No spark?

[orchidrose]

How many dates do you give it until you call yourselves just friends?

 

I met a guy on a dating website a few weeks ago. We exchanged e-mails and eventually he asked me out - first to a bar earlier this week, then to lunch today. He's very nice and gentlemanly, and the conversation flows extremely well between us.. but I don't feel anything there. I don't find him unattractive, but I don't want to rip his clothes off, either. We haven't kissed yet.

 

He said at the end of today's date that we should hang out soon, and I went into today's date knowing that I really wanted to feel something in order to continue. I definitely wouldn't mind having him as a friend, but after today, I'm really not sure the romantic vibe is there. What do you think?

[BriarRose]

One date for spark. But to get to know someone, obviously that is not enough. But since you are just asking about "the spark", one date (for me).

[HeartGoesOn]

If there's no spark, there's "no spark." It's nothing personal, just tell him in a kind way. If he agrees to be friends, great, if not you did your best.

[newwave]

I can usually tell right away. The guy I like and me had heavy sparks right away (for what that's worth now) and I expect sparks right away. Sometimes they are hidden and come out another time, but not usually.

[BriarRose]

I can usually tell right away. The guy I like and me had heavy sparks right away (for what that's worth now) and I expect sparks right away. Sometimes they are hidden and come out another time, but not usually.

 

That's how I am, too. I know right away at least if there are sparks. If so, we go from there to see if we are compatible. If not, no point going any further.

[annie24]

i give things a few dates.

[marshmlofluff]

Infinitely many, because I don't look for a "spark."

 

At this point in my life, I look for a good and decent man who treats me kindly and whose values match mine, and who is gonna be around for the long haul. And generally if I meet someone like that, after I've known him a while, I eventually do feel like ripping his clothes off.

 

So people have a wide variety of relationship paradigms.

[civilservant]

The spark. In all honesty I've only ever felt it with one person, and that wasn't instant. I actually hated her for the first 4 months I knew her. Then I got to know her and bang, there it was. We can judge people too soon, so i'd give it a little while- as above, we all look for different things.

[Speranza]

I generally know within a few minutes BUT I also kinda agree with the poster above (marshmlofluff).

 

But there is a stage of life where that would be 'settling' I think. Somehow as you get older, it just feels more like - being adult and having common sense! lol

 

NOTHING WRONG with sparks though! I'm hoping for a few myself!

[JusticeLaw9]

How many dates do you give it until you call yourselves just friends?

 

I met a guy on a dating website a few weeks ago. We exchanged e-mails and eventually he asked me out - first to a bar earlier this week, then to lunch today. He's very nice and gentlemanly, and the conversation flows extremely well between us.. but I don't feel anything there. I don't find him unattractive, but I don't want to rip his clothes off, either. We haven't kissed yet.

 

He said at the end of today's date that we should hang out soon, and I went into today's date knowing that I really wanted to feel something in order to continue. I definitely wouldn't mind having him as a friend, but after today, I'm really not sure the romantic vibe is there. What do you think?

 

No need to press the issue, if it's not there then it's just not there and it doesn't matter how many dates you go on.

[nutbrownhare]

It depends how you usually operate. It takes me a long time to get a 'spark', but once it's there, it's very long-lasting, including if I don't have a relationship with the person.

 

I certainly wouldn't expect to have a spark with someone I'd only met up with two or three times. In fact if I did I'd be very wary.

[orchidrose]

Thanks for the responses. It's a tricky balance. I don't want to lead him on, but I wish I could give it some more time to see if something could develop. I never really felt a spark with my last ex until the fourth or fifth date; the one before that, I felt it immediately.

[Speranza]

It depends how you usually operate. It takes me a long time to get a 'spark', but once it's there, it's very long-lasting, including if I don't have a relationship with the person.

 

I certainly wouldn't expect to have a spark with someone I'd only met up with two or three times. In fact if I did I'd be very wary.

 

True... in fact there is a school of thought that you shouldn't trust any feelings which are immediate - not sure. The one time I persevered without a spark (to see if that was why I wasn't getting into any relationships) he turned out to be a narcissist so I tend to stick with the spark! (And being single!) lol

[onecrazychild]

i'm a bit young, but ive had my share of experience. i personally feel that, when you know u like someone, u KNOW. and deep down, you know when you're not feelin' it. you're body tells you. you've just gotta go with your instinct.

[Batya33]

I so disagree with this - it's a very romantic sentiment and might be true for some people but so many things can interfere with a spark - nervousness, awkwardness, one person having a bad day, etc. Nervousness can feel like "instinct" which is a shame if all that's needed is a little time.

 

I used to give it 4 dates and if by that time I didn't have a desire to kiss the person (whether we actually kissed really didn't matter), I stopped there. Seemed a bit arbitrary but I knew myself and if I liked the person well enough, I might continue to see the person without a spark, which wasn't fair to anyone. Of course this was just for situations where I was having a good time but on the fence - if I was repulsed or had a negative reaction, one date was all it took.

 

There was one person I was friends with for months, and friendly with for over a year and I never considered more, never even considered a spark. The first friendly dinner we had - something maybe was in the air and a week later, through the roof.

[onecrazychild]

that is really only true if your main goal is a relationship. because being unsure if there is a romantic spark and then waiting it out and giving it more time is like; desperately hoping that something will spark up. making yourself believe that its there bc you want it to be there. if it were there, wouldn't she have felt a little something? some small desire to move things forward and feel that eagerness/excitement to see him again that you usually feel when you meet someone you new that you really like and might possibly have a future with? you only said that you "don't find him unattractive."

 

sometimes it takes longer. most people fall in love, or feel romantic feelings after they get to know the person really well bc they fall in love with who they are; their personality & consequently, their flaws and insecurities become what attracts you to them. this develops obviously overtime. and that is also what can be contributed to the spark.

 

so maybe give him a few more chances, but i still stand behind my belief that sometimes, you just know if it's there or not. it is really just my personal opinion and how my mind/body works. and from personal experience. one guy i dated, i dated for far too long. and i knew from the beginning that there really wasn't anything there (romantically). i kind of forced it to be there. he was cute, funny, smart; great on paper. and so i stuck it out and waited for the spark and overtime, he grew on me. he was great. but it was a mistake bc for me, there really wasn't anything there (romantically) and after it ended, i promised myself i would never be in a relationship and force my feelings just bc its convenient and i want to be in a relationship. at times, it felt like it was there, but in reality, it wasn't. i decided id rather be alone then be with someone im not really sure i want to be with/am romantically attracted to. so now, i'm always sure when there is no romantic connection with someone, always. i'm not always positive or aware of when there is bc sometimes it comes from the most unlikely places, at different times, or out of nowhere...but i'm ALWAYS sure when its not there.

[civilservant]

Sometimes crazy you actually have to get through yourself to see the other person. Its far too easy to have your guard up, just not be in the mood that not or whatever, and miss a potential good thing.

 

All I know is if my SO had been too tired that night to PM me back, we would never have met. Spark or no spark.

 

Sometimes the spark simply takes luck!

[orchidrose]

I think at this point I might give it one more date. He is a really great guy, but, per Batya's test, after 2 dates I have no desire to kiss him. I just don't feel anything romantic there. There's also a pretty large age gap (9 years) that I think is probably interfering with any sort of spark.

[BriarRose]

I think at this point I might give it one more date. He is a really great guy, but, per Batya's test, after 2 dates I have no desire to kiss him. I just don't feel anything romantic there. There's also a pretty large age gap (9 years) that I think is probably interfering with any sort of spark.

It is my belief that you would be making a mistake and leading him by going on a 3rd date with him when so far you have "no desire" to even kiss him. There is clearly no sexual attraction there. It's one thing to not act on a desire, another thing to just not feel it.

 

You are not talking about getting to know someone to see if you are compatible - obviously that takes time. You are wanting to know about the chemistry - and for you, it's just not there, IMO.

 

But do what you feel is best.

[Ms Darcy]

It depends how you usually operate. It takes me a long time to get a 'spark', but once it's there, it's very long-lasting, including if I don't have a relationship with the person.

 

I certainly wouldn't expect to have a spark with someone I'd only met up with two or three times. In fact if I did I'd be very wary.

 

I am more like this too. I think we live in a society with expectations of instant gratification and I think the "spark" concept can make good potential couples miss each other. Of course, after a month or two if you feel nothing it makes no sense to continue. But, if you go into a situation expecting to want to rip someone's clothes off you a) lay the groundwork for your sole attraction to men who are bad for you b) don't learn the art of cultivating a relationship.

[BriarRose]

I am more like this too. I think we live in a society with expectations of instant gratification and I think the "spark" concept can make good potential couples miss each other. Of course, after a month or two if you feel nothing it makes no sense to continue. But, if you go into a situation expecting to want to rip someone's clothes off you a) lay the groundwork for your sole attraction to men who are bad for you b) don't learn the art of cultivating a relationship.

To cultivate a relationship requires sexual attraction - at least a spark. OP feels nothing physical for him. Everyone is different, but personally, I cannot imagine dating someone for a "month or two" when I feel absolutely no sexual spark. I am sure my date would pick up on it, too.

[orchidrose]

To cultivate a relationship requires sexual attraction - at least a spark. OP feels nothing physical for him. Everyone is different, but personally, I cannot imagine dating someone for a "month or two" when I feel absolutely no sexual spark. I am sure my date would pick up on it, too.

 

Yeah, that's why I'm torn - I really do NOT want to lead him on, but two dates doesn't seem like much. That's why I think one more date might be the best bet. But, again, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

[BriarRose]

Yeah, that's why I'm torn - I really do NOT want to lead him on, but two dates doesn't seem like much. That's why I think one more date might be the best bet. But, again, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Well, only you know what is best here. But if I felt absolutely nothing , I wouldn't. Only you know exactly what you are feeling.

[Ms Darcy]

To cultivate a relationship requires sexual attraction - at least a spark. OP feels nothing physical for him. Everyone is different, but personally, I cannot imagine dating someone for a "month or two" when I feel absolutely no sexual spark. I am sure my date would pick up on it, too.

 

I think it's interesting. Well, life is full of interesting twists I suppose. I know of plenty of couples who were friends for a long time before any spark appeared. And they seem to have some of the most long-lasting relationships ... because they had a strong friendship as a foundation.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, that's why I'm torn - I really do NOT want to lead him on, but two dates doesn't seem like much. That's why I think one more date might be the best bet. But, again, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

 

I don't think you should try if you don't want to. Another option is to offer friendship, see if he takes it, and move on. Who knows what will happen in the future.