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Still feel guilty about having pushed her...


Seymore

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I am a laid-back person, and it takes a lot for me to get angry to the point where I’m violent. I mean a LOT. If I yell and am firing off expletives, I make sure I’m alone when I do it. I don’t throw or kick things, either. I think I punched the wall once, over 10 years ago, when I got the news that a close friend passed away. That was it.

 

My ex was not a good person to me. I know it, my friends and family know it, and a lot of people here know it. Many referred to her as having been the definition of emotional abuse, but that doesn’t make what I did any more right.

 

About 2-3 weeks before I left her, she copped a really snot attitude, which had been happening more and more often. I had my arm around her, and she was accusing me of feeling a way I wasn’t feeling. I said, in a totally normal tone, that I wasn’t feeling the way she claimed I was, and she took my arm and flung it off of her like whatever. I hit my breaking point, and as she got up, I pushed her from behind. Not hard enough to where she stumbled or fell or was bruised, but I had never laid hands on a woman before that. She responded by throwing a bottle of lotion I had just given her a massage with at me.

 

This happened over a year ago, but I still regret it. I had apologized to her immediately and profusely, so there would be nothing more for me to say to her, but still inside I feel bad that it happened. When I had spoken to family and friends about how I’d felt, they wrote it off as a one-off thing that is so far from typical of me - every single one of them was more focused on how she had been acting all along.

 

Today I read the thread on this same board saying “It happened once, it’ll happen again” and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m some sort of monster, despite knowing it’s not like me and others saying so. I know after I left her, she probably went telling all of her friends what I had done and they all probably hate me. Even though it's really none of my concern, that's something I have to live with, but I feel bad about it inside as well.

 

What would you think?

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We all have our limits and a part of living and growing is knowing our limits and how far to go. Every human has the potential to really hurt another person. It's our feelings, emotions, morals and values that stop us. Look really hard at all that you believe and I think that you will find that she tested your limits. And you barely passed. But you did pass. You didnt slam her head into the wall, you had the will power to hold back. You know what you did wasnt right. So, learn from it, let go of the guilt and shame and move on. In the future, if you feel like you did then, you need to just walk away. Knowing your limits is a good thing.

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I think you show a very good awareness of the event which tells me you are not likely some sort of chronic violent person. Just always be aware of what your breaking point is and make sure you understand the steps you can take to diffuse it before you ever reach that point again. If you understand the techniques (disengagement, meditation, avoidance, etc) then you should be fine.

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I feel I have a grip on controlling myself - friends of mine had told me that were they in my situation and had to deal with her crap as long as I did, they would have knocked her head in and wouldn't be surprised if she pulled that act with a future guy and wound up in a ditch.

 

I had always stayed calm despite what she dished out and how she dished it out. She would accost me if I tried to leave the room during many arguments. It was almost as if I'd blacked out or like it was a reflex, what I did.

 

What I plan to do in the future is deal with my emotions by speaking up and not being afraid to talk. All that pent up emotion from having to bite my tongue manifested itself in a bad way, so that's what I need to work on the next time around.

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I think you show a very good awareness of the event which tells me you are not likely some sort of chronic violent person. Just always be aware of what your breaking point is and make sure you understand the steps you can take to diffuse it before you ever reach that point again. If you understand the techniques (disengagement, meditation, avoidance, etc) then you should be fine.

 

I agree with this.

 

If I go by strict labels..oh my..once my ex put a pillow over my head to shut me up from crying because he didn't know what to do. And I jumped on him twice because he was making me livid. Once he screamed at me so much (he was usually very calm) it freaked me out, I was for the first time afraid and he felt like he's a monster. But I didn't think that..Some relationships can be unhealthy. I truly felt he brought out the worst in me, I was shocked at my behaviour.

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