Would not being adventurous in the bedroom be enough for u to call of the relationship

[mia616]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 2 years now. When I met him I hadn't had sex in a while, and he waited for me til I was ready for him. He's a good guy, but not very adventurous in the bedroom.

He doesn't like to kiss me (for long - making out) because he says he doesn't like wet. This is hard for me since I love to kiss. I always try to initiate kissing with him too.

 

Everytime we do it I feel like its just very quick and routine. He does not like oral, and says he doesn;t like the taste. He did it to me once and it was the most embarassing experience. He gagged while he was doing it, and obviously I thought something was wrong with me and cried. This is embarassing to write about, sorry for TMI. Anyway its not like I don't shower or anything like that I just think he doesn't like doing it. He said his ex girlfriends didnt like it, but I wonder.

 

I'm just wondering would you stay with someone who is a good person but not the best in the bedroom? I am young and I feel like I still have time to experiment! I find myself thinking about other experiences I've had with "more experienced" guys.

 

I've written before about this so sorry if you have read it previously.

[metrogirl]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Due to medical reasons, we don't engage in much bedroom activity. I couldn't/wouldn't leave him for that. Even prior to that, he's always been pretty routine and doesn't like to experiment. He's actually quite shy when it comes to talking about sex.

 

If he treats you well and you don't have any other complaints about him, then maybe it's something you two can work out together. It would be a shame to get rid of him because of that. Sure you might find someone else to rock your world in the bedroom and he could end up being the biggest ass on the planet.

[Perfect Dark]

To me that would be a deal breaker, doesn't sound like you have much sexual chemistry. I think he is being a little bit selfish.

[babii doll]

personally i would be out the door. being sexually compatible is important and if your needs arent being met it can lead to resentment, friction within the relationship. have you talked to him about this?

 

when you do talk to him you definitely have to be careful as to not step over the male ego. he might think hes doing fine behind closed doors.

 

my fiance was like this within the first year of our R. we had many of talks (initiated by me, but there was no progress so i left, now we're back on track in this area and hes alot more attentive) def have a talk first and if nothing happens id reconsider your R

[civilservant]

Personally a lack of sex, and no prospect or desire for it to change, would be reason enough for me to end the relationship. That said, itd definatly be something that we need to talk about first.

[BriarRose]

To me that would be a deal breaker, doesn't sound like you have much sexual chemistry. I think he is being a little bit selfish.

 

I agree (assuming he knows how upsetting this is to you). It's like he doesn't care about your needs and/or the chemistry just isn't there.

[agent1607307371]

Personally I don't and could never understand kissing and oral as being "adventurous". This would be a deal breaker for me. These aren't boundary breaking, they're basic human intimacy.

 

I also wonder if your reluctance to start being sexual with him earlier was one of the things he liked about you? Maybe he equated wanting to wait with being unsexual?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If what matters to you is sexual prowess then perhaps you should move on. You will find many many many men who are sexually adventurous and would love to do any position all the time. However, be careful what you wish for...in the long run sexual gymnastics does not make the relationship, there is so much more. Also, you can find a real wild one who will knock your socks off in the bedroom and then several years later once you are married, he no longer has any interest in kissing, oral sex etc. This has happened to lots and lots of men and women who thought they met their sexual match and married them.

 

I do not think this guy is being selfish, I think this is simply a matter of mismatched sexuality. If oral sex makes him gag then he should not be obliged to do oral sex. He doesn't like kissing either because of the wetness...clearly he feels uncomfortable with other people's bodily fluids in his mouth. Not everyone is the same, not everyone is the all sex channel, all the time.

 

OP, does he cuddle with you, does he do other intimate things or is he generally standoffish and emotionally absent. That is a very important thing...one can be disinterested in the swapping bodily fluids in the mouth aspect of intimacy but still like the cuddling and emotional connection part of intimacy. Intimacy is not just about sex...HOWEVER, two people need to be compatible in that regard. It sounds like the two of you are not...nobody is right or wrong in this...it is just individual preferences...so perhaps it is time to move on because there is an incompatibility regarding the type of intimacy expected.

[mia616]

Yes he does like to cuddle, which is very important I agree. He always kisses me on the forehead, and things like that. I think you are right maybe we are mismatched on what is expected. I have talked to with him about this several times, but I'm pretty sure he is not going to change because he doesn't like it.

 

Some friends have told me he is being selfish. Sometimes I feel that way too because arent you supposed to want to please your partner? I never force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. He only tried oral on me once, and then said how he doesn;t like to do it.

 

I don't want to sound horrible, and I know this isn't the most important part of a relationship, but I definitely think it IS an important part of a relationship. I grew up in a family where my parents are still very attracted to each other and have been married for almost 25 years. His parents are quite different and never show each other affection. So maybe it stems from this.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Personally I don't and could never understand kissing and oral as being "adventurous". This would be a deal breaker for me. These aren't boundary breaking, they're basic human intimacy.

 

I also wonder if your reluctance to start being sexual with him earlier was one of the things he liked about you? Maybe he equated wanting to wait with being unsexual?

 

This is my feelings too. Saying to me that you don't like kissing or oral is like saying that you don't want to have a sex life. Those are such fundamental acts to me.

 

I, personally, would not be able to survive in a relationship lacking these acts.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, I don't agree that he is being selfish, I think he genuinely feels uncomfortable with the notion of having someone else's saliva and vaginal excretions in his mouth. He is revolted by it. That is just the way he is. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to please you, it just means that he doesn't like having bodily fluids in his mouth. The big problem is that society has become so sexualized that anyone who doesn't want to do it all the time or do everything and anything is made to feel selfish or freakish. The fact that he cuddles with you is a sign that he is not averse to intimacy itself, he is just not into the whole sex part of things. While his parents may never show each other affection, that doesn't mean they don't love each other. That's the other thing, many people are very showy with affection but that's all it is, a big show. Love and affection come from deep within a person, it is not always about swapping bodiy fluids and hanging all over each other. People have different ways of connecting. Perhaps you and your bf just have incompatible ways of connecting.

[Joshb]

I don't think he's being selfish as poster above said. Because he doesn't like something he's selfish? I give my gf oral all time but she doesn't like giving oral and doesn't...I wouldn't leave her because of it...it sucks but there's other things you can do. She has more pros them cons..you got weigh them out..your never gonna find someone who meets every quality on your list hundred percent.

My gf don't like bodily functions in her mouth but I'd be a fool to end because of that. Maybe your the one being selfish?

[lavenderdove]

If someone is truly revolted by oral sex, they shouldn't have to do it, male or female.

 

But there are other ways to be experimental. You can buy vibrators and sex toys that he can use on you (or you on yourself) during sex play.

 

If he won't even agree to use a vibrator with you, then i'd say he is a bit too restrained for your tastes, and perhaps you just aren't sexually compatible. Some people are perfectly happy with 'vanilla' sex, so it's not that he's bad or wrong, just that you want different things.

 

I do agree that you both need to be satisified though, and if you're too far apart in sexual experimentation styles, then it's best to find a partner you're more compatible with.

[Jd1983]

Is he willing to try other things in the bedroom?

 

If you already see yourself wanting to experiment with other people, then it's probably a good sign that you should re-evaluate your relationship.

 

Personally, I feel sex is very important in a relationship. Depending on the problem, I would weigh my options and see if there are other ways to resolve the issues. If not, then I would choose to end the relationship.

[mia616]

Yes, I get the not liking oral thing... But not even liking to kiss? I don't know if I can handle that. I know it fades away after time, or at least for some people, but he has never liked it. I guess we are not as compatible sexually. And those of you who said he did wait for me, maybe he did think I wasn't that into it. He knows now that I am though.

 

We haven't talked about trying anything else, but I will suggest other things. I don't think I am being selfish I just want to make sure that I don't end up with someone too long who doesn't make me happy. I would do anything for him. We are long distance about an 1 and a half apart, so after not seeing someone for a week you think the first thing they would want to do is kiss you!! Not him haha!

[Jd1983]

Do you talk about the future together?

 

You already invested two years into the relationship, I'd hate for you to realize that he's not the right one for you after another two years.

 

If you honestly don't think that the relationship will work out in the long run, then you should do what you have to do to be happy.

 

There's nothing wrong with this at all, it's just your personal preference.

[Sparkly Eyes]

you two are sexually incompatible. I'm all about the wetness, kissing and oral. If someone didn't like to do them, I wouldn't care how amazing they were in other aspects, I would NOT want to spend the rest of my life with them. Like another poster said, decide how much this is important for you and leave the relationship sooner than later.

[mia616]

No his parents are not affectionate and they do not have a good marriage. If you consider his mom constantly yelling and berating he and his father a good marriage then maybe. Thats not how what I learned to be a good marriage. She has many problems herself- overweight - and just not happy with herself that I think she takes it out on her family- but that is another story!

[In the Dark]

You just have to tell him.

 

You need to find out exactly what issues he has with intimacy even if it hurts you otherwise it's going to stay lingering in the back of your head forever while you are with him.

 

If he will not tell you, then leave.

[babii doll]

You just have to tell him.

 

You need to find out exactly what issues he has with intimacy even if it hurts you otherwise it's going to stay lingering in the back of your head forever while you are with him.

 

If he will not tell you, then leave.

 

the OP has discussed this with him many of times if im not mistaken, she has 2 choices, stay and accept that hes not going to change and her needs wont be met OR move on.

 

id take option B and run with it. eventually your mind will start to wander on whatelse is there. and it appears she has already gotten to that stage of unhappiness.

[In the Dark]

the OP has discussed this with him many of times if im not mistaken, she has 2 choices, stay and accept that hes not going to change and her needs wont be met OR move on.

 

id take option B and run with it. eventually your mind will start to wander on whatelse is there. and it appears she has already gotten to that stage of unhappiness.

 

Hm.

 

If he gave her two options as his answer, then I would go.

That's in no way enough of an answer.[-(

[OptomisticGirl]

If you have talked it with him and he won't change or try to change or at least give it thought, then all you can do is take the step to make yourself happy.

 

Sex is not all a relationship is but it IS a large part of it. You HAVE to be sexually compatable at least some what, or it falls into other areas of the relationship.

 

I lived with sexual frustration for two years. My advice: there is someone out there who will match what you need.