What did he mean?

[givinggirl]

The shy guy I've been interested in was out with our mutual friend last night at the bar. I get a text late in the night from our mutual friend asking me if the shy guy is over at my house. I replied no, why? (Really such a silly question as he wouldn't ever be at my house by himself.) Then he replied, "He was selling u at the bar." I asked him what he meant and he said Nothing. He wouldn't say anything else and just kept saying he was wasted.

 

What do you think he meant by that? It's been driving me nuts all night!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's strange? To me it sounds like either he was talking a lot about you so that people got the idea he likes you....or he was being a braggart to impress his friends and made it seem like he was going to get lucky with you that night since he figured you liked him. At any rate, I would not waste my time over-thinking it..if he wants to be with you he will get his act together and talk to you, not people in the bar.

[Batya33]

Agree with COD - and at least now you know he's not that shy if he can talk you up in that way -- if that's what really happened. since his friend was "wasted" you really have no idea who said what and to whom - maybe he just has fun making random phone calls when he's drunk.

[givinggirl]

Agree with COD - and at least now you know he's not that shy if he can talk you up in that way -- if that's what really happened. since his friend was "wasted" you really have no idea who said what and to whom - maybe he just has fun making random phone calls when he's drunk.

 

I've known him for many years, both of them actually. He IS shy and very private, but when he's had a lot to drink, his wall lowers a bit. Those are the times when he will ask me things he would never have the courage to ask sober. He will even say, now that I'm in this state, I can ask you....

 

You're right, I have no idea what was said, but I do know that something was said. It may have just been one thing, I don't know. My friend likes to plant seeds when he has information, but then I think once I ask questions he worries that he shouldn't have said it and then won't say anymore.

 

You know how it is though, when you hear that someone (especially someone you're interested in) was talking about you....your curiosity gets the best of you.

[Batya33]

I've known him for many years, both of them actually. He IS shy and very private, but when he's had a lot to drink, his wall lowers a bit. Those are the times when he will ask me things he would never have the courage to ask sober. He will even say, now that I'm in this state, I can ask you....

 

You're right, I have no idea what was said, but I do know that something was said. It may have just been one thing, I don't know. My friend likes to plant seeds when he has information, but then I think once I ask questions he worries that he shouldn't have said it and then won't say anymore.

 

You know how it is though, when you hear that someone (especially someone you're interested in) was talking about you....your curiosity gets the best of you.

 

Sure, I'd be curious but to me, unless a guy is asking me out (when I was single that is, not too long ago), the rest could mean anything - he might like flirting with me, he might be attracted to me, he might just want to be friends or flirty friends - but as far as interest in dating me or a potential relationship if he's not asking me out then I have to assume he's not interested or available to date me.

 

Sounds like this guy relies on alcohol as an excuse to let it all hang out -- that is, he chooses to get drunk so that he doesn't have to put in the effort to work on his social skills and so that he can dismiss or distance himself from whatever he said or says with "because I'm drunk".

 

I'd be careful about getting into any serious relationship with a person who makes choices like that. It might be cute/interesting/challenging now but are you really going to want to wait until he's drunk to find out how he feels about you, about your future together, about whatever it is that is going on in your lives? I was involved with someone like that and while at times it was fun and exciting - especially when I felt like he was opening up to me more than anyone else (when he was drunk), but it got old very fast and I saw his serious emotional/pyschological issues far more than the interesting/fun part.

 

Believe me, there's nothing deep or meaningful about opening up when "wasted" - it just means that he's on his way to having a potential drinking problem if it's something he does with any regularity.

 

Putting aside the alcohol, being curious is one thing - letting it get to you all night that someone might have been gossiping or commenting about you to bartenders says to me that maybe it's time to have a face to face or phone call with this "shy" person when he is sober and figure out what his intentions are with respect to you. I'd be simple and direct "I heard that you were talking about me last night - I want to hear from you what you said". If he won't tell you I'd say nicely "that's fine, no need to tell me but I'd appreciate if from now on you don't talk about me when I'm not there - it makes me uncomfortable - I'm here to talk to directly and if you want to get lunch sometime and get to know each other better, we can do that" (I'd suggest something during the day, so it's clearer that alcohol won't be part of it).

[givinggirl]

Sounds like this guy relies on alcohol as an excuse to let it all hang out -- that is, he chooses to get drunk so that he doesn't have to put in the effort to work on his social skills and so that he can dismiss or distance himself from whatever he said or says with "because I'm drunk". I'd be careful about getting into any serious relationship with a person who makes choices like that.

 

Believe me, there's nothing deep or meaningful about opening up when "wasted" - it just means that he's on his way to having a potential drinking problem if it's something he does with any regularity.

 

This is a pretty big assumption you're making about someone you don't know. He doesn't have a drinking problem, nor does he rely on alcohol to let it all hang out. He's not a totally different person when drinking. When I say he asks me things that he wouldn't ask sober, I don't mean things about me & him, he asks me things about myself or my past. Things he wants to know, but feels embarrassed to ask. Even after he asks me, he gets all embarrassed and says never mind, you don't have to answer that or I shouldn't have asked that. I always answer him, he's never out of line.

 

Practically everyone goes out periodically drinking with their friends. He might lower his wall when drunk, but that doesn't mean that's the reason why he drinks. He doesn't drink to have a crutch. If that were the case, he would do it more often. Not everyone is good at being social or forward. I am one of those shy people who is not the best at being social. It takes me a while to feel comfortable, especially in group settings.

 

Putting aside the alcohol, being curious is one thing - letting it get to you all night that someone might have been gossiping or commenting about you to bartenders says to me that maybe it's time to have a face to face or phone call with this "shy" person when he is sober and figure out what his intentions are with respect to you. I'd be simple and direct "I heard that you were talking about me last night - I want to hear from you what you said". If he won't tell you I'd say nicely "that's fine, no need to tell me but I'd appreciate if from now on you don't talk about me when I'm not there - it makes me uncomfortable - I'm here to talk to directly and if you want to get lunch sometime and get to know each other better, we can do that" (I'd suggest something during the day, so it's clearer that alcohol won't be part of it).

 

He wasn't gossiping about me to a bartender. That's not his style. I think he said something to his friend about me, and it sounds like it was something nice, again, I don't know. It was probably just one thing and our friend ran with it. Your suggested conversation above doesn't sound very friendly to me. It sounds a little rude and defensive. If someone said this to me, I would be put off. I don't mind that he is talking about me. Now that I know, I am curious as to what he was saying. If he wasn't talking about me, then I would think he wasn't interested. That is what people do, it's human nature.

 

I was only curious as to what other people thought about what my friend said. I found it to be odd and that was the reason for this post.

[MinziGirl]

 

Sounds like this guy relies on alcohol as an excuse to let it all hang out -- that is, he chooses to get drunk so that he doesn't have to put in the effort to work on his social skills and so that he can dismiss or distance himself from whatever he said or says with "because I'm drunk".

 

I'd be careful about getting into any serious relationship with a person who makes choices like that..

 

I don't think she mean a drinking problem here but rather the personality of the guy. If someone is that shy & needs to drink to loosen up, i would think twice about wanting to be with this person because there might be other problems dealing with how he handles himself socially.

[Batya33]

I don't think she mean a drinking problem here but rather the personality of the guy. If someone is that shy & needs to drink to loosen up, i would think twice about wanting to be with this person because there might be other problems dealing with how he handles himself socially.

 

Thanks for putting it better than I did.

 

In response to your question about what his friend said, I would not focus or dwell on it. It sounds like drunk jabbering designed to draw attention to himself and to create drama and little or nothing to do with the guy you're interested in or whether he is interested in you or dating you.

 

It's cool if you don't want to have a direct conversation with the person -- the downside is more nights wondering what he thinks and feels, whether what he says when he is drunk is the truth or the alcohol talking, and whether he is not asking you out because he is shy or because he is not interested or available to ask you out. It's just a matter of how much time you want to invest in analyzing and waiting around, as opposed to having a direct conversation about whether he sees the two of you as potentially a good match.

[givinggirl]

I don't think she mean a drinking problem here but rather the personality of the guy. If someone is that shy & needs to drink to loosen up, i would think twice about wanting to be with this person because there might be other problems dealing with how he handles himself socially.

 

This guy and I have similar personalities and I don't view myself as being a relationship hazard. Just because a person is shy or socially awkward doesn't mean they aren't worth pursuing a relationship with. Once a shy person is comfortable with another person, they create very strong relationships. It's just the initial phase that is more difficult.

[Batya33]

This guy and I have similar personalities and I don't view myself as being a relationship hazard. Just because a person is shy or socially awkward doesn't mean they aren't worth pursuing a relationship with. Once a shy person is comfortable with another person, they create very strong relationships. It's just the initial phase that is more difficult.

 

Yes, of course they can but if his habit is to drink to loosen up that is a red flag and will probably end up being an obstacle to creating a strong relationship with you or with anyone.

[givinggirl]

Yes, of course they can but if his habit is to drink to loosen up that is a red flag and will probably end up being an obstacle to creating a strong relationship with you or with anyone.

 

What I'm saying is that it's not his habit to drink to loosen up. He drinks only when hanging out and enjoying the company of his friends. This is a common way for many people to socialize. They aren't always socializing at a bar. He's not using alcohol as a crutch. It's just my observation that he is a little more daring after a few beers.

[Batya33]

What I'm saying is that it's not his habit to drink to loosen up. He drinks only when hanging out and enjoying the company of his friends. This is a common way for many people to socialize. They aren't always socializing at a bar. He's not using alcohol as a crutch. It's just my observation that he is a little more daring after a few beers.

 

OK -that is different than what you wrote above. I don't agree that it is common for people to get drunk or buzzed when they socialize - having a drink, sure, or an amount that has little or no effect on the person - sure, that's pretty typical - but that's not what you wrote.

[givinggirl]

OK -that is different than what you wrote above. I don't agree that it is common for people to get drunk or buzzed when they socialize - having a drink, sure, or an amount that has little or no effect on the person - sure, that's pretty typical - but that's not what you wrote.

 

I wrote a really long response to your other post, but it seems to have disappeared on me. I don't know where it went cause it was there earlier.

 

Anyways, where I live, people do get buzzed when socializing. Heck, it only takes me 2 beers to be buzzed. People go out with the intent of getting buzzed or drunk, so it's not uncommon here. There are corner bars all over the place. Whether it's common or not, really doesn't matter.

 

In my original post when I said that he said he was wasted, I was talking about the friend, not the guy. I didn't talk with the guy, so I don't know what state he was in. I do know that he was the driver and had to work the next day, so I'm sure that he wasn't wasted like the friend. He's a very responsible person.

 

It seems like we are splitting hairs over something that isn't even relevant.

[Batya33]

Yes I understand that it was his friend and as I wrote in answer to your question I would dismiss it as irrelevant drunken jabber, and instead I suggested that you talk with the guy you're interested in rather than musing/overanalyzing on second hand drunken jabber. I also suggested that if it's true that he was "selling u at the bar" that likely means he was talking about his interest in you and perhaps saying he wanted to go to your house, but that doesn't give you much information on whether he is interested in dating you because he hasn't asked you out on a date (and since all of this came through someone who was "wasted" who knows what was said).

 

It sounds like instead of actually talking to the guy you are interested in, you would prefer to rely on what other's say they heard at a bar and be in the dark about this guy's intentions towards you. It's not what I would have done, because when I was single I was looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage and preferred to interact directly with the person I was interested in as much as possible so that if there was potential I would know that sooner rather than later, but you seem comfortable with your approach.

 

As far as the drinking, that's good that you know in advance what you're comfortable with as far as how much partying goes on and that in your opinion that guy who allegedly was "selling you at the bar" is a very responsible person. That's all that matters - what you are comfortable with and what your impression is. We all go for different types and find different activities fun - no worries!

[givinggirl]

I agree with most of what you said. I don't rely on bar talk though. I thought this was a weird thing to say and I was curious about it. If my other post hadn't disappeared, you would have gotten a better idea of where I stand. I'm tempted to re-write it, but I don't have much time right now. Thanks.

[Batya33]

I agree with most of what you said. I don't rely on bar talk though. I thought this was a weird thing to say and I was curious about it. If my other post hadn't disappeared, you would have gotten a better idea of where I stand. I'm tempted to re-write it, but I don't have much time right now. Thanks.

 

I understand. I think people who like drama and are drunk often say weird things that simply reflect the choice to get drunk in order to have an excuse to spread drama and gossip. To think about it all night is a bit extreme, which is why I suggested having a conversation with the guy in question. Good luck.