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Finding things out that are making things worse

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I only came onto these boards to look at advice others have been given, to try and help what I am going through.


When looking through these, I found my exs (the 'dumper') usual log in for social sites, and I couldn't help but look. I really wish I hadn't.


In the messages, made after he broke my heart through email, for no reason, and still saying he cared, loved and wanted to stay in contact with me, are about how much he can't get over his previous ex (the one that came before me). They talk about the hell he has been through in the last year and how he thinks about her every day...


What was I to him? He told me that he loved me and was so glad to have met me when we got together. I really fell for him and now I just don't understand. He doesn't mention me at all in these posts, or about how much he hurt me. Did I really mean nothing to him?

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Welcome to ENA, rachel_d.



First of all, there is no guarantee whatsoever that the person using that username is your ex. I have a couple of different usernames for websites because quite often the one I normally use is already taken by someone else. So it's entirely possible that you are giving yourself a hard time for no reason.


Second, IF your ex is indeed the person who wrote those posts, then none of what he may have written invalidates this:


still saying he cared, loved and wanted to stay in contact with me


It is very possible to love and deeply care for someone even if your heart is not entirely "free"; I imagine the reason he broke up with you was because he wasn't entirely over his ex yet, but that doesn't mean he didn't love you as much as he could at that time. I understand how much it must hurt you, but you can find at least a little bit of comfort in that.


I love someone very much but I never post about him on ENA, because he barely ever gives me a reason to seek advice or vent. My situation with my ex was complicated for a while, and so that's what I posted about. It wasn't really a hierarchy of caring --it's just that one situation prompted it and the other one didn't.



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It was definitely his username...I looked at previous posts that he had made and it just confirmed it.


I know I feel like I should take comfort in the fact that he 'loved me as much as he could', but the way in which he ended things was not nice and really hurt me. And since then he has not shown any sign that he want to keep in contact with me, and it has been nearly a month (I have maintained NC on my part because I was so angry with how he ended it). We were together for a large chunk of that 'one year of hell' and it just seems that he used me or didn't enjoy being with me.


I don't know whats worse.

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It must have been extremely hurtful to have read all that. I recall in the early days of a relationship, seeing a letter written by a female friend (platonic) to my then fella saying that she was sorry that the relationship with me wasn't going very well. He'd left it there so blatantly that I wonder if I was meant to see it, but I kept calm and told him that if he wasn't happy, to say so and chances were we could do something about it.


I FELT angry and betrayed. I'm sure that's just a fraction of what you're going through now.


However, regarding your ex's messages on here ... he made them after he split up with you. He was probably feeling guilty and upset, and sometimes it's easier to focus on something unattainable (in this case, his previous ex) than look at something uncomfortable in himself. I don't for a minute believe that his year with you was hell, or that he didn't enjoy being with you - you don't stay with someone for the best part of a year just for the heck of it.


I'm sorry you're going through this after a painful breakup. Just concentrate on your own healing for now, maintain the NC for yourself, and it will get better in time. You know all this!



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