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Don't know where to turn to after 5yr break up..plz help


nxtbardi

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Not sure if this is the right section to post this in but here it goes.

 

My ex and I just broke up a few days ago. We were dating for a little over 5 years. I'm 24 and she's 23.

 

So anyway..she decided to break up with me because she said she has just started to lose feelings for me over time and didn't think it was right any longer.She said she has felt that way for a while but was just hiding because she thought maybe it was just in her head and can just forget about it. After she told me this I couldn't understand it one bit. We had talked multiple times in the past about getting married, kids, etc the whole thing. And then this comes. She says she think's she is bi because she likes a gay friend of hers and has a crush or whatever. I don't know if that has anything to do with it because I couldn't even get a clear answer myself.

 

It's only been one full day of no contact and it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do with myself. The last time we talked it was just a " so this is it.." and then it was over. I don't know if we are going to revisit in the future or not. And I feel like I made a mistake by not making that clear that I want to keep the door open. She was the only person I can turn to for anything and now that's taken away from me. I check my email and facebook every minute practically.

 

I know people say use this time to work on yourself, find who you are, blabbla. But I feel like everything is so impossible to do. It's hard to do anything when she's on my mind every second.

 

I don't know what exactly im looking for posting this here but I figured maybe some advice would come my way or something like that.

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This is life. People come and go. Their interests and priorities change. Out of what she said, nothing jumps out as particularly unusual. So, take what she said at face value and move on.

 

No offense, but if it was that easy I would. But it's only been a couple days since break up and thoughts are constantly running through my head that we will be back together. It's a false sense of reality because well I don't know what the reality is.

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Spend time with friends. Get new hobbies. You can't spend all day thinking about her. Force yourself out. I went through the same thing a lil over a year ago. I'm ok now. Not 100% healed but hey I'm meeting new girls and getting back in the dating game. Start dating as soon as possible.

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I don't know what the reality is.

 

The reality is you will not be back together, at least not in the short term. Perhaps in a few months she will come to regret this decision, but I would not bet my house on it or make my emotional health dependent on whether that happens. Move on.

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It is normal to feel this way so soon after a breakup. She will likely consume your thoughts for a bit, but you must find the strength to keep yourself active and go out and about with friends and family. I know it's hard and there is no easy way to get the heartache to go away, you just have to go through the process. I'm sorry I don't know much else to say except that most of us here on ENA have been in the place you are now (of course not all circumstances are the same). Feel better soon.

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What people are saying is right, but since you said it's only a few days out of it you're probably not ready to hear that. when my boyfriend broke up with me, it was bad. i hardly remember the first few days. that first week. i didn't eat, i couldn't sleep. i had obligations that would have been very expensive to get out of, so thankfully because of that i had to get out of my apartment.

 

But really that first week is really hard and thinking about working on yourself and hobbies is great, and it's true so keep it in the back of your mind but right now my advice is just to let yourself feel. Don't call her, start a word document and pretend you are going to write her an email. you said you regret that you didn't leave the door open to future contact so type about that to her. keep starting over when you find new things you want to say. sometimes it will be a sad email sometimes you'll want to just lash out at her so do it, but just do NOT actually send her these emails. Maybe there will be a moment when it's right to send one but you will KNOW that it is the email you should send. you will be proud of it, and proud of how far you've come.

 

I have a 20 page document just filled with these fake emails (and actually it was because i too felt like i totally shut the door on him, and it scared me because i felt like if he wanted to come back he wouldn't because of that) and it has helped me tremendously. especially because it shows me how much things can change, when i think back to if i had sent that first email i wrote, i would have been mortified because i don't feel that way anymore. Eventually, after three weeks i think, i wrote the perfect email. and actually it was because after not talking for three weeks he wrote me saying he still wanted to be friends. the email i sent back did not shut the door in his face, it was not emotional but it was honest and i know that if he wanted to come back, he totally could and the fact that he hasn't is all i need to know and it is helping me move on.

 

I've been no contact for a little over 30 days and i don't know where i'd be if we were still talking. even with no contact i still think about him a lot (too much still but i'm working on it) but it doesn't hurt like it used to think about him. i loved him. i wish things hadn't gone the way they did, but i can't change it now. the fact that it's over doesn't make what we had any less special or real. you're allowed to still think of your ex, it'd be pretty strange if you didn't.

 

I'm sorry this is kinda wordy but overall what i'm saying is don't get overwhelmed. don't think to yourself "oh no, i have to go no contact for blah blah days" you just have to be no contact for today. write out to her and DON'T SEND IT until you are SURE it is the right email (which you won't until you have had time to step away from it). cry. lay down. CALL SOMEONE (not your ex). a break up means you get special treatment for a limited amount of time, don't put off your feelings because a month from now, people aren't going to be as understanding.

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This is life. People come and go. Their interests and priorities change. Out of what she said, nothing jumps out as particularly unusual. So, take what she said at face value and move on.

 

The reality is you will not be back together, at least not in the short term. Perhaps in a few months she will come to regret this decision, but I would not bet my house on it or make my emotional health dependent on whether that happens. Move on.

 

I hate this type of disrespectful posting. People come here for a comforting shoulder and to vent. The last thing they need to be told is to get up, get out and move on. It's the worst kind of posting and doesn't help anyone. If it was that easy then he wouldn't be on this forum. Yes tough love is good, but the OP is in need of some support right now. If he wanted a cold dish like the one you're serving up, he'd go elsewhere.

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I hate this type of disrespectful posting. People come here for a comforting shoulder and to vent. The last thing they need to be told is to get up, get out and move on. It's the worst kind of posting and doesn't help anyone. If it was that easy then he wouldn't be on this forum. Yes tough love is good, but the OP is in need of some support right now. If he wanted a cold dish like the one you're serving up, he'd go elsewhere.

 

There's nothing disrespectful or critical in my postinngs, and there is no tough love. Psychologists tell us that the first stage of grieving process is accepting the reality of the loss, and they work to facilitate this process. In my personal experience of dealing with grief, I found this kind facilitating most helpful. Your experience may be different.

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There's nothing disrespectful or critical in my postinngs, and there is no tough love. Psychologists tell us that the first stage of grieving process is accepting the reality of the loss, and they work to facilitate this process. In my personal experience of dealing with grief, I found this kind facilitating most helpful. Your experience may be different.

 

Even so, you can be straight and direct in your advice with a little more empathy. The guy is hurting and is in need of compassion and understanding. Why couldn't you have responded by telling the OP the same thing you've just told me, instead of more or less saying, "that's life, move on."?

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Even so, you can be straight and direct in your advice with a little more empathy. The guy is hurting and is in need of compassion and understanding. Why couldn't you have responded by telling the OP the same thing you've just told me, instead of more or less saying, "that's life, move on."?

 

 

I'm just not that big on empathy. But you seem to be. So, you could administer a dose of empathy, and I could give a reality check. In this way we may complement each other.

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Even so, you can be straight and direct in your advice with a little more empathy. The guy is hurting and is in need of compassion and understanding. Why couldn't you have responded by telling the OP the same thing you've just told me, instead of more or less saying, "that's life, move on."?

 

I agree ... empathy is nice and wanted by the people who come here post break-up.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through OP. It's no lie ... it's going to be hard. Can you commit to keeping yourself really busy for the next few weeks? Even getting a session or two of therapy? It's going to be a tough time but you will make it through.

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Thanks guys for the support and advice.

 

I start school again this week (I was on spring break) so hopefully I can be okay and get through classes and just keep myself busy and not think about it too much. But it's going to be hard...she's the one that pushed me to go and kept me going through the process of school and now that's not there. So we'll see. And like I've read around here the weekends will be brutal especially at night time when I'm alone. I can feel completely fine at one moment, like nothing even happened but then the next moment I feel sick and start to break down again.

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So after like 2 measly days of NC from the day of the break up on Sunday, easter, I saw her on facebook and could not help but say something. I had to get more answers and let her know I still want to be friends no matter what.

 

She opened up a little more and told me the following:

Our lives were never integrated with one another. I never went out with her and did things. I never seem interested. I never went out with her friends or with her family. I never got involved in her side of life. I always just wanted to stay in and never do anything. I admit I became pretty much a bum and too comfortable living at home with my parents and comfortable with the relationship thinking OK this is will end up in marriage so why try so hard?

 

I could not help but tell her over and over that's something we can fix and I myself can work on. She kept telling me not to blame myself, and that it's not about change. And after I kept saying I can change, she just said if it was so easy to change it would've happened after all the tries we did. (Which I didn't take seriously because I got to comfortable). And that if I did want to go out and do stuff and all that it would have came naturally. And she kept saying that's just not who I am and thats OK. Which I hated when she said because right now I would do anything to change it and make it better and be a part of her life and make it OUR life. I am so mad a made such a huge mistake in not change those things and showing her just how much I do care about her.

 

Oh and one last thing....she has said for a while she is bi sexual. And has a crush on a girl. So she said that's also a huge factor into this breakup because she may be gay. And she said she is seeing this girl she mentioned to me once before. As in just hanging out a lot and she's is seeing how it will go and such. I think this is what hurts most because I can't work on that. If she is gay that's it for me. No second chance. So she said she just needs time to figure that out and well find out if she really is gay or whatever.

 

I told her I don't want to close the door on us and want to keep it open for the future. And she said she is willing to revist in the future but can't commit to anything now. So now I'm trying to go NC completely even tho I said I want to be updated and be friends but atleast give her space for now.

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It hurts so much right now. I went back to school today and I was just completely depressed. Thoughts are running through my head every second. The what if's. If she is gay...then that's it, she is gone forever. What if she isn't gay but just doesn't ever want to revisit and never thinks I can change? Then she's gone forever. I hate it I can't get it out of my head and almost makes me feel sick. It's so hard. I think my biggest fear is that she really is gay.

 

She also mentioned that we are too extreme opposites. Like she is so outgoing and a go getter and that I'm just too shy and well not a go getter. She's graduating with her masters living on her own with a job set up in May when she graduates. I'm going to school still but not done till around September maybe later but no job and still live with my parents. She says I have to experience life on my own with out my parents and without any support. I always had someone to rely on. Ugh please make this pain go away.

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really sorry you are feeling like this, I know how you feel! Its the worst thing in the world, besides a death. I think the more you make contact with her, the more you have to think about and ruminate about which is what you dont need, but then again its only natural to want to talk about it and try and figure out why it went wrong. I totally understand!!! xx

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Dude you are in the EXACT same situation as me...honestly. I'm the same age as you as well....My ex is the one who pretty much got me to go back to school and had so much of a positive impact on my life.....I never really seemed to care about her and one day she just left....I was the type to always want to sit in at home too and she said you never took me on dates, never wanted to do anything....I loved you so very much...but it just became to much and i lost feelings for you.....It's almost the worst thing to hear when you know they did so much for you and you sat and did nothing...mine also said she could see something maybe working in the future...my ex is graduating this Friday and looking to live on her own and get on her feet and i graduate in Sept as well....man this seems like I'm looking at my life from your posts.....very weird. Today was a very hard day for me...

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Our lives were never integrated with one another. I never went out with her and did things. I never seem interested. I never went out with her friends or with her family. I never got involved in her side of life. I always just wanted to stay in and never do anything.

 

I empathise with this. However, i would argue that It should have been raised by her that she was starting to feel that a break up would be the only option if this continued. 5 years together has to be worth a shot in my opinion. Else it's not fair. Don't take all the blame yourself, despite how it is being put accross from her side.

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Oh wow. Yeah it's heartbreaking. I just hate how she tells me I can't change and that it's just how I am. And that's ridiculous because I would do anything to be with her again. Especially just going out and having fun. I don't know why I didn't in the first place but I know I would. I guess I realized it after I lost her. Which sucks. But hey atleast you don't have to deal with your ex thinking she is gay. That's the scariest part for me.

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I empathise with this. However, i would argue that It should have been raised by her that she was starting to feel that a break up would be the only option if this continued. 5 years together has to be worth a shot in my opinion. Else it's not fair. Don't take all the blame yourself, despite how it is being put accross from her side.

 

She did bring it up...a few times, she always said to me I'm never a part of her life and that I never even met some of her friends or only once or twice. She brought it up a couple times. I have no idea why I got so comfortable and didn't do any of this stuff and I get mad at myself because I felt like this could have been avoided.

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Dude.....this girl is young and messed up.....Let her go....

I lived with a bi girl for 2 years. Loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

Without going into details at this point let me offer you this advice...

 

Do not believe anything she says about the who/where/whats of this breakup.

Do not believe that you could have done something different to save the relationship.

 

Avoid the woulda/coulda/shoulda's.....

 

I know that you dont want to hear this but.....a year from now you will be fine

Do the best that you can to move forward without her.

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Dude.....this girl is young and messed up.....Let her go....

I lived with a bi girl for 2 years. Loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

Without going into details at this point let me offer you this advice...

 

Do not believe anything she says about the who/where/whats of this breakup.

Do not believe that you could have done something different to save the relationship.

 

Avoid the woulda/coulda/shoulda's.....

 

I know that you dont want to hear this but.....a year from now you will be fine

Do the best that you can to move forward without her.

 

I know man. I'm trying. I want to.

 

I just can't understand how someone lives a 5 year lie to someone. It was all an act.

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