Why do women ask "what are you thinking about?"

[DontGetStung]

Other than the obvious answer, that they're curious. I find this to be a very invasive question, and women always ask me. It's easy to tell when I'm thinking hard about something, and this question usually gets asked in the bed or when we are just hanging out watching tv or something. If I deflect the question, or say "nothing" then they push harder/get upset. My question is what do you want to gain, and why is this such an important question?

[Bella20]

probably your facial expression encourages the asking

[DontGetStung]

I'm sure you're right, but why can't they let it go? Why do they get upset/offended/angry? It happened to me this weekend with a girl I was with this weekend, and we got into a bit of a spat over it, and I just couldn't believe how the whole thing transpired.

[Bella20]

why not just tell her what you are thinking about?

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's about intimacy. If you say "nothing", it feels like you are thinking about something important and not sharing.

 

Sometimes, guys really are thinking about nothing. I don't understand how they have such clear minds sometimes. My mind feels like a constant chatter.

 

However, most of the time, he's just not sharing his true feelings. All of yesterday he was in a mood, I knew something was bothering him. But, I was leaving him alone. Finally he broke down and told me about how sick he felt about his friend getting cancer again. It's like he's afraid to show me his feelings and just ends up exploding in depression every once in a while.

 

Women are taught by other women to be sharers. "What are you thinking" isn't considered an invasive question. It's like talking about the weather.

[hexaemeron]

I hate this question when its directed at me. If I have something to share, I'll share it. If you push me, I'm just close up that much more.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm sure you're right, but why can't they let it go? Why do they get upset/offended/angry? It happened to me this weekend with a girl I was with this weekend, and we got into a bit of a spat over it, and I just couldn't believe how the whole thing transpired.

 

She shouldn't get upset or offended. How long have you two been dating?

 

You not sharing is not a reflection on her and she shouldn't pressure you to open up. She has to come to that realization on her own though. I think anything you say will probably make it worse. Over time, she should cool down.

[Seraphim]

I think if people do not want to share they should not expect their partner to share either. People ask because they want to get close to you.

[hexaemeron]

I think if people do not want to share they should not expect their partner to share either. People ask because they want to get close to you.

 

I agree with this. I never used to pump my partner for information and got upset when he did it to me. So he got doubly upset because he said it showed I didn't "care about him" to ask.

 

So now, for him, I ask, even though he knows I think it's weird (at least for me.)

[Cognitive_Canine]

Also, if she's saying this in bed...it might mean she wants you to make a move. At least, that's what I do. I always want him to say that he's thinking about something frisky.

[LoveSoDeep]

I would agree that it must be something in your facial expression that gives away that you are thinking about something and that is why a woman might ask.

 

When I do this I really am just curious...sometimes the answer is..."I was thinking I really need to mow my lawn tomorrow" and sometimes it is "I'm thinking about how beautiful you are" to me it's just interesting to see what he's thinking and after I get to know him better I hope I'll know what the subtle difference in his expression mean...so it's almost like I'm trying to learn what his expression say about what he's thinking about.

 

On the other hand, if I guy does this to me all the time I get annoyed so I try not to ask all that often.

 

All you can do is tell her that you would rather she didn't ask all the time...or do what one guy did to me whenever I asked too much he'd start asking me just as much and I'd see how annoying it was and I'd stop. LOL However this was after we had talked about not asking as much it wasn't a game he played out of the blue...So moral of the story is talk to her and see why she asks so often and if it bothers you aske her to try to ask less.

[DN]

People are entitled to their privacy and if you ask and they clearly don't want to share then you should accept that. It is pretty controlling to try to force people.

[HouseKitten]

Although I agree that you shouldn't share if you don't want to, I think you need to maybe explain why you don't want to share, or tell a white lie.

 

Like someone else said, for a lot of people this isn't an invasive question, especially when you're close to someone, you just want to know them better. Saying 'nothing' doesn't say 'oh just something private that doesn't concern you', it says 'something I don't want you to know about', and few people like to think their partner has dark secrets to keep from them.

[Cognitive_Canine]

People are entitled to their privacy and if you ask and they clearly don't want to share then you should accept that. It is pretty controlling to try to force people.

 

Yes, indeed.

 

Although, I wouldn't consider the question all that intrusive. A lot of men seem to. But, ultimately, you have to respect their privacy. Pressing the issue will make them much less likely to share.

[KG]

"Oh nothing" sounds like you are shutting down. Sometimes I'll say, "can we talk about it later, after I get it clear in my mind? And no, it's not about us!"

[BellaStranger]

Women just ask because they care and sometimes it's because they just wanna talk and think it might start a conversation... why don't you try 'sorry, i'm a bit preoccupied but I dont really wanna talk about it' or 'just passing things, what you thinking about?' rather than 'nothing'.... because that reaction can be a real trigger for worrying that it IS something and its about you or your relationship.... paranoid maybe, but most women are a bit and it would take little effort from you to be a little reassuring without having to give up your innermost thoughts!

[blitzkrieged]

yeah i don't see how its that invasive either.... I mean unless you are planning to murder someone or thinking about the chick you just cheated on me with... What's there to hide? sometimes i just ask because were both quiet and its a way to re start the conversation.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I get asked that a lot. I think my gf is trying to make sure my mind isn't on someone else, and it's not. The truth is it's probably something really random and stupid not worth mentioning like, "Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?" or "What happens if a Siamese twin commits a crime? Do they both go to jail?". Thats the kinda stuff I am thinking. Why do I need to share that...

[Cognitive_Canine]

I get asked that a lot. I think my gf is trying to make sure my mind isn't on someone else, and it's not. The truth is it's probably something really random and stupid not worth mentioning like, "Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?" or "What happens if a Siamese twin commits a crime? Do they both go to jail?". Thats the kinda stuff I am thinking. Why do I need to share that...

 

But those are probably two of the funniest things I've heard in a while.

 

Seriously, we aren't paranoid. Well, at least I'm not when I say this.

 

My boyfriend justifies it the same way you do. That he's thinking of something insane and ridiculous and doesn't want to share it because he feels it's embarrassing. But, think of the conversations that would lead to!

[DontGetStung]

I'm not really dating this girl, we hook up about every month or so, almost always at her request, and this has been going on for almost a year. This question was not specific to her though, as many women have asked, and also been upset when I didn't want to share. Many times it is after the girl I'm with is already tired from sex, as was the case this time and she had already said she was sore so I don't think she wanted me to start anything. We were just chilling in my bed for a while, and I think she heard/felt my heartrate increase because her head was on my chest, and she asked very shortly after that.

 

Most of the time I'm not thinking about whomever I'm with. Usually when someone asks, I am in deep, metaphysical thought and making rapid connections between seemingly dissimilar things, which is why I have that lost look, and that's also when I am most uncomfortable sharing.

[Cognitive_Canine]

She probably was upset that you didn't open up even though you both just had sex.

[petite]

I admit, I ask this of the person I'm with. My ex hated it, he never admitted to hating being asked, but I know he did. It's usually because I truly want to know what that person is thinking, I share a lot of my thoughts and I guess I expect the same.

[DontGetStung]

We've had a lot of sex over the last year and we don't really have pillow talk ever. I didn't do anything differently or leave any stone unturned during the sex, so why do I owe her an explanation of what's going through my head? She's never indicated that she wants anything more from me.

[Seraphim]

I admit, I ask this of the person I'm with. My ex hated it, he never admitted to hating being asked, but I know he did. It's usually because I truly want to know what that person is thinking, I share a lot of my thoughts and I guess I expect the same.

 

That is me. If I give all I have to get close to someone and they do not return it then it is an insult to me. Maybe that is how she felt.

[HouseKitten]

so why do I owe her an explanation of what's going through my head? She's never indicated that she wants anything more from me.

 

I don't think it's supposed to be about owing anyone anything. She most likely does not see this as a difficult question, and the fact that you then clam up and won't talk about it raises her suspicions - they're not already raised, she's just being talkative. It's a fairly standard question as evidenced by many women here, but your reaction is what's causing the problem.

 

And really, why is it a problem for you? Is there something more going on here? Unless you're lying there thinking about other women - where's the harm in just saying 'I was thinking about getting a snack' or 'I was thinking about what time I have to be in work tomorrow'?