Getting Better! Lessons learned??

[freegirl116]

Hi all,

 

Just wanted to create a positive thread for those who are undergoing NC. I myself am torn between sadness and relief but with each day that passes I feel so much better and stronger.

 

I feel like I can start letting go of the anger, accept the things that have happened and realise that nothing I do now can change them. The only thing we can do is learn from them and move on with no baggage, expectations or bitter resentment. This is a positive day for me! I drove by the place where it all began with my ex and I today and I felt sad because what we had is gone but cherish the memories and hope I can create better ones with someone new.

 

So in order to encourage this I'd like to know what everybody else out there have learnt about their past relationships and whether they feel like they can love again.

[Sac]

i really do and i think NC really works initiating it or not. 3-4 weeks i felt much better, accepted whats happened fully, even accepting that my ex jumped ship after dumping me (which really sucked)

 

1. make the most of the moments you share together when in a relationship...especially if its LDR

 

2. learn to love yourself and do what makes you happy

 

3. learn from your mistakes and dont make them again in your next realtionship

 

4. after reading forums ect.. as soon as you hear the BS excsues the dumper says, the realtionship is over so dont be needy or clingy!!

[fr0z3n]

I'm currently on NC right now... after our breakup and while I'm on the road of feeling better (I'm still on that journey), I realized and learned alot of things:

 

1. I am not in control of anyones life, whatever their descision, I dont have the right to control them.

 

2. I learned how to let go.

 

3. I learned that I should also love myself.

 

4. I learned that there are really some things that is beyond my control.

 

5. I learned that I shouldn't let any people walk all over me and disrespect me, even if I love that person so much.

 

Those are some things that I learned, I might learn alot more while I'm still on this journey...

[abigheart]

I'm currently in the process of NC as well. It's been 1 month since our break up, and a few weeks of NC with the exception of an e-mail exchange yesterday in which I told him I harbor no bitter feelings, don't want to feel guilt for not owning up to my end of what could have triggered him to break up with me, etc. He broke up with me because he was unsure about a lot of things (I wouldn't say necessarily entirely between us) but just wasn't ready to continue a long-term relationship. Now it's officially NC until who knows when.

 

We both made note that we are on our individual paths towards self-growth. While I wish we could do it together, sometimes we have to figure these things out on our own. I'm still struggling with the "letting go of expectations" bit, and it's of course still painful, but I've learned a few things that I need to constantly remind myself. I want to make a list like fr0z3n, too.

 

1. I am responsible for my own happiness. You can never let anyone determine your happiness. With that said, I can't depend on my ex to make me happy, I cant think that "if only he would come back" then I would be happy. No! I have to choose to be happy NOW. or try to anyway Even when we were together, I almost placed too much dependency on him to give me that joy, which leads to..

 

2. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else. This is mentioned quite often, but I never fully grasped it until now.

 

3. Like fr0z3n, I am learning that I am not in control of anyone's life and decisions. I can't make my ex come back to me no matter how much I remind him of how special our relationship was, etc. We can't force anyone to do anything. THey are how they are, they feel as they feel, and well, I have to accept that.

 

4. If I love someone, I shouldn't wish them bitterness or anger but ultimately, happiness. Initially, I was really angry and was thinking "he better knows what he's missing out on!," guilt-tripped him, etc. I mean, I'm still kind of thinking that he will probably feel what he's missed out on later down the road, but not in a bitter way. I'm beginning to realize that even though he hurt me by breaking up with me, he treated me so well, and I loved this person so much that whether we end up back together or not, I want him to be happy out of complete respect for him. This might not be the case with everyone obviously if one partner mistreated/cheated on the other, etc. But for me, we were solid and respected each other.

 

5. Seeing the break-up as a blessing in disguise. While I would love for my ex and I to get back together, I've begun to see through NC and seeing things in a more objective way and not muddled by emotions, there are things I can definitely improve on for myself. This kind of goes up there with loving yourself. But I can see how this is an opportunity for me to grow and mature as well. And with time, I know I will become a stronger, better person. The next person who comes along will be lucky as I will be a better person than I am now

 

Keep up the positivity everyone! This is a great thread.

[Starbourne]

I'll join in on the fun. My points are similar to those who have already posted.

 

1) I learned that when I get involved in relationships, I have a tendency to neglect loving myself when someone else starts loving me. Furthermore, when my relationship ended with my girl friend, the relationship that I had with myself ended as well. Long story short, I learned that regardless of who loves me or not, I always need to remember to love myself, always.

 

2) To always appreciate every moment that I have with my significant other, because you never know which moment may be your last together. I still remember the last time i saw my ex girl friend, and then hugged and kissed her good bye. It's as if it happened yesterday.

 

3) to not get into relationships with someone who just got out of one (duh).

 

4) That self respect is definitely, the most important kind of respect. When we broke up, I lost respect for myself. I begged and pleaded. I'm still working towards getting that respect back that I had. Along with my dignity.

 

5) To love whole heartedly.

[freegirl116]

I loved that bit about respect. Over the past two days I have experienced the fall to rock bottom.

 

I had a panic attack last night and an extreme emotional breakdown today... I'm considering the possibility that I may be suffering from depression.

 

All of this was triggered by family problems and when i was in pain I found myself automatically wanting to text my ex and then realising how could I when I deleted his name off my phone...? Today I drove home in a state, desperately thinking of ways I could get my ex's number to call him because I needed to talk to the one person who'd understand.

 

4 hours later I'm sitting here, calm and composed thinking that just when you think things couldn't get any worse they really do! Despite the intense pain I'm glad tonight happened because reality hit home- I really do not have him anymore and despite the urge to call him I didn't which in the long term I am greatful for.

 

Tonight I learned that the only person you can truly depend upon is yourself and instead of seeking comfort from others you should make it so you can find comfort and stability in yourself. Being a loser in love sucks but being a desperate loser in love sucks even worse!

 

I may be heartbroken but I'll retain my NC dignity thank you very much!