I think this is going to be very difficult... so depressed today, sad, angry and hurt

[Seraphim]

um,sorry. Try and feel better.

[mca1975]

I know I sound like a mentalist right now, lol

[Applewhite]

Well it's not very. he asked me to get a spare bed for the spare bedroom, so I can sleep in there. He is currently sleeping on the sofa, but he wouldnt have me sleeping on the sofa, BECAUSE HE PAID FOR THAT SOFA!

 

Hope you can see how his statement annoyed me.

 

Whenever we argue about money, where its him running out or hasnt got any and has to borrow off me, then I have to keep asking him for it back which makes me feel mean, he then tells me that HE BOUGHT THE SOFA. Had enough

 

I can totally see your point in this, so please don't take my response as I don't. I agree that sharing is an issue. But I don't think it is just HIS issue.

 

I mean if he can't have any of the soda that YOU bought, then you shouldn't be able to sleep on the sofa HE bought. Right? Am I missing something?

[mca1975]

Im sure you agree Hike that if someone is not willing to share with you, then you wont share with them right? This is what has happened.

 

We have spoken again tonight. he is promising me he will change, but its such a tall order, but I just think in my heart of hearts that my heart is not into this anymore and I dont think I want to try anymore. He has hurt me so much and too much has happened. Its all very messy and I have no energy to wait around for him to change, because I dont think he will, I think he is just not for me.

 

I had a moment earlier when I felt like changing my mind! I felt terrible and torn. But I know inside that I want out!! God I absolutely hate this, this is so very hard! I dont want to hurt him like this, I keep thinking about how hurt he is and how lonely he will be without me

[Applewhite]

From here it sounds like you didn't give him the coke and therefore he didn't want to give you the soda. So what you said is right, if you don't share others wont want to either.

 

I also remember from your previous threads that you felt bad sharing your things (like food for example). Are you sure that you are being objective when you say he is selfish and you are very giving?

 

Have you ever just made him tea? (this was an example you gave, so I am using it).

[mca1975]

From here it sounds like you didn't give him the coke and therefore he didn't want to give you the soda. So what you said is right, if you don't share others wont want to either.

 

I also remember from your previous threads that you felt bad sharing your things (like food for example). Are you sure that you are being objective when you say he is selfish and you are very giving?

 

Have you ever just made him tea? (this was an example you gave, so I am using it).

 

It wasnt soda, it was the Sofa (to sleep on). I did give him the coke yes, of course.

 

No Ive not made him tea, as he doesnt drink it.

 

Well everyone that knows me says that I am giving. And my mum and all my friends all say that they would tell me if I was in the wrong, but they think and agree that he has treated me very badly...

 

I don't hate him, we just cannot form a sharing relationship with each other for some reason. We have tried til we are blue in the face.

[Applewhite]

Ok forget about making him tea. Did you every (out of the blue) bring him the beverage of his choice? (Please realize that this is what you expect of him, and are unsatisfied because he doesn't do this. You've stated this before).

 

As for YOUR mother and YOUR friends, of course they are going to take your side, this is expected. Especially because they are aware of each of your actions only to the extent you expose it to them. And clearly you think you are giving and he is selfish, and therefore not surprisingly so do they.

 

I guess what I am saying is as selfish as he may be, you have similar tendencies to him. So just as you do not want to share because he doesn't, the opposite might very well be true too, i.e. he doesn't like sharing because he realizes you don't either. Just like that night you weren't happy about paying for his drink.

[mca1975]

You dont understand. Of course, I have brought him a drink before out of the blue. I have bought food for us before, lots of times, because we were a couple, but when he went to get food, he wanted money from me. There have been many incidences like this.

 

I know what you are saying in that my friends and family will stick up for me, but BELIEVE ME I have been VERY forthcoming in my failures and faults. I am very willing to say I'm wrong just to make things nice. My mum WOULD tell me if I was wrong. I tell her everything, even what I do and how I react to things. I have told her about an argument recently and she told me that I was in the wrong and I corrected it.

[uncomfynumb]

If you are in this much turmoil that you have to post all of this and hash it out, then perhaps you and your BF need to seek couples counseling because you see to be trying to convince yourself more than anything here.

 

Perhaps this will help you in the future:

 

Look at a man and his parts and look at a woman and hers. Man is the giver and woman is the receiver in all ways and forms. It is biological in basis. When you take the role of the man, the giver, you end up feeling much like you do now, resentful. You try to control and fix the situation by giving more all the while you take from him the desire to give to you because you took over that role. A man will not even realize what is happening here, all he will know is that he feels a little emasculated and not so good about himself.

 

Women empower men with graciousness, kindness, respect and appreciation. I bet if you were to focus on the little things that he does instead of the things he doesn't do and thank him each time with sincerity, that you would find a man willing to please you and make you happy.

[mca1975]

That's a good post. I see what you are saying, but the problem here is not with me not being appreciative of things he has done for me. I always say please and thank you.

[Applewhite]

So what exactly have your faults been in this relationship?

[mca1975]

I was very defensive at first and I found it hard to adjust to living with someone again. I can't think of anything else really

[Applewhite]

I was very defensive at first and I found it hard to adjust to living with someone again. I can't think of anything else really

 

You found it hard in terms of adjusting how? In terms of sharing things? What were you defensive about?

[uncomfynumb]

You know, I hate it that our people have become so "all about me" and relationships so disposable. I'm not talking about you mca1975 but just in general.

 

I'm guessing you are 35 and with children? Have you stopped to consider what you do and how you handle a relationship affects them? What do they learn?

 

You said you were defensive at first because you hadn't lived with someone in a long time. But that was your only contribution to the demise of the relationship? Well you did choose to move in with this man, perhaps too soon, could that have been another mistake?

 

I personally believe that you move in together AFTER you have established that you are both in for the long haul, not to get to know each other better so you can decide if you are right for each other. Either way, living with some that you uncertain about creates a very stressful situation for both parties. I don't think either of you were ready for that.

 

As for your defensiveness, there are few people that can face that emotion from someone without getting defensive themselves. Often times the emotions that we experience and the emotions that we get are a reaction to what we have given.

 

So anyway, where did that nice, wonderful man go, that man brought you to a point that you were willing to risk so much to live together? Did he ever exist?

 

I know that you are frustrated and hurting and looking for support more than anything but I fear that if you walk away from this relationship like this, with this attitude that it is mostly his fault, that you will walk away empty handed and will have learned nothing and that is sad.

[Seraphim]

No, she just lost a baby, so she has to deal with that too.

[uncomfynumb]

Well I am sorry to hear that, I really am. I have been there and done that myself so I know how it feels.

[Brenda222]

Your situation sounds like mine. He cared only for himself. He was not tight with his money but he was there for everyone but me. We lived together, when we would make plans to go out if someone called him and needed him to take them somewhere or do something for them he would cancel our date.

 

I would suggest talking to him to but if he doenst want to talk its hard to leave when you love someone. Mine made it so unberable I couldnt stay, the silent treatment for 6 months living in the same home, he still gives me the silent treatment.

 

I know its hard but what you will be doing if you stay is the same thing I did for those years, putting him first, putting his feeling before mine, what he likes, what he wants, he doesnt put your feelings first and he thinks of himself, realize like I did, you are not a couple, he is selfish and will not change and as long as mommy is there he will not change. Mommas boys do not change.

[uncomfynumb]

I want to say that when I lost my child, I went into counseling. I was told not to make any major decisons concerning my life during that time because of all the emotions that I was experiencing. Of course I ignored that advice completely and made two major decisions that if I had waited, I might not have made and would have most likely changed the course of my life forever.

 

Again, I am very sorry for your loss. I missed that when readin through your posts.

 

(((hugs)))

[mca1975]

Its ok, you didnt know. He is just a horrible person. We moved in together too quickly and I have only just realised it. He causes me stress and bickers all the time because he is always right, he is very selfish and lazy. Yes I found it hard to adjust and was defensive, but I got over that. He caused me so much stress when I found out I was pregnant, he was horrible, said he was pleased but then having a go at me because I was not cleaning up the house enough. I had to leave and go and stay with my mum because he was causing me so much distress with his demanding ways and demeanour (if thats the right word). It wasnt a reason for losing the baby, but I cant ever forgive him for being horrible to me at that time. When I lost the baby, he was lovely to me, for about three weeks, and then it went back to all being about him. I am deathly pale and so stressed, but he is ok. He still doesnt care about how I am, he just cares that he is going to be left now. He said to me last night that he is sorry about everything but he has "had a really hard time recently" - I've just had the miscarriage, I know he was upset, but it's ALWAYS about how he feels.

 

It's lots of things, we went our recently for a meal and he kept blowing the candle out on the table and laughing which was very irritating. I said to stop being silly, but he carried on doing it twice more. He is so childish. I dont want to be with him, and I have coped really well over the miscarriage as I'm strong, so I am not going to accept that I can't make this decision right now. He even told me last night that his ex (the other great love of his life, apart from me), told him the exact same things as I am saying all those years ago and he has still not learnt until its too late. I think its just because that is who he is, he cannot change.

 

Anyway, onwards and upwards today! Im going back to work. I fed up of putting him first all the time, I want to be happy again! love you all x

[mca1975]

and PS. I have learnt many things from this and will take it away with me. To trust my own instincts more and listen to what I really want, that I want to be a mother, that I will be a good mother, that I CAN live with someone again - and that I can have a normal relationship. It's him who can't.