Jump to content

Emotional/Sexual Abuse.. or Cultural Differences?


nycgirl01

Recommended Posts

his is kinda long...sorry..

 

 

Four years ago, I met a man from Bolivia at my job. We began dating and of course, he seemed wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I allowed him to move into my apartment 2 weeks after we met.

 

Right off the bat, it became apparent that he had a huge sex drive - sometimes 4 or 5 times a night would not be enough for him. At first, I didn't mind it, but after a few months, I got tired of spending every evening on my back, with my legs spread open. Some nights I would be tired from work, and just wanted to read or watch tv. When I would tell him I was tired and "not in the mood," he would pout, and roll over and not talk to me. On these nights, I would awaken from my sleep to find him grinding up against me, or with his hands down my pants. I would tell him I was tired, but he would still continue doing what he was doing.

 

After we had been together about 4 months, he told me he wanted to have a baby. He had been married three times before and had 3 other kids: one he left in Bolivia, one he had with an illegal Mexican woman who had moved out of state, and the last one had died on it's first birthday (this happened a year and a half before he and I met.) I had conflicting feelings about being a mother, but I wasn't completely opposed to it. I had a "lets see what happens" attitude, I guess.

 

Every month, when I got my period, he seemed upset. One time he actually said "All that work trying to get you pregnant, for nothing." I didn't know how to take that. At first I was a bit insulted, but then I brushed it off as a misunderstanding on my part because his English was not the greatest.

 

For my birthday, he surprised me with an engagement ring. He told me I had to wear it always so that everyone would know I was taken. I never wear rings when I sleep, and on the days I forgot to put it on before I went to work, he would ignore me for most of the day, then later, accuse me of not loving him and not wanting to be with him anymore.

 

We used to text each other a lot while we were at work. One day, I was really busy and didnt have the time to text him. When I finally checked my phone, I saw he had sent me a bunch of rude texts: "Where the f are you? Oh, I guess you dont want to talk to me anymore? Answer me. Hello? You too busy talking to someone else to text me?" On and on it went.

 

That night, I told him if he ever spoke to me like that again, I would leave him. He started crying and apologized and swore it would never happened again. He said he was just worried about me because I hadn't texted him back.

 

And he did stop....unfortunately, he began to be rude in other ways. Some highlights:

 

-a guy was standing on the street outside my job (in Manhattan) with flowers. When I walked out of work, my boyfriend grabbed my arm and kissed me really hard in front of the guy. Then, as he led me away, he demanded to know who the guy was and why he had flowers. He thought I knew the guy (I didnt) and he made me walk past him numerous times so he could see if the guy made eye contact with me.

 

-one day when we were in the subway station, a guy was checking me out. My boyfriend got mad, and asked me if I knew the guy. I told him I didnt and he said that I must know him or else why would he be looking at me?

 

-I opened the window to air out the apartment, and he accused me of keeping it open so I could look at men outside. Everytime I open the windows, he gets mad and slams them shut.

 

- One night after dinner, I neglected to wash our two plates. When he came home from work at 3:30 am, he woke me up and demanded to know what other man had been in the apartment. I told him no one. He said I was lying, because there was 2 dinner plates in the sink. He didn't believe me when I said they were ours.

 

- One day he was snooping through my phone and heard a saved voicemail from himself. He flipped out, demanded to know who it was. I told him it was him. He didn't believe me, and accused me of cheating.

 

-I wear contacts and sometimes my eyes get red from irritation. He always assumes I'm smoking pot, even though Ive never touched the stuff. He gets close and smells my breath. If I have a white-ish stain on my clothes, he smells it and examines it because he thinks it's semen. If I have a scratch or my fair skin gets red spots from itching, he examines them, thinking they are hickies.

 

And it just goes on and on...If Im talking on the phone to my mom and I mention a name of a male family member or friend of the family, I get the third degree. If I'm in the bathroom for too long, he gets mad. If my train is delayed coming home from work, he doesnt believe me. If I don't text 3 minutes after my end time at work, he starts calling my cell and work phone to check up on me. If I pick up my cell phone in his presence, he runs over to see what I am doing. And most bothersome..when we are at a store or at home and he wants me to come to him, he whistles..just like you'd whistle to a dog. I told him its disrespectful, but he says in his country it isnt.

 

Thats the first part of the story....there's more...

 

Eight months after we met, I got pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy, he was the most doting, perfect man..almost. In my last trimester, I was exhausted and getting a lot of sharp pains in my cervix. He would want to have sex, and I wouldnt because not only was it uncomfortable, but it hurt. He didnt care. One night, I woke up to him taking my pants off. I feigned sleep just to see how far he would take it. He took it all the way. I was totally disgusted.

 

I had a C-section and while in the hospital, contracted pnuemonia. I was released 3 days later, and for the first week home, I felt so overwhelmed and in pain and I cried a lot. He got mad and instead of trying to soothe me, told me that I had to stop acting like a baby. I told him it was just hormones and pain, but he told me there was no such thing as hormone fluctuations and that I just had a mental problem.

 

I took a 3 month maternity leave, and at night,when he was home with me, he would constantly critisize everything I did with the baby. The milk was too hot or it wasnt hot enough, she didnt have enough clothes on, I wasnt burping her right, wasnt bathing her right, wasnt holding her right, on and on. I began to feel scared to go around the baby when he was around because it seemed like I never did anything right. One day, when i was washing her bottles, he told me to come into the living room. I told him to hold on a minute so I could finish rinsing the bottle. He said to the baby "Mommy doesn't love you, she's too busy to come see what you are doing." Something within me snapped. I stormed into the living room, and told him if he ever told the baby I didnt love her again, I would take the baby and leave so fast, it would make his head spin.

 

Along with unfounded accusations and constant criticism, I also have to deal and all of his superstitions. Garbage cannot be taken out after dark because its bad luck, the curtain in the baby's room cannot be open because if the moon shines on her head, she will become mentally ill, you cant look at a cut or open wound in the mirror or it will become infected, I cant touch my daughter with wet hands because she will get cold and die...etc. It is exhausting keeping up with all of his superstitions. And of course, everytime I "violate" one, it only serves to fuel his belief that I am a bad mother.

 

This Friday, I am leaving him. Oddly enough, what made me finally decide to leave him was not the way he treats me, but the way he treats the women at the daycare. The owner of the daycare requested for us to come in for a conference. I went, but he refused. She told me in the 10 years she had been in daycare, she had never met a parent as rude as my boyfriend.

 

Im leaving, yet, I feel bad. Im not sure if this is abuse, or me being too sensitive, or me not being culturally sensitive. I told him I am leaving (I didnt tell him when) and when I did, he said he would kill himself. He said the reason why he is acting this way is because he doesnt have a car, and that if he had one, he would be happier. He says if he comes with me to Pennsylvania, he will change and we can be happy. I'm not so sure..I only have 4 days to figure this out...I have an 18 month old daughter who loves her daddy dearly, so I dont want to make a bad decision.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This man sounds very emotionally abusive. Some of it could be due to culture because some of those things are more acceptable in hispanic culture, however that doesn't mean it's right.

 

I really believe that leaving him is the right decision.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

These things are NOT acceptable in Hispanic culture, and I am Hispanic. People should stop thinking that we are some kind of wild animals. Read books, travel and avoid making ignorant comments.

 

This is abuse, and more than a cultural issue I'd say this is related to his socioeconomic background and education.

 

Leave...that will never be a bad decision.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

These things are NOT acceptable in Hispanic culture, and I am Hispanic. People should stop thinking that we are some kind of wild animals. Read books, travel and avoid making ignorant comments.

 

This is abuse, and more than a cultural issue I'd say this is related to his socioeconomic background and education.

 

Leave...that will never be a bad decision.

 

I didn't say that it was acceptable, but some things are more acceptable. I lived in central america for a couple of months and had a girlfriend who was hispanic. It wasn't an ignorant comment. The machismo attitude is still very prevalent in those countries.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The machismo attitude is still very prevalent in those countries.

 

and this is directly proportional to socioeconomic background and education...same thing MAY happen in Boston, Paris or Buenos Aires if people involved have low socioeconomic status and education...and although these conditions are more prevalent in the Hispanic world, it doesn't make it a cultural issue.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I was reading this story I just kept thinking "why didn't she leave after this"?

You need to leave this man and that abusive relationship as soon as possible. He is disrespectful, emotionally and sexually abusive. He has no right to "grind" at you if you say NO. I don't care if he is a boyfriend, husband or whatever.

Only a complete moron would say to their child the mother doesn't love her. I'd have kicked him out right there and then.

 

He is putting you down, belittling you, abusing and God know what else there is that isn't mentioned on here.

I have to ask does he have residency in the US?

 

What I am curious about is after the way he treats you on the street, after work, the train all those examples why in the world would you stay with him?

This man is disrespectful, he whistles at you instead of speaking and makes accusations where there are no valid reasons.

Why have you not left yet? You deserve so much better!

 

I don't care if it's in his culture or not, he is a moron and you need to get out, not in a month,week or few days you need to pack your stuff and just leave.

As far as his car excuse, tell him to shove it.

 

I will say this though, in some cultures women tend to put up with a lot more crap. This is because their mothers tell them they had to put up with it so they've got to also and the whole cycle goes on and on, and the men just get away with it. Luckily for you, you live in the United States of America! Where the law, can protect you and where you are not supposed to be tolerant to abuse!

Use the law and the country you live in as a advantage and do not ever let anyone put you down in any shape or form!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh honey... I am so sorry to hear that life is turning out like this for you!! You have very much made the right decision to leave... now you just need to gather all your courage and follow through with it!! You need to walk away from him and never look back and I would never normally advocate cutting a father out but I think you need to protect your daughter from this man... imagine she grows up with this example and ends up letting men treat her this way in the future? Good luck... stay strong, you are doing the right thing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What BellaStranger says.

 

Please get away and stay away. In any case with his kind of record (makes no diferrence if he came from the Moon) why on earth would you want to take up with someone like that? And let someone move in after TWO weeks.

Abuse is abuse, no matter where it happens.

 

Hermes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is breathtaking that he has got you to the point that you need to ask if this is abuse.

 

Read what you have written and imagine it's your best friend's story. What would you say to her?

 

Just for the record, even if this WAS acceptable in someone's culture, that doesn't mean you excuse it as 'not really abuse'. You just learn the lesson not to stay with someone who does these things, whatever their reasons.

 

Go to your family and don't tell him how to contact you if possible. He adores his little girl?

 

I expect he would say he adores you, how does he treat YOU? Get her - and yourself - to safety.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, he doesn't have residency.

 

As for why I haven't left: You know...looking back, I ask myself the same question, but as I was going through it, it was all so gradual and he always had an explanation for his behavior that made sense. Like when I was pregnant, he would get so upset if I went outside, even to the drug store. He explained his behavior as concern for my well being. He said being pregnant, I was more vulnerable to attacks and muggings and he wanted to go with me everywhere to protect me. I thought he was being loving and caring.

 

After I had the baby, he still got mad when I went outside, but now he uses the weather to keep me from venturing out . If I say I'm going to the store, mall, whatever, he tells me it's too cold for our daughter to go outside, that she'll get sick if I take her out. Yet, that didn't stop him from sitting outside my job with her spying on me for 3 hours in 25 degree weather!

 

When he had sex with me when I was sleeping..thats when the realization that something was horribly wrong hit me. I confronted him about his behavior the next day, and he told me that he thought I would like it, that he read that pregnant women are much more sexually aroused. He likened it to a woman awakening a man in the morning with oral sex..

 

And that is why I got confused...he has a rationality behind his irrationality.

 

What finally woke me up was when my parents came to NYC for my daughters first birthday. They stayed for 3 days, and never once did my boyfriend whistle for me. When he wanted me, he actually called my name (which he couldn't even pronounce because he was so used to whistling to get my attention.) The whole time they were here, he was like a whole other person. Thats when I became suspicious that he could turn his behavior on and off like a light switch.

 

He took a night job about 7 months ago, and that is when everything really escalated to the point where I could no longer pretend that his behavior is normal. Every day, he accuses me of something. I guess he feels like he has lost control over me because hes working all day and all night and cant monitor me.

 

The main reason I havent left (after i realized how he was) is financial reasons..I had a two-year lease which ends at the end of this month. For months, I thought about leaving, but when I asked my leasing company about breaking the lease, I was told I couldnt or they would take me to court to recover the unpaid rent. So..Ive been basically waiting the lease out. I tried to kick him out but he flipped out on me and later, threatened to take my daughter to Bolivia. So..Ive just been biding my time until now.

 

And now, I guess because he knows I am leaving, he is being very sweet and nice to me now.. Which clouds my judgement sometimes..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, he isn't being sweet and nice. He is APPARENTLY being sweet and nice, to reel you in. It is called the idealization/devaluation cycle. But then you know that. You are merely an "object". I am stunned to hear you say that he whistles for you, as if you were a DOG! He has no respect for you, whatsoever, but what is of more concern is your respect for yourself.

 

He can't take your child out of the country, and if he tries any stunt like that you go right ahead and call the police.

 

Again, please read what I posted above.

 

Hermes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, he doesn't have residency.

 

His status in the county for would scream our many, many red flags and that is only the beginning.

 

No, he doesn't have residency.

 

As for why I haven't left: You know...looking back, I ask myself the same question, but as I was going through it, it was all so gradual and he always had an explanation for his behavior that made sense. Like when I was pregnant, he would get so upset if I went outside, even to the drug store. He explained his behavior as concern for my well being. He said being pregnant, I was more vulnerable to attacks and muggings and he wanted to go with me everywhere to protect me. I thought he was being loving and caring.

 

I understand. People make excuses and have explanations for their behavior so he isn't any different. Difference is between him and the average Joe, he is controlling and emotionally abusive. Sadly, you let him do that. Some people at times feel that controlling behaviors is a form of love and protection and at times we can't distinguish the two until we actually realize it at some point. His actions are not that of a loving man or even a protective one at that.

The world is a dangerous place, but we can't live in a bubble. He merely wanted control and he got it.

 

After I had the baby, he still got mad when I went outside, but now he uses the weather to keep me from venturing out . If I say I'm going to the store, mall, whatever, he tells me it's too cold for our daughter to go outside, that she'll get sick if I take her out. Yet, that didn't stop him from sitting outside my job with her spying on me for 3 hours in 25 degree weather!

 

Deep down inside you had to know the way he was treating you was wrong. And the weather excuse is BS, you know this and I know this. He just wanted you locked up inside so he could boss you around.

 

When he had sex with me when I was sleeping..thats when the realization that something was horribly wrong hit me. I confronted him about his behavior the next day, and he told me that he thought I would like it, that he read that pregnant women are much more sexually aroused. He likened it to a woman awakening a man in the morning with oral sex..

 

And that is why I got confused...he has a rationality behind his irrationality.

 

There is no excuse for what he did and no way is it rational. Thinking you would like it and asking are two different things, he never asked you, therefore he presumed you would. As for what he likes is his own problem, a lot of men like different things, they don't force it upon women they love. I call this sexual abuse, because it is!

 

 

What finally woke me up was when my parents came to NYC for my daughters first birthday. They stayed for 3 days, and never once did my boyfriend whistle for me. When he wanted me, he actually called my name (which he couldn't even pronounce because he was so used to whistling to get my attention.) The whole time they were here, he was like a whole other person. Thats when I became suspicious that he could turn his behavior on and off like a light switch.

 

Typical traits of an abuser. Acts one way in front of people and another in front of you. He can switch on and off between two personalities and morally it is no problem for him. That way if you were to ever tell someone how he truly is, they would question it, because all they ever saw is that nice man who was oh so nice to you. I suggest you tell your family and good friends about how he treats you and everything he has done to you. That could be very beneficial for you. Never keep things like that quiet and always, always tell somebody else who YOU can trust! Never anyone related to that abuser.

 

 

He took a night job about 7 months ago, and that is when everything really escalated to the point where I could no longer pretend that his behavior is normal. Every day, he accuses me of something. I guess he feels like he has lost control over me because hes working all day and all night and cant monitor me.

 

Those are his insecurities, and he needs to deal with his demons without controlling or pulling anyone down with him. You are a human being, a worthy human being who deserves better. No one in this world deserves to be controlled or monitored unless they have done some major crime.

 

 

The main reason I havent left (after i realized how he was) is financial reasons..I had a two-year lease which ends at the end of this month. For months, I thought about leaving, but when I asked my leasing company about breaking the lease, I was told I couldnt or they would take me to court to recover the unpaid rent. So..Ive been basically waiting the lease out. I tried to kick him out but he flipped out on me and later, threatened to take my daughter to Bolivia. So..Ive just been biding my time until now.

 

Your lease is up now, and you need to move. Move somewhere safe. You can always change locks and throw his junk out, but I don't know how violent this man is, so I'm going to say first and foremost, you need to get yourself and your daughter to a safe place. As for taking your daughter to Bolivia, number one she is an American citizen he can't just up and take her without your consent.

 

And now, I guess because he knows I am leaving, he is being very sweet and nice to me now.. Which clouds my judgement sometimes..

 

Do not fall for this. He is not sweet or nice, he is manipulative and controlling. Don't let him control you any longer. You deserve better. He does not care about you, because if he did hie would not be treating you the way he has.

 

He wouldn't control you, manipulate, abuse emotionally and sexually and he would not be whistling at you instead calling you by your name!

 

Don't be this man's victim any longer, stand up for yourself and use your rights to get away from him. File for sole custody of your child immediately.

Don't wait for anything, do not expect him to change, a leopard never changes it's spots. Why would you want him anyway?

 

A loving caring man would be there for you through anything, he would never treat you as this person does a real man would appreciate you and would use your name, would only have sex with you if you want to and would not abuse you emotionally.

 

What he is doing is not love and you can do so much better.

 

I hope you will do the right thing for yourself and your child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could I just add that re-reading your posts, I would guess that this individual is mentally disturbed, so you must also be careful. Please, please, get in contact with your family (are they aware of what is going on?) and seek their support. You will need it.

 

As Petite mentions above: "Why would you want him anyhow?"

Don-t you think you could do better for yourself that being at the mercy of what sounds like a petty criminal.

 

All the best

Hermes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could I just add that re-reading your posts, I would guess that this individual is mentally disturbed, so you must also be careful. Please, please, get in contact with your family (are they aware of what is going on?) and seek their support. You will need it.

 

I agree with this... your story is playing on my mind cos I'm genuinely worried for you! You should tell you family all your plans and movements so they can be there to help if you need them! And don't be afraid to get police back up if you need it too. Take care... your doing the right thing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are definitely making the right choice for you & your daughter in leaving this controlling, hostile man. Chances are if you stayed, this bad situation would only escalate.

 

I sincerely doubt that he is like this due to "culture" but even if he were- culture is never an excuse for cruelty.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG, sweetie, don't just leave, run!!! I was married to this man's clone (except he's American) for four years. Very, very similar things going on - he was always checking up on me, checking my cell phone, getting upset if I didn't call right when I got off from work, restricting where I went and who I saw, etc., etc.

 

I left twice and both times, went back because he promised to change. The changes only lasted a few months, then things would get worse. It went on until the physical abuse started. That's when I finally had enough.

 

I moved into my own place two months ago, and I feel like I've been released from prison. However, the emotional damage has been done, and I don't know if I can ever recover from it.

 

Please, please leave this guy. He's NEVER going to change. You don't deserve to live like this. (And if he kills himself because you leave, that's his business. You are not responsible for what he does.)

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you to everyone who replied...deep down I knew this relationship wasn't right,

I guess I just needed some validation. And after rereading my original post, I guess that sounds silly. I had looked for evidence of being abused on the internet, and I read all these stories of the man controlling the finances (mine doesn't) and men calling their partners nasty names (mine doesn't) and fights that escalated into physical violence (which has also never happened to me) so because I didn't have all of those "symptoms," and because sometimes, he is an actual pleasure to be with, I wasn't sure if what I was going thru was abuse or if I was being overly sensitive.

 

And to those who inquired: My parents (actually my mom) knows about some of the

More over the top accusations, but not everything. I'm embarrassed to tell her. I grew up in a very loving family and I know my parents would be so hurt to know this happened to me.

They do know I am leaving tho, and they support me. They were not too fond of my boyfriend to begin with, mostly because they suspected he was an illegal alien .

 

So yes...I am leaving. I'm a little scared about being a single mom and the effect of losing her daddy will have on my daughter, but I'm more scared that my daughter will grow up all screwed up if I stay with this man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have courage, NTCGirl. All will go well once you are out of this enmeshment.

Do not be ashamed to confide in your parents, they will understand that it was not your fault, and that in this particular case you were drawn into a situation with a person who probably at first did not show signs of what sounds like mental instability.

 

All the best

Hermes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am a single mom and it's easier than you think. At least you wont have the dead weight of him hanging around your neck and you can actually relax and enjoy life with your daughter. Dont be afraid of being a single mom. It can be hard at times, but it is far better than staying in an unhealthy and abusive situation.

 

I fear for your daughter and I wonder how he will treat her as she grows up. Will she be confined to the house too? Will he forbid her from playing with other kids and being a child? It makes me cringe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...