I thought it would be getting better by now

[woodst0ck]

Well, it has been 10 weeks since my wife of 20 years walked out and I have I suppose... to a certain extent... moved on but in other ways, I have moved backwards.

 

To recap, my wife left and in under a week, was in bed with someone else. She moved in with this guy about 7 weeks ago. He's got plenty of cash which is something I can't supply and she seems to be really happy so I suppose I know where I stand now. They are away on a long Easter break in a romantic hotel and are off to Nice in a month for a week's holiday (they went to Nice a few weeks ago bit my ex spent the entire holiday with a stomach bug so I guess they're going to try again).

 

She hasn't told me this.... her family has. Our breakup has caused a family split which is threatening to spiral out of control. We split up because my wife wanted to experience more out of life and apparently, I couldn't give her that. To be honest, I have been down this year... I lost my mother and a job I loved but I never thought it would lead to this.

 

I don't feel the need to plead or cajole anymore. In fact, I don't feel much of anything. My whole life is grey. Food is only necessary and I only eat to continue. I do look after myself.... exercise regularly, I have even got back to weight training but it all feels kind of ... empty. I do it because I think it would be worse if I did nothing at all.

 

She used to come round for her mail but she hasn't been round for over three weeks now (her mail is stacking up I haven't actually told her I was going NC but the last time she was here, she threw a real fit about that all I wanted to do was to have nothing to do with her anymore (her words... not mine, I never said anything like that).... I just don't initiate any contact. When she has contacted me... eg. asking me to sponsor her fun run, how can she remotely access her email etc... I've just replied politely (except for the sponsor thing, I just ignored that). For some reason, that really pisses her off.

 

I do feel that I'm a piece of * * * * she's scraped off her boot. I still can't understand how she can be a loving partner one day and so cold the next but I suppose I never will... going by other posts here. The only thing she ever said was that she didn't know how to relate to me now that our relationship was different.

 

Is this melancholy a phase? I'm pretty much resigned to spending the rest of my life alone as I'm 50 and I can see no way that I could ever trust anyone else but then I've been through so many stages on this ride, I have no idea what I'll be feeling in the future.

 

I really hate the way the way I feel now but cannot seem to move past it. I used to believe in love but it all seems to have turned to ash.

[Charis1978]

I dont understand why she expects anything from you esp sponsering her or talking to her after she hurt you like that. I have trouble understanding the love no love thing too but some people are hot/cold like that and maybe shallow/not so deep. You sound like a very good guy with a lot to offer. Hopefully next time you will find someone that appreciates that and doesnt treat you like yesterdays garbage. Don't try to understand her as it will only drive you crazy...just find someone who treats you better. \i know thats hard to do after 20 years of marriage so be kind to yourself..take as long as you need to move on from her.

[Kaytie]

I was wondering how you've been doing. I was going to PM you to find out and then I see this thread

 

I'm sorry to hear you feel so down at times, but as you said, it's only been 10 weeks (about the same time as my break up) and after 20 years, that's only a drop in the bucket.

 

I think it's great you are working out, even if you don't find fulfillment out of it. It's at the very least a temporary escape and it's a great, healthy way of coping with all the different emotions you are experiencing. Maintaining my regular weight-training routine has kept me sane - plus I bet you look damn good too, which will go a long way to helping repair your ego.

 

And 50 is young - it really is. I'm sure right now you can't imagine yourself with someone else, but love can happen at any age.

 

I think for now it's good to be on your own, to heal and to keep YOU as the main focus at least for the immediate future. Your ex is still behaving like a wackfest with her reactions and emotions, but that's her doing. Try to let it roll off you and don't waste your energy trying to figure out her motives or why. She's made her choice and she has to live with it. The fact that you're not pining after her or begging, etc. is something she'll just have to get over.

 

You said yourself you don't know how you'll feel since it's been such a rollercoaster ride. I take that to mean that this grey feeling you have will be temporary as well - and bluer skies are ahead.

 

Hang in there.

[veeee]

To put some perception compared with other people... It has been 6 months since I broke up from my first ever boyfriend (im 21). I still feel that certain emptiness sometimes, as well as hurt from the effects of the relationship.

 

I know I can't provide with any useful advice - but a counsellor once told me that you have to be patient to yourself, and trust that through your strength and courage you'll be alright again. Don't be impatient and force yourself to be okay - one day the emptiness will subside, as it has with me.

[woodst0ck]

I thank you all for your replies and nice to hear from you again Kaytie Nice to know someone remembers me *hugs

 

And Veeee, In my experience, once a certain level of maturity is reached, age becomes largely irrelevant. a break up for someone 30 years younger than myself can hurt just as much... thank you for your message of support, I hope you find your way forward.

 

Chais, I don't think it's a case of her being shallow... I think it's more a case of naïveté. She seems to be totally unaware of the consequences. She has never had to deal with being alone. I'm not making excuses for her.... just trying to be realistic. I'm not looking for a magic fix, even after all that has happened, I can't rule out a reconciliation... but as time goes on, it becomes more and more unlikely. I know that anyone can make a mistake but it's up to her whether she considers this a mistake. She seems to be happy with her new man but I still feel destroyed... all my hopes and dreams gone.

 

I cannot see my way past this... perhaps time is the only thing that will change this.