Please, advice and support needed, feeling low today...

[amandathepanda]

I am posting this on here again today as I'm feeling REALLY low. I have no family or real support and all this happened over the last few days. Please, if anyone has any words of support I would really appreciate it.

 

I have been in a relationship of 18 months with a man that I work with. The first year or so were horrendous, spent with him yo-yoing backwards and forwards between me and his ex, despite having ended with her just after we met. However soon after he began sleeping with both of us, continually lying about it to the point that I only really discovered the whole truth from her after around 10 months. Throughout this year he lied and cheated, and was very brutal in his treatment of both me and his ex.

 

In hindsight, and there are many posts on here about it, I should have walked away immediately. But I didn't. A combination of low self esteem, co-dependence and his ability to lie very effectlvely kept me there and I was pulled through their split with them. I was also very attracted to him, and actually enjoyed his company.

 

Around 4 months ago, things ended between them for good - just after I ended the relationship with him, having got completely sick of his games and being unable to trust him any more. I received confirmation of this from his ex too, that the relationship was over. He then asked me if I would go to Relate with him for some relationship counselling. I agreed, as I felt it would actually be a good way for me to get some support and for him to here directly what effect his actions had had on me. The consequence of this was suprising - we seemed to reach some understanding of each other, and I found myself once again back in a relationship with him.

 

The counsellor was very good, we went for 6 weeks, and she told him very clearly that he must not expect miracles, that my trust will take time still to come back and that whilst it will never be 100%, we could probably get it "good enough".

 

So since counselling ended. I have been trying very hard, I think his efforts

have been patchy. I still have my fears and doubts and insecurities - can I be blamed for them? Occasionally I get the fear he will contact his ex again, or even be unfaithful with someone else, and he is not always as understanding as he could be when I express those feelings.

 

Yesterday however, there was an incident. I was on Facebook, looking at my own stuff, and out of curiosity I googled his exes name. Stupid, I know. Her profile appeared, and I spent some time looking at her photos and wall. This gave me some awful feelings, and my mind was turning over and over thinking about how he only lived down the road from her, did he miss her, just all the insecurities came up inside of me, really strongly.

 

I decided to call him, admit what I had done, admit that it was not well thought out, but ask him for some reassurance. I asked him if he thought about her, did he miss her ever. And he just shouted at me, told me it was a stupid thing to do, that he didnt care about her but he didnt want to hear about her either and that I was a freak for looking at her profile. I explained that I knew it wasnt a good thing to do but that I get insecure still at times, but he just carried on shouting and telling me that he wants peace from it. I put the phone down in the end, and he then text me to tell me that I am the only one digging in the past and to leave it alone.

 

Since this call he has told me he wants to be alone, continually told me I am a freak for looking at her facebook profile at all, has essentially ended the relationship.

 

I feel so low. I wanted to just talk to him about how, in that moment, my feelings caused by the past were overwhelming. If he had just said, "I wish you hadnt looked, but I love you and you really don't need to worry", that would have been enough.

 

Is this me? Am I wrong for still feeling troubled by what he did, for still having doubts and insecurities? For still needing reassurance over this now and again? I feel like, after counselling, he should understand that it will take time for what he did to completely fade away...but he clearly doesn't.

 

Can anyone see any hope for this relationship?

[thatdoggirl]

You aren't wrong for feeling the way you do. The relationship has been rocky all along and you've been unable to trust based on his unfaithfulness. If he's so willing to work things out he should be understanding that you would still have some insecurities about it. It takes lots of time to rebuild trust. When rebuilding trust sometimes reassurance from our partner's is just the things we need to help. His reaction to it by yelling is kind of concerning. I can understand him possibly being upset that you looked and still hesitant on trusting but heck, he should know full and well that it's because of his past actions.

 

Even though it's in the past it doesn't mean that you can flip a switch and suddenly trust everything. I don't know why he reacted so defensively but that would concern me and make me think that either he still has feelings or something going on with him. I'm not sure what advice to give you. I just know that if it was me I don't think I could handle being with someone that I couldn't trust or that won't support and reassure me that they could now be trusted.

[amandathepanda]

Thank you for that reply...I am so full of self-doubt that whilst I can see logically that this is not right, that I am not to blame and that my feelings are understandable...there is a voice in my head (I think it's his voice) telling me I'm wrong, I should just move on from the past and not have these insecurities.

[amandathepanda]

I'm having to stop myself from contacting him, any ideas?

[mca1975]

Meet up with friends, god I don't know, I know its hard, go to sleep?

[amandathepanda]

Meet up with friends, god I don't know, I know its hard, go to sleep?

 

Done all three...yes it is SO hard. Going to sleep helps, except I wake up with my heart pounding.

 

I read your post too and Im sorry for what you are going through.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for that reply...I am so full of self-doubt that whilst I can see logically that this is not right, that I am not to blame and that my feelings are understandable...there is a voice in my head (I think it's his voice) telling me I'm wrong, I should just move on from the past and not have these insecurities.

 

He's telling you plainly that the price of doing business with him is stuffing your feelings about his behavior. He's not going to comfort you. Period.

 

My question becomes, don't you deserve to heal from this and invest in finding someone with whom you can whisper your secrets together? This guy isn't him.

[Ms Darcy]

I am posting this on here again today as I'm feeling REALLY low. I have no family or real support and all this happened over the last few days. Please, if anyone has any words of support I would really appreciate it.

 

Unfortunately, Amanda, the pattern I see with you is that you want external reassurance for your internal troubles. You want him to reassure you, us to reassure you. But you can't gain reassurance about a relationship that your instincts are telling you is bad. We don't need to tell you it's not going to work with him; you know that already.

 

I really think that instead of pursuing a romantic relationship, you should focus on pursuing long-lasting friendships. You need other people in your life so that you don't cling to every guy you are attracted to. Best, hon.

[quirky]

I agree completely with catfeeder and Ms Darcy.

 

What keeps you there? What would you advise a friend if they were in a similar situation? What are you afraid to face?

 

I look deep into things in general but I have found that it's much simpler with guys. They don't understand words, they understand actions. You leaving. You staying. Too much talking and it's lost in the stratosphere somewhere.

[amandathepanda]

Thank you for all your replies, I have taken a lot of comfort from them:

 

I received the following email from him this morning -

 

Amanda,

 

Why this * * * * why uprooting wat just didnt belong 2 our weekend. I bought u face creams, flowers, dinners, cinema tickets, petrol because I wanted ur safety and freedom, a coat with all my love and the joy of spoiling you and wanting to make you feel better with the amount of crap that ur going through. I shared your problems as your best friend, the knowledge of ur financial struggles and always ready to help in my little ways. Why cant u have accepted my anger and disturbance of u looking at something that was part of me for 15 years and that doesnt not belong any more to me. I almost felt like I wanted to see too not because I miss the cow but because it was almost like an invasion of us(me & u). Why and why do u expect me to just be irrelevent to it. We went out and I think we had a really good time and out of nowere the next day with my hangover u tell me u looked at her on facebook. I * * * * ing hate u for it! Why tell me... u are almost pushing her down my throat. Why tell me, why hurt me. How can you possibly NOT see how much I love and care about you, I think you are totally blind of what the reality is; all you can see is the damage , the damage I have done to you and always ready to put it before anything else. All I can do in my life is to live with guilt, and in the meantime Im NOT well I feel ill I cough and feel allergic to even * * * * ing air; dont you realize how hard it is for me at the moment? Im exausted.

 

He really doesn't have a clue, does he?