Just to make something clear, our exs did not change!

[Blackey]

I had a long walk today and i got to think things over about my break up, and i came up with some ideas that i would like to share with you.

As painful as it is to accept, our exs are still the same people who we fell in inlove with with mostly the same personality and characteristics that they had before and during the time they were with us.

They still have the same qualities such as, sweet, charming, loving, caring, beautiful, smart , evil, narssistic, interest driving and so on.

 

The only thing that actually has changed is their interest in us.

They realized that they will be better off without us, and we only bring stress into their life rather than enjoyment, and as a result they had to use defence mechanisms and rejection techniques that they would usually apply to anyone else in a similar situation to ensure that the "stressor" is no longer bothering them, and i totaly understand them, it is the human nature.

 

From reading posts here i see that many people described their exs as people who changed 180 degrees during the break up, i.e become cold hearted, evil, not caring, manipulative and so on.

I can assure you that they did not change, the only thins that has changed is their perception towards you, they now see you as a stressor rather than an enjoyment, and they apply defence mechanism to get rid of this stressor, cruel towards us but completely natural, and once again, their personality did not change at all, they are still the same person, just wihout us in their life.

 

I think that people who claim that their exs changed for worst(just like me and probably 90% of the forum) , using some sort of an unconcious defence mechanism themself. In a way it is more accomodative and less stressful to think that our exs became cold hearted animals and they change completely rather than actually accepting that all that happened was that it is us, they dont want us anymore because we acted in a certain way or did something, or anything like that, but the point is that they do not want us anymore.

 

So in a way it is easier to think that they are the ones who changed for the worst and became cold hearted rather than thinking that they are the same person, but they just do not want us in their lives anymore.

It is painful, i know that, but i believe that the more truth we will find out, the more it will be painful, but the more we will heal.

The distortion in our perception during a break up is a factor that gives us a lot of stress.

In a way we are hallucinating and creating a gap between the reality and the world inside of our head and it creates a discrepancy, or a gap in our perception that puts a lot of stress on us.

For example, my ex dumped me, i still didnt get over her.

 

In my head, i am still dwelling about her, thinking that she might call me anytime , fantasizing about our get together and how wonderful would it be to be with her again, to hold her and just to be with her and so on.

The reality is that most likely i will never see her or talk to her ever again, and she already grapsed the reality and she is not living in a fantasy, thats why she does not have this discrepancy or gap between the reality and what she has in her head, and as a result she does not have any stress.

So a major reason why we all so stressed about the break up is because of our gap between the image in our head on the situation and the reality.

The more you will accept the reality, that it is over, the less the gap will be, and the less stressful it will be for you to live your life.

[amandamarie]

I think a lot of what you said is true...but in some cases, our exes really did change. My ex served in Iraq while we were together, suffered PTSD, and he was not always like that. He did change, big time, from who he was before. Like I said, I think a lot of what you said is true, but the truth is sometimes life experiences do cause individuals to change. Including not only us, but our exes as well. I very much agree with you though that we need to face the reality of what is today...that is something I struggle with a lot myself.

[d_lilah]

I wish I could disagree with you completely, but I can't. You do make some very valid points, but the situation is different for everyone, just as no two people are the same.

 

In my case, my ex changed dramatically from when I first met him to when he ended things, and even more so now in the little contact we have had. When I first met him he was happy, and it was like that for months. Then suddenly he finished with me with absolutely no warning, no reason for me to expect it was coming.

 

I found out later that his friends started to notice his change in behaviour before it happened. He became argumentative, patronising and acted superior to them all...but during this time he was fine with me. Now, I knew he was having trouble with one of his friends, because he would constantly complain about them, but it was the opinion of many. Since he finished with me, his demeanour with his friends has not changed, and he now only really has one friend who he sees as 'equal'...forgetting about the others.

 

The person I first met would not have even thought about doing something so callous as to finish without warning and through text. I know that for a fact.

[bravebird]

Sometimes, when you meet a person you both put on your best "faces" an try to put your ideal self out there. Over time, that wears away and your true character and personality reveal themselves. It seems like one changes when really they are being their true self.

[jessica911]

i didnt really read all of them, but to me i think it's good that our ex didn't change BECAUSE, if he/she did then it's good for them not for us. so it doesnt matter if they do or not, and if they do change, we/i would feel bad because, why didnt he/she changed when we were together, but starting to do it now with their new partner?

[Blackey]

Yeh I want to add 2 points:

1) sometimes you think that you know the person but you just do not know the person, so when the break up occures, you just discover traits you did not konw about this person, but the person stays the same.

2)Of course there are some excptions such as in PSTD or in any mental stressful case, people do change as a result of mental stress and mental illnesses, but it is a rather small percent out of the break up cases so mostly people do not really change unless they actually got a severe mental stress that leads to an abnormal behaviour.

[AutumnBorn]

You're probably mostly right. My ex hasn't changed. He's still the man with whom I fell in love, and he should come with a warning label. He has remained immature, self-centered, selfish, uncommunicative, emotionally shallow, penis driven, and deceptive.

 

I have changed. I have higher standards for a mate, and he doesn't meet most of them. The way I look has changed - my hair, my body and, therefore, my clothes. My attitude, outlook, and self-perception have changed. I'm pursuing my own interests - playing cello, volunteering, and making the most of every day. I have a great job working for the boss of my dreams. My ex didn't really know me when we were together and certainly doesn't have a clue as to who I am today, though we do stay in touch.

 

I've changed for the better. He has remained exactly as I remember him. However, in the past couple of months, he's made it obvious that he now thinks he may have made a mistake, though he doesn't have a clue as to how to make it right. He gave me closure...DOH!

[Sad-in-Sacto]

I think you are right on. I read somewhere that "nothing really changes, but everything is different." I read this to mean that we are who we are, but we see things differently depending on when things occur and what is happening in our lives. That may not be much of a consolation for those who see things the same or better throughout the relationship. We are who we are ... genuine, loving, honest, loyal and appreciate what it is we want in life. We do not imagine our reality as the fantasy we want to live only to have an epiphany that the reality is different from what we imagine it to be. The realization of this different reality prompts one to leave the relationship. Truth is it is better in the long run as a relationship means mutual love between two individuals who share a common vision.

 

Accept what is dealt for what it is. Mourn it and then get reborn into a stronger and wiser person.

[Rob1000]

Nothing changes except your attitude.

 

The sky is always blue. Always. It's just your view of it that changes with the passing clouds. Some are white and fluffy. Some are dark and threatening.

 

The very same can be said of relationships. It will always be two people who just like each other, who enjoy one anothers company, just like you did on that first date. But over time we become selfish and our attitude towards one another changes for the worse. Our ego gets in the way and we demand more of one another acting as if we almost own one another.

 

The same can be said of the external factors in a relationship, like pressure to get married and have children. Maybe one partner loses their job etc. These things all add together to change our view of what's right in front of us; which essentially is no different from what was in front of us when we first met.

[fuddiduddy]

Do you or any of your friends know what brought about such drastic changes in him?

 

I ask because this is kind of what happened with my ex. His changes were due to an extremely stressful personal problem (ok, he has a phobia of medications and I never knew the depths of it until recently. His doctor gave him an important prescription for a serious medical condition that calls for medication, but he's not handling the thought of taking those meds very well. This has caused him to isolate himself, miss a lot of work, become irritable and drop out of his graduate program. I was a casualty of all of this because, pretty much, it is the reason he claims he could no longer be with me--he wants to just be by himself and said he hoped "we can remain friends." I'm not yet sure if I can do this).

 

Maybe your ex is going thru something that's difficult for him to deal with? Maybe he's gotten on drugs unbeknownst to those close to him? Maybe he's gradually developed some psychiatric disorder? I dunno.

 

Getting back to the OP's topic, I do believe that the core of people's personalities do not change, but their outlooks, perceptions and needs do. I think it's just what happens as time progresses. And this is precisely how a lot of people seem to fall out of love so mysteriously (at least "mysteriously" to us).