I want to break up with my boyfriend... any input welcome please

[LonelyMoondancer]

We've been spending time together and flirting and whatnot for two months, but have only been an official couple for two weeks. Before we got together I was wondering why it was taking so long for us to get together, and I was crazy about him. But the day after he asked to be official, I felt trapped and like it happened too quickly. It's my first relationship, and it hasn't been what I thought it would be. I just don't like him the same way anymore, and I'm not positive why. I feel like I have too much on my mind to juggle him in my life right now. I'm coping with depression, trying desperately to do well at university, have really bad time management, find myself sleeping all day and staying up all night, and just don't have my heart in it. I've been super nice to him but it's starting to feel like an act. When I'm with him I just want to be alone or with my friends. It's not even that he's done anything major. Just seems like he's not who I thought he was. I know he cares about me. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll laugh and kiss my cheek, and always wants to hold hands, and I feel guilty every time it happens. He's super protective and I just don't feel anything deep for him, I like him as a friend. Also he didn't talk to me for two days although I texted him those days because he was busy with school, but called when I was at dinner with my best guy friend. I thought he'd let us be, but he showed up and stuck around and my friend feeling like a third wheel felt he had to leave, which annoyed me. And my friend didn't have a good first impression of him.

I know it's only been two weeks, but I'd feel like a weight would be lifted if this were over. I don't even know what I'm doing lately, this just feels wrong though. He's a nice guy and I don't know how to go about talking about it with him. My friend said he could tell he really likes me, which makes me feel worse. I posted here about early doubts and got replies about me being emotionally immature. Maybe true, but even so I just need help figuring out what to say to him or even why I feel like this. Why don't I even know what I want in a guy? I've been out of it for about a year but I thought taking it day by day with this guy might be a nice addition to my life, instead I feel trapped.

[eggplant47]

Ahhhhh. You may be one of many girls that enjoys the chase more than the actual relationship. And I don't mean this as an insult- a couple of my friends have this exact problem.

 

You can't go on this way. Sit down with him and tell him that you know you've only been together for a short while, but things don't feel right & you don't want to lead him on. Then you'll have the time you need to sort out what you really want/need in your life.

[metafisics]

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you. I've been in your situation more than once. I'm the type that wants to take thingsly slowly and unfortunately this can trigger panic in the other party and result in them trying a lot harder to be even closer, not realising that they start to suffocate you, thus becoming less attractive to you.

 

You did say that this is your first relationship, so no need to psycho-analise your feelings until you see a pattern. I think you are a very considerate person, and have no intentions to hurt him, but remember you come first and hurting his feelings might be inevitable. Be straight forward with him and dont string him along for too long, that's worse than telling him the truth.

 

You might be surprised that he perhaps already know how you feel...

All the best.

[DN]

If it isn't working for you then you should break up. But you should really pay attention in future to your feelings because to veer strongly from wanting to be exclusive to wanting to break up when you are does not really demonstrate a level of emotional maturity that is required to get into relationships - it seems the idea of a relationship is more important than the relationship itself. And the fact that you are so influenced by your friend further demonstrates that - you should be able to decide for yourself whether someone is right for you.

 

Remember this isn't just about you - this is about hurting other people and you have been careless with this guys emotions. Perhaps you should stay away from dating until you are better able to handle the pressures of ordinary life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If it isn't working for you then you should break up. But you should really pay attention in future to your feelings because to veer strongly from wanting to be exclusive to wanting to break up when you are does not really demonstrate a level of emotional maturity that is required to get into relationships - it seems the idea of a relationship is more important than the relationship itself. And the fact that you are so influenced by your friend further demonstrates that - you should be able to decide for yourself whether someone is right for you.

 

Remember this isn't just about you - this is about hurting other people and you have been careless with this guys emotions. Perhaps you should stay away from dating until you are better able to handle the pressures of ordinary life.

 

I totally agree with this. Given the way you have been feeling regarding everything in your life I think you have some issues within yourself that you need to sort out. I think you are unhappy with life in general and are having problems just living day to day. When someone is generally unhappy then no matter how great the partner is, they won't be happy in the relationship because they are unhappy within themself. I would suggest you break up with him (kindly) and tell him that you have issues going on in your life right now that are getting you down and that you are not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. Then don't go back in the dating scene, just spend the time getting your emotions back on track so that you can do well in school, no longer sleep all day and feel happier in general.

[sunshine1]

If it isn't working for you then you should break up. But you should really pay attention in future to your feelings because to veer strongly from wanting to be exclusive to wanting to break up when you are does not really demonstrate a level of emotional maturity that is required to get into relationships - it seems the idea of a relationship is more important than the relationship itself. And the fact that you are so influenced by your friend further demonstrates that - you should be able to decide for yourself whether someone is right for you.

 

Remember this isn't just about you - this is about hurting other people and you have been careless with this guys emotions. Perhaps you should stay away from dating until you are better able to handle the pressures of ordinary life.

 

 

Very well said.

 

I can relate, as when I was in high school I would always like someone until they asked me to be their girlfriend and then back off and run away. When my current bf (of many years) asked me out, I felt like you did the first couple of weeks. I wasn't sure I liked him as much as he liked me and I kinda wanted to break up a little. But I continued to stay with him and after a few weeks, I was VERY happy with him. Years later, I am very in love with him and glad I did not break up so early on.

 

You may just need some more time, but I would also be honest with him so you are not stringing him along.

[LonelyMoondancer]

And the fact that you are so influenced by your friend further demonstrates that - you should be able to decide for yourself whether someone is right for you.

 

Thanks for the great post, just thought I'd add though that it wasn't my friend who influenced me really. I'd been feeling uncomfortable on my own, but knowing that my friend was able to see this without my saying anything made me realize it was kind of obvious.

 

Anyway thanks guys. I just thought I was ready, maybe I was at one point but lately a relationship is not what I need. I don't even know how to go about telling him though or what to say. Everything that comes to mind is cliche. Do I really just tell him I've got issues of my own to sort out? What if he wants to know what they are?

[DN]

Tell him that you are really sorry but you made a mistake and are not ready for a relationship after all. Be prepared for him to be angry and hurt - but no matter what you say that is probably going to happen.

[LonelyMoondancer]

I'm wondering the best way to bring it up though. He might not even see it coming. Should I just say I want to tell him something and proceed?

[squirl]

I'm coping with depression, trying desperately to do well at university, have really bad time management, find myself sleeping all day and staying up all night, and just don't have my heart in it.

 

You do sound depressed. Are you getting treatment for it? Have you told your boyfriend about it?