The "friends first" people

[newwave]

I'm seeing this a lot with guys. Many want to start as friends, and to some extent I agree. After all, a strong relationship that leads to marriage needs a friendship base because eventually the strong chemistry will fizzle to some extent and you need someone you enjoy being with. I get this and am this way myself because I like to take my time. The guy I like (long time friend who I recently reconnected with) is also of this mindset. By this I mean go on dates, have fun, but no actual sex. Whether we get serious remains to be seen (I hope we do eventually) but sometimes it takes time.

 

However, I'm seeing that the friends first on various sites (I see it often on Craiglist and Plentyoffish when I lurk at these places) means sex and maybe a relationship will develop. When I see these ads I usually assume they want sex right away and it kind of warps what people like me like.

 

Anyone else notice this trend?

[HouseKitten]

I wonder if men especially say this because they think it's what women want to hear.

 

Like 'oh he's incredible, we're taking things slow and getting to know each other as friends first, isn't he awesome to be okay with that...'

 

But I don't really think it has a place in online dating. It's not like meeting someone through other friends, building up a friendship and then it turning into a romance - it's online dating. The majority of people go there looking for a date, not a pal. You're both there looking for a partner, so why bother with friendship first - you get to know each other through *gasp* going out on dates, you don't need to build up a platonic relationship first. It's almost as if these people want to get to know someone without the obligation of actually dating (and therefore having to potentially limit the other people they date, commit at some point, arrange dates, keep regular contact etc) since friendship is normally a lot more relaxed and informal than dating.

 

I wouldn't go for it at all - it feels like a cheat. If it looks like a date and it walks like a date and it talks like a date, why call it a friendship?

[newwave]

Some people need to go slow to develop trust, including me. In my case it's fine since we are friends and while both of us are attracted to each other it's less pressure on us (especially him, who's dealing with issues). The guys doing online dating is strange and I wonder what their purpose is. Do they do it so they can strong along people or because they need to take their time? I suspect it's because they really want to have sex under the guise of friendship, which is kind of sad.

[Shallow]

The majority of people go there looking for a date, not a pal. You're both there looking for a partner, so why bother with friendship first - you get to know each other through *gasp* going out on dates, you don't need to build up a platonic relationship first.

You can't date without sex? I guess I've been doing it wrong, or I'm just old-fashioned (egads). If that's the case, I regret being born a generation too early, as I certainly would've had more fun if that's how the kids feel about it now. I've never been able to get intimate with someone I wasn't "friends" with first, and even then I'd have to be comfortable.

 

I reckon this is why I'm still single.

[PoopyBear]

I've been seeing a guy I met online, (6 times now) and we have done the deed. Now he says it was too soon, we're just encouraging feelings (?) and we don't know each other. We've now agreed to keep seeing each other but not have sex until, who knows when. It's brought up all kinds of questions in my head and I've posted on here about him.

 

At least I know he's not looking for FWB?

 

This is all new to me as I've never met a guy who wants to be friends first. I think in the beginning it's a good thing as I know I'm not giving him 100% me because it takes a while to be comfortable with a new person.

[BriarRose]

When I was doing on-line dating, I found the "friends-first" people to not be ready for a serious relationship, or they had recently come out of serious relationships or recently divorced.

 

Since I was looking for a serious relationship, I didn't want to date someone who was going to want to move so slowly.

[SometimesShy]

I'm seeing this a lot with guys. Many want to start as friends, and to some extent I agree.

 

Hmmm... Almost all the "friends first" posts I've read have been made by women, who appear to be afraid that the guy they are dating only wants them for sex.

 

Myself, I am kind of an "everything first" type of person. I like to jump in with both feet, which can sometimes be overwhelming for the woman I'm dating if she isn't ready for this.

 

I like intense, passionate women. So if the sparks aren't flying by the 2nd date, then there is little chance we will ever be a good match.

 

After all, a strong relationship that leads to marriage needs a friendship base because eventually the strong chemistry will fizzle to some extent and you need someone you enjoy being with.

 

Yes, friendship definitely has to be there, but chemistry should never fizzle if it's your true nature. I was in two LTR ( 5 and 7 years ) and our chemistry was still red hot when things were over, which made it very tough to move on.

[BriarRose]

Myself, I am kind of an "everything first" type of person. I like to jump in with both feet,

I am the same way, so I tended to steer clear of the "friends first" profiles.

[newwave]

Hmmm... Almost all the "friends first" posts I've read have been made by women, who appear to be afraid that the guy they are dating only wants them for sex.

 

Myself, I am kind of an "everything first" type of person. I like to jump in with both feet, which can sometimes be overwhelming for the woman I'm dating if she isn't ready for this.

 

I like intense, passionate women. So if the sparks aren't flying by the 2nd date, then there is little chance we will ever be a good match.

 

 

 

Yes, friendship definitely has to be there, but chemistry should never fizzle if it's your true nature. I was in two LTR ( 5 and 7 years ) and our chemistry was still red hot when things were over, which made it very tough to move on.

 

 

I'm the opposite. I hate when guys come on too strong at first. My experience has been that guys who come on to strong either get too attached too soon or just want sex.

[newwave]

You can't date without sex? I guess I've been doing it wrong, or I'm just old-fashioned (egads). If that's the case, I regret being born a generation too early, as I certainly would've had more fun if that's how the kids feel about it now. I've never been able to get intimate with someone I wasn't "friends" with first, and even then I'd have to be comfortable.

 

I reckon this is why I'm still single.

 

Same here. I don't do sex too soon. I have, and it was a disaster so I made a vow to wait. I want to wait until engagement or living together so I know the sex is with love and not just a fling.

[easyguy]

My ex and I dated right off the bat, no "friends first" approach.

 

However, a girl I have class with has shown and verbally expressed her interest in me, but after making it clear to her that I am not ready to get involved quite yet, she is interested in me when I do get over this last relationship. For now, we are friends. Had I have been over my ex by now, I would have kissed her on our date 2 days ago.