When is thinking BIG and reaching for the stars....too big and too far?

[aporia14]

I wish I found pleasure and happiness in all the small wonderful things that my husband does do for me and not be upset about all the things he does not. I wish the small things were enough to make me not want to divorce a good man I truly love and who loves me. I wish being with him did not feel like I have to sacrifice my dreams.

 

Am I aiming too high to want

1) to go to graduate school so I can earn more money.

2) Go out to dinner with my husband once a week and occasionally meet friends for drinks, or go out dancing once-in-a-while.

3)take trips a few times a year with just my husband and not my step-daughter who lives with her mother.

4) Start a family of my own with a wonderful man and eventually buy our own home.

 

My Reality

My husband is in debt 40K with his CCs from his divorce. He continues to spend money we do not have to see his daughter who lives in another state, which I do not think it is unreasonable but we can't afford it.

 

He wants to make a $300-400 trip twice a year to the house he and his ex-wife own to make any necessary repairs/upkeep to the house. I think this is something he can stop but he refuses to.

 

He has not had a full-time job in the past 3 years but refuses to reduce his child-support that I cannot afford. Last year he finally made more than 20K for the entire year.

 

It seems that all my wants/needs gets are not important or possible anytime soon. He is 44 and I am 27 when will he be in a position to start a new family, or buy a house for us?

 

Am I being selfish? Or is time to call it quits?

[HouseKitten]

Are you sure that he wants a new family? He already has a daughter and a whole load of debt - have you discussed with him whether or not he actually wants more children in the future?

[Hermes]

What do you think, Aporia? Well, you probably know.

 

Your four points are perfectly normal expectations.

He is now married to YOU, and you should come first. In his mind he seems to still be living with his former family.

 

You need to sit down and discuss these issues, preferably in the presence of a third party.

 

All the best

Hermes

[aporia14]

Are you sure that he wants a new family? ... have you discussed with him whether or not he actually wants more children in the future?

 

I would not have married him if he didn't want another family. We had the same dreams and hopes when we were dating but reality stepped in and he hasn't been able to find a job in 3 years so, our plans are being thrown to the waste side because he seems to have much more important obligations.

[DontGetStung]

What kind of work is he looking for that he can't find a job in 3 years?

[HouseKitten]

What does he say when you bring these things up with him?

[DontGetStung]

* * * are you paying his child support?

[DN]

Sorry, but you took this on when you married him. The hard fact is that you don't come first - his daughter does and so she should, at least until she is an adult. You are not of no importance but while she is a child she has to be a primary priority. Those things you want are not unreasonable but they are impractical at the moment with that in mind.

 

If the things you want are more important than keeping him as your husband then you should divorce him and find someone else. You have to look after your best interests and look for what you need if those things are necessary for you. But you should not try to curtail his visits to his daughter and he has a responsibility to support her as best he can.

 

Keeping the house maintained is just sense.

[aporia14]

He use to be a political science college professor and he left academia for several reasons. He wanted to make a career change but this was in 2007 just as the economy hit a down turn. He is now a substitute teacher for the county we live in and he also works at Home Depot garden department. He is a hard worker. I should also add that he takes time-off when his 15 yr. old daughter is in town and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. Part of me feels like I am the one being selfish and impatient.

[aporia14]

What does he say when you bring these things up with him?

 

He doesn't want to talk about it. He also thinks that I should not be involved in decisions that concern his daughter and I should not be concerned with his debt. I guess my hard-earned money is good enough for her but I am not.

 

I plan to separate our finances. Whatever concerns his daughter he will just have to earn it himself. I am through sacrificing everything.

[aporia14]

Keeping the house maintained is just sense.

 

Why is this not something his ex-wife can do with the $800 in child support she receives every month?

[DN]

Why is this not something his ex-wife can do with the $800 in child support she receives every month?

Because child support is meant to support the child not protect an investment in a house which will eventually benefit the parents.

[Creative]

mortgage, debt and daughter/son = bound person.

 

Speaking purely for your dream,

If he is going to be like that for years to come, and you have bigger dreams, he should be sacrificed.

 

You can be a single 27 year old with great potential to pursue such a dream.

 

Just don't let yourself become a cranky old woman who complains about what your husband's done to your youth by 35.

[aporia14]

Because child support is meant to support the child not protect an investment in a house which will eventually benefit the parents.

 

If this is true...then, why is it acceptable for his ex-wife to use that money as supplemental income and not get a full-time job herself. Why is it okay for her to use that money to pay the mortgage? And we still have to buy clothes for his daughter each time she comes to visit. And now she wants a cell phone....why is this something that should be our responsibility?

[DN]

If this is true...then, why is it acceptable for his ex-wife to use that money as supplemental income and not get a full-time job herself. Why is it okay for her to use that money to pay the mortgage? And we still have to buy clothes for his daughter each time she comes to visit. And now she wants a cell phone....why is this something that should be our responsibility?

Because unfortunately, there is no way for a support-paying parent to force the receiving parent to spend it exclusively on the child. It is entirely at her/his discretion.

 

As for the mortgage, the child needs a house to live in and courts have held that acceptable.

[HouseKitten]

I plan to separate our finances. Whatever concerns his daughter he will just have to earn it himself. I am through sacrificing everything.

 

This seems like a good idea. Presumably he was paying child support before you came along, and she is not your daughter. It also doesn't sound like you're particularly involved with her for whatever reason.

 

I get the feeling he is mainly looking out for his interests, and yours are going to possibly come at a later date, if you're lucky. But unless you can afford to support him and also chase all the things you want like further education, it's not going to happen. It sounds to me like he's gotten used to you picking up the bill. Maybe once that stops, he'll realise he needs to get a full-time job and sort himself out financially.

[petite]

Did you discuss all these issues before getting married?

How long have you been married for?

 

You're still young, you have no kids and you have dreams you want to accomplish, don't let his financial issues burden you and your dreams.

You knew he was divorced and had a child before you got married, that alone should have been enough for you to realize he came with baggage.

 

I support your wishes and I don't believe you are responsible for paying his child support. I think he should request to have it reduced based on what he is earning. She isn't your child and you owe her nothing. As for maintenance on the house his ex lives in, they should sell it, split the money and have no ties to that home.

 

His child should be priority, but I don't think you are responsible for any financial ties to her or her mother. If he can not afford to buy her a particular item unless you generously offer, than you really don't need to buy her anything with YOUR money. I am all for sharing finances when married, everything is equal the whole "whats mine is yours" but not when there is an ex wife and child involved.

 

Judging by your posts, it doesn't seem like he is too keen on starting a new family with you. It could be that he thinks you can't do it financially or maybe he just doesn't want any more children. People often change their mind after they re-marry.

 

Really what you should be thinking about is; do you want to spend your life supporting his child and his ties to her and putting yourself as a secondary or do you want to achieve your goals. I know people say after the child turns 18 child support stops, the child is now an adult they are on their own bla bla. This isn't always the case. In fact it is rarely the case. I know a man who is still paying adult child support for his 21 year old and he will until she finished whatever degree she is doing. This isn't the law in all countries or states as is possibly not the case with your husband and his child support, but you need to look at all this with both eyes open.

She is his child and when ever she needs something he will give it to her 18 or 25 it wont matter. After she turns 18 comes college/university and then wedding and list goes on and on. Naturally he wont be bound by law to pay for these things, but lets be realistic, do you think he wont want to and that he will just let all his financial ties to his child be cut off after she turns 18? I seriously doubt it.

[aporia14]

We've been married for 3 years. I never expected him to stop supporting his daughter. I was well aware of all the obligations that come with having a child and the issues that come up in a divorce. My parents are divorced and they are not rich, or close to leading financially comfortable lives, but I always had to accept my situation for what it was and whatever I wanted I worked for it or did without. Parents these days try too hard to make life too easy for their kids and I think responsibilities and work builds character.

 

My step-daughter is a Straight-A angel so my husband wants to give her everything she wants and needs. He has already started talking about college. Hahaha...My parents did not pay for my college education I took-out loans and I had part-time jobs.

[Hermes]

My parents are divorced and they are not rich, or close to leading financially comfortable lives, but I always had to accept my situation for what it was and whatever I wanted I worked for it or did without. Parents these days try too hard to make life too easy for their kids and I think responsibilities and work builds character.

 

My step-daughter is a Straight-A angel so my husband wants to give her everything she wants and needs. He has already started talking about college. Hahaha...My parents did not pay for my college education I took-out loans and I had part-time jobs.

 

Yes, that may well be and I agree about character building etc.

 

But that isn't the point here, is it.

 

I think it is a wise move to separate your finances, as in a separate bank account and so on.

 

His daughter is not your responsibility.

 

Petite puts forward some good questions in her post above. Something to ponder on. Resentment can build up, years go by, and you have to now maybe try to reach some difficult decisions.

 

All the best

Hermes

[DN]

In many jurisdictions (including the UK and Ontario) the income of a subsequent spouse is taken into account when determining child support. My sister, for instance, was essentially paying some child support for her husband;s children.

[SnowFox]

It sounds like you need to identify your core complaints in this situation and then decide what you are willing to do if you two can't reach a compromise.

 

The sense I get is that the prime issue for you is that he has not scaled down his spending relative to his lower income. Is that what is bothering you the most?

 

What about having your own child? That also sounds like a potentially huge problem between the two of you. If you are someone who really wants to have your own biological child, I don't think you can afford to hope that he is still on board in a few years. I think you should get that issue nailed down in a very crystal clear way before you invest more time and money into this relationship

[aporia14]

Yes! That is exactly what it is. I just want him to lower his spending realtive to his income. We kinda spoke last night and he has assured me that he would love to have more children but he has also said that they would never be as important to him as his daughter....ouch!

 

I am okay with him loving them equally, which I think he will love all his children the same but I guess he is being honest by admitting that because he was the one to leave the marriage there is a guilt there that will always make his first daughter a little more important. Also, he doesn't have much confidence in his ex-wife. I guess I should be taking this as a compliment.

[Hermes]

he has assured me that he would love to have more children but he has also said that they would never be as important to him as his daughter....ouch!

 

This is unbelievable. If he had, say, a daughter with you, would she not also be HIS daughter. What a horrible thing to say to you! In other words, your children would be sort of "second rate". You know what, regarding children, I think he is talking the talk but will never walk the walk. That is what I am hearing.

 

Take care

Hermes

 

He doesn't have much confidence in his ex-wife!

I am beginning to feel she is the lucky one in this ménage. Would I also be correct in saying he left her for you? If so, maybe he resents that, subconsciously.

[aporia14]

No, he did not leave her for me. He and I started dating 3-4 years after his divorce.

 

He was miserable with his ex because she was a drag to be around. Easily overwhelmed, not clean, disconnected emotionally,etc...etc.....wait a sec...disconnected emotionally? I don't think he knows how to deal with someone that wants to be an active participant in marriage.

[Hermes]

I don't think he knows how to deal with someone that wants to be an active participant in marriage.

 

It's tough on you, Aporia, to have to think through all these aspects, but as you can see, there are moments of clarity and you are beginning to realise that something is not quite as it should be.

 

I can only wish you luck and strength, but I know you want to reach for those stars, and you deserve that.

 

Hermes