New girlfriend confides in me

[jkepler85]

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months now. I'm 24 and she's 23. I noticed that she never talked about her father so I asked her about it the other day. It turns out that whole story is very complicated. Her biological father had like 6 wives and so she has like 30 half-brothers and sisters. Much more complicated than I can probably explain. So I asked her how she came to live here if she was living with her mother and she tells me it was because of some unpleasant issues with her family. I didn't push her on the topic since it seemed pretty sensitive, but later on the evening she confided in me. It turns out her step father molested her for 9 years. She has a lot of hatred towards this man (monster?) and her mother who didn't do anything to protect her daughter and still lives with that man. I'm apparently one of maybe 5 people she's ever told.

 

I told her that it is perfectly ok to feel anything that she is feeling on the matter. That she shouldn't try to hold back any emotions and that I won't judge her or think less of her. I told her is wasn't her fault that these terrible things happened to her. I asked her if she had seen any sort of counselor on the matter, apparently she had when she was 12, but she wasn't really able to talk about it then.

 

I don't know what to think about this? I obviously want to help her or get her some help. In terms of our relationship, I'm concerned to have this huge unresolved thing floating around, it seems like it could definitely mess with a person and make having a healthy relationship difficult.

 

What do you think?

[WindowTo]

It is of course possible that she has emotional trauma from being molested and unhelped by her own mother for 9 years. This could manifest itself in the form of sexual issues or emotional ones. If you don't think that you can handle that, or that you are unwilling to deal with it then you should stop seeing her. If you do decide to stay then I would have 2 pieces of advice for you: 1. You are not her psychologist, don't try to fix her by telling her what to do/analyzing her or her situation, that is probably not what she wants from you. She likes you and she wants you to like her. So you can be there for her, be patient with the issues and emotions that might be incoming, and really listen to her when she needs it. I am not saying that you should be a neutral observer in the relationship, I am just saying that you want to be with her based on what you like about her and be ok with the idea that she may always have issues.

 

And 2. Make a decisive decision here. You could do more damage than help if you go into the thing halfheartedly knowing that there might be bumps and then bailing on her. Certainly take your time in making the decision and figure things out so you don't have any regrets.

[MikNomis]

If it were me, I would continue to date her normally and never bring up that touchy topic again. Hopefully with more time, it will be the last thing on the back of her mind and it will not affect her daily life. But if this past noticeably affects her daily life, like if she has depression, or any type of issue because of it, then I would consider breaking it off here.