I can't get past his looks...

[smile4you]

I had a first date with someone who has a huge crush on me but I can't say the same about me. He is a really nice guy with his priorities in line but he's not drop dead grogerous. I don't want to settle and I don't want to think he's the best I can get. But He's everything I want but I can't get passed his looks. What am I suppose to do?

 

I'm having a hard time because my expectations are high and he doesn't meet up to them...yet. For example, I like a gentlemen. He paid for dinner and is polite but he didn't bring me flowers, open doors for me, or even walk me to my door. Am I suppose to tell him to be a gentlemen because I like it? At the end of the night we ran out of things to talk about and had those awkward silences. I was excited to go on the date but was excited to get home.

 

What would you do if you were in my position? See where it goes or don't sell myself short?

[Green Mile]

Well for starters, I wouldn't have thought about giving a girl flowers on a first date! I'd assume she'd find that a bit forward. It sounds like your expectations and ideas are set far too high. Looks aren't everything and if you persist with finding somebody who meets your narrow criteria you may never find them.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes I feel like us guys can't win.

[foxbat74]

So is it about looks or behaviour? The behaviour is definitely changeable - looks may be too - plastic surgery can make miracles

Flowers for the first date could be an overkill - happened to me once.

Opening door - if nobody asked him to do it before he probably wouldn't know.

It is really hard to meet somebody who would be perfect...and would be single

[smile4you]

Well for starters, I wouldn't have thought about giving a girl flowers on a first date! I'd assume she'd find that a bit forward. It sounds like your expectations and ideas are set far too high. Looks aren't everything and if you persist with finding somebody who meets your narrow criteria you may never find them.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes I feel like us guys can't win.

 

I was told I needed to lower my standards and I know I may never find what I'm looking for. That's what kills me, if sell myself short and he isn't the one

[dr_styles]

FWIW I wouldn't do flowers on the first date either and I'm big on doing dinner dates with them - usually the 2nd or 3rd date overall which I'd make a dinner one. The premise being you buy the flowers to show that the girl is worth it, rather than seeming to try and win her over with them.

 

Definitely should not settle for looks, but only you know your own dating situation in general, like telling a dateless guy not to settle is a little harder than someone with options. On one hand I'd say give it a go (I know I'd certainly want as many chances I can get) but at the same time your gripe is with his looks too, something which can't change unless it's a fashion thing.

[_Asti_]

Here's my story.

 

When I met my boyfriend, he fell for me isntantly. Me, not so much. In fact I had no interest in him because I didn't feel the sparks, or chemistry or had the 'lust at first sight' attraction to him.

I wrote him off.

 

But our social circles overlapped, and he was good friends with my good friend. We started talking alot, and as I got to know him...he had all the qualities I wanted in a partner.

 

I was truly torn, because there was this guy who personality and quality wise, had it all..and was I willing to throw that away because he didn't knock my socks off physically?

 

I do admit, his personality was very attractive, and thats where I started to feel different. I found myself wanting to talk to him, there was SOMETHING there because with time I developed that giddy feeling, he made me feel in a way that no one ever had....

 

After many months of just being friends, I agreed to officially go on a date. Date turned into many dates, and then a relationship.

 

Its been 6 amazing years. He continues to wow me, blows me away, his qualities are still spot on, and in my eyes he's perfect for me. I find him attractive in sooo many ways, and yes I do find him attractive physically now. When the feelings shifted in me for him, I saw him in a totally different light. I think he's absolutely beautiful, inside and out, and we're looking at getting married in the next year and I couldn't be happier to think of spending my life with this man.

 

I didn't have to force myself. And I certainly do not feel like I settled. I feel like I hit the jackpot. But I wouldn't have known that or figured it out unless I gave it a shot.

 

And I think thats where it may be different for you. You're already dating. Now for some people, they need that physical attractive right from the start, and thats completely fine. But a great personality, and being a great person can make someone very beautiful in a totally different way.

[Green Mile]

^^ Nice story!

[agent1607307371]

Flowers on a first date? Tbh, every time I've had someone bring me something other than themselves on a first date I've felt like they were trying to get gratitude sex. I don't trust anything like that.

 

As for the rest, yes, give a little smile and say "Are you going to be a gent and see me to my door?" None of these things are "have to's" anymore so getting irritated that he doesn't do them anyway is daft if you won't make it known you like it.

 

Soemtimes you sell yourself short by having low expectations and sometimes you can sell yourself short by having ridiculous expectations. You should give him another two dates, because I know I've been on dates with people whose looks didn't blow me away initially but as I got to know them, they became so much more attractive to me.

[pinkelephant]

I would say your priorities are over to top, but I mean, everybody is different. I don't think it's unrealistic because I've had guys do all those things for me. Ironically, I hate those stuff since I'm a very basic girl.

 

I think you could try hinting at it that you like these stuff. It's so hard to find someone that is compatible with you in a fundamental kind of way, letting these fluffy things get in a way might be a bad idea.

[BriarRose]

I think you are just not attracted to him and if he had "opened doors" and "brought you flowers" it wouldn't have changed a thing.

 

In my experience, the less attractive men have treated me far better than the really good looking ones. This is by no means meant to offend good-looking people. It's just been my experience. But I can understand that you can't force attraction, either.

[Zerohero]

I think you are just not attracted to him and if he had "opened doors" and "brought you flowers" it wouldn't have changed a thing.

 

In my experience, the less attractive men have treated me far better than the really good looking ones. This is by no means meant to offend good-looking people. It's just been my experience. But I can understand that you can't force attraction, either.

 

 

Well the sad truth is that the above average people in looks know they dont have to worry about attracting someone like the original poster.

 

The above average looking people will tell a average person " yea you can find someone, its not that hard" ignoring the fact that their personality isn't all that great, and they are not all that funny, but because they have good looks they will attract someone like this original poster easy.

[DN]

I think you need to understand that you should give as much in a relationship as you take. There is more to being in a relationship than expecting to be treated like a princess while you treat a boyfriend like a servant.

[BriarRose]

Well the sad truth is that the above average people in looks know they dont have to worry about attracting someone like the original poster.

 

The above average looking people will tell a average person " yea you can find someone, its not that hard" ignoring the fact that their personality isn't all that great, and they are not all that funny, but because they have good looks they will attract someone like this original poster easy.

I agree. While an uber-good looking person is not necessarily by any means less ethical than an average or below-average looking person, they are undoutably presented with more opportunities.

[Batya33]

Sort of in line with what Asti (sp?) wrote if you can get past your "dissection" analysis - meaning, you dissect him into "looks" "personality" and "behavior" to see if he meets your standards - and instead, think about him as a whole package (where looks matter, of course, but as part of a whole package) you might find that your perspective shifts to a healthier place. Do you want to be dissected into "pair of boobs", "legs" and "sense of humor"/intelligence? Ick.

 

I agree that flowers on a first date is certainly not essential and can be over the top.

 

If you do decide that you need a certain "level" of physical features to meet your needs, do him a favor and let him find someone else. Of course you should be attracted to him but it sounds like your focus is more on whether he looks good or you would be proud to be seen with him given his physical features rather than whether you feel a spark (which has something to do with "looks" but not in the way you're regarding it).

[aurevoir]

He is a nice guy. You are going to essentially reject him because of his looks?

Okay i know it can be a little bothersome... but my boyfriend when we first met, he was not the guy I expected to date - on a physical level - but then as time grew, I really got to know him and he is such a wonderful person lol! To think how I could ever let looks get in the way of finding someone special. He changed too, he wasn't quite the looker back then but wow, now he is HOT. Yes he is, and now he has a lot more woman trying to go out with him then before. But of course he's faithful to me and only me. And it's a good thing because I stayed with him and changed him and helped him grow as a person and he can't thank me enough. It's a huge reward. So stop being shallow and give it a chance. Im tired of females being way too demanding.

[OntheWire]

I don't think flowers on a first date means high standards... I think it means weirdness. Maybe it would have went over well in the 1800's when everyone was reading the Bronte sisters and Jane Austen, but today it just means you're a creepy stalker that writes bad poetry and listens to Morrissey in the shower.

[smile4you]

I'm feeling really guilty and I know all of you are like "yes you should".

 

Here's the thing. I know I'm a catch and everyone else knows this as well. It's not because of my looks, its because of how I have set my life out to be. But I'm sure he is shallow too, he fell for me for my looks first before getting to know me.

 

I have dated a guy far worst looking because his personality won me over. But he was a * * * * * * * . I also dated a decent looking guy who was a sweet heart but was a player. This new guy is in the middle. I see potential but I'm scared and maybe I'm just using his looks as an excuse to get out. Personality is worth more than looks to me but my experiences have made me wary. I guess Im being picky because I'm looking for my husband, not someone to just date. But everyone, including from here, has convinced me to give him a chance because there's something there that everyone sees that I don't.

[G-Snap]

All I gotta add is you would feel pretty bad about a guy you went out with that didn't like you and didn't want to go out with you again because you were not "drop dead gorgeous". It wouldnt matter if you are great looking or not, not everyone in the world has the same opinion on what is drop dead gorgeous, so you won't be in that view to every person you meet.

 

And this is 2010, I don't know 40 year old guys who bring flowers to a first date much less younger ones.

 

He isn't drop dead gorgeous and didn't bring you flowers. LOL good luck finding mr. right.

These are very high expectations.

[G-Snap]

Good luck with your dating efforts!

[catfeeder]

Flowers? Were you going to a prom?

 

Seriously though, you're not 'wrong' or 'bad' when you can't force yourself to feel an affinity for someone. This always made me feel like a high-maintenance horror because I'd suffer challenges from family and friends that backed me into a useless corner of trying to come up with negatives about him as a way 'out'.

 

Don't set yourself up for that trap; it's not necessary.

 

You don't need to villainize someone just because you're not into him. Dating is all about learning whether you're compatible, and if you ARE, you won't need a tick sheet. If you are not, then chalk it up to lack of chemistry and trust you'll find other dates in the future.

 

Avoid my mistakes--don't allow people to talk you into doing anything you don't WANT to do. Keep your complaints to yourself, and don't invite loved ones to meddle in your business. Don't invent dumb standards, they'll just go out the window when you fall for someone anyway.

 

Meet people human-to-human. That's how we stumble on good friendships without a list. When the chemistry is right, you'll know it. It could take dating many men, or it could happen with the next one, but if dating makes you rigid and fearful, you won't allow yourself to relax into good synchronicity with ANYone.

[I_Speak_Jive]

I know I'm a catch and everyone else knows this as well.

 

This may be true, but you are using "looks" as the currency of payment for your self-proclaimed awesomeness. You think you are a catch, and you think that this entitles you to have a "drop dead gorgeous" man, the same way as I would think that being a millionaire would entitle me to buy a Porsche.

 

Finding someone irresistible and finding them "drop dead gorgeous" can be (and often are) two very different things. The first one can apply to a wide range of looks, and it normally happens when a secure, mature person meets someone who blows them away with their personality, kindness, intelligence, charm, humor, etc. The second one means someone who looks the way marketing departments have decided he should, and who will therefore make your girlfriends jealous and give you the social status you think you deserve.

 

The first one is real, human connection. The second one is... currency.

 

Me, I would take a good ol' 1970s Mini Cooper with character and stamina any day over a bland flashy Porsche with no backside. Then again I am all about the backside. Man, I'd drive that Mini like it's never been driven before. But that's probably because I don't give two sh!ts about what other people think about what I like.

 

In addition,

 

I like a gentlemen. He paid for dinner and is polite but he didn't bring me flowers, open doors for me, or even walk me to my door.

 

one day you will realize that being a 'gentleman' doesn't entail treating a woman like she is a mildly retarded invalid. It entails showing a genuine interest in her, listening to her and having enough respect for her to talk to her like a full-fledged human being, and not treat her like a trophy vase with silk gloves on.

 

Look, physical attraction is an absolute must for me when it comes to dating. I just managed to free myself from the shackles of what is imposed on me as "attractive" when I turned 20-something. Since then, the pool of people I find attractive has expanded quite a bit, and now includes a very nice range of shapes, sizes, ages and features.

[smile4you]

All I gotta add is you would feel pretty bad about a guy you went out with that didn't like you and didn't want to go out with you again because you were not "drop dead gorgeous". It wouldnt matter if you are great looking or not, not everyone in the world has the same opinion on what is drop dead gorgeous, so you won't be in that view to every person you meet.

 

And this is 2010, I don't know 40 year old guys who bring flowers to a first date much less younger ones.

 

He isn't drop dead gorgeous and didn't bring you flowers. LOL good luck finding mr. right.

These are very high expectations.

 

Is being a gentleman too much to ask for. I know there are guys who do bring flowers on dates, even the first one. You all make it sound extinct. I guess I'm more of a romantic type than most of you. You all must be the type where you believe valentine days or anniversaries are days to only get gifts for your special someone.

[G-Snap]

Romance and being a gentleman has little to do with flowers and all about how a man treats you.

You all must be the type where you believe valentine days or anniversaries are days to only get gifts for your special someone.

 

Absolutely not, and you sound like someone who judges people based on very limited intel.

[smile4you]

Romance and being a gentleman has little to do with flowers and all about how a man treats you.

 

 

Absolutely not, and you sound like someone who judges people based on very limited intel.

 

 

True and it all may be to win you over for a one night stand.

[foxbat74]

Is being a gentleman too much to ask for. I know there are guys who do bring flowers on dates, even the first one. You all make it sound extinct. I guess I'm more of a romantic type than most of you. You all must be the type where you believe valentine days or anniversaries are days to only get gifts for your special someone.

 

Being a gentleman of course is important. But a culture of a lot of people is being shaped by an environment. If he never dated a person with the same expectations, like you have, he probably wouldn't know that he is doing something wrong (in your eyes) . If you become a part of his environment most likely it will shape him too.

Patience and understanding frequently lead to success. High expectations without understanding very frequently lead to failure.