Definite disqualifications with online dating

[newwave]

What are things that would automatically delete someone who contacted you?

 

1) Very brief comments not saying much. Yeah, had many guys contact me and just say hi. When I emailed them back they would write something small too. Ok a couple of times, but when email after email are full small words, not worth my time.

 

2) Awful grammar. Spelling words wrong, or writing something like "u" or "r" would get you automatically deleted. Also using gangster slang gets your message deleted immediately. I realize while typing fast you will make mistakes. Not talking that. Talking whole sentences that look like what a kid wrote.

 

3) You're not what I am looking for. In my profile I state no kids. I might be a mother eventually, but will not be a stepmom. If you write me a nice message, I'll write you back and say don't bother. If you send me a stupid note, then I probably won't respond. I've had so many guys complain about this, but sorry, I am not budging. I do not want to be a stepmother.

 

4) You lie in your profile or your message. If you are obese, don't list yourself as "average". You're not. Also, don't tell me you work one job, but really do something else.

 

5) You live in another country. Sorry, I'm not doing the long distance thing. This is epecially true if you live in an Arabian country. Yep, have gotten email from Saudi Arabia. No way am I getting involved with you in any way, including even friendship.

 

Anything else get automatic deletion? I am not a fan of online dating so I admit my views are jaded.

[sidehop]

There's nothing wrong with being specific and being honest about what you want. I feel strongly about #1, #2 and #4 you mentioned. I was pretty open to children and distance before I met my wife. As for #5 it really depends on the cultural background, some differences are good but too much of a difference could cause a conflict in my opinion.

 

There are a lot of reasons I would never consider or be very cautious when it comes to online dating & profiles. For me just to name a few...

 

Smoking and use of recreational drugs would be a big red flag for me. Drinking at most would be on a social level, not someone that drinks 'casually' at home everyday.

 

If someone doesn't like animals or enjoy outdoor activities I probably wouldn't consider going further than checking out their profile.

 

Both kind of goes with what you said about being 'average'. Not just for physical appearance but someone that truly cares about their own health and have the initiative and responsibility in taking care of the body.

[newwave]

Yeah animals are a big thing for me. I could never date anyone who hates animals. Children too actually. Not sure if I'll have kids, but guys who hate kids (there are many out there that do) is a disqualification too. That's why I ask guys when they say they don't want kids. If they say because they are too expensive they may change their mind. If they say because I hate them, then I can't imagine they would change.

[sidehop]

Open minded individual is a big thing for me as well. Politics, religion and views about people in general, they have to have an open mind and accept people for who they are.

 

Another thing that I personally would be cautious about is someone with dysfunctional family. Especially the parents. I don't want to judge but in general you can really tell a lot about the person by getting to know their parents.

[Fudgie]

Oh gosh, there are so many things for me...

 

-bad grammar = instant no

-wanting/having kids (I don't want kids, can't have them, and don't want to be a mom)

-hating animals

-"fun loving"..."adventure"..."exploration"..."good times"..."fun"..."outgoing"..."bubbly"..."social" are NOT good keywords for me. These indicate to me that the person would like to go out a lot and is very outgoing, and I'm not. I'm a homebody. We wouldn't jive.

-excessive drinking/drugs

-ANY sort of criminal record

-Not looking for a job if you're unemployed

-not graduating high school

-not into reading/writing

-excessive tattoos/piercings

-"Me Macho. Me like sports. Me like women. *chest beat*" Ugh.

-any guy who just wants sex

-any guy who wants me to sit home and be a housewife! yuck.

 

It's amazing that I have found a guy with my standards.

[ToF]

newwave,

 

I've read several of your posts, and you tend to talk a lot about what you don't want in a SO. You've got me really curious about what you do want? What do you look for?

[jengh]

-Conservatives... I'm extremely liberal and while I completely respect your political views, it gets really messy when you try and date someone who is your opposite politically.

 

-Poor spelling and grammar.

 

-Generic messages

 

-Only saying I'm "hot" and not actually reading my profile

 

-Myspace angle pictures. One or two are okay, but also show you have a life outside the computer. A picture with your friend or a pet even. NOT YOUR CAR.

[annie24]

guys who were much older or younger than what i stated i was looking for

 

guys who were outside the geographical range i was interested in. maybe if he was 40 miles out of my radius and he seemed very interesting, i would write. but i wasn't looking for a long-distance romance either.

 

politically conservative men

 

guys whose profile seemed 'sleazy.' too much of an emphasis on sex, or photos with 5 babes hanging off of them. like, if you have so many women that want you, why are you on link removed?? leave me alone.

 

a guy who didn't take the time to read my profile.

 

writing 'kewl' instead of 'cool.' c'mon, you're 35!!! a few mispellings here and there isn't a big deal to me, but don't sound like you are 11.

 

guys who were very very overweight. i did state i liked average or toned men.

 

guys who looked like the cookie monster. oh yes, plenty of those! unkempt looking. like, no thanks.

[newwave]

newwave,

 

I've read several of your posts, and you tend to talk a lot about what you don't want in a SO. You've got me really curious about what you do want? What do you look for?

 

Not much anymore. Awhile back I posted what I wanted in my 20's and it was long. My wants for a guy are these:

 

Never married/no kids. The never married I may be able to bend depending on the circumstances. The no kids is a definite, unless they were relatives he's raising (dated a guy raising a niece and nephew) or if he adopted kids as a single dad (no exwife though).

 

Loves animals and kids. The animals was a definitely for me, and the kids is a recent one. I used to date guys who didn't like kids, but couldn't now even if we never had kids.

 

One with the same values and morals as me. I want a guy who wants more than sex, for instance. On the other hand I want a guy who won't be a chauvinist man and think certain things are "women" jobs (ie housework) and won't expect me to stay at home. Actually, most of these sum up what I want:

 

 

Oh gosh, there are so many things for me...

 

-bad grammar = instant no

-wanting/having kids (I don't want kids, can't have them, and don't want to be a mom)

-hating animals

-"fun loving"..."adventure"..."exploration"..."good times"..."fun"..."outgoing"..."bubbly"..."social" are NOT good keywords for me. These indicate to me that the person would like to go out a lot and is very outgoing, and I'm not. I'm a homebody. We wouldn't jive.

-excessive drinking/drugs

-ANY sort of criminal record

-Not looking for a job if you're unemployed

-not graduating high school

-not into reading/writing

-excessive tattoos/piercings

-"Me Macho. Me like sports. Me like women. *chest beat*" Ugh.

-any guy who just wants sex

-any guy who wants me to sit home and be a housewife! yuck.

 

It's amazing that I have found a guy with my standards.

 

Sadly, the guy I want fits every single thing I want. This is why I hope he comes around eventually because he's the only guy I've wanted who literally fits every qualification. He would be an excellent husband and father too if that happens (though he states he doesn't want those, but he did many years ago).

[Godless_Heathen]

-"fun loving"..."adventure"..."exploration"..."good times"..."fun"..."outgoing"..."bubbly"..."social" are NOT good keywords for me.

I get some of those, I'm not much into travel or the outdoors myself, though I can be flexible if pressed. But "fun?" Who doesn't like fun? Maybe I should post an ad claiming I'm "fun-hating," see what sort of responses I get.

 

-"Me Macho. Me like sports. Me like women. *chest beat*" Ugh.

Me not macho. Me find sports boring. Me like women, though.

 

guys who looked like the cookie monster.

How about Animal?

 

Spelling words wrong, or writing something like "u" or "r" would get you automatically deleted.

This sort of thing makes the writer look like a complete idiot. I find it appalling how common text-speak is in ads.

 

The never married I may be able to bend depending on the circumstances.

I've never quite gotten this criterion. Yeah, yeah, no one wants someone hung up on an ex, but being divorced or widowed is no guarantee of that. In fact, I don't think it's even that common, provided they've had sufficient time to recover.

 

In fact, when I see this as a criterion in an ad, it makes me hesitate. It's an indicator she doesn't really know what things are important to a lasting relationship and what things aren't. Sort of like specifying hair color or eye color.

[Fudgie]

I get some of those, I'm not much into travel or the outdoors myself, though I can be flexible if pressed. But "fun?" Who doesn't like fun? Maybe I should post an ad claiming I'm "fun-hating," see what sort of responses I get.

 

 

Me not macho. Me find sports boring. Me like women, though.

 

"Fun" typically means that you like things that others consider "fun". You like excitement.

 

Let's name some things that others may find "fun": going out w/ friends, laser tag, going out in groups of people, dancing, late nights out, concerts, etc.

I don't like these things. What I find fun isn't considered fun for most. So I can't be misleading and say that I'm "fun" when I'm not for most people. That's false advertising.

 

TONS of people are "fun" and want to seek out people who are also "fun". I'd be doing them a disservice by contacting them when I know that I don't have the same "fun" mind-set.

 

My boyfriend essentially had his profile as "I'm busy. I'm quiet. I like to read. I do not go out unless I need to buy stuff." and I was very attracted to that because that sounds like me.

 

If you put yourself as a serious, hard-ass then you'd probably get responses from people like me...workaholic androgenous females who don't take crap from others. Whether that's a bad thing or not is up to you.

 

Liking women isn't a quality of being "macho". It's all about how a guy treats a women. Respect is key. A guy who thinks a "good time" constitutes getting a gal drunk, whacking her on the head with his club, and dragging her back to his cave is obviously never going to get along well with me.

[Godless_Heathen]

"Fun" typically means that you like things that others consider "fun". You like excitement.

My point being that while that may typically be the case, "fun" is such a broad term that it's unwise to rule someone out merely for using the word. I'm extremely fun-focused myself, but "fun" for me means board games, reading, and computer games which require a lot of thought (as opposed to twitch-type games).

 

My personal turn-off is the number of ads I see from women talking about how much they like hiking and camping. No thanks.

 

Some women seem to like head-whacking. Not literally. They just prefer that the man does the dragging off to the cave. One woman I was with never dragged me off to the cave, even though she claimed she was interested in being in the cave.

[HouseKitten]

My main peeve was the initial contact message. Some guys put in a lot of work - my boyfriend wrote me a damn essay but there are men who will literally just say 'hi' or maybe as much as 'hi how r u'. I assume they're not looking for much beyond a booty call, but if they were by any chance looking for something more, they've already given themselves a handicap by not bothering to do more. It's not msn. One line answers are not enough.

 

Beyond that when looking at a profile, I appreciated when a guy had a put a lot of work in but just wasn't my type, but some guys seemed to do the bare minimum and then complain that they weren't getting responses. Well, could that be because you obviously filled out the form in two minutes flat?

 

I've always equated a dating profile to a CV. You want a great job, you put in the effort, you spell check, you fill out all the boxes, you play the game. You want a great girlfriend... pretty much ditto.

[newwave]

I've never quite gotten this criterion. Yeah, yeah, no one wants someone hung up on an ex, but being divorced or widowed is no guarantee of that. In fact, I don't think it's even that common, provided they've had sufficient time to recover.

 

For me, never married is for many reasons. For one, I really wish to be the first wife if possible. Second, many guys who've been married have no plans to do it again. Third, it might prevent a big wedding and if he's done it, he's less likely to (though to be fair, I'm not sure I'd want a big wedding). For religious purposes I really don't usually like divorce either because in some cases it's because he decided to walk away. Like I said, it would probably have to do with why he's divorced. Widowed I've never dealt with so I don't know. Incidentally I've dated several divorced men and none of them planned to remarry.

 

In fact, when I see this as a criterion in an ad, it makes me hesitate. It's an indicator she doesn't really know what things are important to a lasting relationship and what things aren't. Sort of like specifying hair color or eye color.

 

When I see a guy specify a hair color I know right away he's probably not looking for a serious relationship. While I think people are attracted to certain types, I would hope that becomes less important.

[newwave]

I had this problem more than anything else. I don't expect a huge email, but a couple of sentences telling me what they want.This seemed to be a big problem on Plentyoffish (one of the reasons I deleted my profile there), along with Craigslist (why I put an ad there I don't know since most were scam artists).

 

Oh, and speaking of these guys, what's with the "friends first" guys? I'm not talking the guys who truly want a friendship that will develop into more possibly. The guy I like is ones of these guys. I'm talking the guys who want a friends first relationship, but include sex. If you want sex, just say you are looking for this because friends first doesn't always mean sex (nor should it).

[annie24]

I liked eHarmony out of all the sites i did the best. i think that the men on there were most interested in looking for a real relationship. most of the guys i met on eharmony were pretty decent (and i knew many of them already in real life!!!!!) i had 2 relationships from eharmony. i never had luck with the free sites. i guess as they say, you get what you pay for.

[annie24]

He would be an excellent husband and father too if that happens (though he states he doesn't want those, but he did many years ago).

 

"Not wanting the same type of relationship I want" is the biggest disqualifier of all though. a guy can be the greatest guy on earth, but if you want to marry and he does not, it's just not going to be a match.

[newwave]

"Not wanting the same type of relationship I want" is the biggest disqualifier of all though. a guy can be the greatest guy on earth, but if you want to marry and he does not, it's just not going to be a match.

 

I don't want (and can't) that kind of relationship now, so I am giving him time. He did want that in the past which is the only reason I am giving time (that and I can't get involved now due to financial). If he doesn't come around in a few months then I'll move on, and will likely get my tubes tied so that I don't end up pregnant by any other guy (I have vowed that if he's not the one I'll make sure I never get pregnant).

[Batya33]

"Not wanting the same type of relationship I want" is the biggest disqualifier of all though. a guy can be the greatest guy on earth, but if you want to marry and he does not, it's just not going to be a match.

 

I agree. Mine were:

sexual comments/innuendo in profile or e-mail

bad grammar/spelling

too much negativity in profile/e-mail (including the dreaded "I don't like people who play games")

Lies about age/marital status - such as listing a certain age/marital status but then "confessing" in the text of the profile what the truth is.

Photos with a fancy car or boat.

Smoker

Not college educated (I always asked "why" and if the response was that he didn't think it was worth it or it was just a piece of paper, that was an automatic dealbreaker).

Did not want kids.

[newwave]

Mine were:

sexual comments/innuendo in profile or e-mail

bad grammar/spelling

too much negativity in profile/e-mail (including the dreaded "I don't like people who play games")

Lies about age/marital status - such as listing a certain age/marital status but then "confessing" in the text of the profile what the truth is.

Photos with a fancy car or boat.

Smoker

Not college educated (I always asked "why" and if the response was that he didn't think it was worth it or it was just a piece of paper, that was an automatic dealbreaker).

Did not want kids.

 

Most of these are dealbreakers except smoking (I am a non smoker) or not college educated. I have a degree but don't care if he went to school or not, as long as he has a high school diploma. Then again I really loathe college educated professional males because they tend to want the Barbies anyway.

 

I especially hate the guys talking about sex before I meet them or even right away. I hate these guys.

[Fudgie]

My point being that while that may typically be the case, "fun" is such a broad term that it's unwise to rule someone out merely for using the word. I'm extremely fun-focused myself, but "fun" for me means board games, reading, and computer games which require a lot of thought (as opposed to twitch-type games).

 

I agree that "fun" is a broad term. Perhaps i'm unwise to see it and then decide not to contact someone, but in the end it saves me time. I used to be more open and contacted people who described themselves as "fun loving", ony to disappoint them when they found out that I Didnt do anything "fun".

 

I'd say 85-90 percent of people typically mean conventional fun when they say they like to have fun. I miss out on the 10 percent who are different but that's really small to me so I don't mind. I'd rather do that then waste time weedling through profiles that bore me.

 

I didn't know that wanting to meet people with kids was a big thing. I have found that meeting single guys without kids and no desire to have them is HARD. I've even been rudely asked "why I don't want them" and maybe "I'll change my mind with the right guy hint hint" ugh I hate that! I shoot back with the "I'm irreversabley infertile so it's not up for discussion. Some manners you have." they all try to back-pedal and then I just ignore them.

[newwave]

I've noticed that "fun" often means sex. I will shy away if a guy asked me about fun without stating what he means. Yes, finding guys without kids is very hard, especially at my age. I either get the guys with kids and never married (I wouldn't even consider these guys since we obviously have different moral views) or the guys previously married and kids. I state to them I have no plans to be a stepmom or deal with that baggage. As for kids, I am not sure, but if I don't end up with the guy I like, I probably will not have kids of my own. I have never met another guy I even considered having a child with and won't have kids unless we are absolutely committed to each other.

[Fudgie]

Yes I have found that "fun" can mean "sex" as well. it's really aggravating.

 

I agree with you - guys w/ kids = no thanks. I have no interest in being mom to someone else's kids. Guys will tell you that "you're a big meanie, my kids are great, and I'm a great guy." I don't care who the guy is, I'm not being a mom to his kids. There are SO many issues to being a step-mom too, it sucks. It's pretty emotionally traumatizing to them and to you.

 

Have you considered older men at all? Many may or may not have married but I have seen many who haven't had kids and are open to the possibility.

[newwave]

Yes I have found that "fun" can mean "sex" as well. it's really aggravating.

 

I agree with you - guys w/ kids = no thanks. I have no interest in being mom to someone else's kids. Guys will tell you that "you're a big meanie, my kids are great, and I'm a great guy." I don't care who the guy is, I'm not being a mom to his kids. There are SO many issues to being a step-mom too, it sucks. It's pretty emotionally traumatizing to them and to you.

 

Have you considered older men at all? Many may or may not have married but I have seen many who haven't had kids and are open to the possibility.

 

Depends on how much older. Many older guys have had kids and that's still a no no, even if they are grown. Plus if he's much older than 50 (I am 39) I feel like I'm dating my dad and that sounds gross. It's funny because in my early 20's I mostly dated guys 10-15 years older and now I have no interest in that. Most of the older guys I've seen on online sites have either had kids, or don't want them ever (and most of these guys don't want marriage either).

[Fudgie]

Yeah I was thinking between 40-55...

 

My boyfriend is 57 and I'm 20 but I have to say, it's not for everyone so I can totally understand. He's been married but was a stepdad, so no biological kids. They are all out with their own families and now it's just me and him.

 

I am just curious, is it "no kids" in general, or just "no biological kids"? In my mind, there's a pretty big difference between those two, but that's me.

 

You could also consider dating younger men. I know a few women who are very happy with younger men...the men they are with are very mature, wise beyond their years, and have far less baggage.