the first time in my life, I realized that the world is made up of greys, not black/white. For the time, I saw ambiguity. I will always remember that.

 

Over the next 4 years, I would hear from S here and there. It was always brief. I got the idea that his computer use was somehow being restricted, and it was...hospital visits, his mother, etc.

 

I still continued to mail him stuff. He never could send me stuff because my parents would see, but I would mail him stuff. He asked for a lock of my hair, so I chopped one off and sent it, tied with a piece of old satin.

 

He told me he was upset that I hadn't died too. He said that he had hoped that I would be so saddened by his OD that I would commit suicide too, and then we "could be together". I was shaken. I told him no....yes, living without him was awful, but this is life...I can't leave it now, it's not my time. He didn't seem to understand. I made him promise he wouldn't do it again.

 

That's when things got weird. I'd hear from him like once every 6 months, or less. We would secretly talk over Skype too once in a while. He seemed not well. His email wasn't showing much of any activity, and I couldn't find him anywhere. And that's when I saw it...

 

It first started with a link removed registration. I was beyond hurt. And then I saw that he was looking at child p. sites. I was beyond DISGUSTED. bUt I still loved him. I wanted to help him...I felt like this wasn't the "real" him, but what was the "real" him. I also got weird emails that told me that S was a pedophile and a murderer, but when I traced the IPs, it went back to him.

 

Weird things happened. Sure enough, my father became very ill when I was 16-17ish. He got an illness from a patient and was sick for a couple years, really, really badly. I worried so much. He almost died a couple of times...S was right.

 

I started to have terrible nightmares that wouldn't go away. I dreamt about him nearly every night for years, without fail. I tried to seek therapy, but everyone just said "forget him" but how could I?

 

By 18, I had enough. I was tired of waiting. I had continued Latin...to this day, when I hear some certain Latin, I think of S. Well, I finished the AP test, with a 5 no less! I wanted him to see it, to be happy for me, to be proud of me. But he was no longer here and I couldn't count on him anymore. My heart was no longer on fire for him, but was just full of sadness.

 

From the ages of 14-18, I was in agony over this man...just waiting, watching, and waiting. I felt time going by and it was just hurting too much. I didn't want to move on, but I knew I had to. I knew that deep down, I'd always love him.

 

I thought, why wouldn't he contact me more? I promised him everything in the world, I'd love him, take care of him...even if he got all fat and his hair fell out (he was not terribly handsome to begin with) but I would always be by his side. Make his meals, make the money, hold him when he was sick/sad, and just be reliable. And he'd do the same for me. Why did he turn that away? I don't know.

 

That's when I realized: No matter how much I loved this man, he wouldn't get better. He was sick...no amount of my love could cure that. By hanging on, he was dragging me down...my dream had come true. It was a painful lesson.

 

The last time I heard from him was this fall. He emailed me out of the blue. I told him I was happy for the first time in my life (true) and I was doing well (also true). I was beginning to find myself through the smoke and coming out of the fog. I was becoming who I was MEANT to be.

He told me he sensed I was moving on. I said I was...not because I wanted to, but because I had to (partly true). I told him that I would always love him (true, too). I didn't mention the lies...I just wanted it to end well. He sent a beautiful good-bye email in response to mine and that's how it ended. Our Goodbye. It felt right. Even then, I cried when I wrote it, but I knew I had to. I forced myself.

 

I don't regret S...I don't regret loving him and having him be my first love. I know it all sounds really f'ed up and I'm not denying that. As * * * * ens said "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." He made me feel the best I have ever felt, but he also ruined my life at that time afterward. I can't help that he was my first love and there will always be a small part of my heart that is put aside just for him. But now I am with someone else, someone better, who treats me well and I love him now. I have no regrets to return to the past.

 

He was not perfect...he had demons, and a twisted mind, his deeds, his irrational emotions, etc. His own pathology couldn't be solved by me, if it could be solved at all. I knew that he would just end up hurting me if I stayed. What a shame....what wasted potential! But it is not up to me to worry about that. I need to worry about myself now, and my boyfriend.

 

I am happy now, thanks to myself, my experiences and to some extent, HIM. He showed me what it's like to love unconditionally, to love to learn, to open yourself to someone, to not be afraid...he opened me up to the world of psychiatry, which I am now studying. I also study Classical languages. Once in a while, I'll read a little Cicero and I remember him and his voice. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy now too, but somehow, I doubt that.

 

Through all the pain, it was worth it. I am the person I am because of what I went through with him. Truly invaluable stuff. So to S, I thank you, and Goodbye.

 

That's my story. Thank you.

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Thanks for sharing your story. It was a very interesting read. I am glad you are in a better place now and can look back on this without regrets. I'm glad you realized you cannot fix people with your love. Some people take longer to figure this out.

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I'm glad you found it interesting.

 

I've seen what happens when people think that their love and "fix" someone and it doesn't always end well. I'm hoping someone will see my story and they can realize sooner than I did so they don't have to learn the hard way.

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Life stories don't normally catch me because they tend to be very much all played on the same string in this place, but yours was interesting.

 

I was expecting a more dramatic conclusion of course because if life were a movie I'm sure things would have gone down differently, but all I can say is I'm glad that his problems and issues never caused you any serious damage, and that the time you had with him seems to have built on your character rather than scarred you. Some people who get involved in 'difficult' relationships, especially online, aren't so lucky.

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Yeah I'm glad I'm ok too. It could have ended a lot worse!

 

All I can say (and it's weird) but I'm GLAD this happened when I was a minor with no money. I had no means or way to see the man and thus I never did. What would have happened if I met him? I don't know, honestly.

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Hi Fudgie,

 

Thank you very kindly for sharing such an intense and personal experience, even with a band of strangers who won't know who you are. It can't have been easy to write all that up, even with how positive you've ended up feeling about it. I am awed by the sense of composure and compassion you have conveyed in telling your story.

 

As hard as it was, it sounds like you learned a lot from your experience, and by great good fortune came away from it with minimal damage to you and your life. Even so I feel I must gently recommend finding a trustable counselor (it may take going through a few to get to one who won't dismiss this because of your age) to talk with about it, as you've been saddled with some pretty heavy stuff that may leave unnoticed marks.

 

Again, thanks for taking a chance on a room full of strangers. I appreciated your story and hope that you find even more peace, compassion, and joy in your future.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

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Hi SongCoyote

 

Thanks for your kind words. You're right, it wasn't easy writing it up. It's something that I have been wanting to share for a while. However, I think the anonymous nature of the forum/internet in general makes it easier to share. Most people in my life do not know what happened, and I think I am more afraid to tell them. But I wanted someone to hear it, so maybe they could learn from it.

 

If I can find a good counselor to talk to about this, then I will. My mom kind of shoved me off to someone after she found out, but that therapist wasn't helpful. Nor was the next one. I am seeing someone now (for free, through my school) but that's for a couple other issues (some stuff going on at home, etc.). I have talked briefly about S to her and while she was nice, I did think she dismissed it a bit. I can't blame her though because so many others have.

 

Maybe in the future I can talk to someone, perhaps when I am out of college? It seems like no one takes you seriously here. We shall see.

 

Thanks again. I wish you all the best in your future as well!

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