Being friends w/Dumper: Do THEY ever have change of heart and want r'ship again?

[fuddiduddy]

As sudden and as strange as it happened, it wasn't a bitter breakup. The relationship was going well, and no one did anything wrong (according to him).

 

My ex of only 7 mos. (1 yr. if you include our dating stage) decided to break up with me 3 weeks ago over his not being able dealing with a personal phobia/medical problem--pharmacophobia, the fear of medication). He claims he just "wants to be alone" and, for the most part, he has isolated himself from several friends, missed a lot of work and dropped out of grad school. He also claims that none of this has anything to with me and that the r'ship was "wonderful." However, he also said he hopes we can still be friends during his difficult time. I hesitated, stuttered, hemmed and hawed and replied, "well, that would be hard for most people in my situation...we tend to want all-or-none at this point...but, uhhh, ok, I guess I can try." With that, we continue to do the LC route via short and polite texting.

 

Realistically, I already know that since I still have romantic feelings for him being just truly "friends" will be next to impossible. I suspect by next week I'll be telling him, "Sorry, but despite the gravity of your situation, I cannot just switch gears so easy and just be your 'friend'...It's a losing situation for me...Thanks, but no thanks, I tried."

 

In all honesty, the main reason I agreed to try the friendship route is that I'm trying to maintain a sense of compassion for him during a truly traumatic time (BTW, he's seeing a therapist for his phobia and I believe his situation is only temporary and not as serious as he thinks it is, thus I consider all of this as giving him some space that he needs.--I could be wrong, it could be permanent I feel he DOES need support right now and I'd hate to feel so selfish as to totally abandon him during a time when, in his mind, his scary crisis takes precedence over any relationship and its issues. But at the same time, I do not want to be unfair to myself. This is why I felt better replying the way I did--I considered it a compromise of sorts.

 

Of course, the secondary reason for agreeing to friendship is that I am clinging to hope that he'll turn around. That goes without saying.

 

So my question to the dumpees: For those of you who have gone the "friends" route post-breakup, did your ex, at some point, feel that that wasn't working for them, eventually concluding they prefer a real relationship with you? I'm asking because I feel like I might be sabotaging things by telling him I don't wanna be friends while beginning NC.

 

In my heart, I believe our "breakup" is only him getting space to think about his personal problem. He even admitted that he "goes back and forth" trying to decide getting back with me or remaining single.

[Lastchallenge]

I can't comment but I think your doing very well. I wish I kept my cool like u

I tried being friends (she left me) it was just getting worse for both of us

[smile4you]

I do talk to my exes every now and then but I don't consider them friends. for me, the emotional roller coaster I went through with them lost my trust in them. I can't be friends with someone I dont trust.

[GenoGeno]

I'm in the same situation, i feel like i should support her but i don't know how well the friend thing will stand on my heart. The only reason i would go friends is to hopefully get back with her...I wonder if when people lose feelings for someone it's hard to ever get them back?

[jenmar]

Once someone loses feelings for you once, they can lose them again-

my ex wont even speak to me, its been two weeks since ive talked to him- I even told him I just want to at least be friends,, nothing.

the more I think about it the more I realize that no i dont want someone back that broke my heart and thought that life without me would be better.

 

 

but to answer the original question, I dont think its healthy to remain friends in hopes that a relationship will blossom again.

[GenoGeno]

I know it's not healthy and i know it's definitely not easy. But, i gotta try at least for a bit.

I'll give it til' the end of April.