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I think this is going to be very difficult... so depressed today, sad, angry and hurt


mca1975

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I think this is going to be very hard. It is the beginning of the end. I know this because I can feel myself half out of the relationship already, not like the other times we have fallen out.

 

I just feel so rubbish today, I cannot take it. I am at work trying my hardest to concentrate. I have to rant.

 

I feel so sad that it is coming to an end, because I have invested so much time and energy into this man and our reletionship. I gave the rights up to my flat that I had for him, and now I can't get it back. I don't know where I will live. I know I will be ok though as I have lots family and friends and I have about £600 saved up.

 

He is making no effort to even discuss things. All he is doing is feeling sorry for himself as if he is the poor done by one. Im not looking to be the victim here, but basically I have to leave him because I am very unhappy, he does not have a life outside me and its weighing me down so heavy. He is extremely hard work. Very fussy, annoying, childish, very tight with money and doesnt want to share, he just wants to be waited on by his girlfriend and we argue about housework. He likes to buy himself expensive things. I bought him an easter egg this weekend and a huge bar of chocolate and he said thank you and just scoffed it. I didnt get anything. I feel like he is slowly, but even unknowingly, turning me into his mother. I have started to change what I do naturally to please him because he is so highly strung about things being done right. I absolutely cannot take it anymore, but at the same time I feel so sad at losing him, at facing single life again, about how I will miss him (because he is not all bad). We have been trying over and over, but it is getting worse. I am not getting any joy out of this anymore and I don't feel loved by him, even though he claims to love me so much, but it has changed me also, I'm moody and depressed and lazy, have no energy in me anymore, because he just sucks it out of me. I cannot stand being around his mother, because she is exactly the same, so he has learnt from the best.

 

So scared about facing this break-up....... we aren't even speaking in the house at the moment though I did sit in the front room with him last night, but he just asked me what I had been doing and then moaned about how rubbish his night away at an event was. It's always about him and how he feels.

 

If I turn to him and say I am unhappy because he does this or that, and tell him how it makes me feel, he just argues it and dismisses it and I never thought he would be like that to me! God I am so angry!!!! I have just lost our baby aswell, five weeks ago, and all he cares about is himself right now!!!

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and I don't feel loved by him, even though he claims to love me so much

 

Love is definitely in the actions. So no matter what's coming out of his mouth, if there's no action of love, then there's no love. Try to keep that in mind as you make your final decision.

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You were single before you met him and did okay, and you will do okay again. The ending is hard because it is the end of your hopes and dreams..you hoped this was it, that you finally met someone you can have a future with. So now you have to come to terms with the fact that this dream will never be with him. I have known people like him and they never grow up...they have a grand sense of entitlement and you will always be doing for them without getting anything back. That is not a partnership. If you stay with him you will basically be with a dependent rather than a partner. It will just take time for you to get used to the idea that you have to modify your dreams.

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You were single before you met him and did okay, and you will do okay again. The ending is hard because it is the end of your hopes and dreams..you hoped this was it, that you finally met someone you can have a future with. So now you have to come to terms with the fact that this dream will never be with him. I have known people like him and they never grow up...they have a grand sense of entitlement and you will always be doing for them without getting anything back. That is not a partnership. If you stay with him you will basically be with a dependent rather than a partner. It will just take time for you to get used to the idea that you have to modify your dreams.

 

Thank you for that post. The penny has just dropped and I can see that he will never change. We have exchanged some texts today and all he does is blame me and say that it is all me and trying to make me feel bad calling me names like control freak. I am hurting so badly right now, knowing that I tried to explain to him what was wrong but he never listened to it, so many times, and he still blames everyone but himself. He definitely does have a grand sense of entitlement about him! So does his mother, she even thinks she is above the law.

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Thank you for that post. The penny has just dropped and I can see that he will never change. We have exchanged some texts today and all he does is blame me and say that it is all me and trying to make me feel bad calling me names like control freak. I am hurting so badly right now, knowing that I tried to explain to him what was wrong but he never listened to it, so many times, and he still blames everyone but himself. He definitely does have a grand sense of entitlement about him! So does his mother, she even thinks she is above the law.

 

I had a friend like him...she always wanted everyone to do for her, give her lifts all over the place etc. If she called you then you had to have time to talk to her but if you called her she always made it seem like you were disturbing her. She used people and was very stingy with her money and her time to others. She also bullied people if she saw they were resisting giving her what she wants. I tried talking to her many times about her hurtful behaviour and she would modify the behaviour for an hour before reverting back to her usual selfish self. She once told me that her sister had told her she was selfish and then proceeded to talk about how her sister doesn't understand her. When I finally ended the friendship because I was fed up, she blamed me, told me that I see things in black and white (yet she was the one who was the black and white thinker), how I always want things my way etc etc. In other words, she projected all of her personality traits on to me in order to blame me. People with a grand sense of entitlement project their negative behaviour traits on to others so that it becomes everyone else's fault but theirs.

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You know MCA, from what I can recollect, your posts(since having been in this relationship) have had this reoccurring, anxiety-ridden, stressed, depressed, kind of tone to mostly all of them.

 

It seems things really took a turn for the worst once you gave up your apartment. You were hesitant from day 1 and I think that spoke volumes.

 

You seem like someone who benefits very much from having their own space and independence; I can relate, bc I am very much the same way. I think for your own sanity and peace of mind, you should do a pro/con list not necessarily for staying in the relationship, but about moving to your own space again. I think the outcome of that list, will at least give you an idea of what you need to do for YOU in the meanwhile.

 

I think space and time apart from each other is what is needed at this point. Once you have that, I think it will be come clearer in regards to the relationship, what both of you should do..

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I have made the decision to end the relationship and move on. It will be hard, all my hopes and dreams are dashed and there are nice things about him that I will miss!

 

I was very hesitant yes all along, but I took a risk and tried my best, but it has been difficult. He has started to control me and weigh me down and almost mould me into this slave who looks after him. Its awful. Maybe slave is a strong word, but he just wants to be looked after and mothered, and seeing as he already has his mother mothering him nearly every single day and on the telephone still, its all a bit eerie to me. Its like everyone is there to pander to him, he never goes out with friends and wonders why he doesnt have any. I felt like I would not have a full life if I stayed with him.

 

I want to be looked after, not monetary wise, just to be the role of the woman and he of the man, not of mother and child.

 

Maybe I knew this about him all along, that he was a little "pushy", just like his mother.

 

I am very sad about all of this.

 

I am also quite scared about what I am going to do and where to go, because we live together at the moment and we do not have enough money to move out seperately. I have a little saved, but will have to save more. I will have to move into the spare room. but I need a bed/camp bed.

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I know this decision does not come easily.

 

Are you sure there is no one else you could bunk with for a few months until you have some money saved?? Making a decision like this is difficult but living under the same roof will make it downright unbearable, and quite possible for you to get sucked back in.

 

You stayed with your parents for awhile during your last fight - is that a possiblity for you now? What about other friends? Even if it's a matter of you having to "couch surf" for a little while...I think you should get out now, sooner rather then later.

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he sounds like me when i was still in a r/s with my girlfriend. iwas selfish, wanted things my way, make things difficult for her,temperamental, and it was mostly about me.my girlfriend is a wonderful girl who is veryreligious and very paitient with me, but iguess my nonsense sucked all the happiness out of her and slowly drained her emotionally. by putting up with my tantrums, my temper, my selfishness, my emotional problems, she was slowly exhausted and hurt and finally decided to breakup with me.

 

just from a males perspective.i dono how long is your r/s, but i presume its a long term r/s. mine was 4 years. i guess after so many years together, its a natural tendency for either side to start to take things for granted and let things slide. this was what happened to me; i started to take things for granted. i became very easly impatient with her and would scold her or quarrel with her over everythng. i wouldnt be the gentlemen i once was in the first 2 years of my r/s, like giving in to her etc.i would be very selfish and burden her with alot of my emotional problems...i would pick on her veery frequently over the smallest of issues. after so many years, i guess i started to take her for granted, he love, her kindness, her patience. I regret this tremendously. i guess this may be exactly what is happeneing to your r/s right now.

 

that said, this is not an excuse. he shouldnever treat you that way, even if its a long term r/s. that said, what i would advise is..give him a serious talk. tell him firmly, that if he really doesnt change his ways or try to work things out in a sincere manner, u are going to call if off. tell him your actuall feelings. that u are feeling tired and drained, that some of his ways are not to be tolerated any further, and that he needs to change if he wants this r/s to be preserved.

 

that said, sometimes its true that we only treasure what we have lost. it's always too late, as in my case. sometimes he may only start to treasure you and this r/s, and try to change, only after the breakup is initiated. by then, it might be too late. that was what happened to me. give him one more chance to talk things out, if not then the call is yours...sometimes we only wake up after everything is over. its sad really.

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What do you mean when you say you want to be looked after?

 

Some things I noticed from what you wrote:

 

You would like him to bring you tea sometimes (although you don't like it when he wants similar things)

You expected him to share with you a present you bought him.

You want to be 'taken care of' (actually can you explain what you mean by this?)

 

Does he also think you are selfish?

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What do you mean when you say you want to be looked after?

 

Some things I noticed from what you wrote:

 

You would like him to bring you tea sometimes (although you don't like it when he wants similar things)

You expected him to share with you a present you bought him.

You want to be 'taken care of' (actually can you explain what you mean by this?)

 

Does he also think you are selfish?

 

I suspect (although I am putting words in her mouth based on my own feelings on the matter!) she means that she wants a give and take "I take care of you AND you take care of me" which is what relationships are all about. Both people take care of each other. Each person offering their "services" to the other one. "Sometimes I bring you tea and sometimes you bring me tea"...as opposed to "I will always bring you tea but will always have to fetch my own tea".

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I suspect (although I am putting words in her mouth based on my own feelings on the matter!) she means that she wants a give and take "I take care of you AND you take care of me" which is what relationships are all about. Both people take care of each other. Each person offering their "services" to the other one. "Sometimes I bring you tea and sometimes you bring me tea"...as opposed to "I will always bring you tea but will always have to fetch my own tea".

 

Yes exactly. Let me tell you this about myself. I will ALWAYS think of others before myself, I am not a selfish person. I naturally always think good of other people and I am very caring. That is why I have so many good friends around me and people like me. But I cannot be like this with him, because he is not the same to me, so I won't "give" that to him.

 

Do you understand now?

 

I have never been a girl to want things bought for me, or to be treated like a princess. I have never had that! I have been treated badly, but I have always treated my boyfriends well. But in my later years (now), I just cannot be good to someone who is not being good to me.

 

I want nothing more than to GIVE to him, to make him breakfast, to do things nicely for him. I am a very eager to please others person, but I cannot take the pressure I feel from him to do things "his way" and to do it "right". For instance, he is a nightmare in the car with me, if I take a wrong turn, he shouts and then I feel so upset.

 

Do you understand?

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In fact, I am consumed by guilt now about how he must be feeling. I dont want him to feel hurt, he was my best friend and was always there for me, but all he does now is criticize and moan. He does not do the little things that mean so much.

 

And also there is something else about me, I will always realise it when I am wrong, if not at first, then I will always be a person to say "Im sorry" (if I was wrong), because I like to do right by people.

 

I am sad for his future with other women because I'm not sure he understands what a relationship should be like (though I obv have pangs of jealousy at the thought of it).

 

If you could see his parent's relationship you would understand. The same thing is happening here in our house, slowly but surely! and its scary.

 

But then again, he isn't all bad! Its so hard to explain. Its like he has a need to please to feel loved, but he has this horrible selfish side to him. Its very sad all of this...

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i have been in a similar position to you, my relationship with my ex was the same. He was self-admittedly stupid and for 2 years I made excuses until I couldn't cope anymore.

 

I miss him so much but he's moved onto the next sucker who will do everything for him, I don't think that these guys understand the concept of 'equal partnership' and waiting for them to change is an unpredictable game...

 

It's all very hard, extremely difficult and just when you think you're feeling ok you experience a new low. Surround yourself with those who comfort you, talk things through and once you feel like there's nothing more to be said I'd suggest spending some time on your own, that what I'm currently doing.

 

The thought of being single is so scary, there are nights when I'd give anything to have him back but I understand that this is all part of the experience.

 

Being with him was a risk you took and the end signifies the end of all the idealistic hopes you had for the relationship. From what you've said this guy doesn't sound like the right one for you... despite his good points. People aren't perfect and a relationship is compromise but not to this extent.

 

Good Luck x

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Thank you so much for that post. I can really relate to that, its exactly how I feel. I know I can't go on. In fact, we have just had THE TALK, it was quite calm at first, then there were tears from both of us, then he was in panic mode, but all is calm again now. I think a couple of days is needed for us to both accept this now, or moreso him. He kind of half agrees, but then says no he wants to be with me and loves me. I made a point of concentrating on the fact that we were just not suited together as we were both so different and we bring out the worst in each other. We couldnt have known this at first, but it is so clear now. I feel a little better now we have spoken, but I dont feel great! I am very scared aswell of being on my own again, and how I know that I will miss him (the good bits) and yes, the nighttimes when you want a cuddle. ouch, Thank you. Do you mind if maybe I PM you? how long ago did you break up, we are only really on day 2 or 3 here! xx

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A person can't live on cuddles alone! In other words, it is all great to feel the warmth and closeness of cuddles but that doesn't get the bills paid and the chores done. You can cuddle a dog as well but a dog also won't pay the bills and get the chores done. In other words, you need a partner who is responsible and who will share the load, not just give you cuddles and warmth.

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A person can't live on cuddles alone! In other words, it is all great to feel the warmth and closeness of cuddles but that doesn't get the bills paid and the chores done. You can cuddle a dog as well but a dog also won't pay the bills and get the chores done. In other words, you need a partner who is responsible and who will share the load, not just give you cuddles and warmth.

 

Yes you are right, its vital parts that are missing. He is very affectionate and "cuddly", faithful, but he seems to think that is all that is needed, as he was saying last night that he would never cheat on me or anything, but I said there are other reasons why people break up and cant get along.

 

Even last night after we had the talk, he irritated me. He didnt have any coke (and would never consider going out to the shop - lazy), so he asked to have some of mine (we are obviously very separate now), then he asked me could I get a spare bed for the other room as he wants his bed back as the sofa is giving him a bad back - I just thought HIM HIM HIM, TAKE TAKE TAKE, SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH

 

I actually slept well last night, I woke up happy with a little depression feeling, could it be possible that I feel relieved?

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then he asked me could I get a spare bed for the other room as he wants his bed back as the sofa is giving him a bad back - I just thought HIM HIM HIM, TAKE TAKE TAKE, SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH

Why is this being selfish?
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You may be right that he expects a mommy and not a gf. People with an over inflated sense of entitlement often want a parent not a partner. A "parent" can give them all the attention and goods they want and have no right to expect anything in return. They never suffered the word, No, they never had to work very hard for anything, nothing was expected of them in return for anything. Why would they want to change that deal?? It sounds good. In fact they do not even know how and they are utterly blown away when it is suggested they are acting like a spoiled beast. Unfortunately you can not be a partner to someone like this. They have to grow up first. It does not look like he is willing to grow up. At some point you have to decide whether you are helping, having a relationship or just purely wasting your life and living in hell. It sounds like the later and neither is happy. It is a good decision to leave.

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Why is this being selfish?

 

Well it's not very. he asked me to get a spare bed for the spare bedroom, so I can sleep in there. He is currently sleeping on the sofa, but he wouldnt have me sleeping on the sofa, BECAUSE HE PAID FOR THAT SOFA!

 

Hope you can see how his statement annoyed me.

 

Whenever we argue about money, where its him running out or hasnt got any and has to borrow off me, then I have to keep asking him for it back which makes me feel mean, he then tells me that HE BOUGHT THE SOFA. Had enough

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Yes Victoria, how depressing. He doesn't even think he is wrong. We have no choice here. He is just dragging me down and stopping me doing things with my life. His mother even called me today, but I didnt answer. She never calls me. I text him and he said she was calling b/c she wanted to talk to me and he was a bit embarrassed that she has called. She must be joking if she thinks I am letting her get involved in this, interfering busy body! She thinks she is so above everyone and can tell people what to do, well not me!

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Well it's not very. he asked me to get a spare bed for the spare bedroom, so I can sleep in there. He is currently sleeping on the sofa, but he wouldn't have me sleeping on the sofa, BECAUSE HE PAID FOR THAT SOFA!

 

Hope you can see how his statement annoyed me.

 

Whenever we argue about money, where its him running out or hasn't got any and has to borrow off me, then I have to keep asking him for it back which makes me feel mean, he then tells me that HE BOUGHT THE SOFA. Had enough

I think if you look at this a little more dispassionately you might see that from his point of view you are the one who wants to sleep separately and it's up to you to get the bed.

 

As you know I have followed your posts about this relationship since you were complaining about his mother before you even moved in together and since then it has been one problem after another. I remember asking you whether you felt you were really ready for a relationship with anyone given your need for independence and space. Your battles over who was right in furniture placement and over money and children were examples of two people basically at odds with each other over very basic things with neither one really prepared to give way. Now you are fighting over who sleeps where. I think if you look over the various threads you might agree that this isn't all about his behaviour but your as well.

 

On the one hand you want him to look after you and on the other you complain about him wanting to be looked after. This is very illustrative of the relationship dynamic between you - both of you want things the other simply isn't prepared to offer.

 

You can't control him but you can control you. You can't change his behaviours and attitudes but you can change yours - if you want to. I really think some self-analysis will serve you here - not only about how and why this relationship failed but whether you are the sort of person who should be in a relationship at all. Some of the things you have said over all this time, particularly at the beginning of the relationship, seem to me to have doomed it to failure from the beginning - and may doom future relationships in the same way.

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OK DN, say I do stay in this relationship based on the fact that I do have faults also. Say I surrender and change what I am prepared to do. This will mean that I will have to cook his food right, listen to him obsess over food, make him breakfast, clean when he wants me to, praise him for cleaning/tidying up, always have extra money to cover him (which will be often), never buy any clothes (because he moans that he has not been able to buy any - jealousy). He is lazy, he has admitted it. If I surrender and do all these things for him, he will take advantage, like he has already. Oh yes, I think I will stay then, it sounds great for me.

 

He doesnt even take me out, yet I take him out, because if I didnt take US out, we would never GO out. Honestly, I am not having a good time here. I am perfectly willing to change things about myself, I have already changed a lot for him but why should I change even more, if he is not prepared to change ONE IOTA.

 

If I don't stay, then I guess I am just not a relationship kind of girl. There is no future for me.

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There is lots of future for you, but with the right kind of man. There is no failure in calling it quits if you know with every ounce of your being this is not for you. You are not married, and there is no one holding a gun to your head. Never look at this as a failure but something to learn from. How can I pick a better partner for me, what qualities do I want him to have..what am I willing to change in myself etc.....

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Do you know what, I know what I want! I want someone kind and giving and sharing. I want someone to want to make me tea in the morning sometimes because it makes me happy, but for me to then shower them with care and attention. I want to make breakfast for them and they really appreciate it, but at the same time not expect it. I want someone to care about how I'm feeling and want to truly do something to help and I want someone who will at least feel a bit mortified if something they were doing was hurting me and put a stop to it right away.

 

I want someone sociable and someone who loves people and sees good in people, someone non-judgmental, obviously someone loyal and faithful. I want someone with the same values as me regarding family and someone who loves Christmas, someone who enjoys giving gifts, not just receiving. Someone who likes to go to the opera/threatre sometimes. Someone who will encourage me to meet up with my friends and have a good time and who will also do the same with theirs.

 

Someone who will not moan when I listen to RNB in the house, cause that is what I love. Someone who will make love more, rather than f*** (sorry to be blunt). Someone who will not feel sorry for themselves ALL THE TIME.

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