Coming up to 8 months.. of nothing from her

[wlh22]

Hobbes,

I am sorry you are going through this. Even I wish I could say something.... guess the only thing I can say is ... time... time will make it better....

 

This female narcissist thing is probably correct... we need to look into it more

 

Read my story... pretty much similar to yours.... added with the breakup while long distance and a few other things... so I know it hurts and is a weird feeling...

 

 

If nothing else, time is your friend....

 

Best wishes Hobbes...

[Hobbes]

abandoment is one of the hardest things to deal with...spesh when its out the blue

 

id def think about seeing a counselor

 

I checked out some abandonment sites last few days. There is a list of 20 signs that will screw someone that is young in terms of abandonment. She has been through 18/20. I have been through 0/20 on that list. My whole life I was stable, I gave stability to my gfs. Now I am the abandoned. She passed it on. I gave her everything I could, but she saw me as a boy. The abandonment through her father means she will spend her whole life looking for father figure. 2 months before she left me, she was with her kids (she's a teacher) and met some guy that was 51 at coast and he hounded her and I was amazed - always trusted her 100% - she said it was nothing but saw the guy as her new father. He messaged her that he loved her. She is 23. I blew up and she said it was nothing but this guy was amazing in persistence.

 

Damn, I spent so much time with her *more stable* family side abroad, she made me feel welcome, made me feel I was the one for her. It was intimate, I was family member on that side, but there was a darker side - dad - she always said she had no father and wanted a father figure. I tried. But she replaced me with a 19 yo guy - how is that father figure for christ's sake?

 

Yes I need therapy. If only she would talk to me. Someone asked for summary as I deleted posts: I met her her at work, we hit it off, she studied abroad but decided to move here to be with me and start new course. She had no money, I paid rent and our food etc.. she graduated in July 2009. Dumped me in Aug 2009 (we just got back from a holiday, no signs..) but didn't tell me anything was wrong. She moved out when I was at work. I came home to empty flat. She spoke to me on msn 2 days later and said it wasn't because of someone else, then a few weeks later, she was in a relationship on fb, the guy she met the summer before. Sick.. but there it is.

 

So there it is. I did better for months, made an incredible body. Felt good. Now I am struggling and the hard work is gone. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, she was so clingy, so emotional with me, she loved me and tossed me aside. We made love 2 days before - she even met my bro's wife in supermarket and said she would love to babysit their son whenever - she said all this a few days before but then had her dad move her out when I was at work. The last time I saw her was August 13th 2009, went to work to pay our bills, she kissed me, said she loved me, and I came home to an empty apartment. There I said it all.

 

Thanks for nice words everyone, it's appreciated.

[quirky]

I checked out some abandonment sites last few days. There is a list of 20 signs that will screw someone that is young in terms of abandonment. She has been through 18/20. I have been through 0/20 on that list. My whole life I was stable, I gave stability to my gfs. Now I am the abandoned. She passed it on.

 

Sadly this is common. Because people from that background need stability. Your ex is too young to know her issues.

 

If only she would talk to me.

 

Seriously..why don't you send one really powerful text to ask her to speak to you? I'd be livid if I was you.

 

what you describe is tough.. our stories are very different, I can only imagine. If it is any concolation I was at my absolute bottom at the same time frame as yours, about 5-6 weeks ago, around the 8 month mark. Maybe it really sinks in that they're not coming back.

 

The hard work is not gone, you've learned so much through this time even if it has been very difficult. When you rise up, you'll rise up even stronger.

[Brownstone322]

Your story confuses me a bit. Maybe it's because I just don't remember the back story.

 

I've tried to send out a few messages to see if she is still alive. She is not from this country, nor am I, but she moved here to be with me - she always said she didn't love this country and especially not the people yet she went to one from this country which was her biggest hate.

What country is "this country"? And she went from where to where?

 

But I don't see her as a female narcissist, but she tossed me aside from one to next for a younger guy and said she was leaving me to be alone. Lies.

Wait, are you saying she left for another guy but claimed she didn't? How do you know this? And what does "younger" mean? How how old are you, she and "younger guy"?

 

I'll be honest, if she left for someone else, then that explains everything. People can be mindlessly cruel and flippant when they're under the spell of "new love" (er, infatuation), but they come down off that high eventually. Eight months is nothing, not if that's the case.

 

Be strong and let it go. She'll be in touch one day ... when you're not thinking of her at all.

 

EDIT

 

OK, now I see this, but I was utterly lost without it. (How could anyone have followed that?) Anyway ...

 

She moved out when I was at work. I came home to empty flat. She spoke to me on msn 2 days later and said it wasn't because of someone else, then a few weeks later, she was in a relationship on fb, the guy she met the summer before. Sick.. but there it is.

 

...

 

The last time I saw her was August 13th 2009, went to work to pay our bills, she kissed me, said she loved me, and I came home to an empty apartment. There I said it all.

I must admit that that's one of the harshest stories I've ever read. My ex was harsh, but I'll concede, looking back at it, that she had been pulling away from me, if only for a matter of weeks, before she told me she was leaving. And she didn't pull a "Bob Irsay" on me. (Look that up; it's my turn to be cryptic. The reference makes perfect sense to anyone who knows the story of the Baltimore Colts.)

 

All that said ... I'm pretty sure your ex had been cheating (if only emotionally) with Facebook Guy, and it had probably been going on for a while. Cheaters can be especially spineless about owning up to their deeds, and when she decided to leave you for him (and I'm pretty sure that's exactly what she did), she essentially snuck out the back door. It's classic cheater's cowardice. And it explains her post-breakup behavior too. Why deal forthrightly with the person you betrayed?

 

The only thing that surprises me is that she was having sex with you in the final days. When women cheat, they commonly withdraw from their "legitimate" partners. Know why? Because they don't want to cheat on the guy they're cheating with! How pathetic is that?

 

A third party always complicates things, and your story has "third party" stamped all over it.

[Hobbes]

Quirky - I just don't feel like I should contact her and go nuts, it's up to her. I feel way too betrayed still to contact her and be civil.

 

Brownstone - the back story I posted before and you and others comments on an msn log I put up and you suggested she had made the move to this other guy behind my back, something I didn't realise at the time, then it all fell into place - fb 'in a relationship' etc. She said in the msn log that she wasn't leaving me for someone else and that she *hated to cheat* - I remember you commenting on this and suggesting something had been going on.

 

The 2 countries are neighbouring ones in Northern Europe. She is from the other country and moved to be here in the country I live in, where her other parent lives.

 

I will tell you the ages and I will probably be ridiculed. I am 38, she is 23, he is 19 or 20. Yes too old to be pining over someone so young but 4 years is a long time. The reason this has been hard for me is that I decided to let her go and not bother her, beg etc so it's been me vs me. Sometimes me has been strong, sometimes me has been weak. Me is weak right now. Need to be stronger, you are right.

[Lugh]

Hobbes like you i too was dumped totally out of the blue after 5 1/2 years together. i got the whole "space" thing, i chased foolishly for 6 mths as she strung me along. then was told she wasnt coming back to me and a month later appeared at my workplace with her new man.

 

she said we would always be friends and then just forgot about me.

 

i had the whole closure chat and to be honest its crap. she basically ran away from our relationship, wasnt prepared to fight for it or discuss any problems in it.

 

your ex seems to be a runner as well, instead of facing up to a problem they will let it fester away until it explodes. my ex and i made love in the morning told each other that we loved each and that evening she told me it was all over. work thay one out.

 

they dont contact you because they are immature, scared and are under the illusion that what they are doing is tough love. they have i believe a responsibility to at least be civil and mannerly towards someone that they were going to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

Hobbes its over 3 years for me and finally im over her, im still pi ssed at her for the disrespectful way that she treated me, and the way that i was ignored and made fun of, but i met her recently after total NC for 18mths and there was nothing there at all. all i saw was someone who was mean and used me in the end.

 

It will take more time , but you will get over it, go to councilling i found it very helpful just to have a chat with someone.

 

you did nothing wrong, they blindsided you and then ran away, they were not to be trusted, they are the weak and spineless people and even though you hurt now it will get better.

[Brownstone322]

Brownstone - the back story I posted before and you and others comments on an msn log I put up and you suggested she had made the move to this other guy behind my back, something I didn't realise at the time, then it all fell into place - fb 'in a relationship' etc. She said in the msn log that she wasn't leaving me for someone else and that she *hated to cheat* - I remember you commenting on this and suggesting something had been going on.

And today I independently came to the same conclusions. (See my edited comments above, if you like.)

 

I will tell you the ages and I will probably be ridiculed. I am 38, she is 23, he is 19 or 20. Yes too old to be pining over someone so young but 4 years is a long time.

So you originally hooked up when you were 34 and she was 19? You do realize that he isn't the "younger guy" -- you're the "older guy."

 

I'm all for knocking down young chicks because I've done it myself (and I'm accepting new offers right now but if you're expecting a lasting relationship under those conditions, you're assuming a huge risk. I'm not ridiculing you at all, but that was a formula for disaster.

[Lugh]

I will tell you the ages and I will probably be ridiculed. I am 38, she is 23, he is 19 or 20. Yes too old to be pining over someone so young but 4 years is a long time. The reason this has been hard for me is that I decided to let her go and not bother her, beg etc so it's been me vs me. Sometimes me has been strong, sometimes me has been weak. Me is weak right now. Need to be stronger, you are right.

 

similar age to myself hobbes , didnt think the age gap had anything to do with it , but her age might have, prob her first major relationship as well id guess. classic GIGS if you ask me.

 

BTW if someone hit you over the head with a stick and you fell down, is that a sign of weakness? i dont think you and she hit you with a bus !!!!!!

 

dont be hard on yourself, i was and it doesnt do any good. be good to yourself , you will have good days and bad , emotions will come at you in waves, some small some big, eventually they will get smaller and smaller but an odd big one will knock you back every so often.

 

try not to linger on her shortcomings you cant change her , but you can empower yourself to move on.

[Hobbes]

You are absolutely right Brownstone - it was a huge risk and at the time I wasn't being rational, was too late pretty quickly into things but I knew of the risk, was aware. Then I said to hell with it and things got a lot more serious over the 4 years. She wants kids very soon as her whole life revolves around kids and the idea of being a mother.

 

Yea Lugh (thanks for your comments and support, appreciate it) - true, first major relationship and classic GIGS. Which we all have at that age I guess.

 

I've been dumped after a 4 year relationship before, in my 20s. That took a couple of years to *get over* as well. Maybe I like to wallow in it too much.

 

She did hit me with a bus though. I have a couple of phobias in life, spiders being one - the reaction I have when I see one is to get up and run out the room screaming, lol. I don't scream 'lol' but I scream and added that I was laughing thinking about it. This is in line with the trauma of the event for me, the coming home to nothing and silence. That's why I might need help. I can't block that image and feeling I had that day. I really invested too much into her and us and it was like someone wiped the etch-e-sketch board of our whole 4 years in one split second.

[JonasWaingaro]

 

I'll be honest, if she left for someone else, then that explains everything. People can be mindlessly cruel and flippant when they're under the spell of "new love" (er, infatuation), but they come down off that high eventually. Eight months is nothing, not if that's the case.

 

 

This is the part that makes the most sense in these 'runaway' partner deals. That new 'car' smell is so intoxicating they are blinded to how poorly they are actually behaving. It's awful being on the other side of that carelessness. After 9months I'm still questioning 'what the hell happened?!' It's very difficult to get it when you are inside this mess. My ex was 8 years younger then me and fast approaching a big milestone birthday. I think both are situations scream GIGS or something along those lines. Anyhoo, how people can throw that switch one night and disappear is beyond me. It's cruel and unnecessary. Seriously, what's the point? Don't think of yourself as weak. You are having some rough times right now, same here, but it's natural. I think getting over the runaways is much more difficult. There's no sense of why, or how. One day it's okie dokie, the next day it's an empty flat and a frozen dinner for one. That will take time to get over. Ya know? You have to recover from a break-up and a giant kick to the nuts/ego/self-worth/sense of reality. Give yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself.

[Brownstone322]

This is the part that makes the most sense in these 'runaway' partner deals. That new 'car' smell is so intoxicating they are blinded to how poorly they are actually behaving.

There's a concept called "Occam's Razor" -- the simplest solution or explanation is usually the correct one. Most difficult-to-understand outcomes prove to be perfectly logical once all the facts are known, and I think "sneaking around with that other guy" explains this particular scenario top to bottom.

 

The age thing is a factor too. When I was 27, I had a very-hot, very-young girlfriend (17), but she eventually called the arrangement off ... for a guy her own age! Made perfect sense, and there were no hard feelings. She, however, was perfectly up-front about ending things and why (which says a lot when we consider her youth). The behavior of Hobbes' ex, on the otherr hand, is outright immature and cowardly (and while she's young, she's old enough to grow up and face up to her decisions).

 

By the way, that young girlfriend of mine? She came looking to hook back up a year and a half later ...

[JonasWaingaro]

There's a concept called "Occam's Razor" -- the simplest solution or explanation is usually the correct one. Most difficult-to-understand outcomes prove to be perfectly logical once all the facts are known, and I think "sneaking around with that other guy" explains this particular scenario top to bottom.

 

 

 

By the way, that young girlfriend of mine? She came looking to hook back up a year and a half later ...

 

Yep, once you know all the facts things become clear, or clearer. That's the catch, getting all the facts/details. Can take time to get all those, if you ever really do. It's all such a shame. Honesty leaves a lot fewer marks.

 

And haha, yeah teenagers are funny like that.

[coolchick64]

I'm late to the thread here, but just wanted to say, Hobbes, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I agree---this is one of the harsher stories I've read on ENA and my heart has always gone out to you. I can't imagine the shock of that day. And the utter silence since then . . . unreal. I'm not sure about the narcissist stuff, but she's definitely behaved very immaturely and selfishly. I'm sure it's frustrating to be struggling still after 8 months, but look what you've been through! It's a lot. It's going to take time to rebuild your trust in yourself, women, and humanity in general (!) Just be kind and patient with yourself. It'll get better eventually.

[soheartbroken]

Hobbes,

 

Seen you on here a few times over the months. I'm about 9 months out from my 5 year relationship. I'm going through so much of what you are (based on what you're saying). My ex has not contacted me since we moved out of our apartment 8 months ago. The NC has been so strict that I don't even know if she left me for someone else (she likely did. I moved to a different city). My ex was also super, super nice. I trusted her with my life.

 

NC is NOT kind when the dumper does it. NC only works if it's initiated by the dumpee for self-preservation methods. What our exes have done is extremely cruel and cowardly. I have been traumatized as well. I can still recall all the feelings that I had in the days after she left. In fact, some of the guys that have been on here for quite some time, are the ones whose exes left and never spoke to them again.

 

Believe it or not, contact throughout a breakup is the natural way I say. You see the person move on and you get to grow an extreme dislike for the dumper.

 

Throughout these 9 months, I had a period of three weeks where I thought I had turned a corner. I was wrong. I feel almost as bad now as I did months ago. I think about her sooooo much. Someone mentioned 50 times a day; well, lately I can say I have that number whipped.

 

Like you, I'm not a go-getter when it comes to dating, but I'm seriously questioning whether I can move on without dating someone else. I just have way too much time to devote thinking about my ex, and I want something to replace thoughts of her. But I obviously have major trust issues, and, more significantly, major rejection issues. If I asked someone out and she turned me down, think of how badly I would feel then...plus, I've never asked someone out in my life and I'm terrified.

 

Like someone mentioned, I have been seriously contemplating reaching out to my ex. There are things that I need to apologize for. But I'm too scared to reach out because 1) I don't want to know what's going on in her life 2) I'm even more scared that she won't respond. But I'm thinking I might need something drastic to get me out of this hole. Interestingly, my therapist thinks an apology might be a good idea.

 

Maybe we should both do something crazy like contacting the ex?

 

Anyway, there is so much more that I relate to in your post, but I can't keep all my thoughts in order. You're not alone. I hope everyone is right that it's just going to take more time.

 

Edit: just wanted to add, that I would still take her back, as most of the issues were mine. And also, I think in the back of my mind (or maybe the front!), despite total and complete silence from her, I still think about having a second chance. A lot. Like you said, you initially set out to improve so that you can get them back. And then it hits you, again and again, that no amount of improving will make them come home.

[adamt]

Hardly any contact from my ex since the split nearly a year ago. just the once when we bumped into each other. she didnt seem to want to talk about the relationship. we talked for a few hours at the time of the break up but my head was in spin. i've had to try to figure out on my own where the relationship started going wrong and why. I think i am nearly there now. my brain still keeps going through it all. in one way i want contact so i can get closure and know how it went wrong and put my side of the story(maybe she can learn from things too) but on the the other hand any contact might just set me back. she probably has closed that chapter in her life and doesnt want to reopen it. it's feel so easy to contact the ex, by email,text,facebook..etc but i wont as i know i will get a response i wont like.

 

 

i think the problem people in NC is getting closure on all those unanswered questions constantly spinning round in your head.

 

the day we broke up still feels so recent and i can still feel all that emotion and if i think to deeply it starts to hurt again.

 

i've began dating. met some girls i really like but sadly never made it to the 2nd date. it does knock your confidence just as you are thinking it will work out but you learn to dust yourself down and jump back on the saddle.

 

just hang on there with NC and stay focused looking forward

[Hobbes]

Struggling. Can't stop thinking about it. 5.30 am, lying in bed, staring at the walls, I thought about what she did all day today. I just can't believe it, so cruel to never even reach out and just toss me away without saying anything after everything we went through. No answers. I'm beginning to hate her I think. Didn't want that to happen. 8 months. It's just not normal. Friends don't want to know.

 

They say you will be fine, you were ok before you met them, and will be ok again. But we reached some pretty great heights over the 4 years. I wasn't happy before I met her. I was ok, but not that happy. Now I have picked up all my bad habits I had before I met her. So it's about me vs me. But being abandoned like that, well it's harsh. I can't think of anything tougher I have been through in my life. My family is pretty stable. Now I feel scarred. Not fair.

 

Going to try to sleep now.

[jettison]

It is harsh, it really is. You've read my story, so you know I relate. It's almost 7 months for me with no reach out from my ex. That's a long time. Still, you simply MUST get yourself to a place where you value you more then you value her. When you truly reach that place, you understand how much the ex isn't responsible for your happiness nor your lack of happiness. It's only you who is responsible for that. By pining all of this on your ex, you are basically refusing to take responsibility for your own life.

 

This whole thing, it's really not about her. It's about you. Life is forcing you to step back far away from this enough so you can truly reinvest in yourself. Eventually, when you don't need to her to contact you, when you are truly ok with it all, that's likely when she's be available. It just works like that. It's one of life's biggest paradoxes. We love for people to need us, but when we understand the scope of just how much they need us, the responsibility can be overwhelming, and we can't deal.

 

If you really wanted to do right by your ex, and show her that you loved her and not just needed her, you'll do yourself a huge favor and work like hell to fall in love with yourself again, and then with someone new. Showing that to your ex means everything. You are saying to her and world... "look how much I love me. I love me so much that I have invested in myself in this way."

 

The people we adore the most in this life tend to be the people that we see taking such good care of themselves.

[adamt]

I'm just about 12 months on. Trying so hard not to think back to specific dates this time last year. I'm in a lot better state than I was but not quite over my ex. I'm like stuck in no mans land or the living dead or a ghost stuck in a house and cant rest.

 

I've met one or two women who were girlfriend material but never worked out. others I've just not really been interested in.

 

I cant give you advice on a quick answer but i can give you advice on making time go quicker(the 12 months has flown by) I take it day by day. I've learnt not to think to deep about my ex. as soon as i do i switch to something i am doing soon. I joined gym 11 months ago and sorted my diet out. I'm in great shape. i rarely watch tv now and if i am home alone on an evening i will go down to the gym instead.you need things to focus on. get as busy as possible, take up activities and hobbies. i'm doing a 40 mile walk in a few weeks so it gives me something to focus on. try not to stay in much. if i am bored at home i will get my ps3 out and go on modern warfare. it stops my mind drifting onto her. need to focus on yourself. i've got some weekend breaks organised. taken up golf too. every weekend i am busy.its the only way to get through it.

 

i'm now angry with my ex because i'm 39 and feel i wasted 4 years with her thinking i was goign to settle down. now i have to start again and at my age it is so much harder to find someone who i really like.

 

But just stay as busy as possible

[surfNski]

Hang in there Hobbes, its been like 11-12 months for me and like you she never once made contact with me. I saw her once and she was the ice queen. I still think of her pretty much daily but the pain is alot duller now. Life goes on and the only thing we can do is try to improve ourselves. My motivation is that if I ever see her again she is going to wish she never walked away. I am doing it all, school, gym, sports, making new friends, therapy, moved to a nice place.

 

In the last 24 hours I have been rejected by two different women. Any day before this I would have been a wreck thinking of what I lost (she was amazing) but I just have to keep telling myself something good is around the next corner. Non of that faith garbage just positive attitude...

 

We can do this man!

[coolchick64]

Well, it really is about you vs. you. The happiness. The intense highs. All of that came from you and is still in you. At some point, you'll find another person you can express that with. I know it feels like it was due to her, but it wasn't. She was just the person you chose to love, but the love and all the great stuff that comes with that was always inside of you and it's still there now. That's why I know you'll be there again. It just takes time to build yourself back up and trust again. Plus, it takes time to meet the right person. I'm not going to say there are plenty of fish in the sea because we all know it's not that easy. But I do believe there are many women out there who would make you just as happy and you'll find one when you're ready. Your trust and self-confidence have been shattered. It's just going to take time to find the strength and motivation to get out there again. I think being angry with her is a good thing. You should be angry and it's going to help you place the blame for your bad feelings where it belongs (on her behavior vs. your self-worth!).

[quirky]

All those things you did with her..you were part of them too. Think to yourself "me, Hobbes, I am loving, generous, creative". It is crap, you should be angry..I mean NC is one thing but vanishing like that, is just OTT.. IMO. But what are you gonna do? What the hell can any of us do but move on? It's all a leap of faith, scary, disappointing..but life goes on. I don't think it's bad or wrong for you to be upset and struggle. You've got our support. Thing is..we can't stop because a relationship didn't work out. You have SO much to offer. If it wasn't the issue with the ex..what would you be thinking? What goals would you be moving towards? What would make you proud of yourself? Little steps in these directions will help. I was very reluctant to do anything super good for me because I wouldn't share it with my ex but it helped just looking at the present, the reality of today and work with that.

 

This is a cheesy poem but it kinda touched me when I was really low, might help you and others.

 

Do not pretend that the Longing

has not also lived in You

swinging like a pendulum

You have been lost and thieved like a criminal

Your Heart into the darkness.

But life is tired Deep Friend

of going on without you

You have been afraid

but also known your own courage

There is room on this boat

take your seat

take up your paddle

and all of us

shall row our Hearts back Home.

[AmandaB]

I got it too Hobbes. 8 years of knowing and loving on another and he disappears into thin air. Not a word, like i never existed. It hurts, it makes you feel like you are nothing. I wish i had some positive words but I dont. Im struggling as well and next month it will be a year.

[Carus]

Hobbes*

 

Truly a horrible story mate...What a world....

 

This thread though, is yet another great reminder that we are indeed, not alone*

I haven't been cut off at all, but I have been strung along the whole time (my own fault, I know). I don't know which is worse, either side is bad I think.

Its 13 months for me and she is still blissfully happy in her new RS (as far as I know) and I'm in amandamarie's corner....

 

As my ex settled into her new RS, I did get contact for quite a few months. Stuff like "He's just not you. Noone will replace you. We dont communicate etc"....and so as harsh as being NC'd is, all that contact did was string me along and hinder my healing process by months.....

Did I think she was coming back? You betcha......for months!!

 

Although after reading this thread I realise that either path to healing can be just as long....

 

All we can do is KNOW that we will be ok and take the steps to ensure that.

 

I did everything to get through this and in all that I did EMDR therapy...I found it helpful....Thinking of going back for some more actually....

 

And 5:30am? What are ya....soft? ....suns coming up here...again lol

 

As Winston said: If you're going through hell....keep going!!

 

Stay Strong In The Storm Brother*

K2*

[wlh22]

Hobbes,

I truly related with you. It's been exactly 24 hours (Ya ya... I know ... it's been long) since my ex broke up over phone (yes over phone... because we were in diff cities.. she didn't even do it face to face)... she told her parents that she loves me just 2 weeks before she did this... and I had moved from my country to US to pursue a graduate degree and we were together in relationship when I made that decision. But guess what, half way through my course, she dumped me. After a month of begging, I found out (through her emails) that she was with some other guy within 24 hours of the breakup.

 

Man... it hurts even today. It is impossible to imagine someone how loved you so much, someone who said they can never live with you and will never leave you treating you so horribly. My ex avoided all contact with me ... she just disappeared off the face of this earth.

 

After about a year, I even thought we could at least be civil and invited her to my sister's wedding. She didn't even reply (forget sending wishes). To date, I have not heard from her.

 

Now I am in the US with a huge student loan that I have to pay by myself....

 

Sometimes I just want to tell her how horribly she has treated me.... I wish she hadn't...

 

 

 

 

So, no advice from me really... but the longer you keep it in your mind, the longer it takes to heal (learn that from me).

[Ms Darcy]

Damn, I spent so much time with her *more stable* family side abroad, she made me feel welcome, made me feel I was the one for her. It was intimate, I was family member on that side, but there was a darker side - dad - she always said she had no father and wanted a father figure. I tried. But she replaced me with a 19 yo guy - how is that father figure for christ's sake?

 

So you originally hooked up when you were 34 and she was 19? You do realize that he isn't the "younger guy" -- you're the "older guy."

 

I'm all for knocking down young chicks because I've done it myself (and I'm accepting new offers right now but if you're expecting a lasting relationship under those conditions, you're assuming a huge risk. I'm not ridiculing you at all, but that was a formula for disaster.

 

There's a concept called "Occam's Razor" -- the simplest solution or explanation is usually the correct one. Most difficult-to-understand outcomes prove to be perfectly logical once all the facts are known, and I think "sneaking around with that other guy" explains this particular scenario top to bottom.

 

The age thing is a factor too. When I was 27, I had a very-hot, very-young girlfriend (17), but she eventually called the arrangement off ... for a guy her own age! Made perfect sense, and there were no hard feelings. She, however, was perfectly up-front about ending things and why (which says a lot when we consider her youth). The behavior of Hobbes' ex, on the otherr hand, is outright immature and cowardly (and while she's young, she's old enough to grow up and face up to her decisions).

 

By the way, that young girlfriend of mine? She came looking to hook back up a year and a half later ...

 

I agree with everything Brownstone said. I do think that you pursuing other women can be helpful to you though. It can help decrease some of the focus on her and help you connect with other people.