Sam-b Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Hi, * Im new to the forum so id firstly like to say Hi, * My name is Sam, 24 years old and from the Uk. * I have recently split with my partner of 4 years and im really heartbroken about the whole situation because I really do love her very much, as a person and as the mother of our child.. * I will give you a brief rundown of events… * We got together 4 and a half years ago, our relationship to start was a dream, we laughed, we smiled and we generally enjoyed every last minute of each others company… * We decided to move in after a year and we had a son after 2 and a half… * Over the past few months I have noticed that she was becoming distant and our sex life disappeared. She was going to bed very early and not really spending any time with me after our son had gone to bed. My first thought is that she is seeing somebody else, I asked her and she said that she wouldn’t do something like that and that she was very tired due to work and our sons behaiviour as he is a handful… * 3 weeks ago she dropped the bombshell that she was not happy with the way things are going and she needs time and that she wanted to split up. We are still living together as neither of us have the funds to go anywhere else just yet and my family are 250 miles away from were I live. Her family are local to the area but she will not leave to go and stay with one of them….which to be honest Im happy because it gives me time to possibly try to win her back and make her happy as she used to be…?? * Firstly I started hounding her with texts and calls and she was generally getting hacked off with it, but I couldn’t help it in desperation of losing the love of my life and mother of my child, and most importantly my family. * After around 6 days, I decided to just leave her be and stay out of her way (upstairs out of the way when she was at home) after about two days she seemed to be attempting to make conversation with me, not regarding our son, but just on a level we were both happy with… We flirted a little and hugged but not kissed eachother. Which made me so happy,…… * This got my hopes up big time and the day after when she said that “when she finds a house” my heart sank, I was back to square on and not knowing were I stand. * Over a course of about 12 months I have dropped about 3 stones in weight and have generally been glum about my employment status and financial situation, so I know I have changed for the worse. * 5 days ago, I decided that I was going to get out of the house and go for a few drinks with friends, which she also did. After getting a shower, I walked in to the bedroom to get some clothes and she was standing there completely naked adding tan to her body. The male inside of me pounced and she didn’t jerk, we had sex right there and then. After that she said to me that she missed the old me, she still cared and missed how we used to be…. Replying to that was hard for me…I said “but you were the one who decided to end this, why do you still want to split up if you still care and miss me. And she said that she didn’t know” In theory is should have realised that she said she missed the “old me”. L * After that night, she has been a closed book, she wont speak to me civil around the house when we are both there, she said that she didn’t mean to say it either but she does care about me… * She viewed a house last night and is possibly moving in 3-4 weeks…..how can I persuade her to stay?? * If she does love me and is still accepting sex, does this mean she is still contemplating staying??? * I have over the past few days been the best man I can, I have looked after myself physically (which I must admit had gone down the pan due to stress), I have made sure our son is ready for nursery every morning and I have been the nest I can be for her….i just want her to see the me that is inside and not the glum fool on the outside…. * Am I fighting a lost cause or is there still a chance to save what I love the most….I know she loves me still, but is that enough to stay * Thanks guys, hope to speak soon * Sam * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Has she said anything specific about why she's leaving? Everything here is very general. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AutumnBorn Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Sam, trying to convince her to stay will only make her want to leave all the more. In fact, you have to help her leave. She doesn't feel safe in the relationship. Fleeing is a response to a threat. Google Al Turtle. He's a Imago therapist with some excellent articles on making relationships work. They are unlike anything I've read before, and I wish I'd seen them before my marriage ended. These articles could seriously help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomad0792 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Sam-b I agree...you should definitely support her. Don't fight it, but make it clear that this isn't what you want. These will be some hard times for you my friend, but begging and pleading will not help your cause. Your conviction will need to be stronger than ever. She will attempt to keep you on a string as her training wheels, so be careful how much you give to her. If she wants to be on her own...well, then give it to her. Don't be her crutch. It'll only hurt you more in the long run. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinziGirl Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 What i am thinking is: She misses the old you. Why was it that she thinks you have changed? Maybe you could ask her about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam-b Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 Thanx 4 the replies, I'm on my iPhone so sorry for any shorthand text. She says that I am not the fun loving care free bloke she met, I don't understand that because it been four years, we have bills and responsibilities now and it seems that she just wants to get drunk with her friends, did she not know that having a child and a house would bring added responsibility?? I kno that hounding her was the wrong thing to do, i've stopped this now and keep out of her way... It's just so hard having to sleep next to her when all she wants to do is be away from me.... Any time I talk to her she just generally ignores it and acts like I've said something wrong... But why would she have sex with me? I'm so lost, so many people have said that I should just leave her to it but the thought of her being with another fella makes me feel like crap... I just want it to be how it used to be but if I try to be the person I once was, how can it help if she is a closed book?? Thanks guys, I'm trying my best to keep it together but all I want to do is sleep like a sap.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomad0792 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Funny thing about how she reacts to when you say things and acts like you've said something wrong. That's how they begin to distance themselves. In order to be your old self, you will have to start focusing on you...be selfish. It sucks, but she's not giving you any respect and the only way to get that back is to focus on yourself. You should still be respectful 'tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam-b Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 What I don't get is why would she have sex with me if she didn't still care? Is this her trying to keep me wrapped? She said that she doesn't want me to be with anybody else but doesn't want me anymore... I know she is trying to distance herself from me but why does she feel the need to act as if she hates me? Wenever we try to talk, it just becomes a blame game and that SHE isn't happy with me. I'm just hurting at the fact that she may be looking for someone else. That will break my heart so bad... It's hard to think about me when all I can think about is what's happened... Is she playing games??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinziGirl Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Having bills to pay & a child to raise do bring some fun out of your life. This is what we call maturing. If she just wants to be happy & carefree, then she should have never had a child. Paying bills is 1 thing.. That is a part of life but a child is not something in which you can throw away when you don't like to have it anymore. It seems that she has a problem of not being able to handle the added responsibility then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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