Im Effin tired of this BS, cant seem to move on with my life,

[shadowcat]

I feel like im carrying a big wieght on my shoulders, im really tired of myself, my shyness,my social anxiety..its eating me up inside taking away any meaning in meeting new people, or being around people in general. This feeling is so hopeless, to see that your whole life you were never accepted,couldnt get the girl you wanted, have a decent gf, i did have a few girlfriends in my life but all ended misrably,the girl would realize what type of loser she was dealing with. Just today i went with my sister to her town where she goes to college,i guess she wanted to hook me up seeing my current situation as hopeless, since i had a bad relationship with a girl...so we went anyways and i happened to meet her classmates and some friends,they all said hi, but when i went to start a conversation with them, they all looked at me weird,like i was some kind of alien, just the look on there faces was like "okay" "ahuh" ive always wondered why people would do that to me always, im sick of that shyt(sorry) im just really frustrated, i cant even get a girl, seems like they all detest me, i mean im not an ugly guy, maybe not the greatest looking either but im not asking for much just a little respect,growing up ive always had this problem..seems like ill never get out of this dungeon of misery,i feel left alone in the dark,yelling out to the walls but my voice comes back to me, and haunts me even more in my loneliness,sometimes i think im from another planet...

sorry for my emo rant, feeling fed up

[yonkeehoi]

Hang in there, bud. (that was a good rant too)

[easyguy]

Shadowcat, may I ask how old you are?

[shadowcat]

im 25 man .....

[easyguy]

im 25 man .....

 

Good, so we can kind of relate with the age aspect.

 

I didn't start to open up with people and become less shy until maybe a year ago, or even less than that. The way I see it, if you try to tackle your insecurity issues by investing all your energy in conquering shyness in and of itself, you are going to be disappointed. In other words, well, I give you a brief story.

 

Last summer, I spent a month in New York City, traveling by myself and staying on peoples' couches during the entire visit, relationships established online through a website (for the most part). I was in NYC for multiple reasons, all of which had nothing to do with socializing per se. However, in order for me to have taken care of the things I set out to do, I had to step out of my comfort zone and be real with people and let myself go a little more than I was used to. If I got lost, it was helpful to ask for directions from a stranger. When I spent time with the people I was staying with, it would have been rude to be to myself and at a distance from them, because here was my chance to meet people that could be great connections if I ended up moving to the city. I mean, I wasn't the most sociable person around them, but I wasn't closed off, either.

 

I came back home from that trip totally confident in myself, not because of what I knew I was great at, but because of how often my weaknesses rose to the surface. I must have gotten lost at least two dozens times. I didn't approach people as easily as I had anticipated, et cetera. However, upon my return, I had the most amount of self-confidence I ever had. The growth in that regard developed out of self-realization - that which says Hey, I messed up a lot and know my shortcomings, but I conquered the entire trip by myself for the first time in my life. Still high on life, I met my first girlfriend a month after being back.

 

Okay, so that wasn't a terribly short story.. but what I'm trying to say is, a boost in confidence or getting out of your shell, opening up, et cetera occurs (at least from my experience) as a symptom to something else. The break up with my girlfriend about a month ago has opened me up twice as much, to the point where I can hardly stand to be at home by myself on a regular basis anymore. I feel I have to spend time with fresh energy and make new friends and be present in pubic places with people I know and don't know, to enjoy life.

 

Dating for me has never been a top priority. Rightfully so. You have to take in personal experiences that are out of genuine interest that are a reminder of the joys that come from the human experience. We all have the capacity to love ourselves. It's a matter of reconfiguring in our minds what is important to us. Dating is a lot like gambling. Those who hold gambling at a high regard will most likely become jaded as a result of the high likelihood of undesired results. If you are putting in vast amounts of energy to find a girlfriend or suddenly become unshy, you're going to jade yourself. Take the dice out of your hand and step outside to enjoy the fresh air.

 

This probably got on a huge tangent, but I hope you took in something helpful from this. Basically, it's a matter of lowering and raising the pegs. If you are painfully shy around women, don't even think about dating. First try to make friends and develop a social life. There's nothing wrong with being able to hang with women platonically before thinking about dating. Once you begin to open up as a symptom of something else, then dates will happen, the love you have for yourself will be noticed by more women than you think, and in turn, you will appear more attractive.

[shadowcat]

seems alot to remember, but i know what you have been saying, sometimes its just hard for me to step out of my shell and get comfortable with people, the many times that i have tried stepping out, people seem to reject me and not want to associate with me, maybe it dont mean much but when it happens almost everytime you cant help but feel that it hurts.

[easyguy]

seems alot to remember, but i know what you have been saying, sometimes its just hard for me to step out of my shell and get comfortable with people, the many times that i have tried stepping out, people seem to reject me and not want to associate with me, maybe it dont mean much but when it happens almost everytime you cant help but feel that it hurts.

 

It's not so much a matter of remembering anything. You just have to be yourself, as cliche as that phrase is. When you meet the right people, you'll know what I'm talking about. The people who are negative around you aren't people you really want in your life, anyway.

 

Hit up different places, find a weekly "home away from home". I've been going to the same hang out (which is a jam session for the musician side of me) almost every week for about 2 1/2 years. If there's anything that has allowed me to comfortably open up, it is consistent social opportunities that are intertwined with something that I have a passion for participating in (music). Doesn't mean you have to go to bars, but the reality of it is, you have to make your social life happen yourself.

 

I can't offer anything else other than give it time and don't try to conquer this overnight.

[shadowcat]

yeah i been going to drivers ed and sometimes its hard to open up to people, the only way i opened up is when i went out to smoke weed. Had a session with a couple classmates i didnt know and we talked a bit, other then that i just kept to myself

[lmd223]

I'm exactly the same as you bro. I've been trying to get over my shyness my whole life - and it seems like the more I consciously think of being shy, the worse it becomes and the more depressed I become. One thing that helps me though, is just to do me and be confident. If somebody doesn't like me, I just say fck it because when you think about it, there's millions of people out there and one person's opinion won't make or break me. My advice is to just be confident, and stay true to yourself.

[Seba]

My shyness is odd. I am an extrovert, life of the party type, but around women I am bashful. When I was a teen I had looks on my side and found that girls would approach me and ask me out. So I never really flexed my flirt muscles. Whatever, I ended up having a long term relationship that lasted well into my late 20's from the time I was 18. I had little flings on the side, again initiated by them. Now I am a little older and still clueless. Not being in school or social settings, ect. has atrophied my social muscles. Yes, I am very shy. No one would ever guess that I have that problem. But underneath what seems to be a happy go lucky demeanor I blush around women, and at this age it ain't cute anymore to them. So basically I at am square one. Perhaps even worse. So the key as easyguy said is to let go. Do not concentrate on breaking it, that will only psych you out. Trust me the advice is a great one.

The only difference I have more miles than you folks but I circumvented everything by being socially lazy. Sure I got laid but throw me in a setting with folks and quiet company, and oh * * * * the panic sets in.

[jackshiwt]

Girls are more afraid of you then you of them. If it's a phobia though then you might have some imbalance in the brain. Don't go getting on anti psych drugs because often they make it much worse over the long term. Just start exercising. Lift weights, jog, hit a punching bag. It helps sweat out toxins and at the same time build confidence. Plus chick will dig the physique. Don't be cocky or narcissistic just be neutral about yourself. Not cocky but not vulnerable (strong in emotion and body). Find the middle ground and good luck.

[meli083]

I was always a shy person. I would RARELY say something in class and was scared at looking at people. The fear itself was what held me back along with limited beliefs like "I'll never change". That's nonsense because you can always change, I don't care how old you are.

 

The reason I say this is because, taking myself out of my comfort zone has helped me tremendously. I used to have this immense fear of public speaking and would get jittery and anxious every time I gave a speech. Now I live for that stuff because I know, no matter what goes down, I'll be a better person after it.

 

I recommend going out of your comfort zone. The thing is, most people aren't really "comfortable" in their comfort zone. It's just a safe place for them. When you do something your not used to and puts a lot of pressure on you, it really changes you. You can read read read all you want but 95% of self-improvement happens when you ACT. Words are there to guide you, action is key. This is coming from a guy who is literally always the quietest guy in class and doesn't speak up, barely. I KNOW if I can change, then you can too.

 

It's also about reframing your mind. If you think about it there are about 7 billion different views on the world and realities. Do you think yours is the right one? Doubt it, there's always room to be open and believe in something else. Your map of the world is just an opinion; a self-written map. It could be limited and it could be wrong in some places. What expands that map is exploring new things, doing new things, going outside of your boundary. Again: NUMBER 1: TAKING ACTION, NUMBER 2: everything else, IMHO.

 

Go out, do something, find a hobby. I find that acting WHILE the depressed feeling is there is the best thing to do for yourself.

 

P.S. This always cheers me up. Go to YouTube and search free hugs and click on the 1st video. When you know how far the depths of the human heart stretch, that's sometime inspiration enough to go out and get things done.