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Opinions please. Is it disrespectful if...


aneducation

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Hi, this is my first time here...

The short story is my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We've lived together for 5 yrs... Early Last year we separated for 6 months. I was very hurt, to put it mildly. I felt as though our love meant so much more to me than it did to him. Resentment amongst other things played a role in these events. Just 3 weeks after he started going out on dates with some random woman and slept with her like a month or two later (in Spring)... He stopped going out on dates with her mid-Summer but he was still on occasion communicating with her. In the Fall (last year) he and I got back together. He told me that he had not communicated with her in a month. There was alot I had to forgive him for. Personally, Internally (Emotionally). And I'm still working on it. Even though we've been back together he has many times made me feel as though he got back together with me, for me or that he was forced to... Which I know isn't true at all. He has said he loves me more than anyone in the world. I do see clearly that in my role I am the one who truly helps to keep our relationship together. He can be a very loving guy. And I love him dearly. Obviously, it is why I am still with him. And we are trying to work on things.

 

Here's the 'Is it disrespectful' question... I have a problem with him still having this person's number in his cell phone. He says he hasn't called her since then and I believe him. He first told me he kept it in his phone to know if she did call he didn't want to answer it. Which I thought was odd since he has told me in the past how easy it is to block someone's number. Why wouldn't he just block the number?

Early THIS year I mistakenly received a text message from him that was intended for her. Saying he was sorry about everything... etc. He claims that that was the one and only time he contacted her and that was only in response to her text. And he says he didn't resend it. He often tells me that I don't trust him... and though I really do these types of acts don't seem faithful or sincere. I suggested he just block her number. I've asked this a couple of times over the past few months. And he he still had not. He says it doesn't matter if her number is there it is meaningless. Now I love and trust him,... but it feels very disrespectful of him not to care and do a simple thing like at least delete the number. Even the principle behind it would show greater faith.

 

Do you think it's disrespectful that he still has this number in his phone?

Though I don't scroll through his phone just knowing it is there bothers me.

I feel like something so logical is not being understood.

 

p.s. We are both adults. Not teenagers.... And have no children.

He is considerably further along in life than I am.

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Here's what would work on me.

 

"I respect that your phone is your business, but if that number disappeared I'd feel better."

 

Then drop it, because if he deletes it he could simply write it down somewhere.

Trust him or don't.

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Trust has already been broken. What can you do? You tried re-establishing the relationship with a "clean" slate, but it seems as though you have not forgiven him. He slipped up texting you when it was intended for the other woman.

 

So why are you still with him if he has already betrayed you? You moved in with this guy because you want to be apart of his life. He ditches you for another woman. This is what I don't understand. If my guy cheated on me like your guy has done to you he would be OUT of my life for good.

 

He says he stopped contacting her. Yet, why does he STILL have her number stored? It looks suspicious after what you went through with him. If what he has said is true about cutting the contact, then he wouldn't need to keep her number.

 

In your case, keeping that woman's number is disrespectful toward your relationship. It's time you re-evaluate your relationship with him because it sounds that you are STILL having trouble trusting him. Without trust there is NO relationship. Period.

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Here's what would work on me.

 

"I respect that your phone is your business, but if that number disappeared I'd feel better."

 

Then drop it, because if he deletes it he could simply write it down somewhere.

Trust him or don't.

 

Dako, he's closer to your age... so you think it is o.k. for me to bring this up ONCE more? I've already said it a couple of times... not in those exact words but I've said it a couple of times in the past 7 months.

Do you think just bringing it up randomly is a good idea? I don't want to start an argument or any atmosphere of negative thought... I just want to express my feelings.

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Kumatora,

Thanks for your Op. To clarify...

He didn't 'ditch' me for another woman... that 'fling' happened while we were separated. And though a part of me felt betrayed and cheated on I was also hurt is the speed in which it took place. Yes, trust HAD been broken and I've gone to great lengths to repair this within myself for him. I've gone deep inside myself to find Forgiveness... I have but I am still working on it. It is my Forgiveness of him that allowed me to love him deeper. But these types of little things that remind me of the hurt I endured last year don't help they trigger that in me... and thus I become uncomfortable. I do trust him... it's more principle behind the act.

He says he understands my feelings I just don't think he gets how it's disrespectful to me. And that'ss what I wish for him to realize.

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I'd suspect he's aware of your feelings but if it's not a controlling, combative request or a weepy one he'll consider your feelings. Some guys will resist nagging to prove they aren't whipped. (Not that you nag him)

 

If he deletes it but writes it down secretly, would you trust him more?

My point was simply that trust is ultimately a matter of faith.

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