Sigh, setbacks

[AskMeLater]

Groan. I was doing so well up until today!

 

We'd been NC for about a month until a week ago, when I received an email from her to let me know I could swing by sometime to pick up some things that belonged to me that were still at her place. I was really starting to move on so I waited a few days before replying, but this stuff was not of insignificant value so I wanted to get it back. My responses were completely straightforward and business-like, but she dropped a few "random event x made me think of you" type statements, and it really bothered me. She really doesn't have any right to say this sort of thing to me after dumping me and then stringing me along for a couple months, right?

 

So we arranged for me to drop by today and pick up my stuff. She offers me coffee when I show up: clearly, she wants this to be more than a simple pick up. I'm trying to be polite and take the high road, so I accept (also, I am terrible at turning down coffee -- I suspect she used this against me). It starts as simple small talk and friendly catching-up, but pretty soon she is back to complaining to me about all the things that suck in her life and how hard she has it. This is basically exactly how she acted when she wanted to be "friends" after we broke up, expecting me to comfort her and be her emotional crutch. I'm polite, but don't really offer any real comfort. Eventually I make my excuses to leave, and as I'm leaving she says: "so, does this mean we're speaking again?" I say: "no, it doesn't." She was obviously choking back tears as I left.

 

There's an email waiting for me when I get home. She mentions that we didn't return each others' keys, and that I will "have to put up with interacting with her one more time." It struck me as a pretty manipulative and passive-aggressive sort of thing to say, like she's a victim of me not wanting to speak to her or something. I sent her a curt reply that it was unfair to expect me to be her friend after what she's put me through, and said I would return her key to her indirectly. No response from her so far.

 

So why do I feel so bad now? It seems like she wants to use me for emotional support (which I obviously provided when we were together). She's with someone new; why can't she take this to him? Why do I feel like I am being a jerk for denying her? I think I did the right thing, but I feel like I'm back to square one in terms of recovery. Argh. This sucks.

[cntrofthestorm]

I can understand why you would feel like a jerk, but you're not being one at all. you're completely right, she shouldn't expect you to be her friend. Especially because it doesn't sound like she's apologized or acknowledged what happened, just went right back to expecting you to listen to her problems. You didn't say anything to her that i think you should feel bad about, it's not like you told her that her problems were dumb or said something bad about her personality, you just simply said the truth. it doesn't even sound like she cares about your problems, just wants you to listen to hers. and if she is with a new guy then it's wrong to not go to him anyway.

 

I just don't get why they think there is such thing as STILL being friends. friendship ends when you break someone's heart. that doesn't mean that in rare cases a friendship can't be rebuilt, but you can't just pick right back up, you have to go through that rebuilding.

 

i'm sorry you feel like you're back to square one but i've found that on days when i feel as bad as i did in the beginning, that phase doesn't last as long and it is easier to eventually get back to where i was again. i hope that happens with you, good luck! it sounds like you've done well so far

[Dako]

She probably seeks your responses out of habit.

I'd hope she would suspend that awkward familiarity out of respect for your loss. You shouldn't be her emotional band-aid while you're feeling like roadkill.

 

Keep away from her, or it'll take longer to heal.

But you know that.