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Got an e-mail from him but does he mean no immediate chance of reconciliation but maybe later on?


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This was taken from my thread here in which I was incredibly indecisive of e-mailing him to apologize about things on my end that could have contributed to his feeling distressed in the relationship beyond his feeling unready to be in a long-term committed relationship at this time:


I ended up sending an e-mail to him anyway although ENA posters tried to help me see how it wasn't really a good idea (still appreciate their feedback! I told him I've taken a step back and have come to realize I need to grow and mature as well, so this breakup experience is helping me see that so I am not bitter towards him. I told him there was no need to respond but I received an email from him anyway. And if anyone would like me to post my e-mail to him, I could.


But can anyone assess if his response was a good or bad thing? While I'm not looking to reconcile with him immediately, do you think we're at a good place right now? I feel we individually are just because he wasn't curt in his email, and we're both on the same page in terms of going down our individual paths towards growth. But it's a very bittersweet feeling I guess and the fact that he's "happy" I'm embracing myself and life - I mean...I'm not exactly happy right now nor do I have it all figured out. Do you think I gave him too much of an impression that I was over it and am totally A-okay? In turn, did I put myself in the friend zone? Is that the vibe I should even be giving? I guess so, I mean looking pathetic and desperate would just be worse, right? Sigh whatever, I was surprised he responded back when I said there was no need to.


Here's the email from him:


Dear _____,


Thank you for your email. I'm happy to know that you didn't hold back what was on your mind. I'm still here for you with open ears.


I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I have been learning about myself as well through this experience, and I've realized that I have some growing and maturing to do also. I think it's a harsh reality that sometimes it takes such painful experiences for us to grow and change. You already are a very mature person in my eyes, but of course what really matters is how you see yourself. It would be hypocritical for me to say "Don't be too critical of yourself." Maybe we have to be critical of ourselves in order to change for the better.


Emotions ran high for both of us a few weeks ago. It's hard to think about anything clearly at times like that. I think I know some of the things you're talking about that may have hurt me. Believe me when I say that those times were few and far in between. Of course we both upset each other at points here and there. That's understandable and normal. But I believe those moments were a small fraction of the time we spent together. Again, what really matters is how you see yourself. Identifying tendencies that you think should be changed, and then working toward changing them takes a lot of maturity and will power. I know I have some tendencies that need to be changed for me to be a more balanced person. I hope we both have strength to work toward changing and improving ourselves. It's definitely not easy, but most worthwhile things aren't.


Thanks again for your message. It makes me happy to see that you are embracing yourself and life. I hope the first draft of your thesis is coming along nicely, and your job hunt is successful. I know that you'll do well, and I think you know it too. Good luck, hope to talk to you again soon.



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Looks to me like a friendzone response but much depends on what you told him. He could just be reflecting back what you said to him.


i agree with DN. it seems like you both have learned and grown from this experience, but i don't see indication that he wants to try again in the future. but you never know what the future will bring.

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Sounds to me too that it is just a friendly email. I think it is clear that he doesn't want to try again to be anything more than a friend with you because his statements here shows that he has given a lot of thought about the situation & his decision is final.

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I guess so but it's also because I made no indication of "i miss you" or no other affectionate things about our relationship, and I didn't ask about if we'd ever get back together because that is of course very uncertain/not going to happen right now at this point.


Should I have mentioned or asked if he still has feelings for me though? That's what I want to ask although a few weeks ago when we last talked on the phone, I asked if his feelings have changed for me, and he said they didn't.


Is it possible to hold strong feelings for someone without being with them?


At this point, should I put it to rest now? Sigh. I'm ready to work on myself, but I guess since we ended it on good terms with this e-mail and that he never said anything about feeling like I was not the person he'd end up with...I'm still holding onto that hope while trying to let go of that possibility.

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So you think I should bring it up? While I'd like to, I just don't want to appear "weak" when I'm ready to just work on myself (despite the fact that I'm still in love with him)


Ah I don't want to keep bringing things up because his e-mail was closure and it's been a month since the break-up, don't want to go against my word of keeping it cool/not bringing up stuff about our relationship again.

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I would just tell him that you did not mean to imply that you weren't interested in fixing the relationship.


The thing is there was nothing to "fix" about our relationship. I could instead email him and say that I don't mean to imply that I'm not interested in something that could happen later down the road because he DID tell me not to wait for him when he first broke up with me.


And at this point, I don't think it's best for me to ask if we could try to work things out when there isn't really anything to work out in the first place - it was more like he felt the need right now to pursue things on his own, figure himself out. So if he's not ready now, then I can't force him.


And I don't randomly want to e-mail him back saying "I still have feelings for you." I guess I know he knows that, but I am wondering if he feels the same.


Maybe I should let it be.

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abighearted, let this be... find comfort in that you did what you felt was needed of you. There is nothing you can do about it - for now - to really change the outcome.


Before anything can happen in your favor he will first NEED to come back to you, and before he does that he NEEDS his time to grow.


Set this small chapter aside for now to focus on what's important, and that's you. Individuate, grow, become more aware of yourself. Lest you want to be obsessing about the myriad of possibilities and outcomes based solely on the result of this exchange.


I wish you well. It isn't easy, but it's worth doing, as your ex too has mentioned.

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Thanks Kahdeksan - yeah I think I'm going to put it to rest now.


When he needs me, he'll contact me. Do you think there is any need to e-mail him to tell him I'm here for him, too though? I didn't make that very clear in the first e-mail I sent out to him. Just was simple but genuine. However, I didn't mention anything about being there for him when he needs me etc. Should I have at least put in a hint of interest/care? Ok no more mulling over this after but what do you think?



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While I may state that he's mature enough to come to that conclusion on his own; it is a given that you are there for him. You, on the other hand would probably feel an overwhelming urge to make that small detail known to him though, regardless of the nature of understanding between the two of you.


So, I'll ask you this, in light of viewing the current situation where you feel the need to let him know of every little detail. Then would the problem persist or stop with you, if you carry on with this mentality?


You must decide that. The more questions you ask or probe into the break up of this nature, the more you'll be obsessing about. Let go of that control, as I've said many times before... learn to let if go.


This is your time to become who you'll become. Don't think too much into it, for now. So lot's of ehugs and all then.

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The problem probably wouldn't stop haha. If I say one thing or email him, then I'll be waiting for his response, then when he responds, I would want to ask/tell him this etc...neverending cycle that I'd put myself through = torture. Plus, it would just become annoying to him. I feel like I'm at a good place right now in terms of knowing what I have to work on/things I'm looking forward to.


So you're right I gotta stop obsessing about this, and I have to really stop trying to think that maybe down the road we'll have a shot. That part kills me the most


Anyway, thanks for the ehugs and support!

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The problem is that I think that exchange of e-mails was not necessarily a reflection of their true feelings - especially abigheart. And Therefore they may not be telling each other the complete truth.


The e-mail I initially sent out was of my true feelings but not ALL of my feelings. I did not want to appear needy and desperate. I would have loved to say "I miss you a lot" or "I care about you and love you very much and whether I'm in the picture or not, I want you to be happy." The latter sentence I wanted to send, or some sort of affectionate note but I didn't. I also wanted to ask if he still has feelings for me or if he's looking to meet new people (grass is greener) but when he first broke up with me, he assured me it's not because he wants to meet other people. He just wants to be single for awhile but eh that would be a huuuge load on him so I decided against asking. I think I just have to trust him...


My only concern is that maybe I came off as handling it TOO well - is that the impression I'm NOT supposed to give?


I was sincere but pretty straight-forward. Which may be why he also sent me an e-mail that didn't contain any language about missing me, etc.

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