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I always think he is waiting for me to contact him


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Summary: First boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, 4 years. Did fight a lot during the last 3 years of this relationship. After 3 years he said the first time that he wants to be free to be exploring (have other girls) and that he is fed up with me nagging but in the end he changed his mind (we NEVER lied and cheated on each other or anything like that). February 2009, after 4 years together, we had a stupid fight about the car and both of us got very angry and nasty. After that fight he never talked to me again - I tried to contact him 6 weeks long, he didn't reply a single time. That was our "break up". After 6 weeks I stopped trying and didn't contact him again, neither did he. I gues he was just fed up with me...

 

Now, 1 year later...we didn't contact each other at all but I was hoping him to do so since I tried the first 6 weeks long after break up. Now I am tempted to write him a letter since I am afraid he is sitting at home (like I do) waiting for me to contact him and that we are missing our chance to get back together if I am waiting and he is waiting....

 

But maybe I am just crazy and he was fed up with me and is not waiting/hoping for any contact and moved on and I would get hurt again!???

 

How do I know whether or not he is waiting (like I do)!?

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I think you should write the letter but don't send it to him. I could be wrong but I highly doubt that he has sat at home waiting for a year for you to contact him when he broke it off.

 

I expect he didn't respond to you in the initial stages of the break up as he was trying to 'be cruel to be kind' if that makes sense. He probably hasn't contacted you at all as he doesn't want to hurt you. He may be 'exploring' - how would you feel about that?

 

This is purely my opinion, and I don't know your relationship but you probably know this person well enough to know how he will react to the letter if you do decide to send it.

 

One more thing, do you really want a man who you have to chase to get him to be with you?! It sounds ridiculous to me and that's what I have to tell myself every time I want to write my ex an email (he ended it almost 6 months ago despite saying how much he loved me but he wanted to explore). I believe that if my ex ever had a change of heart, he'd make contact with me in some way as he just wouldn't be able to resist if he really loved me. It hurts to think it as he hasn't at all, but it's the only way to keep moving forward.

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It's been a year, so I wouldn't say NOT to contact him. However, the fact that he never talked to you again, ignored your contact and it's been so long I probably wouldn't contact him. In my opinion it's a * * * * ty and messed up thing to do to someone you cared about, but it's his life/choices. If you contact just know there's a good chance he's still being a dbag and you'll feel stupid for contacting him.

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@vinceval: My problem is that after a fight or better to say after "making up" I forget how I felt during the fight and so on. My stupid brain does not remember bad feelings - 1 hour later everything I felt before doesn't exist anymore. So now, I may remember that we did fight a lot but just all the good feelings of the relationship are left over and I can't remember how I felt during the fights....

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@jimmajam: I guess he will ignore that letter once again but after it I will feel stupid and I can tell myself for sure that he is NOT waiting for me to contact him. Maybe I need that proof to move on for good...

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The difference is WE have no choice but to accept it and stay away as the decision has been made for us. I understand what you are saying but he decided to break up with you. Surely if he loved you still after a whole year of not talking to you, he would at least want to know you and would test the waters? Maybe I am wrong but that's how I see it. I just keep telling myself that although I love my ex, I want a man who will fight for me and not just give up when the going gets tough.

I want to contact him but I know nothing will have changed as it hurt him as much as it did me for us to break up but he still did it. If he wanted to at least have me as a friend, I believe I would have heard something from him but I haven't. I guess he could be staying away as he doesn't know how I'll react which could be the same for your ex...BUT if that's the case then that says a lot about them and their true feelings.

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If you feel you need to see how he responds to move on, then maybe you should send the letter. I guess I am just repeating what everyone has told me about all this NC stuff! I would just be prepared for the good and bad possible outcomes. As it's been a year, I expect you could handle any outcome as I would hope I could after a year too

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@jimmajam: I guess he will ignore that letter once again but after it I will feel stupid and I can tell myself for sure that he is NOT waiting for me to contact him. Maybe I need that proof to move on for good...

 

Fair enough, just be sure you mean it. The first 5 months or so after my breakup I said the same stuff. That if my ex treated me badly this time it was it. I would say my peace and leave it be. I would then know... It took me 5 months to finally stop. There has to be an end.

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Ha! Who knows what is right really, if you look at my previous threads I have questioned whether or not to contact my ex so many times as many of us do. I think we just have to do what we feel is right for us and just look out for ourselves and our own feelings along the way

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I am pretty sure now that I will write that letter. Why!? Because I think I could handle a bad reaction or even NO reaction. At least I would know for sure after that and I promise myself if it doesn't wor out the way I hope: it is enough!!!

 

I have come to the conclusion that there is NO RIGHT or WRONG - never in life. There is one way or the other but every way, every decision has some good points and some bad..

 

I will write him a letter telling him that I often think about him and wunder how he is doing and what's going on in his life and that I hope we could talk some day. I will give him my new cell phone number, email adress and adress (I moved to a new place during the last year) and tell him, if he wants to he could contact me. That's all!

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One year is a long time... he could have met someone else, married, had a baby even in that time! Don't assume he is sitting around pining for you... life goes on.

 

I think if you need to write the letter to make sure, do. But it would be better i think to try to call him and talk to him, and see if he will even do it. If he won't take your call or see you, then you know for sure he is not interested, and it is time for you to let go.

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Exback. Contacting him does no good, it serves no purpose. If he really wanted to talk to you, he would of made an effort. But he hasnt. You have not accepted its over. You are still thinking you two are on a break or on an exteneded fight. I wouldnt doubt that at some point in the year, you still refer him to your boyfriend. Or tell people you are still taken. (If I am wrong, tell me but I have a feeling I might be right)

If you want to know the right thing to do. Move on. He is not coming back. Honestly, if I was your X and I knew you had been waiting around for a year for me. I would be very afraid. I would think "stalker" or "obsessed" I am sure you still have pictures of you two up in your room, pics of you two on your phone.

You have to move on. Im sorry to have to tell you that. But it has to be said. If I havent talked a girl in a year, I dont want to be with her. You said you two fought a lot. Even tho he never officially broke up with you. I would think that no contact in a year means its over. There is no chance of getting back.

I know you hurt, I know its your first love and you dont want to believe its over. I know you still believe he will come back. Its called Denial. And it means you can not move on or function unless you say to yourself its over. The letter to him wont matter. He will see that you have not changed one bit. You have not made yourself happy, you have not improved your life. You have not advanced or moved on. You are still in the same exact position you were when he left you. And that frankly would scare him. You probably have not gone out on any dates, talked to another guy, given your phone number out and I hope that I am wrong in all of this. But you must move on. Go make yourself happy. Do all you can for you. Because if you have not changed thinking he will come back. He will see you as the exact same girl you were back last feb and want no part of it. He needs to see you have changed for the better, not as needy, or as co dependent. You need to have your own life and if there is room for your X, then you make room and time for him.

Move on. If you ever want him back, thats the best thing to do is to have your own life. Let him see how happy you are, how you have moved on, then he will look your way again.

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@No1: You are TOTALLY wrong!

 

I dated A LOT and told EVERYONE we broke up. I moved to a new place and didn't tell him, I started studying at university and didn't tell him. I deleted all his numbers, photos, text messages, removed all his stuff and threw it away...everything - nothing left at all. It is not just about "getting him back" but I miss him as a person, too. The person himself - not only the "partner". I am not going to send him needy letters. I am going to contact someone telling him I am curious about how he is doing and what is going on in his life. It is a person I spent 4 YEARS with - that's not "needy", nor "stalking" or "obsessed" after one year.

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If you are calling someone after 1 year as "surprise" he won't answer for sure. I WOULDN'T even if he would be the person to call ME now because I wouldn't know what to expect and how to react - it would be TOO MUCH to handle. I think the letter gives him the chance to react or not - whatever he wants!

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Do what you need to do lady. Don't listen to the last poster. I think he meant well, but the way he said it is all wrong. Anyways, life is life and we make choices. If you feel like writing him, go ahead and do just that..

Cheers

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So now, I may remember that we did fight a lot but just all the good feelings of the relationship are left over and I can't remember how I felt during the fights....

 

thats how most of our brains work, unfortunately....all you remember is the good stuff. But that is not the clear picture...try to remember it more clearly. And if when you do you still want to contact him, i say go ahead and do it ( be prepared not to get the answer you expect tho)....but you only live once!

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