We are breaking up - over money and selfishness....:-(

[mca1975]

Hi all, need to rant. Im so friggin low right now. Everything came to a head last night and we had a big argument. Because for the umpteenth time, he turned around and said he didnt have enough money and took it off me.

 

We were out with his parents for his mums birthday. He was treating her to a meal, but then didnt get enough money out of the bank because he "forgot". He gave me some money he owed me, but promptly took it back again. He does this a lot and it's embarrassing. I have to constantly ask him for money he owes for bills etc., reminders to go to the bank, then something always comes up. He feels that I owe him, because he saved more money than me to move into our home, which we cannot stand now. We have just lost a baby. We managed to get back on track after that happened but then he did something else, by spending an inordinate amount of money on equipment for himself, leaving him short again on rent. I have constant pressure of money on my shoulders, because he is so unorganised with his money and cannot seem to budget, even though its causing big problems.

 

He has spent his life doing that to his parents, right up until present day, but now he is doing it to me. He expects to get bailed out all of the time. I don't have the money to be looking after him. When I tell him how it upsets me and makes me feel taken advantage of, he just tells me I am tight-fisted because he paid for x, y, z (by this he is referring to half of the bills, which is what I pay also).

 

He is incredibly spoilt and selfish, I just don't like who he is anymore. He used to be so lovely and sweet, but he is just lazy, not giving, and he is the tight one who expects to be paid for all the time. I am his lady, or meant to be, I want to looked after a little bit and I am not saying that in the sense that I want things bought for me, I don't want to be relied on by him, like I'm his mother.

 

I cannot deal with it anymore, I have become depressed. He doesnt care how I feel right now, so we have ended it. He is all woe is me and feeling sorry for himself, which is what he always does. I have tried to make him see in discussions, but it seems that he does not know how to have a relationship (a normal one) or how it should be.

 

He can't even make me a cup of tea in the morning, without arguing about it. It is always * * * for tat, like well I made the dinner last night for us - whoop de whoo! well done. It really is pathetic, I lived alone for years and I know how to look after myself and be independent.

 

It has happened too many times and he never listens. I feel so sad though but I have to be happy right?

 

I have become very moody and depressed and have no energy anymore, I used to be full of life....

[OntheWire]

Sounds like it's the right time to move on. Just don't let him suck you back in. People like that with too much self-focus will usually pull very hard using guilt and the past to bring a fleeing significant other back into a damaged relationship. Just don't let that happen...that's really the only responsibility you have now.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Did you two ever see a counselor? I know it was suggested to you in the past but I'm not sure what came of that.

I thought about the "cup of tea" thing. When I was pregnant, yes, I did expect my husband to bring me water when I was close to and in my 3rd trimester because by that point it was hard for me to get up and I was drinking at least a glass per hour to stay hydrated - it was like medicine for me. I give that example because my expectation wasn't because "I'm the lady" but because of my condition which of course he had a vested interest in. Otherwise, I wouldn't expect it other than as the typical give and take of a relationship - not t-t for tat (keeping score as you know doesn't help closeness!), but because we want to help each other out especially when the other has had a tiring/long day.

 

Maybe that "I'm the lady" vibe is irritiating him even if all it means is the cup of tea (maybe he stands on principle a bit too much but just trying to emphasize that what you see as a cup of tea may concern him as "now a cup of tea, what next, all because she's the lady"...)

 

And maybe it's reminding him of your loss - he was taking care of you when you were pregnant - and again I am so sorry for your loss!!! - and now he is reminded of that when you continue to want him to bring you things. Does he feel taken care of enough - not as you being his mom, but in the way you want to be taken care of?

 

I agree that the money is an issue which is why I suggested a counselor. Also I know of many couples who struggle after a loss such as yours so maybe a counselor wouldn't hurt for that reason too.

 

Feel better.

[mca1975]

I can't believe this is happening. He was always so good for me, would do anything, but he says I have made him like this. All I want is for him to be NORMAL and giving, then I would be happy. I honestly have a list as long as my arm of what I feel about him, greedy, selfish, lazy, opinionated, judgemental....

 

He has turned into a horrible person right before my eyes.

 

By the way, he has never lived with anyone before and he is 37. He lived with hims mum and dad right up to three years ago and they spoilt him and his mum still does spoil him, yet she has a go at him all the time for being lazy and spoilt, which is in turn what she has made him be like! It makes me sick!

 

Every discussion or argument is always turned into me being horrible to him or me being wrong. He will briefly mutter something like "I know I can be like that", but then he will pull out a list from his sleeve of 10 other things that he can think to say about me, "youre messy, lazy.... blah blah"

 

It's got to the point where I've said DON'T BE WITH ME THEN!

 

I am very sad about this, all that investment, thought I had found my one true love, have always believed that he truly loves me, up until now..

[mca1975]

Hi Batya. I don't expect him or even ask him to bring me tea, like some queen, every day. Just once in a while would be nice, off his own back. He is quite rude at times, he speaks to his mum and dad like crap, which annoys me a lot. I find it cringeworthy.

 

He won't even make dinner on his own for us, without asking if I can "Help" him. I know that he was brought up phoning his mother from his bedroom for her to fetch him things, food, drink......

 

Believe me, I have tried my best to see only the good in him, and he does have his good points in that he is very loyal to me and faithful. He doesn't ever go out in fact, and actually has no friends and lately he has been wondering why ...

[jilki]

i think it is probably best for you to get out. it appears it is making you very sad and depressed. Ive been there and can be very hard to get out of.

 

a relationship shouldn't be t!t for tat. I do this if you do that. it should cross his mind to ask if you want one or just randomly bring you one. Of course its not expected, but its something people do for the one you love.

 

When i read the post i figured he must be mid 20's. Then i saw your reply. He is 37. He isn't going to change. Sounds like his mom has always been there, picking up the pieces for him, doing everything for him, and he wants you to do the same. And if he cant manage his money at that age, no chance!

 

its unfair to you to be with someone who is constantly dragging you down.

[Batya33]

You've posted many times, for months, about his behavior that bothers you -- yes, you may have believed throughout (but not now) "but he loves me" but the behaviors that bother you aren't new and before that you weren't sure if you wanted to be committed to him (maybe for other reasons but to describe this as smooth sailing up until now just isn't accurate according to what you've written for a long time).

 

Dwelling on "this was my one true love until last night" isn't going to help you figure out what you want to do and how you want to go about getting there. Yes, of course you're disappointed and sad/mad - all of those feelings are normal especially given your loss - and you're entitled to a pity party if that's what you want. But when you've had your fill of that, you're smart, you're insightful - so see what can be done to improve communication. You seem not to want to go the counselor route - is there a reason?

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm very sorry for your struggles... and while most couples have to find their own way to handle the money situation which takes some time my big concern is how how much was done for him till 3yr ago.

 

I'm sure his mother loves him very much and never thought that by living at home at such a late age she was really preventing him from learning how to be self sufficient... she most likely isn't going to outlive him and then what favors has she done him if he isn't capable of living on his own.

 

As hard as it is the two of you may need to live separately for a bit so he can learn to sink or swim... maybe when his electric is turned off a few times he will get a clue to pay the bill.

 

You also have to keep in mind that you've just gone through a terrible loss and those emotions are still real and affecting things for both of you.

 

I wish you luck but from what you describe that is not a situation I would like to be in.

[civilservant]

I'm sorry you're going through this MCA. I guess that as time goes on some couples simply grow apart, and it cannot be helped. I could suggest seeing a councellor as other have, but it seems that you've already taken the definative step to being to move on with your life.

 

In the end it was to be about what you want, and it's certainly entirey resonable to want to be with a man who is able to take care of himself, and you, without needed you to bail him out every 5 minutes. In the end it sounds like a resonable decision for both of you.

 

You ahve already identified that this relationship is changing you for the worse, and that, on its own, really is a reason to end things as they are.

 

I wish you well for the future.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know people like him who were spoiled and pampered and lived with the parents until well into adulthood...and they remained spoiled and pampered expecting everyone to give to them, money, time etc..but were very stingy with their money and time to others. At 37 this is who your boyfriend is and this is who he will remain for the rest of his life...always looking out for his needs and wants, throwing tantrums and yelling the nobody understands and everyone else is being selfish. I think you have done the right thing by breaking up. Being alone is far better than being with a leech.

[mca1975]

Yes there is a reason for not wanting counselling.... because I know that he would NEVER do it. I haven't even asked him b/c I know he would say "he would never do that BS". Though he is moping around today (he has now gone away for the night as we had plans, but he has gone alone), he said he had had enough last night too. However, I think another reason for not even mentioning that route is because I do not have much faith at all that he will ever change his views.... he is extremely set in his ways and argumentative, he is well known for it in fact.

[_Asti_]

Well at 37, odds are he won't change.

 

If down the road, you two do come back together, he comes crawling back, or you two have a conversation and both feel like giving it a shot again..I would say yes, as long as counselling takes place.

 

I think at this point, its time to go your own ways. He wants a Mother, not a partner. He's still very childish, and ultimately very selfish and not very partner-like.

[mca1975]

The relationship with his mother is one that I have never seen before. It is very odd. She dotes on him, but she hassles him so much, she is very controlling. She plays guilt tricks on him all the time and they argue a lot. The bicker like cat and dog and they do this in front of me. I can see why she riles him, I don't think she has any social skills or communication skills, she can be very rude without even realising it. She makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel so sorry for him having to deal with that, and I know that he wants things to change, but the sad thing is, is that he is turning out just like her. God I really care about him, but can't be with him.

[Batya33]

Yes there is a reason for not wanting counselling.... because I know that he would NEVER do it. I haven't even asked him b/c I know he would say "he would never do that BS". Though he is moping around today (he has now gone away for the night as we had plans, but he has gone alone), he said he had had enough last night too. However, I think another reason for not even mentioning that route is because I do not have much faith at all that he will ever change his views.... he is extremely set in his ways and argumentative, he is well known for it in fact.

 

When did you learn that he was "well known for it" - and what was your opinion of it back then? That's fine if you don't want to ask him about counseling - there's no need to do any more than you think is sufficient to try to save this relationship. I think you will find it much more helpful, once you're calmer, better rested, to strip away as much of the drama as you can, as much of the self-righteousness and victimhood and think calmly about what you knew about him when, and why you made the choices that you did despite the knowledge.

 

If anything it will help you in moving on and help you when you choose to get involved (including if you see him again, which from your previous threads it sounds like you might, given the past back and forth).

 

I completely sympathize with you about his behavior and how badly it makes you feel, and how unfair his behavior is, just trying to broaden the balance and perspective when you're up to it.

[mca1975]

I'm sorry you're going through this MCA. I guess that as time goes on some couples simply grow apart, and it cannot be helped. I could suggest seeing a councellor as other have, but it seems that you've already taken the definative step to being to move on with your life.

 

In the end it was to be about what you want, and it's certainly entirey resonable to want to be with a man who is able to take care of himself, and you, without needed you to bail him out every 5 minutes. In the end it sounds like a resonable decision for both of you.

 

You ahve already identified that this relationship is changing you for the worse, and that, on its own, really is a reason to end things as they are.

 

I wish you well for the future.

 

Thank you. This is what is happening. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am seeing things I really dislike about him nearly every day. I have tried my best to make this work but he is having none of it. He will always blame me or someone else.

[mca1975]

Batya, when I first learnt this about him, or knew that he was like that from the start, it was comical to me. We were best friends and it amused me. I know he is a person who has not much self-esteem and that he was guarded by always wanting to be right etc. and also since meeting his mother, that made sense even more for him to be like that. But it's just not funny anymore. I feel a lot of pressure from him, even involving food. I know its an odd thing to bring out of the bag, but his mother has a problem with food, a bit too obsessive on the healthy eating side, and it has rubbed off on him. He is very fussy with his food and if I am preparing it for him, because I want to please, I feel so under pressure.

 

He is a very funny person you see, he has a certain charm and people find him hilarious. I think maybe that hides the darker side to him..?

[mca1975]

And not to mention the issue where he wants to give separate cards and presents from us both on people's birthdays, esp. his family.

 

I dont know if its him wanting to 'take all the credit' for what he is buying them, like trying desperately to please...? God it all sounds terrible now I'm writing it down.

 

I think a couple should give cards and presents from each other, but he acts like its a proposterous thing to do. I don't understand that! We had a big argument about this before and all I could do was just accept that that is how he wanted it to be, but it still bothers me.

[lavenderdove]

If he lived with his parents until he was 34, most likely it is because he is not a particularly independent person, and had most of his needs taken care of at home by being spoiled or not required to contribute much financially. So that is a very long and extended adolescence so to speak, which he may never grow out of.

 

And if bickering is the model in his family, then bickering is what he will do with you, and think there is nothing wrong with it. It is fine with him, but not with you.

 

So i think he is just expecting that you will spoil him like his parents, and that he will bicker like that too. He might be able to find a woman who is just like his mother and be fine, but if you are very different from her and don't want to spoil him or bicker, then eventually you will be miserable (as you are now).

 

When you find the life being sucked out of you by a relationship, the only two answers are to either get counseling and fix what is causing the problem, or leave and save yourself. So if counseling isn't a possibility, then you pretty well have your answer.

 

So now i would shift your focus to the practicalities of what it will take to separate. Try not do dwell too much on the 'what ifs', and focus instead on what you need to do to end the stressful situation of living together.

[mca1975]

Thank you, thats a great post. That is what is happening here. I have tried til I am blue in the face. I have tried to "help" him with these things because I care about him, I know he isn't happy with his life. His mother is dragging him down and its like he can't break away! I am nothing like his mother, maybe similarities in sense of humour, as in I find her quite funny at times as you would a very old lady who has lost her mind and rambles at dinner parties, bit I find her rude and she is a very selfish mother to him. She gives him no space and she also puts his dreams down and is very negative towards him, she doesn't stop talking and gives people no space, but I cannot stay anymore, I cannot live my life like that

 

Thanks all x

[Batya33]

Do you honestly believe that this is all about him? You have no concerns over any of your behaviors or choices in the relationship? You are the victim and the angel who kept trying and trying to no avail? I am not saying the opposite - not in the least (read my previous posts) and I understand you are in a bad situation and want to feel better, but to paint this picture after everything you've written about this relationship just doesn't make a lot of sense and in the long run I don't think it will help you get closure or move on to a healthier relationship.

 

As far as his mother, it sounds like his parents opened up their home to you for an extended period of time when you had no place to go. Does that count for anything? Maybe she ended up feeling crowded, too. Of course she sounds difficult- I don't doubt it - just commenting on the lack of balance in your posts.

[catfeeder]

I think you're smart for getting out. You have zero need to defend your reasons for wanting an exit. Relationships are 100 percent voluntary. When one doesn't work, you're allowed to leave it without feeling put through a court trial. It's not even necessary to make the other out to be a villain--much less to defend your reasons for wanting a happy future with full control over your own finances and emotional climate.

 

I've been in your shoes, and it was difficult as hindsight crept in and opened my eyes to how distorted my own thinking had become in my attempts to cater to another's sense of entitlement. As sad as it was to regret what I'd become in that process, it was liberating and empowering to take my own life back and begin living on my own terms.

 

As horrible as this feels right now, I'll bet your first taste of freedom from this thing will come as a huge relief. Sure you'll have some mixed emotions and grief, but behind it all will be the knowledge that you're back in control of your Self.

 

You're not some therapist responsible for a patient or some parent abandoning a helpless child. This man has been perfectly capable of making choices to work with you to save the relationship, or not--and he opts not.

 

That's all the 'reason' you need to move forward and change the course of your own future. We never get any wasted time back.

 

In your corner.