Fear of Intimacy

[Schubatis1]

I've never had a girlfriend before, but not for a lack of wanting. I think I've figured out that it's because I have a fear of intimacy. I'm afraid of letting people know the real me because I'm afraid of being rejected. This goes for everyone- friends, family, colleagues, potential lovers, etc. I tend to focus on the negatives about myself rather than the positives.

 

Naturally, this makes getting into an intimate romantic relationship rather impossible. I can't truly open up to anyone I like. It doesn't help that I'm shy by nature, but in retrospect I've always sabotaged my chances of getting in a romantic relationship so that I could avoid being emotionally intimate.

 

I realize that before I can even begin to think about getting into a romantic relationship I have to get over this fear of intimacy. I guess I'm wondering who else out there who has/ has had this problem? What did you do to get over it? How are things working out for you know?

[Green Mile]

I think I have this too to an extent. I've never had a proper long-term girlfriend and any chances I've had of getting one I've probably ruined because of the irrational fear of becoming close and opening myself up to someone instead of trying to put on a slight act.

 

If I think someone may be attracted to me sometimes I question why, I'll literally think "why the hell do they fancy me, I'm nothing special" so by doing that I'm already putting myself off and probably them too if they sense this! I also have a fear of a girl seeing me naked.

[Jadewhisper]

I realize that before I can even begin to think about getting into a romantic relationship I have to get over this fear of intimacy. I guess I'm wondering who else out there who has/ has had this problem? What did you do to get over it? How are things working out for you know?

 

Well, I'm on the shy side as too. For me, I wouldn't call it a fear,but a hesitant,cautious feeling towards intimacy. That's understandable. I feel it's a gradual growing process. So, instead of actively looking for a guy, I've been learning and growing as a person through reading books, exercising, learning to swim again, walking down a trail and all sorts of things which are all for me.

 

Eventually, I hope to find someone(or someone to find me,heh) who like to get to know me and I'd feel comfortable with.

 

I realize I would like to be with someone who is honest and patient. There are plenty of honest folks out there,but if they don't have the patience....I believe it would difficult to be in a relationship with someone as such.

 

So to answer your question briefly. No, I haven't worked it out entirely,but I'm enjoying the time I've been learning new things and growing as a person.

 

Please don't beat yourself up about it. *hugs*

 

And Green mile, Perhaps the people who fancy you sense what kind of person you are through your general gestures/interaction with them. It is difficult at times to open to other people. I know it is for me. Don't beat yourself either.*hugs*

[givinggirl]

I'm shy as well. I don't believe that I have a fear of intimacy. I really want to find that one person I can trust with everything. My problem is the people in my life. I've never felt completely secure with most family members. I tend to share as little as possible. I don't have long-term friends. Many people I know have friends from their childhood and I don't. My longest friend is 6 years right now. Most people I have known and been in relationships with ended up being pretty big liars. I try not to hold that against the whole world, but I can't completely ignore it either.

[Schubatis1]

My problem is the people in my life. I've never felt completely secure with most family members. I tend to share as little as possible.

 

That's exactly how I feel. I tend to compartmentalize my relationships and try to allow as little crossover as possible. For example, I don't really talk about my friends a whole lot with my family and I don't talk about my family with my friends.

 

I guess I am lucky in that I have a lot of close friends. I'm only 20, but I've known some of my best friends for 12 years.

[Ginger1]

I am 21 and still honestly trying to figure myself out. I DO know that I avoid intimacy- friends, family etc. I obviously love my family- but we aren't reach touch-ey or lovey. Also, I am not an open person, I don't share feelings or all that and I don't do well when people come to me with their 'issues'!

 

And I can't really decide what kind of shy I am. I'm a student and I always ask questions and that type of thing in class- I don't mind talking to new people in class or going to prof.s and that kind of thing.

I start to back off a lot when it's a guy who is talking to me- EVEN if I am attracted to them. I'm just uncomfortable with that and I don't know why. I have been working on it lately because I'm starting to move on and I'll be in the 'real' world soon enough. I am trying to be more chatty towards guys just as I am with other people.

 

Lately I have felt more confident in myself because I have some plans and goals I'm working towards, which makes me less "worried" about getting in a relationship and therefore I am more relaxed about talking to people without getting jumpy

[Schubatis1]

That's how I feel. Whenever I'm with my friends and family I always feel uncomfortable discussing relationships and other personal issues.

 

I open up just fine in a workplace/classroom setting. When I'm in class I have no problem talking to other students in the context of class or answering questions (even if it means talking directly with girls).

[LightbulbSun]

I don't only have a fear of intimacy, I don't feel like a sexual person at all. It's like that switch was never turned on for me.

 

For practice, I recorded myself on microphone the other day talking dirty. When I listened back to it, it sounded completely foreign to me. And I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when I was actually recording it.

[Jake]

LightbulbSun what do you mean by you don't feel like a sexual person at all? Do you not find women attractive? I'd find that hard to believe.

[YakasJourney]

I have a fear of intimacy as well. The question is why. I think it is a core belief that we are not good enough, that we are somehow not lovable. In my case, my mother who tried to convince me that my dad didn't love me, nobody else loved me, only she did. She did this because she felt unloved herself, due to her poor upbringing and failed marriage. She felt unloved so she loved me too much, insisted that she be the only source of love for me. I don't blame her, but I do recognize what happened. So every time those negative thoughts come up, I try to convince myself that I am a likable, lovable person. I remember that my upbringing is not necessarily reality. In fact, other people CAN love me. I just have to have faith that this is true.

 

So I think the first step is to figure out WHY you have this fear of intimacy.

[Schubatis1]

@/Jake/ and lightbulbsun

 

I think I know what lightbulbsun means when they say they don't feel like a sexual person; I think I used to feel this way as well. I felt like I was an 11 or 12-year-old boy. I would feel sexually attracted to women, but I didn't feel like they were the least bit attracted to me. I felt like any sexual thoughts or desires (let alone actions) were unnatural and unethical for me to have. In short, I felt completely disconnected from my sexual side.

 

Lightbulbsun, have you tried seeking therapy? I sought therapy for this problem and found that there were some underlying causes that were making me feel this way. I'm glad to say that after only a few short months I no longer felt this way (although obviously I have other problems).

[LightbulbSun]

@/Jake/ and lightbulbsun

 

I think I know what lightbulbsun means when they say they don't feel like a sexual person; I think I used to feel this way as well. I felt like I was an 11 or 12-year-old boy. I would feel sexually attracted to women, but I didn't feel like they were the least bit attracted to me. I felt like any sexual thoughts or desires (let alone actions) were unnatural and unethical for me to have. In short, I felt completely disconnected from my sexual side.

 

Lightbulbsun, have you tried seeking therapy? I sought therapy for this problem and found that there were some underlying causes that were making me feel this way. I'm glad to say that after only a few short months I no longer felt this way (although obviously I have other problems).

 

I was in therapy, but need to go back. I've never brought this up with my therapist - I've been too busy working on trying to get 'comfortable' with people in general (I have social anxiety.)

 

Yeah, I feel exactly that way. I'm a songwriter, and when I sing about love, it always seems to be stuff like "You're the most beautiful girl in the world, beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, I'm so blessed to be with you", etc. Basically, I sound like a teenager talking about his first crush. People like the songs, but I sometimes wonder if it's very clear that I've never kissed a girl, just by listening to my music.

 

And the few times I've tried to write 'sexy songs', it comes out sounding hysterically bad. Like a 13 year old is trying to write about sex. I've thrown away so many songs like that, it's not funny.

 

I can write 'sex fantasy fiction', and have done so before, but in those scenarios I'm writing a character. If I try to write about myself, even if I imagine it as fiction, the sexual aspect comes out sounding fake.

 

Basically, I can't connect myself with sex. I can connect myself imagining myself as someone else having sex, but putting myself in a sexual situation...it doesn't seem realistic.

[LightbulbSun]

LightbulbSun what do you mean by you don't feel like a sexual person at all? Do you not find women attractive? I'd find that hard to believe.

 

I find women attractive, but I don't see them finding me attractive. Even if they do find me attractive, I'd think there's a catch somewhere, and sometime I'll do something that turns them off (and makes them drop me as a sexual prospect.)

 

For example, I find Emma Watson very sexually attractive. However, I never want to meet her in real life, because this is the reaction I think I'd get:

 

(screwed up face) "Eww, you're so disgusting! Get away from me, you ugly man!"

 

Same with Avril Lavigne and Christina Aguilera. I don't find either of them finding me attractive, even though I find THEM attractive.

[Jake]

I find women attractive, but I don't see them finding me attractive. Even if they do find me attractive, I'd think there's a catch somewhere, and sometime I'll do something that turns them off (and makes them drop me as a sexual prospect.)

 

Yeah my mind likes to pretend she only see's me as a friend.

 

I've never been on a date but I can totally see myself going on a date and that date turning into several dates and I still can't make a move (kiss her for example) because I simply can't picture her wanting that... It's such a simple thing for most people to do and yet my mind can't wrap it's pathetic brain cells around it at all...

 

 

For example, I find Emma Watson very sexually attractive. However, I never want to meet her in real life, because this is the reaction I think I'd get:

 

(screwed up face) "Eww, you're so disgusting! Get away from me, you ugly man!"

 

Same with Avril Lavigne and Christina Aguilera. I don't find either of them finding me attractive, even though I find THEM attractive.

 

Yeah it's odd you mention never wanting to meet in real life... I feel the same way. And if I did meet them in real life I would just avoid them or pretend I was invisible...

 

I think my worst nightmare would be where I was stuck in a room with only my crush.... Can you die from anxiety attacks?

 

 

 

I think "normally" a guy would feel like he's on cloud 9 if a girl he finds extremely attractive is giving him attention. I do the exact opposite, my body subconsciously reacts like I'm about to receive harm like I'm going to face death any second and all I want to do is GET OUT OF THERE.

 

It's like the most horrible feeling ever and I've wondered if maybe something bad happened to me as a kid and I don't remember? Maybe my mind has blocked it out so I don't have to deal with it? But I know I had a very stable and peaceful childhood so my only conclusion is I'm just messed up in general.

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah my mind likes to pretend she only see's me as a friend.

 

I've never been on a date but I can totally see myself going on a date and that date turning into several dates and I still can't make a move (kiss her for example) because I simply can't picture her wanting that... It's such a simple thing for most people to do and yet my mind can't wrap it's pathetic brain cells around it at all...

 

Same here. In fact, I can't even picture a scenerio where she would want me to kiss her or have sex.

 

Ever hear the song "Faded" by SoulDecision? Google the lyrics if you don't know the song, it was popular my senior year of high school. Well, I listen to the lyrics, and I can't connect with the singer or the lyrics at all, because I feel I have no game and I will never be in a place 'to get some play.'

 

Yeah it's odd you mention never wanting to meet in real life... I feel the same way. And if I did meet them in real life I would just avoid them or pretend I was invisible...

 

I think my worst nightmare would be where I was stuck in a room with only my crush.... Can you die from anxiety attacks?

 

 

 

I think "normally" a guy would feel like he's on cloud 9 if a girl he finds extremely attractive is giving him attention. I do the exact opposite, my body subconsciously reacts like I'm about to receive harm like I'm going to face death any second and all I want to do is GET OUT OF THERE.

 

It's like the most horrible feeling ever and I've wondered if maybe something bad happened to me as a kid and I don't remember? Maybe my mind has blocked it out so I don't have to deal with it? But I know I had a very stable and peaceful childhood so my only conclusion is I'm just messed up in general.

Yes, and it's funny, because it's probably completely unrealistic. I'm pretty sure Emma Watson wouldn't go 'eww', she seems like a nice enough girl from her interviews (and I've talked to a few people who know her in RL, and they say she's really nice.) And Avril seems like a total sweetheart, just going by her interviews and her interactions with her fans (she's one that I probably would want to meet, because she seems like such a nice person.) Christina, on the other hand, I've heard can be a total sometimes...but sometimes she's nice. She's talented, though (I like her music), so I wouldn't want to meet her in case it wrecks my image of her as a fan.

 

And deep down, part of me knows that I'm not unattractive. Girls in RL have told me I'm sexy; when I was close to 300 pounds (I'm around 219 right now), I had a hot Asian girl hitting on me, and I know that I'm not repulsive. However...I still don't feel like a sexual being. I look young, first of all - I look like I'm around 17-19 - and I act awkward, like a young kid, around women my age. So I feel like, if they had a choice between me and another guy my age who's more worldly and experienced, they would choose the more experienced guy.

 

Unless they're one of those women who get off on inexperienced guys. I wish I could find myself an attractive, intelligent girl who likes inexperienced guys, and would lead, at least until I get my feet wet.

[Jake]

Same here. In fact, I can't even picture a scenerio where she would want me to kiss her or have sex.[/b]

 

Yeah I have a very hard time with it as well...

 

 

Ever hear the song "Faded" by SoulDecision? Google the lyrics if you don't know the song, it was popular my senior year of high school. Well, I listen to the lyrics, and I can't connect with the singer or the lyrics at all, because I feel I have no game and I will never be in a place 'to get some play.'

 

I've never heard that song before and same like you I can't relate to it either....

 

I don't feel I have no game I know I have no game lol! Thing is I don't think I'd ever want to be like that, to have game, to know how to flirt with any girl I meet. I'm not like that, for whatever reason I have a strong tendency to think...romantically.

It was a huge shock to my naive little mind when I realized women don't always want a long term stable relationship. This is also why I have a hard time approaching a girl I like because if I get rejected it hurts more because I cared more in the first place about her...

 

 

Yes, and it's funny, because it's probably completely unrealistic. I'm pretty sure Emma Watson wouldn't go 'eww', she seems like a nice enough girl from her interviews (and I've talked to a few people who know her in RL, and they say she's really nice.) And Avril seems like a total sweetheart, just going by her interviews and her interactions with her fans (she's one that I probably would want to meet, because she seems like such a nice person.) Christina, on the other hand, I've heard can be a total sometimes...but sometimes she's nice. She's talented, though (I like her music), so I wouldn't want to meet her in case it wrecks my image of her as a fan.

 

Yeah problem is if the girls nice to me I tend to think in my head that she's either doing so because:

 

a.) Her girl friends dared her too (some kind of bet or something).

 

b.) She saw me alone and felt pity so she's only trying to keep me company.](*,)

 

c.) She's talking to me because her personality is very outgoing and she talks to everybody anyway.

 

d.) She just wants to make a new friend.

 

 

And deep down, part of me knows that I'm not unattractive. Girls in RL have told me I'm sexy; when I was close to 300 pounds (I'm around 219 right now), I had a hot Asian girl hitting on me, and I know that I'm not repulsive. However...I still don't feel like a sexual being. I look young, first of all - I look like I'm around 17-19 - and I act awkward, like a young kid, around women my age. So I feel like, if they had a choice between me and another guy my age who's more worldly and experienced, they would choose the more experienced guy.

 

First off congrats on losing the weight man, that's very impressive.

 

Weird you mention you look young for your age as I'm the same way. For example: A few months ago I was at the hospital getting blood drawn and after the nurse was done she asked me how old I was. I told her I was 20 years old, to which she replied and said, "really? you look a lot younger then that."

 

I'm 6ft 1 and weigh 185 pounds and sport a goatee on top of that...her comment just frustrated me.

 

 

Unless they're one of those women who get off on inexperienced guys. I wish I could find myself an attractive, intelligent girl who likes inexperienced guys, and would lead, at least until I get my feet wet.

 

I couldn't agree with you more on this...most women my age however just like to have fun and not take dating seriously.

[YakasJourney]

For example, I find Emma Watson very sexually attractive. However, I never want to meet her in real life, because this is the reaction I think I'd get:

 

(screwed up face) "Eww, you're so disgusting! Get away from me, you ugly man!"

 

Same with Avril Lavigne and Christina Aguilera. I don't find either of them finding me attractive, even though I find THEM attractive.

There is a sexual energy inside every person but personality is what matters for attraction. Sure you think Emma Watson is so attractive, but do you realize you could meet her and find her completely annoying? Also, she could meet you and think you are hilarious and be totally attracted to you. Attraction is a magical, sometimes random phenomenon. Never underestimate the ability of a woman to like you for who you are.

 

a.) Her girl friends dared her too (some kind of bet or something).

 

b.) She saw me alone and felt pity so she's only trying to keep me company.

 

c.) She's talking to me because her personality is very outgoing and she talks to everybody anyway.

 

d.) She just wants to make a new friend.

a) would never happen. Normal people just don't do this.

 

b) The second you start to think it is pity, yes it becomes pity. But not until you think it.

 

c) I am interested in why you chose to put the word "anyway" at the end of that sentence. You should view someone talking to you as a good thing. Many times an outgoing person is talking to everyone because they view everyone as a potential new relationship.

 

d) What is wrong with making friends with people? Welcome it.

[Jake]

a) would never happen. Normal people just don't do this.

 

Yes you're probably right at my age that wouldn't happen but back in high school who could you really define as "normal."

 

 

b) The second you start to think it is pity, yes it becomes pity. But not until you think it.

 

It's never happened to me personally where a girl kept me company because of that but I still have the potential of thinking that way...

 

 

c) I am interested in why you chose to put the word "anyway" at the end of that sentence. You should view someone talking to you as a good thing. Many times an outgoing person is talking to everyone because they view everyone as a potential new relationship.

 

I doubt an outgoing girl is talking to everyone because they view them all as a potential new relationship. I don't, but maybe that's because I'm more picky?

I said the word "anyways" just from what I've seen happen to my friends when they thought the girl was "into them" and also from what I know personally. Overall I just tend to be more cautious around outgoing women because I don't know if she just touched my forearm because my joke was genuinely funny or she's actually interested in me...

 

Very hard to read those kind of girls...and I'm dense as brick to begin with heh.

 

 

d) What is wrong with making friends with people? Welcome it.

 

I welcome it fully but almost never with women because if I have a crush on her and she's friend zoned me that's more like hell for me emotionally.

[LightbulbSun]

There is a sexual energy inside every person but personality is what matters for attraction. Sure you think Emma Watson is so attractive, but do you realize you could meet her and find her completely annoying? Also, she could meet you and think you are hilarious and be totally attracted to you. Attraction is a magical, sometimes random phenomenon. Never underestimate the ability of a woman to like you for who you are.

 

Very true. And the truth is, you can't really judge a person's personality based on looks. Some of the nicest people I've ever known were really attractive, and some of the worst people I've ever known were really attractive, too.

 

It's more that I worry about being judged on my own attractiveness. That's where all this insecurity comes from. I'm not worried about my sense of humor, I know I can crack a good joke. It's more, I'm insecure about the way I look.

[YakasJourney]

Dude read this thread

 

 

There are attractive women out there who will like you even if you aren't a model. It's hard to believe but its totally true. Just say it to yourself in the mirror every morning.

[LightbulbSun]

Thanks for that link, Yakas.