Hello, I need advice please... (long)

[enigma19]

Hello all... hope this is in the right forum... where to start... not exactly sure where, so I'll just blab out everything... Basically I'm talking to this girl and want to get serious... she's not ready.. but anyways I'll provide as many details as I can, hopefully it will help generate better replies or something.

 

First of all I'm a male in my 20s. I graduated with my bachelors degree, but am looking into going back to school for something else. I am also currently unemployed. I've been single for about two years or so. I hate to sound conceited but modesty aside I'm a pretty attractive guy that garners a lot of attention from girls - I'm just very picky. I'm not the type of guy who will mess with girls' heads and * * * * myself out - I don't want to waste my time and potentially hurt somebody, and I don't want to waste their time/efforts either. Obviously looks don't mean everything and I consider myself to have a pretty good personality. I'm a very nice guy and get along with practically everybody. People generally think that I'm a ladies man and handle relationship stuff with ease, but that's far from true. When I finally find someone that I like, I kind of turn into a hopeless romantic.. a sap if you will.. can't stand it, but hey that's who I am I guess.

 

Now onto the girl and the situation. She's the same age as I am. She's working full time + going to school. Her ex-boyfriend of 4+ years left her around Dec/Jan. She says that she still loves and is still hurt by the situation but insists she doesn't think it will work. She thinks that the guy really only loved her because she supplied/provided him with everything he needed, bailed him out on everything, etc.

 

We met in February and have been talking/dating since then.. things go smoothly.. we see each other roughly twice a week, speak daily via texts/phone calls... however, I definitely have more feelings for her than she has for me - which is obviously a problem. Now I understand that she's fresh out of a relationship where she was left by a man that she loved - someone she discussed marriage and kids with - certainly a big deal. She's also told me and re-iterated to me many times that she has her guard up... perfectly understandable. I'm trying to break that ish down

 

However I think it's time for me to put myself and my emotions into consideration. It hurts me to feel like I'm always willing to go out of my way to see this girl whenever she's up for it. I'm willing to see her even if it's for a little bit, regardless of the scenario. Her on the other hand there's always some type of issue and doubt when I ask her to see me - which thus led me to telling myself never to ask her again (of course I slip all the time ;D ) . Sometimes it's school, being tired from work, and whatever - all perfectly acceptable "excuses" if you will. She knows though that I would go to see her - even if it was just for like 15 minutes... I guess I would just like to hear yes, I definitely want to see you for a little bit... I want her to at least sound like she wants to see me.

 

I guess I feel like I'm being kept around for my companionship, and that my time/effort/emotions may ultimately be wasted. She does tell me that down the line she can definitely see herself with me - her complaints about me include not liking the fact that I don't know what I want in my life and am unemployed (doesn't want to end up babysitting me and stuff like her ex, which is why I mentioned that background info on myself earlier). As of now she says she wants to continue doing what we're doing, enjoy each others' company and proceed slowly. She tells me things like "If you ever find someone else you may want to speak to, don't let me hold you back." Obviously that isn't really something you want to hear from someone that likes you, right? Because doesn't that probably means the same for them?

 

Basically I just feel like I need more. I don't want to force this girl in any way to be with me... I definitely don't believe in that... I want whoever I'm with to be want me naturally and genuinely. But yeah I really feel like I'm trying too hard in this thing, and it's not even close to being reciprocated. Maybe I'm trying too hard? I just really hate this feeling of liking someone, and that girl liking me too, but not as much... I just want to be feel cared about... and have confidence that it will definitely go somewhere... and that my time and efforts won't suddenly be dropped like nothing out of the blue. Yes I know, I'm such a sap haha.

 

As you guys can tell, I'm obviously confused and need advice... my plan was to ride this week out, and see how it goes... and then if I started feeling "neglected" or whatever I'm going to tell her that we need to stop talking... and explain to her basically using the material in the above paragraph haha.

 

If there are any other details that are needed (hard to believe haha) please do ask..

[Is]

You have come to the right place, people here are very considerate and joined to help those who help back. This site has helped me twice and I try to help back.

 

Back to the solution:

 

From what you told me, it looks like your girlfriend thinks she not good enough for you. You are person who has a degree, but without a job. Don't worry about the job, The job market is in shambles. I have friends with bachelors degree also that are without jobs. Also your girlfriend is more focused on school than the relationship itself which causes a gap between your relationship.

 

"If you ever find someone else you may want to speak to, don't let me hold you back." - This quote worries me the most, as it might imply that she is not good enough and/or the time is not right.

 

My best guess is:

 

The lack of time to be together is the biggest downfall. Your girlfriend is too committed in her studies and work more than you. Given the situation there are not many options to go forth. Honestly, it is not wrong that she focuses her study more than you, but we all make sacrifices.

 

"If you ever find someone else you may want to speak to, don't let me hold you back." This sentence might close the deal.

 

Final Verdict:

 

You and your girlfriend's heart is at the right place, but the situation and time is not at the right place and time. It will become a big struggle to overcome the "school situation" and time. I think your girlfriend has already decided that it will not work out because of the current situation and waiting for you to make the first move.

[enigma19]

I"s, thank you for your reply.

 

Unfortunately, however, I am certainly sure what you said is not the case. She is a very confident woman, and I'm sure she does not feel as if she's not good enough for any particular man. In fact, I think it's the complete opposite. She does not like the fact that I am uncertain about my future and am confused about what I really want to pursue as a career.

 

I do agree that our lack of time together is our biggest downfall. Whenever we hangout, things always go well, and she seems to get closer and closer to me. However, the reason that we don't hangout enough is because of her. I am always open and push to see her; but she is somewhat reluctant and doesn't seem to yearn for time together the way that I do. Some examples of the things she would say include "I don't know if today is good, I'm really tired and the weather is really ugly out - Yeah we'll probably see each other on Wednesday, but it's really weather dependent - I MIGHT see you on xxxday, but it depends on what happens with so.and.so, I haven't seen him in a long time." Stuff like that hurts me because if I was in her position, I would surely make time regardless of the situation, or at least show a little more passion or something. It's not like I want to see her everyday or anything, I'd be happy with like 3 times a week. Of course I am not pushy with my requests though, and I am patient with her and always hope that she will come around. I keep my frustrations to myself and definitely do my best not to overwhelm/suffocate her. It feels as if we always take two steps forward, and one step back... and lately it's been many more steps back.

 

I feel like the issue is she just doesn't like me as much as I like her. I'm certain she has feelings for me, just not on the level I'd like them to be. Otherwise she would try harder to accommodate me into her schedule - even for a little bit. I know there is a possibility that in time her feelings for me will continue to gradually grow - she has even said something along those lines herself. However, it is far from a certainty, and I feel as if we may continue doing what we're doing at the same level. I mean I can be patient and just hope for the best, but there's also a strong possibility that at any point and time she may just decide she doesn't even want to date me anymore for whatever reason. With anybody else that would be perfectly fine, but with this girl it's different. I've invested a lot of effort and made myself vulnerable to her - I care about her a lot. I absolutely hate being looked upon as an option when I view her as a priority. I am a rather insecure person, and lack strong confidence. I don't like the idea of her potentially dropping everything with the snap of a finger and not caring much about it.

 

So the question is, what should I do from here on out? I do obviously want to keep seeing her, but I don't want to jeopardize my sanity at the same time. Should I really continue on with the way we've been, "enjoying each other's company" as she would say?" I mean she doesn't leave me much of a choice... but I just don't want to continue on knowing that my level of feelings for her is significantly higher than the other way around. I guess ideally speaking I just wish I was able to sweep her off her feet and make her forget about her ex-bf right away, that she shared the same strong feelings for me as I do for her, etc.

[Is]

I hate waiting, but I think you should wait for now. Maybe as time goes advances you might receive evidence and clues for your next approach.