What Kind of Dreams Do You Have?

[_Asti_]

I thought that dreaming was part of grieving. I don't know really where I got it from, but I was under the impression that dreaming of someone who passed away was part of the process.

 

I know people grieve differently, but I asked my sister if she's ever dreamed of our Mother since she passed, and she said she did once, and it was a great beautiful dream.

 

I on the other hand have nightmares several times a week. Nightmares where she's struggling to breath, where she's crawling in the hallways in the hospital reaching for me, asking for me to help her, I've 'killed' her multiple times in these dreams, injecting her with something to end her suffering.

 

They are exhausting, and make me dread going to sleep, and leave me awake in the middle of the night in tears, and feeling like utter crap.

 

My sister was shocked.

 

So I'm just wondering if anyone has had nightmares as well after a loved one has died?

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, they do, particularly if there are unresolved issues between them and the deceased. It's also healthy to be angry with the person who's died, too (I recall feeling VERY relieved when I heard that from a bereavement counsellor!), and it sounds as though any ambivalent feelings you had towards your mother are being processed in your subconscious, too. I'm thinking of you seeing her suffering and then 'killing her' by ending it.

 

It's horrible being woken by nightmares, regardless of what they're about, and I sympathise in that yours are clearly related to reality, too. Please don't feel bad about having them, thereby adding guilt to your other difficult emotions.

 

As you are aware, everyone processes things differently and just trust that your unconscious, in its wisdom, knows where it's going. I do hope all this resolves for you soon, and I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your mother,

 

(((HUGS)))

[_Asti_]

My sister said it sounded like I have alot of guilt. And I think its part of it. Her last days in the hospital, I felt so helpless. All we could do is sit and watch her die. I didn't know what she was thinking, or feeling, if she was suffering, or struggling. My dad looked to me for alot of 'choices' in regards to medications and things of that nature, and its like suddenly all these choices I did make, feel like they are coming back to haunt me. And I sit here replaying everything, questioning everything I did, or made a choice of.

 

I guess I just need to ride it out, and let 'myself' and my subconcious sort it out.

[fLuiD]

In my opinion, dreams are just a way for the mind to exhaust excess energy. There is stress, emotions, feelings, etc that get bottled up and the brain simply wants to release them. These come through dreams.

 

I don't recall ever having nightmares about a deceased person, but I do tend to have a lot of nightmares where someone close dies. My detached attitude on dreams helps me cope with this. I dont see dreams so much as a grieving process, but more of an outlet for the feelings built up. Obviously if you have your mother's passing on your ming throughout the day, it will be reflected in your dreams.

[livelarge]

Sounds like you had the burden of making decisions while your sister could simply be with your mother during her last days.

 

You didn't kill your mother. Whatever illness she had did.

 

I have not had nightmares about my sister since she past 3 months ago, but I have no unresolved issues with her.

 

If your subconscious doesn't work it out, think about talking to a grief counsellor.

[aurevoir]

I have dreams about... sex...... and my mother trying to kill me.

 

Pretty much!

[fLuiD]

Simply think of it as a natural process, and don't try too hard to find meaning in the dreams. Unfortunately your brain has chosen nightmares to 'reset' itself.

[_Asti_]

Sounds like you had the burden of making decisions while your sister could simply be with your mother during her last days.

 

You didn't kill your mother. Whatever illness she had did.

 

I have not had nightmares about my sister since she past 3 months ago, but I have no unresolved issues with her.

 

If your subconscious doesn't work it out, think about talking to a grief counsellor.

 

My sister was very 'detached' during my Mother's battle with cancer. She had a very superficial role in everything, but thats just who she is. Whereas I was very hands on, taking her to her treatments and appointements, spending night after night at her bedside at the hospital. And yet I felt like I didn't do enough for her.

 

I am seeing my family physician next week and I am looking into get a referal for grief counselling.

[_Asti_]

In my opinion, dreams are just a way for the mind to exhaust excess energy. There is stress, emotions, feelings, etc that get bottled up and the brain simply wants to release them. These come through dreams.

 

I don't recall ever having nightmares about a deceased person, but I do tend to have a lot of nightmares where someone close dies. My detached attitude on dreams helps me cope with this. I dont see dreams so much as a grieving process, but more of an outlet for the feelings built up. Obviously if you have your mother's passing on your ming throughout the day, it will be reflected in your dreams.

 

I do like this train of thought. Alot of the time I supress what I am thinking or feeling, oterhwise it consumes me. So it does make sense that it comes through during the night.

[Cognitive_Canine]

My sister was very 'detached' during my Mother's battle with cancer. She had a very superficial role in everything, but thats just who she is. Whereas I was very hands on, taking her to her treatments and appointements, spending night after night at her bedside at the hospital. And yet I felt like I didn't do enough for her.

 

I am seeing my family physician next week and I am looking into get a referal for grief counselling.

 

That's a good idea.

 

I think you do feel somewhat guilty. It looks like you took on a lot of responsibility with trying to make her feel better and help with the process. People like your sister tend to detach themselves from situations like this. They aren't bad people, it's just a defense mechanism for them so that they don't end up more hurt. Meanwhile you involved yourself heavily in your mother's health. It makes sense that it affects you far heavier than it does your sister. She's been grieving and disconnecting herself for months while you attached yourself more and are grieving more.

 

Hopefully you get some resolution.

[citymouse]

My sister was shocked.

 

So I'm just wondering if anyone has had nightmares as well after a loved one has died?

 

My sister also was more detached emotionally when my mother was dying of cancer and I assumed more of the burden... At the time I was relatively young, as you are --- I was the one who took the lead in making decisions etc. etc., and after my mom died I fell really hard while my sister continued to shut down in a lot of ways. She kind of went into a waking trance and was really out of it a lot; meanwhile I wore my heart on my sleeve and poured my heart out to anyone who would listen. My sister also was somewhat shocked at my strong feelings. Her way of coping was to skip over the surface of things. It was as if a switch had turned off inside her, she was practically catatonic at times, not even hearing me when I would talk to her for instance. (she has since gotten better though)

 

Therapy is a great idea for you... it is frankly what saved me and kept me relatively functional in the year or two after mom passed away.

 

And yes I also had vivid nightmares where my mother was in need of help -- in my dreams I would "forget" to take care of her -- would leave her alone for days without food or meds while I took off shopping or on a vacation -- and in my dreams I would panic when I realized I had forgotten, and I was always running back to her to try to save her from my neglect.

 

Even some 18 years later, the only dreams I ever have involving my mother, are always dreams where mom is sick and needs help. Every last one. In the 18 years since mom passed away, I have yet to have a dream where my mom is happy and healthy. Very odd. The dreams are very infrequent now, but it still saddens me when I have them.

 

Anyway, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were very close to your mom -- it hurts more to lose your mom when she was your best friend, and that's how close I was to my own mom. We were soul sisters and I know I'll never experience that level of love and closeness with anyone but mom. Do hunt for a good therapist. If ever there was a time in your life when you need to get professional advice, support, insight and perspective, it's now. Good luck.

[_Asti_]

Thank you for your post citymouse.

I am really going to look into some sort of therapy. I know keeping it in and trying to process things myself isn't the way to go, and I am tired of trying to do it myself.

 

I am especially struggling right now with the weather change. My Mom loved summer, and we did so much together during the summer months [bBQ, sitting on the deck drinking, yard saling, tanning, gardening..] our relationship was hitting the whole "My Mom is my best friend" phase. I feel robbed out of something that had so much potential.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I had dreams after all my grandparents and my baby died. They were mostly negative and some were beautiful.

[DanDee]

People close to me dying or pregnancy (either me being pregnant or my mum being pregnant again). So flippin' REAL.

[GoneCrazy]

2 kinds of dreams that i have. 1 a girl that i like or any girl, and 2 ones that make no sense just off the wall.

[citymouse]

I feel robbed out of something that had so much potential.

 

 

I know the feeling. It really sucks!

 

While you are working through this process I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you and your mom were close and had such good times together. That is one thing that always got me through when I was at a low point. Be so grateful for that. Nobody and nothing can ever take those memories and that love away from you. And throughout your life, you can honor your mom in the way you treat other people and your own loved ones. That is a living legacy that your mother gave to you and you can pass on to others....anyway, good luck to you!

[IBrakeForAngel]

Hi there. My best friend just died and yes, I had a lot of dreams right before she died wherein she would die and sometimes even I would kill her. One was some kind of weird she died, then she time traveled and came back, and I tried to prevent her dying and failed. Etc. The most disturbing ones are the ones where you kill them, though. The other night, I had a dream where I shot someone without really thinking about it, and then I saw them and was devastated. It wasn't my friend but it could have been remotely related to her. I am really glad that you posted this topic because I was wondering if I was really weird for having these oftentimes morbid dreams. I haven't yet had a beautiful dream about it, but I'd like to, of course. It's really good to share these things and get support.