Ex Wants to Meet. Should I Accept ?

[neverlost]

Previous thread is here :

/forum/showthread.php?t=333869

 

So to keep it short, she contacted me late yesterday to ask me if I wanted to have dinner with her. She told me she was feeling lonely. I said I will think about it. What should I do ? She is still with her rebound as far as I know.

 

Is she starting to question her rebound relationship or is she just depressed and needing an emotional crutch ?

 

What do you think ? Should I do it or should I decline ?

[fr0z3n]

I suggest that you don't go... why?

 

1. She's still with her rebound thus no possible recon and you will just get hurt

 

2. She said she's feeling lonely, want to be her emotional crutch? I geuss you dont want to...

 

Let her rebound take care of her... She can't get the good from the both world, fun from her rebound and emotional support from you...

 

EDIT:

 

Hey just read your thread and I noticed that I already read it and posted on it... Definitely she's suffering from GIGS, and suffering it's negative effects too... time for you to disappear now, dont let yourself be her shoulder to cry on... Just ignore her... If you helped her and after she feel relieved, she'll just come back to her rebound and thanks to you, the rebound doesn't need to handle her dramas because you're the one who helped her (and him)...

[neverlost]

Yes I think it's fair advice, but doesn't anyone think I *could* be also an attempt at reconciliation, somehow not externalized. She's a very proud person and I know that contacting me was very difficult for her.

 

Anyone ?

[fr0z3n]

she's just comfortable with you thats why she contacted you, you've shared something in the past right?... A recon is not possible while she is still with her rebound... If you want to be sure, you might want to ask her first whats the reason why she is depressed/upset and tell her to be honest but whatever her reason will be, if she's still with the other guy and a recon is not yet possible, then that only means that she needs someone to help her ease whatever that is bugging her (the cause of her depression)...

 

Think of it this way... She broke up with you and now she is with the other guy... now she is upset, why dont she tell that to her new guy?... if her new guy can't help her and choose to tell her to her friends, her friends might question her also about what happened between you and why is there a new guy, her family might question her that too so, to avoid all that who do you think is the next closest person to her w/c she knows that person might willing to help her? I guess it's you...

[DN]

While she is still with her boyfriend, you should not meet her.

[neverlost]

That's very wise advice! I think I will not answer her at all and see if she will recontact me or not. Thank you all very much, made my head a lot clearer!

[snoopydog]

I would decline in your position, because she is still with the rebound. However I wouldn't say "Sorry I don't want dinner together while you're still with your new guy", because I don't think that is very tactful. Make a graceful excuse or ignore contact.

[TSandullo]

In your situation, I too will suggest to refrain from meeting her for lunch.

 

Simply politely decline as others have also suggested.

 

I read your original thread and noticed it was posted only a day ago.

 

Though it may be obvious, you wish to reconcile with her still, no?

 

If so, keep yourself busy and politely out of her life. You have your own things to be doing now, not tending to her emotional wellbeing.

 

She lost that privilege when she ended it with you.

If she does get the benefits of you being there for her all the time, this will kill the attraction and she will (unknowingly) take you for granted.

 

So back away and let the rebound do what was once your job.

 

And keep in mind, if things do fail with him, this does not necessarily imply she will return to you, though there is still a chance she might.

 

Time, that is all you should give her, and yourself.

 

Trust me, I know how you feel.

I too am concerned for my ex's wellbeing but I have to step back for myself first.

I too was invited for lunch some time ago. I went. However, my situation differs in the fact that I didn't know if she was with this new guy (as I had isolated myself from all news) and her invitational text mentioned some memories of our past together.

 

The outcome is here:

 

 

So, neverlost. The best you can do is move on and work on yourself. She has to get herself out of this rut. Harsh, but true. And you can no longer be there, unless you can be there in all respects.

 

Hope you are well friend

 

TS

[neverlost]

In your situation, I too will suggest to refrain from meeting her for lunch.

 

Simply politely decline as others have also suggested.

 

That's actually what I'm planning to do. I've had mixed feelings about it from the beginning since I start to heal I wouldn't want that meeting her put me back into a position of fragility.

By the way she wanted to meet me for Dinner, not lunch, she even suggested she could invite me.

 

 

I read your original thread and noticed it was posted only a day ago.

 

Though it may be obvious, you wish to reconcile with her still, no?

 

Yes, of course, though I don't think she is a position now where she can love anyone due to the heavy depressing feelings she is experimenting. Somehow It's as if she was punishing herself for leaving me, but then again, maybe I'm just a bit optimistic

 

If so, keep yourself busy and politely out of her life. You have your own things to be doing now, not tending to her emotional wellbeing.

 

She lost that privilege when she ended it with you.

If she does get the benefits of you being there for her all the time, this will kill the attraction and she will (unknowingly) take you for granted.

 

So back away and let the rebound do what was once your job.

 

 

Yes, very true. I think that mindset is essential for me now. I find it so strange that she doesn't seem to talk about her problems with bf and starts to contact me more and more often. I expressed that I couldn't be her friend now, yet she is contacting me more and more often.

 

And keep in mind, if things do fail with him, this does not necessarily imply she will return to you, though there is still a chance she might.

 

Time, that is all you should give her, and yourself.

 

Trust me, I know how you feel.

I too am concerned for my ex's wellbeing but I have to step back for myself first.

I too was invited for lunch some time ago. I went. However, my situation differs in the fact that I didn't know if she was with this new guy (as I had isolated myself from all news) and her invitational text mentioned some memories of our past together.

 

The outcome is here:

 

 

So, neverlost. The best you can do is move on and work on yourself. She has to get herself out of this rut. Harsh, but true. And you can no longer be there, unless you can be there in all respects.

 

Hope you are well friend

 

TS

 

Well, I think that the basis of those type of situations, especially when the ex is so depressed, but I think it can apply as a general rule, is that you can't protect people from what they think they want, even if you see how badly it could end. So far, all the things about the post-breakup events that I forecasted have happened. But only time will tell if she will want to come back to me. I keep hoping because I was her first long relationship, I was her best friend and she seems to be obviously missing me. I think lots of GIGS cases are just a matter of not understanding the difference between love & attachment and sexual attraction.

 

Your story is indeed close to mine, so i'll take cues from it!

 

We're all stronger together!

[fr0z3n]

so... I hope you know what you should do about it now... Thanks for listening to us... I wish you all the best...

[fLuiD]

With someone else involved, I would stay away. I don't think you would go to dinner with one of your friends' girlfriend,right?! So don't do it with her. Out of common respect, even if you don't owe her rebound any. Its disrespectful to go out to dinner with a taken woman.

[jimmajam]

She's lonely? Aww that's too bad. /smartass lol.

 

Seriously though, she is with someone else, it's not your position to keep her company. If she misses your company maybe she shouldn't have left you. If she really misses you and your company maybe she should make an effort to get you back.

 

It's not fair to you or her new boyfriend.

[neverlost]

She's lonely? Aww that's too bad. /smartass lol.

 

Seriously though, she is with someone else, it's not your position to keep her company. If she misses your company maybe she shouldn't have left you. If she really misses you and your company maybe she should make an effort to get you back.

 

It's not fair to you or her new boyfriend.

 

Yes, but that's also the kind of thing that keep me awake at night, because there seems to be more to her feelings than meet the eye. It's like she has internalized feelings but doesn't want to listen to them.

 

And about she feeling lonely, it's a very good point. I think I will not recontact her to give her an answer but I would take your point as a basis for an answer if I should have to.

 

And, referring to both posts, the rebound didn't take such precautions with me, so that wouldn't really stop me. Other things would, however

 

Thanks a lot for your answer, makes me feel beter about the whole situation, and not seeing her this week-end is fine by me. It learned me 2 things : 1. She really do misses me, and 2. She is unhappy with the other guy.

 

I will let more time pass (I've been in strict NIC for the past 6 weeks), and keep improving myself.

 

Only time will tell!

[fr0z3n]

yeah just keep doing things for yourself to improve and also to keep you busy... whatever she feels, you are not in the position anymore to take care of her or comfort her, that happened after the day she left you...

[neverlost]

Well, A quick update. Actually after a bit of digging, it seems that she wanted to meet because she indeed felt alone because her new bf was out of time to visit his parents for easter, and probably didn't invite her. How's that for a pretty heavy ambivalence on her part towards both me and her new bf ?

[neverlost]

10 days after it happened, I would just like to bump this thread to possibly request women's opinions about it. Do women have dissenting voices about it, or is everybody unanimous that it was a good thing that I didn't see her for dinner ?

 

Any opinion welcome!

[HeartGoesOn]

Of course it's a "good thing" that you didn't see her for dinner. She's has a boyfriend, which means it's a "no brainer" as far as that goes.

 

You have the option to respect yourself, by not being in contact with her since she's not available at this time. I would give this some serious thought.

[squirl]

Yes, it's a good thing you didn't meet her for dinner.

 

And I don't think it would have been tactless at all to tell her the reason is she has a boyfriend. It's the truth. Dumping a person is pretty tactless too.

 

If you are worried about her depression, you could suggest seeking medical treatment for it.