Will the trust ever return?

[amandathepanda]

I am in a relationship of 18 months with a man that I work with. The first year or so were horrendous, spent with him yo-yoing backwards and forwards between me and his ex, despite having ended it just after we met. Throughout this year he lied and cheated, and was very brutal in his treatment of both me and his ex.

 

In hindsight, and there are many posts on here about it, I should have walked away immediately. But I didn't. A combination of low self esteem, co-dependence and his ability to lie very effectlvely kept me there and I was pulled through their split with them. I was also very attracted to him, and actually enjoyed his company.

 

Around 4 months ago, things ended between them for good - just after I ended the relationship with him, having got completely sick of his games and being unable to trust him any more. I received confirmation of this from his ex too, that the relationship was over. He then asked me if I would go to Relate with him for some relationship counselling. I agreed, as I felt it would actually be a good way for me to get some support and for him to here directly what effect his actions had had on me. The consequence of this was suprising - we seemed to reach some understanding of each other, and I found myself once again back in a relationship with him.

 

The counsellor was very good, we went for 6 weeks, and she told him very clearly that he must not expect miracles, that my trust will take time still to come back and that whilst it will never be 100%, we could probably get it "good enough".

 

So since counselling ended. I have been trying very hard, I think his efforts

have been patchy. I still have my fears and doubts and insecurities - can I be blamed for them? Occasionally I get the fear he will contact his ex again, or even be unfaithful with someone else, and he is not always as understanding as he could be when I express those feelings.

 

Yesterday however, there was an incident. I was on Facebook, looking at my own stuff, and out of curiosity I googled his exes name. Stupid, I know. Her profile appeared, and I spent some time looking at her photos and wall. This gave me some awful feelings, and my mind was turning over and over thinking about how he only lived down the road from her, did he miss her, just all the insecurities came up inside of me, really strongly.

 

I decided to call him, admit what I had done, admit that it was not well thought out, but ask him for some reassurance. I asked him if he thought about her, did he miss her ever. And he just shouted at me, told me it was a stupid thing to do, that he didnt care about her but he didnt want to hear about her either and that I was a freak for looking at her profile. I explained that I knew it wasnt a good thing to do but that I get insecure still at times, but he just carried on shouting and telling me that he wants peace from it. I put the phone down in the end, and he then text me to tell me that I am the only one digging in the past and to leave it alone.

 

Opinions please...

[Fudgie]

I think his reaction is totally unwarranted. Now, if you had not had such a bad past with him, I would say that you're being a little paranoid. But you've been hurt by this man in the past, and it's perfectly natural to still feel suspicious, worried, and in need of reassurance.

 

Want my true advice? I'd say leave the guy. But if you're not willing to do that and want to give him a second chance, then I'd say take this as a definite RED FLAG that he's not understanding of you and may not take what he did that seriously. He needs to show you with actions, not words, that he is worthy of your trust again, and deserves to be in a relationship with you.

 

Let this be his last chance. If you catch him lying/cheating or otherwise betraying your trust again in the future, then I'd drop him like a hot potato and move on.

[amandathepanda]

You know what Fudgie, this will probably be his 10th chance! I have ended it so many times in the past...

 

He just seems to want to be able to brush it all under the carpet, as though it never happened, and it's just not possible. When incidents like this occur and my insecurities happen, all I get is "F**cking move on", "chill out","can't we just have a laugh" and variations on that theme. He doesn't want the hard work, and just wants to wish the damage he did away...It's a shame because I actually believe we could have something good, I just can't brush my own feelings under the carpet just because its easier for him.

[catfeeder]

You ask if the trust can return, but it sounds as though it was never there in the first place.

 

What can be built without a foundation?

[Hermes]

Amanda:

 

This is not a "relationship", never was. It is called a "macabre dance". Sorry. If it hurts it isn't love, but something else entirely. But I am sure you know that. You yourself say the first year was "horrendous". So, I ask, what is great about this man, how do you see the future, what do you get out of the so-called relationship.

IMO this is a train going nowhere, but I think you know that.

 

 

Good luck

Hermes

[faithful14]

The trust can return but only after the person shows that they are consistently honest and open with you over a long period of time. I'm appalled that after everything this guy does, he yells at you when you feel insecure. Instead of reassuring you and building a strong relationship with you, he makes you feel bad. If he doesn't want to try make this relationship better, then don't stick around for him to change. It's not fair to constantly sit around and wonder if he's cheating or lying to you about something. Seriously, if he can't step up and make the changes needed for this relationship to work, I would contemplate just leaving him for good.

[zinny]

amandathepanda, you're story since eerily similar to mine.... with my ex keeping his ex in our life and bouncing back to her when things between us went rough. although to this day he reiterates it was just as a friend.... and she still remains "just a friend"..... and he wants to work things out with me, but still has a giant mess to clean up that he created. but in anycase... this is your thread, not mine - so i'm not going to hijack it.

 

i know where you are coming from and i don't think you are over-reacting.... as long as you are being honest. trust will take a very, very, very long time to repair.... but as long as you want to try and repair it, he needs to put in his part too.

 

it's not as simple as just "getting over it".... wanting to work on something with your ex after being betrayed takes time and effort.... sometimes it will work out and sometimes it won't. i find your bf's behaviour very similar to my ex in which he gets angry when i show any sense of distrust towards him or brings up the past. but i tell him again and again, it's because i'm not over it... and you know what... if you want to be with me, you're going to have to deal with it... and if you don't want to... then there's the door.

 

you're bf is just trying to avoid taking accountability by thrusting some blame on you... for something that isn't your fault. you need to heal in your own time and in your own way and i don't blame you for that in the slightest.

[lost my keys]

I've been in a similar situation. Not with another girl involved but with mixed messages from my guy. We broke up a few months back just before our relationship moved to the next level (living together). Although it was his idea and he pushed for it, the thought of that commitment when it came down to the crunch was too much for him and he backed off at the eleventh hour. A few days later he was back saying he couldn't be without me. We got back together and have been taking it slowly on the basis that I thought he had a lot to prove and wanted to give him that chance. A few months down the line and it's like he has brushed the whole incident under the carpet thinking we are ok again with little effort on his part to show that he does really want to be with me and mixed messages - one day its 'move in again' and the next it's like he has never said it. I'm left feeling uncertain of anything and unable to read him and know where I stand. If I get insecure, worried or have difficulty trusting him somehow I end up feeling that I am the one with the problem.

 

I'm starting to learn that this is a bit like passive aggressive behaviour - putting the blame on me rather than opening up and taking responsibility for a relationship which his words say he wants to be in. I think the trust can only come back when the actions start speaking louder than words and at the moment for us it is a slow process.

 

In my case, I'm seeing what happens as I think it is a fear of commitment getting in the way but at the moment it's too soon to tell. I don't yet want to throw in the towel but I am also aware that I can't live in limbo forever. In your case however it sounds like the relationship has been rocky since the start and even still he's not willing to go the extra mile to put it right, expecting you to do all the donkey work. No matter how much you love him, you can't do all the work for both of you all of the time so you have to reach a point where you assess if this is the right relationship for you to enable your needs to be met, not just his. Relationships should be near to equal but as the one who has lost your trust he should be doing what he can to earn it back IMO.

 

Good luck!

[amandathepanda]

Brilliant responses, thank you Everyone!! xx