Sharing my experience : How to recover from a breakup

[yonanz]

Hello All.

 

A simple background here. Like all of you out there, I am a heartbroken soul. Was dumped by my gf of 4 years. She was my high school sweetheart, and my first love, and we did share alot of special memories, which im sure is the same for many of you as well.

 

the pain? i do not want to go into details. in short, it hurts like crazy. as if life is not worth living anymore.

 

i was dumped a month ago. for 4 consecutive days after our breakup, i cried, bawled, pleaded, begged, negotiaed, tried to make her see the good things about her, try to let her know how wrong she was, try to let her know how much i will change, how much i love her, and how much i want to improve etc...i did everything i could, write love letters, request for "Heartfelt talks", sobbed over the phone, but nothing worked. she insisted on her decision, and i accepted it with alot of pain.

 

after the 4 days, i implemented strict NC. it was terrible at start, i had terrible urges to call her. i missed her like crazy, i cried non stop. it was just pain and pain and more pain. but i lived.

 

its been almost a month since i implemented NC, and during this month, i began to see things more clearly, and also begin to have greater control over my emotions. there's still a long way to go, but i see myself in the right direction. more time would allow me to eventually reach the end of the tunnel.

i feel much better now, and would like to share with all of your poor hearbroken souls on how to cope with the post breakup stage. i know its a terrible phase, it seems as though things cannot never get better anymore, but trust me it does, just hope my methods helps you. i have posted this somewhere esle as a post before, but i have modified it and decided to put it as a thread so it can help more people. cheers hope it helps you guys see things better!

 

alot of what you do post breakup requires hard work, discipline, focus and logical understanding. you need to reason using rationality and logic, not emotions. that is why, first of all , you need to implement NC. Why? Because many of us are stuck in the emotional rut. after breakup we go into hyperdrive and start to call/text incessantly, think about them 24/7, crazy urges to beg them and plead with them again, cry non stop etc. its a shock reaction due to an extremely traumatic event, its natural but it is not the way forward.

 

by implementing NC, we actually cut short this unhealthy phase, get ourselves out of the emotional rut, regain control over our emotions, and hence without these distractions we can actually move on. Yes! you heard me, moving on! i know you must be thinking "no i dont wanna let her go! ...no we still ahve so much potential, i know there's sth i can still do to salvage it..oh no its a mistake she will come back, trust me..etc" but before you think of all this let me underline some basic principles which we must all keep in mind.

 

- Respect his/her decision. This is the most important one can do post breakup. Dont think that begging/pleading/asking for 2nd chance/trying to make things right/heartfelt talks are going to change her mind because they are NOT. period. What they want is for you to accept it instead of pushing/pressurizing them. My girlfriend was repulsed by my pleadings and beggings and cryings and told me that i should respect this decision instead of continuously pushing it. Rmember - your partner must have already thought over it carefully over a period of time before coming to such an important decision. its a difficult decision that requires alot of courage and comes with burden of guilt. what you partner wants right now is not for you to resist or argue agaisnt this decision, what she wants is for you to affirm or accept it.

 

- Understand that in life, sometimes we may not have things the way we want. we might not get our way all the time. that's life. there are some things which we simply have no control over! we have no control over how they feel, what they feel. we can profess how much we still love him/her, but what we feel matters less than what they feel. trying to change the outcome of things which we have no control over is like pushing against the wall - a waste of energy and time. learn to accept the state of things and be at ease with the outcome, whatever it is.

 

sometimes going forcefully against the course of events will only aggravate the issue. dont argue, dont ressist, respect her decision. go with the flow, dont fight it. you are too weak to fight the tide of events.

 

lastly, it smight be useful to ponder and reflect on lessons learnt rather than stuck in the emotional rut. yes i know you love her, i know you miss her, but look at the larger picture. What are the lessons you have learnt? What mistaes have you made and how are you going to work on them? What plans do you have to make yourself a better person? Is it helping me or hindering me if i keep pining for her? Is it fair to my loved ones to see me in pain all the time?

 

these are ultimately more important questions. one has to really learn to let go of things sometimes. learning to let go in life is very important. some things in life you just cant have it. be contented with the times you have had with her, and no one can ever take those special moments away from both of you. if you truly love a person, you respect her decision, give her time and space, let her go, and use this time and space to improve yourself in various aspects, so in time to come, you can be a better partner and person, whether she comes back or not, or even with the next girl/guy. dont you want her to be happy? If you love her, you would want her to be happy! This is a very powerful statement but can be very helpful to allow you to come to terms with reality. its obvious shes unhappy in the r/s, thats why she chose to breakup. would u rather her to be unhappy together with you, or happy away from you?

 

if you love her give her the time and space she needs.

 

loooking back im so glad i did NC, simply because it pulled me out of my emotional rut! i stopped pining for her excessively, stopped having the urge to call/text her, stopped having crazy thoughts in my mind 24/7 etc. and having this distractions out helped me move on, even if the process is slow, but i am moving on. i am quite a rational person and despite the pain and ache, i know i have a future out there and i have other parts of life to attend to. life isnt just about one person, or love, its about your friends, family, career, education, leisure,health sports etc. life is wholesome and holistic, and most importantly, life waits for no one. i will not want to let one failed r/s further ruin me in other aspects. that is why i force myself to be disciplined and move on in life, despite the pain and hurt that still eats at me everyday. i dont know if she will ever come back, but that is not the point. the point is i want to get better, and i am. i want to be happy on my own, without ever needing anyone to be that medium of happiness. i want to be stronger and better as a person, and i want to live a life that is more meaningful than before. last but not least, NC also helped me become less emotional and more rational, and what i have penned down here will not have been possible wihout the few weeks of NC that gave me the clarity of thought. sometimes taking one step back is like moving 2 steps forward. you see things much clearer when you take a step back and stop pushing our way through

 

So in conclusion, always tell yourself the five pillars - friends, family, health, studies/career, social [leisure, networking, activities etc]. Life is still beautiful without that person/r.s . there are also other aspects that demands your full attention. tell yourself also that you are a fine individual who just had a rough patch but its OK. you are still a privileged person who is generally healthy, safe, free, and have your loved ones around who care for you. and do things to improve yourself -go for classes, go to the gym, know more people, read more books. you might be surprised how much these help, in occupying your thoughts, in improving your character, and in boosting your self-esteem.

 

stay strong and be well! remember, life waits for no one. you can either continu to be stuck in the emotional gridlock, or force yourself out of the rut and trudge ahead in life, no matter how painful it is, because you know a little discipline is all it takes to get your life back on track, and you know there are more important things in life that is worth your attention.

[abigheart]

yonanz, excellent post! I'm at this current stage right now, and it feels good to read this as it reaffirms the way I'm feeling and approaching the break-up in a level-headed way. I've accepted my ex's decision and have come to even see that it is a blessing in disguise for me to truly work on myself and live my life without waiting for anyone. Easier said than done, but I'm getting there.

 

I completely agree that if we love someone, we want them to be happy, even if that means the need to let go. This was probably the most difficult thing for me. Even if I'm not in the picture, I want my ex to be happy. I'm sure they'd wish the same for us. yonanz, do you think I should have said this to him?

 

The last contact I made with him was an e-mail a few days ago that said I accepted his decision and have been seeing how this experience is making me see there are things I need to work on. It was sincere but straight-forward, no "I miss you"s or pleading/begging. I didn't want to bring out too many emotional things, but I am now regretting I didn't say that I want him to be happy, although I truly want him to be!! I think I'm looking into this way too much. I mean, it would be too stupid to even go back and respond to his reply saying that right?

 

Thanks

 

Any time I'm back in that rut, I'll read this thread.

[yonanz]

yonanz, excellent post! I'm at this current stage right now, and it feels good to read this as it reaffirms the way I'm feeling and approaching the break-up in a level-headed way. I've accepted my ex's decision and have come to even see that it is a blessing in disguise for me to truly work on myself and live my life without waiting for anyone. Easier said than done, but I'm getting there.

 

I completely agree that if we love someone, we want them to be happy, even if that means the need to let go. This was probably the most difficult thing for me. Even if I'm not in the picture, I want my ex to be happy. I'm sure they'd wish the same for us.

 

Thanks

 

Any time I'm back in that rut, I'll read this thread.

 

You are absolutely welcomed

 

 

Yes, letting go is tough, but that is what sets love apart from dependence/neediness. loving a person means wanting him/her to be happy. with OR without you. This is v important but few people understand this. Insisting or wanting a person to be with you when that person is unhappy is the epitome of selfishness. That is not love; it is neediness and overreliance.

 

Stay strong and take care!

[abigheart]

You are absolutely welcomed

 

 

Yes, letting go is tough, but that is what sets love apart from dependence/neediness. loving a person means wanting him/her to be happy. with OR without you. This is v important but few people understand this. Insisting or wanting a person to be with you when that person is unhappy is the epitome of selfishness. That is not love; it is neediness and overreliance.

 

Stay strong and take care!

 

Thanks! You didn't get a chance to answer my question

 

Think it'd be pointless to actually reply back with "I want you to be happy because I care about you a lot" or do you think he already assumes so since I told him I accepted the break-up?

[yonanz]

Thanks! You didn't get a chance to answer my question

 

Think it'd be pointless to actually reply back with "I want you to be happy because I care about you a lot" or do you think he already assumes so since I told him I accepted the break-up?

 

honestly it is not necessary. telling him you respect his decision is good enough.