Definite disqualifications with online dating

[newwave]

Yeah I was thinking between 40-55...

 

My boyfriend is 57 and I'm 20 but I have to say, it's not for everyone so I can totally understand. He's been married but was a stepdad, so no biological kids. They are all out with their own families and now it's just me and him.

 

I am just curious, is it "no kids" in general, or just "no biological kids"? In my mind, there's a pretty big difference between those two, but that's me.

 

You could also consider dating younger men. I know a few women who are very happy with younger men...the men they are with are very mature, wise beyond their years, and have far less baggage.

 

Depends on the whole kid issue. If they were kids he adopted as a single dad I could handle this. In fact, it would be kind of interesting to date a guy who had kids like this because he likely would be open to biological kids. Same if is was raising niece/nephew, etc. I don't know if I would date a younger guy, probably depends on his age.

[Batya33]

Depends on the whole kid issue. If they were kids he adopted as a single dad I could handle this. In fact, it would be kind of interesting to date a guy who had kids like this because he likely would be open to biological kids. Same if is was raising niece/nephew, etc. I don't know if I would date a younger guy, probably depends on his age.

 

So you would be comfortable knowing that there was no other parent in the picture so that he would have even more responsibilities towards the kids (of course there are situations where the other parent is MIA but usually there's some kind of joint custody or visitation by the other parent).

 

I'd be careful about the "wow that would be interesting" - the novelty likely would wear off once you examined and discussed why he decided to be a hero to these kids and then the reality of being supportive of someone who had this awesome responsibility would set in. You might love it - but since you already said you didn't want to be a stepmom can you imagine being comfortable with this situation?

 

(And I wouldn't assume that someone who adopted children would be open to having biological kids - people don't just choose to adopt because they can't have biological kids, nor would it mean that he would jump at the chance to have more children just because they would have his DNA -- he might decide that the kid/kids he has need his undivided attention, not shared with other children)

[Godless_Heathen]

For religious purposes I really don't usually like divorce either because in some cases it's because he decided to walk away.

If your reasons are religious, of course there's nothing more to be said about it. But if you're talking about pragmatic reasons, you might want to reconsider the "divorced" as a way ruling someone out.

 

You argue that a guy who has been divorced doesn't want to marry again, but you could also argue that a guy who has made it to his 40's without getting married doesn't want marriage. At least the guy who is divorced has demonstrated that he was willing to do it once, rather than avoiding commitment his entire life. Frankly, I don't think either argument holds water. I don't think you can really deduce much about why a guy is divorced, or why he never married, merely from the fact he's divorced or unmarried. It depends entirely on him and his reasons. For every guy who is divorced because he walked out on his wife, there's a guy who is divorced because his wife cheated on him. For every guy who is not married because he shuns commitment, there's a guy who never found the right woman.

 

The "big wedding," "first wife" things - these are things that are nice to have, but shouldn't prevent you from dating someone who is otherwise the right person for you. As I said, it's important to understand what things are actual deal-breakers, and what things are just things that you'd like but won't really affect your long term relationship.

 

Yes, finding guys without kids is very hard, especially at my age.

This is all the more reason to distinguish between "must haves" and "like to haves." In both directions - as Annie said, you also need to understand the absolute disqualifiers, so you don't spend a lot of time and emotional energy on something that's never going to work out.

 

I've even been rudely asked "why I don't want them" and maybe "I'll change my mind with the right guy hint hint" ugh I hate that!

Even though I do want kids, I agree that this is very rude. For some reason, on certain issues (desire for children, religion) people can be extremely blind to differences, and assume that everyone should be exactly like them, and if you feel differently, there's something "wrong" with you.

 

Yes I have found that "fun" can mean "sex" as well.

Well, I must admit that you could describe me as "fun loving" in that way as well. ... though that's not all I'm seeking.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I know, the kids issue is a tough one!

 

I mean, when I was on dating sites, I would get questions a lot. I may as well just put up on my profile "Hey, I have PCOS - my ovaries are messed up. I've made a medical choice not to have kids. Got it?" because people were so rude.

 

I think it's fine that people want to have kids, it's just not for me. You know what I wonder...everyone asks me "why don't you want kids?"...perhaps I should be asking instead "Why do you want them?" No one asks that.

If one is going to have kids, I think one should do it for loving, self-less reasons.

[newwave]

No, the without kids is a must, not a nice to have. The never married is pretty much a must have as well for religious reasons. I am Catholic and pretty much against divorce. I have dated divorced guys and never again in most cases. I don't want to deal with an exwife under any circumstances.

 

 

 

Yes I could probably deal with a guy who had adopted kids as a single dad because they aren't his kids and he has no exwife. If we married I wouldn't be the stepmom. Of course this would all depend on the circumstances as well. If he just wanted adopted kids it would likely depend on if I can have kids. This situation is rare though. The only time I've come accross it is a guy raising his niece and nephew. He did want his own kids.

[Billy Ray]

People who lie online. Thats a big no go

[newwave]

People who lie online. Thats a big no go

 

I've walked out on dates because of this. Normally I'd give at least 15 minutes to chat, but if they lied I am out the door. I don't give them a chance because if they lied from the get go they'll lie over anything.

[Billy Ray]

I've walked out on dates because of this. Normally I'd give at least 15 minutes to chat, but if they lied I am out the door. I don't give them a chance because if they lied from the get go they'll lie over anything.

 

Thats true...i can't stand a liar.