Lots of family issues! Help please!

[ClementineK]

I recently reconnected with my dad's side of the family. I just saw them this past week after not seeing or talking to them in 11 years. The trip down to see them was amazing. However two major issues are really bugging me.

 

1. One of my cousins killed himself a little over a year ago. It's obvious that his dad, my uncle, is struggling with this. I think everyone else is managing better but at times it felt like a few of his siblings, my cousins, were also still very upset. I dared not bring it up when I was present but I am so worried about my uncle. I have no idea how to comfort him or support him through something like this. Any suggestions?

 

2. Although I reconnected with my dad's side of the family-- I have NOT reconnected with my dad. I haven't spoken or heard from him in about 10 years. However, I did find his facebook page. I'm just curious if people would think if it's a good idea to befriend him via facebook and attempt to reconnect with him. I know he lives very close by to me and I have accidentally run into him a few times. When that happened I just bolted the scene 'cause I really didn't know what to do. I'm not sure what I would say to him or go about it. Any suggestions??

 

Thanks everyone!

 

-Clementine

[ClementineK]

Seriously... 24 views and no one has anything to say? I don't know why I keep posting.

 

*edit*

 

Please, people... I know this is an extremely active forum. I really need some advice, suggestions, words of encouragement, anything.

[Bella20]

1. I don't know if I would try anything if you JUST started reconnecting with him. Give it some time, get to know your uncle better, and then maybe bring it up.

 

2. I actually have a good story for you. I found my dad's e-mail address and decided to e-mail him (hadn't had contact with him for 18 years). It turned out great, now I finally have a dad, though he is a bit immature, it's good to know he's in my life in a way. I added him on FB too

 

3. Please don't quote my message. I might decide to delete it later to keep the story about my dad private.

 

^_^ BEST OF Luck

[Maroney555]

Hii

 

sorry no one has posted for you....

 

And again, sorry, I have no real experieNce with suicide, but, even though you ARE family, since you have been out of touch for so long it might he a bad idea to directly talk to your uncle...maybe talk to someone else who is close with him instead and express you concern via that family member/friend.

 

Your dad I think you should try to contact him, but with an open mind knowing he nay not contact you back. I don't know what kind of grounds your relationship was left on but 10 years is a long time. Just be willing to accept rejection....proceed with caution, but I sincerely don't think it's a bad idea. I'd want to reconcile with a "close" family member if there wasn't any kind of raunchy past with them (hope that makes sense).

 

Good luck-xxx,

maroney

[greywolf]

For me, reconnecting with my dad would depend on the reasons we lost contact in the first place. Because I am on bad terms with my dad, my first reaction is to say don't try to reconnect with him. But I really don't know the situation between you two.

[catfeeder]

Hello Clementine,

I doubt anyone is snubbing your thread, but rather most likely feel unqualified to discuss two sensitive situations with which few have had experience. I'm not qualified, either, but I'll give these my best shot.

 

The best way I can think of to be supportive with your uncle is to just become a subtle presence in his life. Demonstrate availability. If he lives far away, use email, post and phone to the best of your ability. Be consistent with pings of contact without taking offense if he's not up to responding. I would keep contact regular but occasional, avoiding pressure for his reply.

 

As for conversations, I would follow his lead and not raise the death unless he does. If he raises his son's name at any point in another context, I would not view that as an opening to jump in and discuss the death. I would respect his limits while gently offering your interest in being connected with him over time.

 

[EDIT: Just want to add that your uncle could view your newness in his life as a welcome relief from carrying the burden of shared grief. In other words, when someone comes into your life after a tragedy, you can relax expectations of their ultra-sensitivity to your past. This is why it can be good to just follow his lead and not probe something he may be relieved to let rest with someone new.]

 

As for reaching out to your Dad, it could be the opening he's looking for--but nobody can know this. He may be a different person from the one who lost contact with you, or he may not. He may believe that he's respecting your boundaries given that your reaction has been to flee from him. If you don't get a response from the FB, you can at least consider it a brave try.

 

I guess the biggest answer to 'should I' would come from your own gut. If not getting a reply would set you too far back, then you're your own best guide. If you feel that you could be pragmatic enough about him possibly stuffing too much guilt to know how to respond to you, then you wouldn't be losing anything by the effort.

 

The only thing I'd hesitate about with FB is if your own pages are cluttered with stuff you wouldn't exactly want your father to see. I'd do some cleanup first, and I'd ask my friends to use discretion on my wall.

 

Fingers crossed for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

1. One of my cousins killed himself a little over a year ago. It's obvious that his dad, my uncle, is struggling with this. I think everyone else is managing better but at times it felt like a few of his siblings, my cousins, were also still very upset. I dared not bring it up when I was present but I am so worried about my uncle. I have no idea how to comfort him or support him through something like this. Any suggestions?

 

While you are getting reacquainted with everyone it is best just to keep the lines of communication open. Keep in touch with your uncle and your cousins on a regular basis. I am sure your cousins are also having a tough time. Over time they may open up to you about what happened. Maybe you can find out if there are any relevant bereavement support groups in their area..and in the future as you get closer to them you can suggest a support group. Other than that, just let them know that you are there for them.

 

2. Although I reconnected with my dad's side of the family-- I have NOT reconnected with my dad. I haven't spoken or heard from him in about 10 years. However, I did find his facebook page. I'm just curious if people would think if it's a good idea to befriend him via facebook and attempt to reconnect with him. I know he lives very close by to me and I have accidentally run into him a few times. When that happened I just bolted the scene 'cause I really didn't know what to do. I'm not sure what I would say to him or go about it. Any suggestions??

 

It would help to know the circumstances behind the falling out. Do you have your father's phone number? Why not reconnect by phone. Facebook is fine for long lost friends but this is your father so I think it would be better to do a more personal connection by giving him a call.

[alli]

What is your dad's relationship with his family? Do they have contact with him, or is there bad blood going on there? If they are on good terms, I would probably try to contact him & develop a relationship if that is what you want. But if they do not get along & his family has steam coming out of their ears when his name is mentioned, I'd say take one thing at a time and strengthen your bond with his family before reaching out to him.

[ClementineK]

Hey Everyone,

I appreciate the replies from all of you. I know this is a tough subject but I really need some help working it out in my brain.

 

1st.

 

Bella20- I thought my Uncle would bring it up. There's pictures of my cousin all over the house and a whole collage of him. I think there's more pictures of him than anyone else. You'd think it would get brought up before I had to. I just want to know if my Uncle is gonna be okay because he looked REALLY on edge.

 

Maroneey555- I do plan on communicating with my Aunt about my Uncle's status because apparently they do talk often (BTW this is not his wife. It's getting confusing using just titles and no names and no backgrounds to the names lol)

 

catfeeder & Crazyaboutdogs- My Uncle is being very weird. I know you two mentioned to keep the line of communication open but he's kind of severing that. His phone to his house and cell doesn't work about half the time. I don't believe he has email or either his computer doesn't work. And I think he doesn't have a pager anymore lol. Two of his children, my cousins, are acting a similar way. Just letting phones die or not paying the bill-- not because they don't have the money but 'cause they don't care. They all knew for several months that I was planning on coming down to visit. When I get down there... it was like pulling teeth to see them. They wouldn't come over to my Aunt's for a BBQ or just to visit. I couldn't believe the lack of enthusiasm to see me.

 

2nd.

 

Bella20 - That's a sweet story. I hope mine goes well like yours.

 

Maroney555 & greywolf & crazyaboutdogs - The grounds we left on were: My parents divorced and he was suppose to move in state and be an active force in my life. Instead he moved everywhere but in state, never sent child support, made promises he would come visit and spend time with me but never do it. Finally I confronted him on the phone and asked why he did that. He told me I was not an adult so I wouldn't understand. I was close if not 13 at the time and 100% convinced I was an adult. I took great offense and told him I'd talk to him when he thought I was an adult and hung up.

 

I don't *think* he'll reject or ignore me any more than he has already if I contact him. I'm just afraid of the idea of talking to him. He may not contact me back for fear that I may want money. Which money would be really nice but that's not my reason for wanting to reconnect with him.

 

catfeeder- My dad prolly is a different person-- it's been 10 years. I just hope it's a different person for the better not the worse. I'm not sure if my dad knew it was me when he saw me. I think he may just be too embarrassed to contact me after all the years. My Aunt and Uncle have been trying to mend the fences with him for years and failed repeatedly. I kind of feel like it might be a pointless effort. That he is beyond reason or reach.

 

Oh pfft. I don't have anything on my FB that I don't want everyone to see. The only thing I wouldn't want him to know is my exact location... my address... where I work, etc. Which isn't on there... but I'm still worried... that he may come up to me in the grocery store or at my work and make things really awkward for me.

 

Crazyaboutdogs- I don't have his number and no one I know does either. He changes phones regularly. He's a shifty, no-good type of person. I'm actually shocked he has a FB. I was in denial for about 5 minutes saying, "That's not my Dad. That can't be my Dad. That kind of looks like my Dad. He looks like he's on meth. OMG my Dad looks like he's on meth." He seriously looks terrible.

 

alli- My dad and his family is a mess. He disappears and reappears whenever he feels like it with them. As I mentioned above. My Aunt and Uncle have been trying to mend the fences with him for years but so far nothing has been successful. I'm not sure what the crap he did to make everyone so angry. I've been trying to figure that out too. They have tried to make contact with my dad when my cousin killed himself a little over a year ago but they couldn't get ahold of him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like your dad is a low-life. It might be better not to initiate contact with him. I don't think any good will come of it for you, just more pain. As for your uncle...I have to wonder if there is some mental illness that runs in the family..which has resulted in your father's behaviour, your uncle and cousins' behaviour and the cousin's behaviour which resulted in suicide.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think it should be your dad's move to reconnect with you. He is probably on drugs if he disappeared on a beautiful daughter, never to return. His loss, ClementineK. It's hard to say what I would do in that situation, but I think it would be healthier for you to forget this man.

[ClementineK]

Crazyaboutdogs- My dad is a low-life. lol. My Aunt was the one pushing me to contact him. But she is kind of carefree and I don't think she really understands how he is. But it got me to thinking and I do miss having a unified family.

 

Mental illness could be a possibility. I figured my cousins were flaking out on me because they're teenagers and don't want to spend time with family and/or dealing with their brother's death in their own way. However, my Uncle that's acting strange isn't my full uncle. It's kind of a family secret everyone knows. He has a different father whom I don't know. I have never heard of mental illness running in my Dad's Mom side of the family though. I'll keep researching.

 

Miss Firecracker - I agree that it should be my dad's move to reconnect with me but... at the same time... if I sit around waiting and waiting it may never happen... and then I may end up regretting not talking to him sooner.

 

I did wonder if he was/is on drugs. He does blow through money really quickly. I also suspected hookers or a double life.

 

And I have been trying really hard to forget him. I am so jealous of everyone else's dads and Fathers Day is just a really sad day for me. I wish he was normal.