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Hello everyone. Ive been lurking here for a few years now, never gained the nerve to actually post anything. I guess my story is old but I feel pain just as fresh today.


I apologize for another story.


When I was 10 I met a girl who I fell in love with pretty well at first sight (as far as I can remember). My childhood wasnt the best so I had to keep her secret from my parents, and we kept it this way for a long time. We would generally phone and meet up at school or other places. We fell in love, became best friends.


Highschool was when things got good, she lived 4 blocks from our highschool which made secret meetings no longer a hassle. Around the end of grade 10, Ill never forget when she told me she was pregnant. We talked about baby names and how we were going to raise a kid and jobs, I remember it being scary, it hitting home in my head 'your a father now'. Kristen was convinced our baby was a girl, we bounced names around and I think agreed on Jewel.


Kristen was an adopted child, and a member of her biological family had a pile of cash, and offered Kristen to come down to Florida where they live and visit for a couple weeks until school continued. Kristen flew down with her caregiver, and all was well. The day after she landed she told me on the phone the weather wasn't too bad but too warm either way.


Now I knew she was busy doing vacationy things so I didn't pester her. Got busing biking or somesuch. On day 3 it is occurring to me that she hasnt emailed or called, and I didnt have a number to reach her down there. Days pass, 3, 4 5 days. A full week has gone by, and by this point my gut had a nasty feeling. still nothing. I was freaking out for my girl, ill never forget that. 3 days later on my modem line I see a call coming in. I answer, it is Kristen's caregiver of all people calling on my modem line, but I knew something was wrong. She told me quietly that Kristen was hit by a truck a week previous and passed away in hospital. She told me that her biological family wants to put her in a family crypt somewhere and it is already done.


I tried to get through but her family thought I was scum. I tried hard to find where her body was buried but after years Ive given up. My love is buried somewhere and I dont know where. My entire family held it against me that she was a secret and would yell at me when I was sad, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and she would have left me anyways. Ive got hundreds of scars from the cuts on my arms and legs from not being able to handle it.


12 years now shes been gone. I havnt had a girlfriend since. I am a hermit living in a electronics workshop, I build robots and small machines all day pretty well. I tried for years to get help with my pain but I came to realize that the only thing that will bring me any peace is to one day die. I promised to myself that I wouldn't end it early but instead I would use my brilliance to create works of art and I would not spread or bring any pain on any other.


Kristen was a beautiful blonde, whenever I catch a hint of blonde hair out of the corner of my eye I have to stop myself from looking to see if shes there.

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I am sorry for your loss and for the lack of understanding on the part of your family. Have you ever spoken to a bereavement counsellor? That might help you come to terms with her death so that you can re-join the land of the living. She is gone but you are still on this earth and you should make the most of your time in the land of the living because as you have learned, you never know when your life will end due to unforeseen circumstances. Start living, not existing. Go out and do things, join groups, cultivate other interests, get passionate about life. Maybe one day you will meet someone new once you have renewed your passion for life.

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