Coming up to 8 months.. of nothing from her

[Hobbes]

We were together for 4 years, lived together for 3 years. Honestly she's given me nothing (you're broken up what should she give?) but it's 4 years man. Nothing, not initiated once. Ok, it's a breakup I hear you say.

 

But we didn't argue, we had sex that week, she said she loved me that week. She couldn't stop hugging me, jumping on me, kissing me. She didn't pull away at all. No discussion.

 

I've tried to send out a few messages to see if she is still alive. She is not from this country, nor am I, but she moved here to be with me - she always said she didn't love this country and especially not the people yet she went to one from this country which was her biggest hate. She ignores everything. Many of you will say this is the kind way. It's not. I went to work, all was well, came home, all gone, physically, emotionally, the works. She ripped the apartment in two and took it all. We had looked at rings, and just got back from a weekend abroad in a spa. It was great.

 

So I look up female narcissists. People always talk about male ones. She was shy, clingy, insecure, very warm, loving, adored me. But I don't see her as a female narcissist, but she tossed me aside from one to next for a younger guy and said she was leaving me to be alone. Lies.

 

What do I do guys. Please help. I've never been cut off like this before.

 

It's 8 months soon. I think I need therapy. For those of you that think she did it right, less cruel in long run, save it, you have no idea. That is NOT how to do it.

 

I think we need to start a thread on female narcissists as the criteria seems to be different from males, but the result is the same, the other person ends up being screwed up.

 

So someone will say - well you will be screwed up if you let yourself be that way. Well I have tried EVERYTHING and been almost over it, not over it, almost over it, not over it, but I am still here at 8 months. I love her. I don't exist. I am a rational, intelligent human being that got dumped to oblivion out of the blue and it's up to me to find my way out.

[snoopydog]

That sounds incredibly painful and difficult. I have read some relationships can take years to fully process and get over. I haven't much of significance to say unfortunately but I wanted to try and put a kind word out there from one heartbroken to another.

[mca1975]

It can take months and months, very long months, even years to get over a relationship. It is a significant loss to deal with, even more difficult than death sometimes, because at least with death, you are forced to accept that they are gone, because they actually physically are. With a relationship that has broken up, its even harder, the memories hurt so much and the fact you won't have them again and I know that it hurts very much not to even hear from them, because it makes you feel that they never cared.

 

But of course she did, though you probably find that hard to believe right now. You were together for a long time and shared a life together. It's so difficult, but maybe it would be even worse if you were to hear from her again? Either way, I don't think it would make much difference to the hurt and longing that you feel.

 

It is very difficult and painful and am thinking of you, as will hundred of other people who read this, because we have all been there. Thoughts are with you x

[Hobbes]

I drive through town not knowing if I will see her car or her, I go out, again not knowing, I have no idea where she lives. She was looking for places for us to move to a week before she vanished, we were talking about it, 24/7. It's incredibly painful and beyond belief. Thanks for your answers. I know it's tough for me and everyone in similar situation. I don't see many cases like this on ena. I have been repeating myself like a broken record over the months, but if she died on the day she left, well it's the same. Vanished after 4 years with all the plans and promises she told me she wanted. No pulling away, quite the opposite.

 

I have a lot going for me, I'm not suicidal, I have family and friend support. I'll make it. Just feeling lonely a bit and sad, can't believe it. Things will be ok, just feeling down tonight. Big lesson I guess but I really thought we had something and this was it. I've been through heartache before. Ugh I sound like a grandpa. Hey at least I can laugh.

 

It's not the end of the world, I'm ok being alone, really. But I don't understand people I guess.

[amandamarie]

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't really. I know it sucks, because I am right there with you. A 4 year relationship, we also lived together, and its been about 9 months for me. I haven't been cut off at all, but I have been strung along the whole time (my own fault, I know). I don't know which is worse, either side is bad I think. I'm not sure I would classify her as a narcissist based on what you wrote, but it does sound like she had some issues. Honestly, it sounds to me when I read your post that it is more like she was just terrified of hurting you and dealing with the fallout of that, and also probably feeling incredibly guilty. Which would explain her packing everything up while you were at work, and then telling you the lies about not wanting to be in a relationship, and then avoiding you - because she doesn't want to have anything to do with you because it would make her feel bad/uncomfortable for hurting you, and guilty as well. That is just my take on things anyway.

 

As far as therapy goes - well I never think it is a bad thing. But I do think that after being with someone so long, and being so close actually living together, that it is normal and just takes time to move on. At least that is what I am telling myself anyways I have had a hard couple of weeks too, so you are definitely not alone.

[bravebird]

Have you dated anyone else in this time?

[Hobbes]

Hey thanks Amanda, I appreciate what you are saying, I guess we arrived here at same time. Yea she was scared of hurting me, I know that. You are right. She's a very sweet girl, can't have been easy for her. She didn't know how to handle it. Honestly anyone that has met her always says she is one of the nicest people they have ever met. She is super nice, makes it harder though because after everything she couldn't talk to me about it. Whilst being sweet and with a massive heart she has issues (who doesn't).

 

No I haven't dated - I have asked here before - what is dating? Not sleeping together, just meal/movies/etc? We don't really call it dating over here so I'm curious.

[Blackey]

Im very sorry to hear about your pain, and i know that you do not want to her that time heal all wounds, but you forgat something my friend, it usually takes a little bit more than half the time that you were dating to recover from a broken heart, 8 months into a 4 years relationship is nothing, that is why you do not feel any significant improvement right now.

You can get a therapist, it is an option, but as i said the normal recovery time is about half the time that you were dating, in your case its 2 years or so, i know that is sounds like a very long time , but im just saying that there is a hope, and there is a certain point that you have to reach before you will feel this improvement.

Do not be hard on yourself, just follow the advices for self improvement that people give in the forum try to live day by day and know that you will feel better in a certain amount of time , and your job is to reach this point safely, from there you will be at ease.

[quirky]

It is indeed very strange..how it can switch like that. I would be in total shock, I would have stalked her just so I can speak to her and take it all out of my system. I kinda agree with Amandamarie. She must feel guilty, she must know that her approach is extreme..it's impossible that her heart is empty. If she is the way you describe her she possibly avoids responsibility and her complete absence is an example of that.

[Hobbes]

Of course it was total shock quirky. But I decided to leave it. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. No stalking, no begging, no whys, nothing. So it was me and the 4 walls in my bedroom and a mission to make myself better. This was ok (ok within reason, I nearly had a couple of breakdowns) for a few months, I became better, but I became better thinking she would come back. And she didn't. So I was left with me and.. well me. But once you wake up to the fact it's not going to happen, the whole breakup hits you again. And again. And 8 months on, I am still thinking about her too much, some might say this is a result of doing what I did post BU. But I couldn't face her, I know she would have refused. She's very headstrong, when she decides something she is DONE. Or so I thought the year before when she left me for 7 hours.

 

I replay it all every day. I think about her probably 50 times a day. I need another woman in my life but have no desire to go out there and do that, never done that. The way it happens for me is out of wild chance. Will never force it.

 

Not sure on these formulas blackey, have thought about it over the months. You are right that it will take more time. As I have said before, one of my best friends was left the same month as me, 18 years together, 2 kids (no marriage) and he met someone also very young (my ex-gf's age) and now they are inseparable and he says it is the best thing that ever happened to him. Timing.. chance.. well that's just how it is.

[amandamarie]

This was ok (ok within reason, I nearly had a couple of breakdowns) for a few months, I became better, but I became better thinking she would come back. And she didn't. So I was left with me and.. well me. But once you wake up to the fact it's not going to happen, the whole breakup hits you again. And again.

 

Wow, this I can totally relate to. I feel the exact same way. That you put all this work in thinking it is going to pay off, that one day they will see how much better you are than what you were. But then the day never comes, and you never get that second chance, even though you thought you would. And you can't quite believe you aren't going to, so you have to face it again and again. I feel like I have been living in denial the past few months to be honest. Its like I know it's over, but I don't REALLY know it somehow. Such a strange feeling really.

[oceanblue535]

my ex and i dated for 3 1/2 yrs. He lied about another girl and left. That was at least six months ago. Not a single word to each other. I guess it's not that uncommon. Idk how ppl can live with themselves. Honestly, I'm so glad I'm away from him now, but I don't regret anything.

[bear12]

my ex and i dated for 3 1/2 yrs. He lied about another girl and left. That was at least six months ago. Not a single word to each other. I guess it's not that uncommon. Idk how ppl can live with themselves. Honestly, I'm so glad I'm away from him now, but I don't regret anything.

 

somehow i managed to forget that i wasn't on facebook and i was going to "like" this comment! well, i don't like the part about your ex being a jerk, but i do like your attitude toward it!!

[Rob1000]

Dude I'm still feeling at 14 months on, thinking about it tooo often still. I can't even be around mutual friends for fear of finding out things about her that I don't want to. So consider yourself lucky that you don't seem to have mutual friends. And like the others said, 8 months is nothing after that period of time together.

 

I tried looking back over your previous posts to re-read the exact story of your b/up but you've deleted it. Care to fill me in on the deets on exactly what happened again? pm me if you like!

[jbrooklyn]

its sad how some people can walk away and never look back. It happens. I know that hurts and it leaves a big question mark in your head. it is sad. But let me ask you this....if she came back would you worry that you are putting time in together just for her to do this again? do u think that in these 8 months that she is sitting at home?

 

This is why I dont believe in giving my heart to anyone wholeheartly anymore. People do what they want to do period. She made the choice to pack her stuff...walk out..and not look back. She chose to do that. I think you owe it to yourself to chose to put it behind you and start living again.

[jimmajam]

Our stories are so similar in time frame (4 years, coming up on 8 months) and how they left. My ex was pretty much normal, loving, kissing, talking about the future, I love you etc nearly right up to the moment she dropped the bomb on me.

 

Just curious how you're dealing with trust issues? I had always trusted my ex and she was always very honest. Now looking back to see how she acted and how she obviously put on a show I'm not sure I can trust her if she came back right now. Also, towards the end she was reluctant to tell me things and open up. Could you really take her back after how deceiving she was to you? Think about her coming back and how you would handle calling her on the bull * * * * , something you probably need to do to move forward. When I think about it, it almost makes me not want my ex back. Trust is huge and hard to regain and it kin of changes your opinion on that persons character.

[JonasWaingaro]

Hey there Hobbes -

Our stories are pretty close as you know. Same time frame, same disappearing act. I think I went about 'recovery' the same way. Thinking she'd come back, or at least pop in and say 'hey'. Something. Of course 9months later - nothing. I'm in the same boat. A lil' lonely, a bit sad, and thinking about her and the BU too much. I play things over in mind a lot even after so long. Even dreamed about 'us' again last night. Anyhoo, I got the same 'lie' about being alone not in 'any relationship now'. Only for her to jump right to next, who was probably in the wings for a while. Who knows. I don't get any of it. And you are correct, this is not the way to do it and there's no favor being done to the left partner by disappearing. (yes I realize there's no good way to BU but there are certainly bad/awful ways) I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Seems to be a 4year club here. haha.

 

Oh - I'm like you in finding partners, it's all by chance. I don't go about searching for someone. Another reason I don't get OLDing, I don't see the point. But that's another thread I suppose.

[JonasWaingaro]

If they ever came back - doubtful eh. That would be the 800lb gorilla in the room. One reason so many recons fail so quickly. Unless you fix that there's nothing, and no point. I trusted my ex totally. I never thought about not trusting her. She gave me no cause. Now...not so much. haha Actually I'm not sure where I am trust-wise. It would take contact for me honestly know. Since I had zero contact I can't know or say. Some might say I'm naive but I don't think so. Just my thoughts.

[adamt]

You can never tell or know what is going on in someone elses head. People can be very good at hiding their true feelings or secrets. You will never get your head around it or get answers to your questions. I know how you are feeling. One minutes my ex said she was missing me then 2 weeks later she just walked away.Its been 10 months and no contact from her in that time. just the one time we bumped into each other. I just cant get my head around how someone can go so cold so quickly. i mean a couple of months earlier she was keen to buy a house together.

 

No matter how much hurt it gives, NC is the best way to go. any contact will just make it harder for you to move on.

 

I'm not fully over her. Probably wont be until i meet someone else. Its the lonelyness i'm finding hard. so much reminds me of the ex. all i can recommend is just fill up your spare time as much as possible

[quirky]

No matter how much hurt it gives, NC is the best way to go. any contact will just make it harder for you to move on.

 

Judging from my situation I can agree with that. But at the same time complete NC is just abnormal to me, unless it is agreed by both parties. Makes everything appear invalid. I also think that trust issues often arise after a breakup regardless of the situation. I relate to that other thing you said Hobbes about thinking that they'll come back, like "No, it can't be..was it all in my head?". But as I say many times on the board it's best to look at the facts of today, no if's buts or maybe's. All we have is the present, what's in front of us at this very moment.

[1guygirl]

abandoment is one of the hardest things to deal with...spesh when its out the blue

 

id def think about seeing a counselor

[minou]

Quirky... "complete NC is just abnormal to me, unless it is agreed by both parties. Makes everything appear invalid"... I so agree with you on this... One month before we split up it was "I love you forever...everything I have is yours"... this after 12 years of marriage. Now he can't return one phone call or text. We had separated once before and he had not responded for a while. When we got back together last time he cried about not having contacted me and said it was because he was using coke and was ashamed of how he was treating me. I just assumed we would be back together again this time also. It feels like I don't even exist in his eyes, and that is so painful after so many happy years together. It makes me feel a little crazy. I get a sense of derealization. Hard to face the present when it feels unreal, I am still so in love with him, and more than 2 years later still can't get him off my mind. I found out he's been with someone else a year and half from her. She called me after seeing emails and texts from me. She asked me to send divorce papers, but he has yet to ask me for a divorce. At this point, that is my comfort. I feel so stupid writing all this after so long, but I can't deny what's in my heart when it's still so blatant. I've tried so many things and I can't stop missing him. Lately I respond here to other people, but don't really tell my own story. I feel a bit vulnerable opening up this way today. Last night, for the first time, I got this feeling... if he is happy then I feel good about that. If he stops being happy, I hope he contacts me. I would like to grow old together in the way he used to say he wanted for us. I've tried dating, friends, activities, work is great... I still pine for him. Frankly, sometimes the only way I can cope with the pain is to keep hoping for the future. We had more years of happiness, real joy, than many people in marriages, ten really... so I know there are memories there than can pull him back in one day if he sits back and nothing is satisfying him. Frankly, the woman who called me sounded so unlike someone he'd be into... really scoolmarmy, judgmental and boring. I doubt she'll be able to deal with his occasional all night bike rides. It's spring and I'm thinking to myself on weekends, oh honey get on that bike and ride all night. This is longer than I intended it to be. I agree OP it is not less cruel in the long run, total NC for so long. Sometimes I cringe when I see people's responses here telling someone to totally ignore an ex who seems like a basically nice person. There must be a gentler way to communicate? Otherwise it does feel like it invalidates the depth of what once was. People say get over it. Easier said than done for some of us.

[jbrooklyn]

This is sad to me. Im sorry for your suffering. It is not easy to let go something and someone that mad you happy for so many years. I see why you are feeling the way you do. Totally understandable

 

BUT>>>you have to let go of the past. You have to OVERCOME the past. You are not living right here in the now. He is however. I would say to you that he had a chance to choose you...he chose someone else. He made that decision to leave.

 

It is time for you to choose to truly truly let go. This is know is hard and takes time. I am still in denial myself. My ex told me we are never getting back together but for some reason I think it can stilll work out. Love is blind, crazy, stupid, and dumb sometimes. But we have to remember that ahead of us is a good life. Better than the past. We need to seriously go for it.

[minou]

I have much more serenity these days. Unless he asks me for a divorce, I will keep hoping. I have that right. Thanks for your kind reply.

[surfNski]

Hey Hobbes, man I can realate to your story. Its been around 9 or 10 months for me and she has NEVER made any attempt to get a hold of me. I have seen her once since she walked out, for business, and she was curt and cruel. Like you she was amzing when we were together, loving, giving attentive, even clingy at time. I didnt think something that incredible could exist.

 

It was crazy how she left we had amazing sex just two nights before. We had custom rings weddings designed, we were looking at different places to have the wedding then just one day she said it was over.

 

Crazy, to this day I dont know why she left. I think its inhuman not to think about,check up on, want to talk to someone that you you loved SO MUCH for so long. I guess some people can just detach. Narcissist definitley fits her...