Stupid move

[robinhood]

Past history: We met each other 6 years ago through a mutual friend and I'm sure she had a crush on me for a year or two. Since we were both very young back then and I honestly felt no attraction for her at the time, we never got together. We have occasionally spoken via social networking sites such as facebook and bebo.

 

Present: A week ago, I met her again by chance through a night out at a local club. Surprisingly, she demonstrated many signs of attraction such as grabbing my hand for a dance twice, and maintaining eye contact + smiling etc. I think this time I have fallen for her but I'm not sure if she still likes me after so many years. We're both in our early 20's.

 

I hate having a crush on a girl because it distracts me off many other useful things... she has popped into my mind every single day for the past week and I actually find it quite painful. I feel the compulsion to text her every day, something which I'm usually very good at refraining from doing. Whilst looking at status updates on facebook, I noticed a picture of her and this other guy very close to each other so naturally, I got very curious and clicked it.

 

From the photo it seemed that they had just shared a kiss but even I wasn't too sure so I texted her something along the lines of "is that a photo of you kissing a guy? i'm so upset now =(". Maybe that was a stupid text I don't know, but I felt like I HAD to send it. My nickname amongst girls is iceman, basically referring to my emotionless state around them, which I take is a good thing. But this time, I literally lost control.

 

She denied it and untagged herself of the photo, which I have no clue what that means. I sent a reply along the lines of "I thought you were a good girl but I was wrong". The next two texts from her were VERY cold with no emoticons or kisses afterwards. It seems like I have insulted/made her unhappy and now I am so confused.

 

What should I do? I want to ignore this whole situation (it seems daft) but she keeps popping up. I don't want to appear too eager either. I'm not sure if I should apologize either for the accusation because I don't think she actually kissed the guy. I guess I was just... a little jealous. How do I tell if she is still interested in me as a potential date? Any probing tests/questions I can do? Man... =(

[sidehop]

I could see why she would be upset especially the last comment about her being wrong as a good girl. It's a bit judgmental in my opinion without really knowing this guy and relation to her.

 

She may be interested but I would honestly apologize if I was in your situation, she's probably upset.

[robinhood]

How do I apologize? =(

[sidehop]

Well, do you feel bad about what you said and why you should apologize? I'm sure it would ease the tension between you two as it's fairly clear that she wasn't too happy about your messages.

[robinhood]

I do feel bad and stupid now =( arghhhh. Is there any point in apologizing? I mean... it just seems like such a stupid move !

[sidehop]

Earlier the better. Gather your thoughts. If you're interested in this girl, you'll have to show much respect.

[robinhood]

Is there not a fine line between respect and being a doormat?

[alli]

Apologizing to her for insulting her doesn't make you a doormat.

 

I was going to give you advice on this situation specifically until I got to the bottom & read the whole thing. It seems like you fear being seen as weak, so you purposefully act distant & standoff-ish because you think that is the only way that people will respect you?

 

Yet at the same time, you occassionally fly off the handle & do something completely in the opposite direction, which tends to be inappropriate. In this situation, you insulted her for a picture which was none of your business in the first place. Even if she had just kissed him, you guys aren't dating. You had one flirty night at a night club; that doesn't put you in a position to criticize or control her.

 

You have two extremes here and both of them are going to be detrimental to you at any chance of a healthy relationship in the future. Even if you fix this current situation with this girl now, that's not to say it's all going to be fine & dandy in the future. I suspect that if you apologize & she accepted it, you would be cold & distant to her at times, and jealous & insulting to her at others. No woman likes either of these things.

 

I'm not sure where your thoughts & behaviors towards relationships stem from, but if this is just one sample of how you behave with women, you need to make some BIG changes, SOON. I'm telling you this because I really hope you will find some way to do this & give yourself a shot at a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Somehow, you need to realize that respect isn't earned through treating people coldly or acting distant. And apologizing or showing emotion doesn't mean people think you are weak. On the contrary, an honest, sincere man I hold the highest respect for. At the same time, you need to control your anger & jealousy & realize when it is inappropriate. I wish you all the luck in the future!!

[robinhood]

Alli, thanks for the reply - I think you are one of the few people that know what's happening. I don't want to act cold and distant at times (I don't always - I just try not to be available 24 7) but in this society of dating, it seems necessary. I've decided I will apologize to her and let her decide whether to accept it or not.

[alli]

Alli, thanks for the reply - I think you are one of the few people that know what's happening. I don't want to act cold and distant at times (I don't always - I just try not to be available 24 7) but in this society of dating, it seems necessary. I've decided I will apologize to her and let her decide whether to accept it or not.

 

I'm glad you've decided to do that. However, I think the biggest thing you need to focus on is changing your mindset towards relationships in general. Maybe see a counselor or talk to an older relative who seems to have a level head & a healthy relationship that can sort of coach you. Also, I can see younger girls your age might be playing the "dating game" so hopefully that will change as you mature (and also date older, more mature women of your age) but once you get in a relationship, those guards & that jealousness needs to come down a few notches.

 

I remember when I was dating, there were all those rules about waiting a few days to call, not appearing too eager, making sure you act "cool" and not needy or overly excited. It's really nice when you meet someone you are comfortable with and you don't have to follow all those rules.

[robinhood]

Yeah, I wish I could let my guard down and be myself. I've not actually tried but I have friends that are the typical "nice guy" who never get the chick. Hopefully when I do get older, I'll meet women that don't play these games. Thanks for the advice =)

[alli]

Yeah, I wish I could let my guard down and be myself. I've not actually tried but I have friends that are the typical "nice guy" who never get the chick. Hopefully when I do get older, I'll meet women that don't play these games. Thanks for the advice =)

 

I think people do that sort of thing mostly in the dating stage, when it's important to keep some mystery & not appear overanxious! People do generally mature when they get older, but the biggest reason I think people stop playing by the rules is when they get in a relationship and feel more comfortable to be themselves. It's ok to keep some mystery, but there's no need to do it to the point that they call you iceman! Lol.

 

And just to reiterate. It's really important that you get ahold of that jealousy and make sure your anger is proportional to the offense.

 

And your welcome; good luck to you!

[Green Mile]

I have photos of myself on Facebook with friends who are girls and we're pretending to kiss etc. so now I'm wondering if I should take them down in case their boyfriends come after me!