His mother has told him we talk too much...

[Kerrian]

...which has irritated me very...very much.

 

She's from the generation when the internet wasn't available for personal use, and would communicate by letters...and couples might see one another on the weekend only if they were lucky.

 

And she's been making it fairly known to both him and myself (very unsubtly indeed) that she thinks we spend too much time together.

At the moment, we're apart for a month and a bit - and we've been speaking for 1 hour each evening on Skype.

Which is apparently too much, according to her - and this morning, she went on a tirade of a whole list of reasons why we shouldn't be talking on Skype which left him in tears, and generally despondent for the rest of the day.

Which were, if I believe correctly:

 

- It uses up too much electricity to have the computer on all that time.

(A whole hour!)

- It's not proper communication, and we should wait until we're face to face to talk again.

- We need time apart to let the relationship develop properly.

- He's not paying enough attention to his family/work/other friends/whatever else she comes up with at the time.

 

...and I'm kind of stuck over here. There's not really much I can say - except that all those reasons are pretty ludicrous.

I understand the internet wasn't around in her time, but if internet had been around...they would have used it.

My parents use it - they send messages to and fro every single day while they're both at work. My mother has said to me, "If only the internet had been around when your father and I were in a long-distance relationship, it would have been so much easier!"

 

As for him not paying enough attention to all of the above...it's not fair at all on him. He's spent more time with his family than he has done any other time he's visited home, he's gone to family events, he's gone out places with every one of them and spent the last few days not talking to me at all because he's been doing things with the family.

As for his work - he's completed it all already, and had the highest marks of his entire seminar group...and he's been seeing his friends mostly to do revision sessions.

 

...so I don't know what she's basing it on.

Particularly as she's made it fairly clear that she likes me. I think this is yet another backlash from her son going away to university...but I'm not sure she realises that if she stops us from being able to talk to one another...that's not going to make him visit home more.

 

 

I'm not sure what advice to give him, or what to really say.

It seems like...because he's still heavily relying on money and support from his parents, she feels that she can govern what he does, despite the fact he's an adult.

But unfortunately, being a student and having a large loan to repay does mean that you can't support yourself...but it doesn't give her any right to say what he should and shouldn't do in his own relationship.

 

I'm just a little lost.

And very angry, and have nowhere to really direct that anger, or anything that I can do!

 

...help?

[FathomFear]

How old is your boyfriend? Is he 20? He needs to politely but firmly remind his mother that he's an adult and that she should mind her own business.

[Kerrian]

He is indeed, and I believe exactly the same thing, but as often happens with students staying at home - they control his funds, and without them funding him, he won't be able to put himself through university - so because of that, they seem to exercise some sort of control over him.

When I said he should remind her that he's an adult, he seemed worried that she'd cut off his funds and say that if he was an adult he could look after himself.

 

Which seems unlikely to me, if I'm honest.

 

...and as an update, they've just talked...(I haven't been told anything more specific than that), and she basically retracted everything she said.

 

Which he seems to be content with, but I wouldn't be.

 

People don't just say things for no reason, and if that's how she feels, I'd prefer she explains it as opposed to say, "Oh, forget I mentioned it."

[Batya33]

If your bf is still living at home then it is his parents' business to an extent how he uses the computer, electricity, etc. Also consider that he is sharing this with you because some part of him is also concerned about the very same thing. The amount you communicate doesn't sound extreme to me so I wonder if his parents have other issues with the relationship that they are not sharing. Either way I think it will get much better once you two are living independently of your parents and once you are not long distance anymore. Hang in there.

[LynnM28]

If your bf is still living at home then it is his parents' business to an extent how he uses the computer, electricity, etc. Also consider that he is sharing this with you because some part of him is also concerned about the very same thing. The amount you communicate doesn't sound extreme to me so I wonder if his parents have other issues with the relationship that they are not sharing. Either way I think it will get much better once you two are living independently of your parents and once you are not long distance anymore. Hang in there.

 

I do agree, as long as his parents are supporting or contributing to, they do have the right to their opinions and to communicate them. (This is why my hubby and paid for our own wedding lol, we did not want anybody having the right to an opinion!)

 

Just remember, parents are people too, and thus, far from perfect. Her issues could have nothing to do with you, with him, but just herself. Hate to say it, but as a 42 year old Mom, she could have spouted off to him in hormonal frustration, she could be having trouble dealing with him falling in love, him growing up...anything. If she retracted it all, it makes me think even more that she realized she was off base, and said things that she did not really think out of emotion, and then tried to brush it off...

 

I would not assume you or the relationship is the problem, just be supportive of him as he deals with being home and ride it out unless something dramatic changes...us Mom's can be irrational sometimes

[Cognitive_Canine]

It sounds like she thinks she is in this relationship. He needs to politely tell his mother that she needs to keep her nose out of your business.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Btw, it costs about 200 bucks a year to leave a computer running 24/7. So, an hour a day is negligible in costs.

[Batya33]

but as a 42 year old Mom, she could have spouted off to him in hormonal frustration

)

 

LOL - I'm a 43 year old Mom of a toddler - never thought that my worries and concerns have anything to do with "hormonal frustration" - this really made me laugh, thanks! I'm going to continue living in hormonally induced, irrational bliss -that is, until I'm, gasp, 45 and I'm really all dried up ;-)

 

OP - I wouldn't relate this to his mother's age but just the normal concerns parents have over their teenage/young adult sons being involved with someone they don't know very well in person. I would ask him why he shares all this with you and whether he thinks there is any validity to his mom's concerns (in a non-confrontational way).

[Kerrian]

Just remember, parents are people too, and thus, far from perfect. Her issues could have nothing to do with you, with him, but just herself. Hate to say it, but as a 42 year old Mom, she could have spouted off to him in hormonal frustration, she could be having trouble dealing with him falling in love, him growing up...anything. If she retracted it all, it makes me think even more that she realized she was off base, and said things that she did not really think out of emotion, and then tried to brush it off...

 

I would not assume you or the relationship is the problem, just be supportive of him as he deals with being home and ride it out unless something dramatic changes...us Mom's can be irrational sometimes

 

Thank you for this post.

I'm trying very hard to get along with his mother because I love his family, they're wonderful - but it's been really difficult dealing with the occasional emotional moments from his mother, and I really agree with you that it's a problem with him growing up and moving away from home - and I guess I'm a symbol of that in a lot of ways.

What surprises me most of all is that we do get along very well in person, she and I talk a lot when we meet, and she likes me enough to have invited me to stay at theirs and to come on holiday with them, so she can't hate me that much...but I do know she really dislikes technology - particularly the phone, and doesn't believe that it's a good way to communicate.

 

To answer previous posters - he's not living at home, no. We're both at university, and he's visiting home - but his parents contribute to his living costs, and he pays his fees.

That, and it's his laptop - so he's not using it when someone else could be, the only valid part of that argument is the electricity bill.

 

Either way, I can't say anything because it's not my place to - I've advised him not to cause any conflict where it isn't needed, and to be honest, I'm mostly just confused now...

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's really not valid. An hour a day is probably 16 bucks a year. The 200 bucks a year is for a server, btw. I just realized that. His laptop is not using nearly as much energy.

[LynnM28]

You are welcome. Relationships of all kinds bring with them their own trials, and as a young adult you are in a place where you just need to figure out what works for you. My Mother-in-law is a wonderful person, and we get along well, but we have had our trials over the years. A great book I read that helped me deal with her, and similar issues, is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Easy to find online, very helpful. After I read it my hubby and I addressed a couple issues with his Mom, and everything has been smooth as silk since. If the troubles persist, or you just want some perspective, it's worth the read...for any relationship!

[LynnM28]

LOL - I'm a 43 year old Mom of a toddler - never thought that my worries and concerns have anything to do with "hormonal frustration" - this really made me laugh, thanks! I'm going to continue living in hormonally induced, irrational bliss -that is, until I'm, gasp, 45 and I'm really all dried up ;-)

 

OP - I wouldn't relate this to his mother's age but just the normal concerns parents have over their teenage/young adult sons being involved with someone they don't know very well in person. I would ask him why he shares all this with you and whether he thinks there is any validity to his mom's concerns (in a non-confrontational way).

 

Lol, I LOVE my hormonally induced irrational bliss! Not sure my hubby and kids always do though!

 

But in all seriousness, my Mom is the most easy going laid back person I know...except between 40-50 lol! She has always lived with my husband and I, and we all get along really well...but those years were a little tough! I always know when I`m behaving `that` way, cause my husband smiles and gives me the `look` and asks me what he can do to help lol! And my 13 year old is starting to do it too...the fun never ends!

[Batya33]

Lol, I LOVE my hormonally induced irrational bliss! Not sure my hubby and kids always do though!

 

But in all seriousness, my Mom is the most easy going laid back person I know...except between 40-50 lol! She has always lived with my husband and I, and we all get along really well...but those years were a little tough! I always know when I`m behaving `that` way, cause my husband smiles and gives me the `look` and asks me what he can do to help lol! And my 13 year old is starting to do it too...the fun never ends!

 

Hmm - I chalked up those increased emotions, etc. to being pregnant and then a new mom - you gave me something to think about! To go back on topic (or not veer too far off) I think this is helpful for the OP to keep in mind as far as where this could be coming from,but even if it is coming from an irrational place, realize that if you marry this guy or end up with him long term having a positive relationship with his mother will make things SO much easier whether or not he is particularly close with her.

[Kerrian]

Definitely!

And I would like to have a good relationship with his mother, she's a lovely person - and his family are great...but it's difficult when you sometimes feel like you're being viewed as the enemy without having done anything!

 

But, I shall be trying my hardest to keep it as a positive relationship, so hopefully things will work out for the best!

 

Thank you for all the replies, it's been very, very useful to get some feedback.

[Batya33]

Definitely!

And I would like to have a good relationship with his mother, she's a lovely person - and his family are great...but it's difficult when you sometimes feel like you're being viewed as the enemy without having done anything!

 

But, I shall be trying my hardest to keep it as a positive relationship, so hopefully things will work out for the best!

 

Thank you for all the replies, it's been very, very useful to get some feedback.

 

You sound like a real gem and I hope she realizes how lucky her son is to have found you. Good luck!

[Undyinglova]

lol i agree with lynn. the mom's been there his entire life. for some mom's it can be hard letting go of their kids, especially if its their only kid.

if she apologized... that already shows that she knows whats going on. so forgive her, dont brood over it and move on.