Maintaining a level of mystery

[givinggirl]

Many people say you need to keep a man interested by maintaining a level of mystery. How exactly do you do this? What's the difference between mystery and game playing? I'm not a fan of playing games and to me this feels like playing games.

[fLuiD]

It is playing games. Don't play it. Just be yourself, and do whatever feels natural.

[DN]

I agree - the problem with games like this is that all to often there is nothing there behind the 'mystery' - nothing very interesting anyway.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Scratch beneath the surface of someone who feels the need to act mysterious and you will find someone who is incredibly insecure and dysfunctional.

[Hermes]

It is not about playing games. Just be pleasant and cool, always. Be yourself, but if "yourself" is needy or not at ease with "yourself", then it is best to get to a place first where you are not always wearing your heart on your sleeve. Nor is it necessary to spill out your entire life story, or disclose anything inappropriately. That is just having good boundaries, which is not the same as mystery.

 

Hermes

[FathomFear]

Sounds like something you'd find in Cosmo. Just be yourself, IMO. If you need to play games to keep someone's interest than he's not worth the effort.

[givinggirl]

Sounds like something you'd find in Cosmo. Just be yourself, IMO. If you need to play games to keep someone's interest than he's not worth the effort.

 

Actually, I have seen this advice given many times on here. I don't read Cosmo. I've never understood it because then I would be focusing on keeping the mystery up instead of just what I feel like at that moment. It seems like a lot of unnecessary work.

[Clarity]

If there's anything positive to take from the "mysterious" advice, it just means to take your time. Don't tell him everything about yourself right away, let him learn about you and hopefully he does the same. I don't mean to hold things intentionally back, but I have been on dates with girls where they start referring to their friends (this is on a first or second date) by their first names (i.e. instead of telling me that "my friend" did x or y, they tell me about "Jake" or "Lisa"), or telling me intimate things about their family life. It's just a little weird early on...

 

Anyway, don't play games, but there's nothing wrong with taking your time.

[mfan]

What's the difference between mystery and game playing?

None.

 

I find that when I'm attracted enough to a person, that automatically makes them mysterious because who can explain attraction?

 

There's no need for the girl to do anything to make herself more mysterious to me. It's automatic if it is there. Anything the girl does on purpose will be artificial, obnoxious, and very annoying.

 

Have you ever read "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing" by Melissa Bank? That is an intense collection of fictional short stories and the last chapter is about a girl who is in a great relationship and almost ruins it unfixably by trying to follow the advice of a book (clearly a takeoff on "The Rules") and in doing so, almost loses her wonderful boyfriend.

[HouseKitten]

I take statements like 'keep the mystery' to be more about... being ladylike.

 

For example, I don't fart in front of my boyfriend! I'm sure I could and he wouldn't leave me, he's probably think it was hilarious, but for me, that's part of staying the woman he fell in love with around him, instead of turning into a mate he can sleep with. I don't divulge all the details of whenever I get sick, I will NEVER pee in front of him (or the other one....), and I don't tell him exactly where I am, every single second of the day.

 

On the other hand, it's nice to be familiar with someone - although I don't like doing anything too gross with him nearby, we shower together all the time and I often shave in the shower, everywhere. I also put on my makeup on in front of him, little things.

 

It doesn't have to be about games exactly, just... keeping a little bit of yourself to yourself, not in a malicious way, just to protect the image of you as his girlfriend and not, as I said before, as his mate who he also has sex with.

[chelsea13]

Seems like game playing to me

Just be yourself but dont give out too much information

[mfan]

I take statements like 'keep the mystery' to be more about... being ladylike.

 

For example, I don't fart in front of my boyfriend!

 

Yeah, the mystery of wondering what my girlfriend's farts smell like, and hoping to find out some day, is what makes me continue to pursue her

[HouseKitten]

Yeah, the mystery of wondering what my girlfriend's farts smell like, and hoping to find out some day, is what makes me continue to pursue her

 

Haha! It's not intended to be a mystery to be solved, I think it's just nicer to keep that feeling of him being the rough and dirty male, me being the gentler and less.... gaseous female

[givinggirl]

I am the same way. I like to remain ladylike and not do those things in front of the guy, but I don't think that is what they mean by mystery.

 

Like they say to not respond to him right away to make him think you have a life of your own. If I get a phone call or a text, I'm not going to ignore it or wait to respond just so he thinks that. I usually respond to everyone once I receive it. I have my own life, but to me that just seems crazy. Why wouldn't I want him to know by my actions, that if I am available I will respond and if not, it might be a while. I just don't like pretending.

 

Also, isn't it better to get to know someone really well to know whether you and he are going to work sooner than later? If people hold back information, they are most likely holding back the things they view as not so great...what if one of those things is a rule breaker for you, but you don't learn about it until you are 1 year or more into the relationship? Been there and done that many times, although I don't think they were doing it for the mystery.

 

I don't know. I am who I am. At the beginning, there might be things that I think and don't say because I am shy, but once I feel comfortable with someone, I'm pretty much an open book. If someone asks me a question, I will give a straightforward answer.